Thanks
...I can actually use it that way but wish either that my phone was HUGE or that I had a HUGE magnifying glass since the print when I pressed onto the link was nearly microscopic
Anyway, this would actually be the best place to say what I did on someone else's thread.
I've wanted this for SO long, kept contemplating it but of course then always kept finding another "excuse" not to follow through with anything or do anything about it. It began for pleasure, to "numb" myself because I was in a severely abusive relationship.
Then I was diagnosed with multiple health issues which gave me THE PERFECT excuse to take the pain meds. More and more and more of them. I had my sisters plus my own...AND to beat all, a justified REASON to "use" (I'm of course being sarcastic towards myself).
Here and there, I'd go on websites. Try to find the nearest suboxone doctor yet the closest that I myself found was quite a distance away from me. Stupid, I know because if it was for the oxycodone? I'd have driven. Without a doubt.
Anyway, the other night when you sent me that link I clicked onto it right away and found that the nearest doctor is actually located in the same town as my doctor. The ironic thing? I had an appointment with him the next day (yesterday).
I adore him. He's by far the best doctor I've ever had (he takes his time and makes a patient feel as they should....very comfortable) but I haven't been seeing him all that long yet so I kept thinking, "Wow, if I bring it up is he ever going to think I'm a little liar and the patient/doctor relationship is going to go flying right out the window.
I was so wrong. I sat there thinking and thinking...even shaking. He then wrote out my scripts and I started crying. I then confessed. Did he toss me out of the room? Call me a piece of **** "junky"? No. He gave me a hug and told me we'd work together on "fixing" all of me (since I also got yet another diagnosis of some not so great news) but for once? I feel like I'll be ok
I then took another step. One I've always feared. I went to my "big sisters" house (she IS my older sister yet I'm stressing big because when it comes to me even? she shows her tough, "not like me" at all, demeanor which can at times be pretty vicious and intimidating whereas I've always been the loving, caring, "happy on life", free spirit of the family).
One with tons of friends. Many in which I've recently just "drawn" away from because I was too worried about how many pills I had left, would I end up being sick...etc etc. Anyway, I handed back to her pills that she had given me the day before when she had an appt. and told her I was going to try to stop using them. Did she ask how/when/where/why? No. I've sat all day reflecting on so much. Does she love me? She loved the Xanax that I jeopardized my life for by trading them to her and constantly running myself out of them. I sure wasn't feeling the love last night (just stoney, awkward silence) but ya know what? If she wants a sister? That I can be. A loving and caring one. If she wants a "drug trading pal"? That I can't be. Nows the time for me for the 1st time ever to only think of me.
Oh geez, sorry. I actually just skipped a step and jumped forward too quickly yet I guess my sister is more on my mind then I had thought...when I lost both of my parents she was then all I "had left".
Back to my appointment. My doctor is actually even affiliated with the other doctor and to top all? His office is just right up the road from my doctor and my 1st appointment is on Monday
.
I thought I'd be scared but I'm actually excited
!! I did write a few other things on the other thread but this (one of my "books" as my friends call them since I can never give short replies
) is the super great news of it all. I feel so "free" today. I can't even explain it
.
I must add though (as I did on the other thread) that I for one thank YOU SO MUCH
. I always seem to "run into" all the inspiration and hope that you give to so many on here and all for free. Yet aren't some of the best "pay checks" in life just knowing that you're appreciated and are making a difference in someone else's life? I say that because I used to volunteer my time quite often before I began using. I also thank all who've given me hope on here and not made me feel "HOPE-less".
I know it ALL now is on me and ME fully yet as I said I can't thank you or this site enough. There are just so very, very many amazing people on here!!! Whether they are using, not using, trying to be safe about using, use for pleasure, for pain, plan to continue to use or are trying to stop....etc etc. It doesn't matter to me. I think the same of all since and can't really say that I've ever met a group of such wonderful, supportive, loving and caring people within my entire life
.
The best part? I'm definitely going to try and I'm going to try REAL damn hard yet if I slip up and fail? I know I'm at the right place. I wouldn't fear admitting it whatsoever on here because I'm positive I wouldn't be judged like I would be on the "outside world". When I think of "failing" though. Will I ever? No. We can only fully fail at something we want to do so very badly IF we give up trying and that's one thing that (even if I happen to "slip up" multiple times) I DON'T plan to do. I've had "the way" probably for MUCH longer then I am willing to admit but now I finally also have "the will"
. I don't expect perfection. As I said, if I fall then I fall....so be it. Getting back up is the only thing that matters.
Well, I've definitely written more then enough already
. I'll just end by saying that I wish you all the very best! Much love
......"Bern"
