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My 22 Month Recovery Story!

Northern LIGHTS said:
same goes for me as well. the comedowns also made me find some personal goals to pursue and such and i know that going back to the drugs will only stop those goals from happening. with a much clearer mind than when i started pursuing those goals, i find that things are coming to me a lot easier. also, after going to several shows and clubs sober, i find it better to watch the whole entire show instead of taking 30 minute breaks to go outside, cool down and freak out for a minute or two. sure deep down i wish i could get in my time machine and relive one or two of those experiences, but i know there is no way i will be able to achieve them moving forward. time to move on to bigger and better things (not drug related of course).
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Exactly how I feel after finally having some clarity of mind during my recovery. Nothing to do now but move forward and improve myself & better shape who I am & who I want to be.
 
Sorry I haven't been on here for a while to follow up.

Thanks to everyone for all the positive comments.

I am very happy to hear this story is helping some people see the light at the end of the tunnel because trust me if you are experiencing anything like what I went through then it is literally like living in a Horror Movie.

As you can see what I went through in terms of "going south" is pretty up there but things in the end do come right. At the time I couldn't see it but just fortunately those belts gave way under my weight and I never died but it was F***ING close. Thank god for people who sell and manufacture cheap crap LOL.

Right now I am loving my life and all the flow of energy and joy is pretty much come back.

For those who have asked me how I am in more detail heres the run down:

Studio Project really kicked into gear BIG TIME. Started a new business on ebay and I have made enough money to invest another £1500 in the studio so upgrades have included complete acoustic treatment on walls, roof and back wall, new cream leather chairs x2, Waldorf Micro Q Synth, Yamaha PLG-150AN (Yamaha AN1X Synth on soundcard for the Yamaha SW1000XG), Creamware Pulsar II Soundcard in Main PC (the best soundcard I have ever owned period), MOTU 828 MKII soundcard for MAC, Novation Supernova Synth, New Active Powered Sub, Alesis M1 Powered Monitors, Terratec 512i running Frequency Monster 802, AArdvark Aardsync Master Word Clock, Motu 2408 Mk III with RME Hammerfall 9652 ADAT Card, x2 8 Channel AES/EBU I/O cards for Yamaha 03D Desks. All thanks to ebay I could have never got all this lot new for my listed budget otherwise.

I have a few more minor upgrades to complete but the studio now is something I am SO SO proud of and looking forward to releasing some more tracks soon. The amount of equipment I have here now is second to none and I have no excuses to not produce some kick ass material.

Socially I am still a little shyer than my old self but this is building slowly.

I have got my car back on the road now and am happily driving around each day and certainly have enough confidence to speak with people and can cope with general day to day interactions. I still struggle a bit with hostility at the moment but I am sure this will come right over time.

Fitness wise I am doing about 1.5 hours in the gym per day minimum so my fitness now is better than ever.

Suppliment wise I am still taking Omega 3, Vit C, D, E and occasionally 5HTP. I have noticed if I take all the supps at night it seems to improve my sleep. why I have no idea it doesnt seem to make sense but seems to be that way.

Negatives:

Memory still very sketchey. I am having to carry a notepad with me always without this I forget a lot of stuff. I dont know if this will ever come back 100% I am sure it will get better but how better I am unsure. I can live with it. I can think of many people with much worse things than me they have to live with. I value what I have now a LOT more.

Sleep. Still not 100% I sleep about 7 hours now but its still not what I would describe as quality deep sleep. I suspect i still have some underlying anxiety but I suspect this will fade over time. Again I can live with it. If I never sleep right again I can cope with it. Important thing is I am happy.

Holiday coming soon next few days :) I have now been officially signed out of the Mental Health System so thats a great thing for me. Each day I am alive is a joy.

I made a lot of friends whilst I was on Bluelight who spent a lot of time reassuring me and certainly offered advice and support at vital times. I learnt a MASSIVE amount about drugs during my time here. When I am out with friends now everyone always homes in on what I have to say re any drugs. It was literally like being online everyday for about 2 years discussing drugs day in day out so i definitely picked up a mountain of knowledge.

So finally I want to say this to all my friends on here you know who you are.. If you are ever visiting UK or come from UK and are passing by where I live feel free to PM me and meet up. I really mean this. You are welcome to come to my studio and write a track with me, come out for a beer or what ever you want. I wont be totally geography specific due to the nature of this forum but I live in Gloucestershire in UK. In terms of US equiviliant this is kind of like a mini state. I am about 2 hours west of Heathrow Airport London airport code LHR. If you ever need a place to stay for a few nights, need picking up from the airport or what ever I can do I am here for you. If you are in UK I am about 2 hours from London, 40 minutes from Bristol, 1 hour from Gloucester, 1 hour from Birmingham, 1 hour from Cheltenham, 1 hour from Swindon, 2 hours from wales pretty much central UK. I would love to meet one of my BL friends for real I am alive and well again now so all good :)

Thats the update for now. I have had a few people text me for my skype id in need of serious help. I am here for you, have been where you are and have a fair bit of knowledge I can share. Please PM me if you want to talk on skype.

Take care Bluelighters!! A whole load of love... Futura2012..
 
That is a great story, thanks for sharing and congratulations in your recovery.
It brings to my mind at least one question; It seems that most people (and perhaps most of the drug-using public) consider MDMA as a 'relatively safe' drug.Would your experience support this?
It seems that every day, there is another post about someone who is having post MDMA recovery periods, would it be fair to assume that many of these are just written by lightweights, or should we really start to give more thought to Ecstasy as being akin to playing Russian roulette with our mental health? Or, are these reports due to the lack of available MDMA and having it replaced by adulterants?
 
^^ Very interesting and highly debatable question..

Is MDMA "relatively safe" from my own personal experience I would have to say no but you have to take this in context.

Would I have gone through what I did without a coctail of BZP mixed with MDMA probably not.

Would I have gone through what I did if I hadnt been dabbling with MDMA definitely not.

Due to the nature of Clandestine manufactured MDMA and gangsters / drug dealers then the supply is generally what I would consider as potentially risky.

No I dont think the Long term comedown issues are written by lightweights it is very often coctails of drugs that cause these issues but it can also be just MDMA.

I think if you consume any drug knocked up in a lab that has zero control or regulation manufacturing CNS active compounds then yes you are definitely playing a form of Russian Roulette.

However, by following HR rules many of these risks are greatly reduced. Test kits, reducing dose, not redosing, not taking consequative days, postloading, suppliments etc all contribute to a lesser risk experience.

Yes I do believe the increase of MDMA related long term issues is a direct result of the nasty RCs being manufactured in China. It is way too an opportunity to lose to not press pills with LEGAL! RCs vs MDMA or at least a coctail of MDMA + other rubbish. Its all just too easy to buy these days with the rise of internet drug sales and loss of control by the government with RC compounds etc.
 
Dude amazing. I just got one question. How is your response to music? My biggest fear of my recovery is never having that goosebumps feeling across your whole body from an awesome song. I'm afraid to not get my full excitement to things back. My DP is getting so much better though. Day. And night from a few months ago.
 
Do you ever plan on trying mdma again or does the drug frighten you?
 
N2n - I tried tested MDMA again after recovering from 8 months of DP/DR and it brough it back for 3 weeks. I definitely would not touch anything in the same class as MDMA after going through a long term comedown.
 
what freaks me out right now is my reading comprehension. I feel like a 3rd grader when I read sometimes. Does this have to relate to the brain fog you think?
 
hey futura and daglaw,

im on year 3 in recovery. although im not back to 100% , ive made significant improvements in the past couple years. im actually almost back to normal i would say. i think my usage justifies why it took this long to get where im at. there was a point in time when i thought all hope was lost and many times when i wanted to throw in the towel but i kept pushing.

the only things that are bugging me is the passion that i use to have for life is still pretty dull, my emotions are till foggy (compared to before it was non existent) and thinking; although alot better i still not as clear as it use to be. my personality i feel is finally coming back, still dont feel completely like myself though. this is the main thing that bugs me. i dont feel as alive. im not completely living in the moment and its hard to interact with people when you dont know what youre feeliing half the time.

my question is did you guys feel this way also? if so did you guys recover in those areas?
 
yar0nin said:
hey futura and daglaw,

im on year 3 in recovery. although im not back to 100% , ive made significant improvements in the past couple years. im actually almost back to normal i would say. i think my usage justifies why it took this long to get where im at. there was a point in time when i thought all hope was lost and many times when i wanted to throw in the towel but i kept pushing.

the only things that are bugging me is the passion that i use to have for life is still pretty dull, my emotions are till foggy (compared to before it was non existent) and thinking; although alot better i still not as clear as it use to be. my personality i feel is finally coming back, still dont feel completely like myself though. this is the main thing that bugs me. i dont feel as alive. im not completely living in the moment and its hard to interact with people when you dont know what youre feeliing half the time.

my question is did you guys feel this way also? if so did you guys recover in those areas?
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I totally feel that way. What have you been doing to get any better?
 
hey pmz.
reading comprehension gets better. in the beginning i had to quit school because it was really hard for me to follow. i felt like i was actually retarded. i couldn't retain anything i read and reading was very difficult. communicating with people was impossible. i had vertigo, tunnel vision and fatigue everyday on top of the emotional numbness, depression and anxiety. its something that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.
all of those are gone except for the emotional aspect. my memory is actually sharper than ever. i can remember things that happened weeks/months ago. i work billing for a medical office and there's always problems with patients information. i outperform most of the workers here that have been working for years. in the beginning it was hard to perform simple tasks. i couldn't even form words when talking to people.

im still very angry at the fact that im not 100% yet. i know people who have abused the substance so much more than i have and they seem to be fine. maybe im just very conscious about my body but i think its quite impossible ignore when your whole life is turned upside down. sorry im writing this in parts because im at work.

its scary dude.. but threads like these give me hope. . i tried researching, taking piracetam (nootropic), took flouxotine (ssri) only made things worse, st johns wort, tyrosine, omega 3's, typrohan (precursor to serotonin), went to see a psych. all within the 1st and 2nd year. i didnt want this to be me. at the same time i worked out everyday. i think the supps helped to a point, mainly in assisting the body in making up for the nutrients that were used up.

but honestly the only thing that helped was time... support your body in recovery. eat healthy and work out. i picked up basket ball because it challenged alot of the aspects that i was struggling on, physically and mentally. it showed me what parts of my brain and body are improving with time. keep pushing bro. youll get there. made it this far.

for daglaw and futura.
how are you guys feeling? emotionally wise. do you feel like your old selves? do you guys still have the same passion for the things you did before? libido still good? =) i need to know that this is gonna get better. i believe that a big part of life is living fully in the moment. experiencing life itself. im glad you guys made it though this nightmare. in a way it really helps you appreciate the important things. appreciate the time you guys put in here. =)
 
I'm fine now. If I push myself physically or emotionally I feel a bit run down and get DResque temp symptoms.

Move on and soon you will realize that you feel fine and haven't thought of the word comedown in months.
 
hey futura and daglaw,

im on year 3 in recovery. although im not back to 100% , ive made significant improvements in the past couple years. im actually almost back to normal i would say. i think my usage justifies why it took this long to get where im at. there was a point in time when i thought all hope was lost and many times when i wanted to throw in the towel but i kept pushing.

the only things that are bugging me is the passion that i use to have for life is still pretty dull, my emotions are till foggy (compared to before it was non existent) and thinking; although alot better i still not as clear as it use to be. my personality i feel is finally coming back, still dont feel completely like myself though. this is the main thing that bugs me. i dont feel as alive. im not completely living in the moment and its hard to interact with people when you dont know what youre feeliing half the time.

my question is did you guys feel this way also? if so did you guys recover in those areas?
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hello yaronin

yes during my time i pretty much felt void of all emotions. plain and simple it was just AWFUL. Over time this will improve for you I am sure.

over the past month or so I have been starting a gym programme of two hours training per day and now noticed my memory is also improving. silly things like when I first joined the gym I could never remember where my locker was and had to look at the key tag to identify it.

Now I walk straight to the locker number I came from so I can definitely feel improvements happening even now.

I am noticing alcohol is still killing me. A nights drinking of say 3-4 pints I am totally brain dead the next day.

I have had a few energy drinks from time to time and this has been okay. Maybe effected sleep a bit but not much.

In terms of drugs to answer someone elses question yes totally scared off. I was at a party recently they were smoking weed I was out of the room quicker than you could blink. I dont want to take any risks never want to go through that again. Me and street drugs are history. I used to love the scene and a lot that went with the drug scene but I value what I have now too much to risk it.
 
Futura. Does that mean no more parties for u? Are u shying away from the scene ? How is your energy level? I can't shake this fatigue at all. I would love to hit the gym every day but I have this heavy feeling to my body constantly.
 
Very interesting and honest, I felt I was with you during your 'trip', in fact I could feel what it would be like. Well written!

Like the studio, mine is not so great but I have Pro Tools on a silly spec PC and a Traktor S2/Roland Kboard/KRK monitors.

So happy you are mended, and you didn't kill yourself. Peace and love bro :)
 
So what I would like to know is what exactly has happened that is causing all this. And how to address it. And why things take so long to recover. This dysphoria needs to end already
 
pmz said:
So what I would like to know is what exactly has happened that is causing all this. And how to address it. And why things take so long to recover. This dysphoria needs to end already
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Science hasn't yet provided a good answer to this question, although you can make some educated guesses based on the highly biased, methodologically flawed studies that are out there.

This is an excellent resource for getting to grips with the basics of MDMA neurotoxicity: http://dancesafe.org/drug-information/ecstasy-and-neurotoxicity

This just covers one dimension (the physiological side), which may not even apply to most people dealing with side effects. Moreover, there is little we can do to here - the brain will heal on its own.

The more important side of it (for most people, it seems) involves the negative thought loops and associated behaviours that become ingrained during the initial stages of the regular, short term comedown, which are eventually "learned" and replace normal patterns of behaviour. This is why forcing yourself to be positive and forcing yourself to "relearn" old behaviours (ie meeting up with people, when instinct tells you to hide away, for instance) is such an important part of the recovery process for a lot of people.

I think the physiological explanation applies mostly to those who have taken bad mixes, freak doses and/or have taken a lot of MDMA, with minimal breaks, over a long period of time. It may also apply to those who are not physiologically equipped to handle MDMA the way most people do, by lacking certain enzymes, for instance. In these cases, it appears one can only be patient and let time do its thing. People in this boat also have to be proactive in dealing with the accompanying anxiety and negative thought loops.

I personally find solace in the fact that some bluelight members, who have undoubtedly abused the drug quite hard, seemed to find that the colour rushed back into their lives almost overnight (cope and maybe even the OP futura) despite their protracted struggles (8/9 months and 18 months, respectively, if I remember correctly).

Things can take a while because the brain does not recover quickly when some neurotoxicity has occurred. I think people who bounce back after a couple of weeks of symptoms have simply drained the hell out of their serotonin stores without causing significant damage. Those who have done a bit of damage will have to wait a while to get back to baseline. Evidence seems to point to the fact that recovery does eventually happen for most people in this boat.

Similarly, those who have activated negative thought loops are facing a battle which will keep going until they start learning how to live in an anxiety-free manner. In these cases, common sense would dictate that recovery will happen EITHER when you get a little lucky (a few things start falling your way), which gives you the confidence needed to replace old modes of behaviour and thinking OR when you decide to make your own luck by being proactive, working on your issues, covering all your bases for recovery (diet, exercise, sunlight, supplementation, sleep, being stimulated cognitively etc).

Be patient. i'm confident that we'll see the end of this like the OP and countless other bluelighters.
 
Hi DPDMNK92. I Have a question for you. How long have you been battling with this comedown? what were your symptoms and what percentage you think you have recovered?
 
Macenroe said:
Hi DPDMNK92. I Have a question for you. How long have you been battling with this comedown? what were your symptoms and what percentage you think you have recovered?
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It's been 9-10 months now. I took up to 2 grams in a single night. My symptoms include cognitive decline, emotional bluntness (following a period of emotional instability and anxiety), social anxiety, sexual dysfunction, HPPD, tinnitus, bruxism... basically the works. I would say I have made decent progress on the emotional front - maybe around 70% if i had to put a figure on it. Cognitively, I think I have improved around 50%. My verbal recall and various other aspects of my memory are seriously affected and it just takes me much, much longer to react to things, which makes it hard, for instance, to keep up with people in a regular, full speed conversation. All my other symptoms have remained, but improved around half (give or take).

It seems a lot of people recover a lot faster than this, so don't be discouraged. I have a nagging feeling that a few periods of weed smoking and daily cig smoking have impeded my progress somewhat as well, although this is just a guess. Good luck
 
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