futura2012
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2012
- Messages
- 1,371
This is a long story so if you dont want to hear about a recovery story please dont get offended by this post. I am writing this in response to many PMs and emails I have received from people asking me details. I hope by writing this I will provide hope to anyone who has got themselves in a similiar mess to me and this will illustrate there is hope despite how you may now feel and despite what may happen during this very nasty experience.
I decided to go out clubbing in London on Saturday 3rd September 2011 and take some MDMA, followed by some locally sourced pills and then got so spaced out I decided to take some more pills I purchased in the club. My world was about to change...
I had been running my own event production and marquee business from the age of 21 to at the time 38 (I owned everything no bank loans or finance! I had approx £200,000 worth of equipment) I was making very good money. I travelled to the States every year and often went around the world to various psy trance parties. I woke up the next day with raging anxiety and hated everything about myself. My music, my studio, my business, my reality. WTF? I could no longer operate my business I was very sick. My parents had to step in. I could no longer pay my warehouse rent so everything had to go. I started to get more and more paranoid, I started getting derealization, HPPD. The sun looked ultra bright, people scared me, I cried everyday, I got agoraphobia I couldnt go outside, I got sensitive to noise, my hands were shaking, I couldnt sleep, I felt emotionless, my memory was non existant, I couldn’t concentrate, I didnt exercise, I never felt hungry, I could hardley taste anything. My world was now my bed and my laptop.
Major depression soon raised its ugly head. After about year one I became pretty much suicidal. I visited every suicide forum going. I became so knowledgable about how to end my life, I downloaded ebooks about the subject, I joined user groups about suicide. Next thing I found myself suddenly to stop eating and drinking. After about day 4 of this my mother broke down, she paniced and called the medical services. I decided to neck a load of benzos and passed out on the sofa. The next thing I woke up in my sitting room and was greeted by two mental health doctors, a certified social worker, a mental health nurse and my GP. I didnt really understand why they were here. They questioned me about why I wasnt eating and I basically told them it was none of their business. They said if I didnt start eating they would send me to hospital. I replied who are you to tell me what I can and cant do in my own house? I am not harming anyone leave me alone. The doctors then left the room and ajurned into my dining room for a private meeting. I was left with the social worker. She explained to me that there was a chance I could be sectioned? What does that mean I have no idea? All was about to be revealed..
The doctors returned to the sitting room and announced they had sectioned me on a section II under the UK mental health act. I had just lost my civil rights. They said if I did not cooperate they would call the police and I would be handcuffed and driven to my nearest city Mental Health Institute. Upon hearing this I pretended to pick up my shoes and cooperate and then bolted for the door. I live in a house that is down an alleyway so I was able to slam the alleyway door so hard it wasnt possible to open so I then escaped. At the time it was winter and I was in a light sweatshirt. Also I was running so as I hadnt eaten or drunk anything for 4 days fatigue very quickly started to set in. I ran outside of my town and found an untrodden public footpath. I went down this path, found a thick hedge row and sat there contemplating what to do next..
Time passed and started to get dark. I was starting to get very very cold. My vision was starting to get really blurey kind of going in and out of focus. After a time I passed out. The next thing I find myself awake in the early morning with 4 partridge birds all around me it was kind of surreal. At first I thought I was dead I then assumed it must have been they sensed I was weak and posed no threat. At this point I was so cold I pondered what to do it was a really nasty feeling no food or drink for 4 days and really low body temperature. I decided to venture home. I got back and my house was infested with police. My mother was there in tears and I was escorted to my room told to change in front of a police officer. I was cuffed and put in a police car. I am about to enter the mental health system..
I spend the next 7 weeks of my life in a government funded Mental Health Institute. I got to experience first hand what scitzophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, major depression, OCD, Anorexia etc is like. One minute I am in a rave giving a girl a back massage the next minute I find myself here. What is happening to me?? They put me on a regime of benzos three times a day and a very nasty antidepressant called venlafaxine / effexor. I decided I wanted out of this place so I started to cooperate and send messages I was recovering. This couldnt have been further from the truth. My mother could see I was still not well but the team of psychiatrists could not and after seven more weeks of this act I was discharged.
I got home and was still in a very poor way. I next decided that I was going to take a high does of benzodiazapines and mix it with half a bottle of whisky. This I did. I pass out. I wake up to an ambulance team with a load of heart monitoring gear attached to me. After about an hour of checking I was okay they left. For some reason now I couldnt sleep at all and the benzo / alcohol experience plus all the other trash I was given in hospital had completely stripped me of any sleep I was able to get. At this point over the next few weeks I became delerious. I literally couldnt remember what I did five minutes ago. I was now convinced that I was ruined forever. This combined with major anxiety / depression / HPPD etc life was no longer living. My next plan was to hang myself. One weekend my mother announced she was going to see friends. That night I drank a load of gin and tonic climbed to my upper room which is up a small set of stairs, put a belt around my neck and tied it off onto the upper banister. I assumed that hanging like this was quite a slow and painful experience but this couldnt have been further from the truth. I suspended myself for a while tip toeing with one minute wanting to take the leap the next minute not so I just did little light suspensions on my neck. The next minute I felt kind of light headed, my vision then closed in and then all went black...
I woke up in a heap on the floor. My back was all scratched up and my lower legs were really badly bruised, I then felt around my neck and the remains of a belt was still around it. What had happened was under my weight the belt had snapped. I had clearly fallen unconscious fallen into a hanging position, the belt had tightened and then fortunately snapped under the weight. I had learnt a lot from this and realised hanging wasnt quite as grusome a death as one might imagine. As a result of this experience I decided that I would try this again.
Several weeks later I did the same thing. This time with a thicker and stronger belt and also a slightly different tieing technique. LUCKILY!! once again I blacked out as before. I again awake in a heap on the floor. This time I am really struggling to breath and I am really bruised up. Once again the belt had snapped but clearly I had hung for a lot longer so I suspect this is the closest to death I had become.
My next solution was to try and source a leathal drug I searched the Silk Road high and low and contacted all the barb suppliers for this specific compound. I even made requests for it in the forums. I contacted my friends in Thailand where you can buy it legally and fortunately none of them would help. I tried looking in all the suicide forums and sourcing this stuff was proving difficult.
As time passed I still wasnt sleeping but I started to regain my interest in Blue Light. Although I was really sick I started to offer help and assistance to people who were clearly also sick but obviousley a bit younger and had not been feeling like this for so long so with the experience I had gained I was able to share knowledge and support. By spending so much time on the forum I started to build an understanding of what was happening and it started to become clear the majority of this feeling was anxiety fueled. Just maybe and just maybe was all this in my head? Was I really permanantly damaged? I read a very important post from a user I think called CatintheHat where by he had come back to bluelight and posted a recovery story. Also making it pretty clear that bluelight for him was now off limits as it gave him some nasty reminders of what he had been through.
My mind started to really dig deep and started to try and rationalise the position I was in. Over the next few weeks my mother had also noticed that I was starting to sleep better. The exact date is a bit hazy but in approximately the beginning of June 2013 one day I woke up and things felt a bit different. No longer was I confined to my room but I went downstairs and started to move around the house. This then upgraded to the garden where I started working on restoring my mountain bike. The following days I picked up interest on my music studio. Things started to climb. I then decided to start on a major upgrade of the music studio. I was starting to be able to rationalise my thoughts again and able to use my technical mind again. I was now on the up.
Currently I am exercising in the gym for 2 hours per day. I have completed a major upgrade of my music studio (see pic below), I have started ebaying all the left overs from my previous business, I have started moves towards a new importing business, I start some manual work next week to get my mind back into work and making some money, I have just fixed up and serviced my car and start driving next week.
I feel happy again, I enjoy talking to people, I feel I have something to achieve on this earth before I die, I am attracted to woman again, I enjoy food again, I enjoy electronics and music again. I feel I am reborn..
THE IMPORTANT MESSAGE..
As you can see from the story above during that time of mental sickness triggered by a combination of MDMA and BZP life was so awful suicide seemed like the only option. This was fueled by the fact none of the doctors I went to see really had any idea what was wrong. The best diagnostic I received from a doctor during this time was that the mind is like a V12 engine with mountains of power and capability. During the majority of life we only utilise a tiny percentage of this capability and as a result have enormous surplus brain power. This spare power can often lie dormant but sometimes certain stressors can trigger this and as a result we potentially have the capability to drive ourselves to destruction. In a sense we are a Mini Metro car with a Ferrari Engine Beneath. Its a strange explaination but when you think about it it makes sense.
What ever is the cause in many ways it doesnt matter. What I can say is it would seem now from two long term comedown experiences one lasting 6 months and this one 22 months is that things do get better. Eventually despite the pain and suffering one is going through there is eventually an end to the tunnel.
I was lucky, due to my actions of suicide attempts I never got stuck in the tunnel but it was definitely close.
If you are thinking about suicide or feel suicidal I can understand why but I really hope by reading this you will realise that you are only in a temporary state. You just have to ride the pain and for the sake of yourself, your family and your friends LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. Eventually your brain some how rewires itself.
A MESSAGE TO BLUELIGHT USERS
I want to thank this message board and forum for the help and support I have been given.
This includes people I have supported, people I have debated with, people I have argued with, people I have listened to, chemists I have learnt from, drug users I have shared info with.
Without this forum and lifeline I think my suicide attempts may have been more frequent. As a result I may now be dead.
I wont say any names as I run risk of forgetting someone but anyone who has communicated with me YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Thank you for all your love and support during this very very dark time.
I have had two friends die from this experience. One was a user on here Somedud and the other a close friend of mine Mike Green who commited suicide by hanging. At the time I never really understood why but now I do.
I have been away from Bluelight for a few weeks but realise this post might spark a few questions. I will be here now and anything anyone wants to know feel free to ask.
THIS IS A TRUE RECOVERY STORY... PLEASE HAVE FAITH RECOVERY IS VERY POSSIBLE.
This is my new music studio. When I snapped out of my illness I was faced with a pile of gear nothing more. The last few weeks I have been building rack cabinets, wiring, patching and thinking. The final work is the accoustic spikes and lining this will be completed hopefully by the end of next week.
My mind works again hooray!!
I decided to go out clubbing in London on Saturday 3rd September 2011 and take some MDMA, followed by some locally sourced pills and then got so spaced out I decided to take some more pills I purchased in the club. My world was about to change...
I had been running my own event production and marquee business from the age of 21 to at the time 38 (I owned everything no bank loans or finance! I had approx £200,000 worth of equipment) I was making very good money. I travelled to the States every year and often went around the world to various psy trance parties. I woke up the next day with raging anxiety and hated everything about myself. My music, my studio, my business, my reality. WTF? I could no longer operate my business I was very sick. My parents had to step in. I could no longer pay my warehouse rent so everything had to go. I started to get more and more paranoid, I started getting derealization, HPPD. The sun looked ultra bright, people scared me, I cried everyday, I got agoraphobia I couldnt go outside, I got sensitive to noise, my hands were shaking, I couldnt sleep, I felt emotionless, my memory was non existant, I couldn’t concentrate, I didnt exercise, I never felt hungry, I could hardley taste anything. My world was now my bed and my laptop.
Major depression soon raised its ugly head. After about year one I became pretty much suicidal. I visited every suicide forum going. I became so knowledgable about how to end my life, I downloaded ebooks about the subject, I joined user groups about suicide. Next thing I found myself suddenly to stop eating and drinking. After about day 4 of this my mother broke down, she paniced and called the medical services. I decided to neck a load of benzos and passed out on the sofa. The next thing I woke up in my sitting room and was greeted by two mental health doctors, a certified social worker, a mental health nurse and my GP. I didnt really understand why they were here. They questioned me about why I wasnt eating and I basically told them it was none of their business. They said if I didnt start eating they would send me to hospital. I replied who are you to tell me what I can and cant do in my own house? I am not harming anyone leave me alone. The doctors then left the room and ajurned into my dining room for a private meeting. I was left with the social worker. She explained to me that there was a chance I could be sectioned? What does that mean I have no idea? All was about to be revealed..
The doctors returned to the sitting room and announced they had sectioned me on a section II under the UK mental health act. I had just lost my civil rights. They said if I did not cooperate they would call the police and I would be handcuffed and driven to my nearest city Mental Health Institute. Upon hearing this I pretended to pick up my shoes and cooperate and then bolted for the door. I live in a house that is down an alleyway so I was able to slam the alleyway door so hard it wasnt possible to open so I then escaped. At the time it was winter and I was in a light sweatshirt. Also I was running so as I hadnt eaten or drunk anything for 4 days fatigue very quickly started to set in. I ran outside of my town and found an untrodden public footpath. I went down this path, found a thick hedge row and sat there contemplating what to do next..
Time passed and started to get dark. I was starting to get very very cold. My vision was starting to get really blurey kind of going in and out of focus. After a time I passed out. The next thing I find myself awake in the early morning with 4 partridge birds all around me it was kind of surreal. At first I thought I was dead I then assumed it must have been they sensed I was weak and posed no threat. At this point I was so cold I pondered what to do it was a really nasty feeling no food or drink for 4 days and really low body temperature. I decided to venture home. I got back and my house was infested with police. My mother was there in tears and I was escorted to my room told to change in front of a police officer. I was cuffed and put in a police car. I am about to enter the mental health system..
I spend the next 7 weeks of my life in a government funded Mental Health Institute. I got to experience first hand what scitzophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, major depression, OCD, Anorexia etc is like. One minute I am in a rave giving a girl a back massage the next minute I find myself here. What is happening to me?? They put me on a regime of benzos three times a day and a very nasty antidepressant called venlafaxine / effexor. I decided I wanted out of this place so I started to cooperate and send messages I was recovering. This couldnt have been further from the truth. My mother could see I was still not well but the team of psychiatrists could not and after seven more weeks of this act I was discharged.
I got home and was still in a very poor way. I next decided that I was going to take a high does of benzodiazapines and mix it with half a bottle of whisky. This I did. I pass out. I wake up to an ambulance team with a load of heart monitoring gear attached to me. After about an hour of checking I was okay they left. For some reason now I couldnt sleep at all and the benzo / alcohol experience plus all the other trash I was given in hospital had completely stripped me of any sleep I was able to get. At this point over the next few weeks I became delerious. I literally couldnt remember what I did five minutes ago. I was now convinced that I was ruined forever. This combined with major anxiety / depression / HPPD etc life was no longer living. My next plan was to hang myself. One weekend my mother announced she was going to see friends. That night I drank a load of gin and tonic climbed to my upper room which is up a small set of stairs, put a belt around my neck and tied it off onto the upper banister. I assumed that hanging like this was quite a slow and painful experience but this couldnt have been further from the truth. I suspended myself for a while tip toeing with one minute wanting to take the leap the next minute not so I just did little light suspensions on my neck. The next minute I felt kind of light headed, my vision then closed in and then all went black...
I woke up in a heap on the floor. My back was all scratched up and my lower legs were really badly bruised, I then felt around my neck and the remains of a belt was still around it. What had happened was under my weight the belt had snapped. I had clearly fallen unconscious fallen into a hanging position, the belt had tightened and then fortunately snapped under the weight. I had learnt a lot from this and realised hanging wasnt quite as grusome a death as one might imagine. As a result of this experience I decided that I would try this again.
Several weeks later I did the same thing. This time with a thicker and stronger belt and also a slightly different tieing technique. LUCKILY!! once again I blacked out as before. I again awake in a heap on the floor. This time I am really struggling to breath and I am really bruised up. Once again the belt had snapped but clearly I had hung for a lot longer so I suspect this is the closest to death I had become.
My next solution was to try and source a leathal drug I searched the Silk Road high and low and contacted all the barb suppliers for this specific compound. I even made requests for it in the forums. I contacted my friends in Thailand where you can buy it legally and fortunately none of them would help. I tried looking in all the suicide forums and sourcing this stuff was proving difficult.
As time passed I still wasnt sleeping but I started to regain my interest in Blue Light. Although I was really sick I started to offer help and assistance to people who were clearly also sick but obviousley a bit younger and had not been feeling like this for so long so with the experience I had gained I was able to share knowledge and support. By spending so much time on the forum I started to build an understanding of what was happening and it started to become clear the majority of this feeling was anxiety fueled. Just maybe and just maybe was all this in my head? Was I really permanantly damaged? I read a very important post from a user I think called CatintheHat where by he had come back to bluelight and posted a recovery story. Also making it pretty clear that bluelight for him was now off limits as it gave him some nasty reminders of what he had been through.
My mind started to really dig deep and started to try and rationalise the position I was in. Over the next few weeks my mother had also noticed that I was starting to sleep better. The exact date is a bit hazy but in approximately the beginning of June 2013 one day I woke up and things felt a bit different. No longer was I confined to my room but I went downstairs and started to move around the house. This then upgraded to the garden where I started working on restoring my mountain bike. The following days I picked up interest on my music studio. Things started to climb. I then decided to start on a major upgrade of the music studio. I was starting to be able to rationalise my thoughts again and able to use my technical mind again. I was now on the up.
Currently I am exercising in the gym for 2 hours per day. I have completed a major upgrade of my music studio (see pic below), I have started ebaying all the left overs from my previous business, I have started moves towards a new importing business, I start some manual work next week to get my mind back into work and making some money, I have just fixed up and serviced my car and start driving next week.
I feel happy again, I enjoy talking to people, I feel I have something to achieve on this earth before I die, I am attracted to woman again, I enjoy food again, I enjoy electronics and music again. I feel I am reborn..
THE IMPORTANT MESSAGE..
As you can see from the story above during that time of mental sickness triggered by a combination of MDMA and BZP life was so awful suicide seemed like the only option. This was fueled by the fact none of the doctors I went to see really had any idea what was wrong. The best diagnostic I received from a doctor during this time was that the mind is like a V12 engine with mountains of power and capability. During the majority of life we only utilise a tiny percentage of this capability and as a result have enormous surplus brain power. This spare power can often lie dormant but sometimes certain stressors can trigger this and as a result we potentially have the capability to drive ourselves to destruction. In a sense we are a Mini Metro car with a Ferrari Engine Beneath. Its a strange explaination but when you think about it it makes sense.
What ever is the cause in many ways it doesnt matter. What I can say is it would seem now from two long term comedown experiences one lasting 6 months and this one 22 months is that things do get better. Eventually despite the pain and suffering one is going through there is eventually an end to the tunnel.
I was lucky, due to my actions of suicide attempts I never got stuck in the tunnel but it was definitely close.
If you are thinking about suicide or feel suicidal I can understand why but I really hope by reading this you will realise that you are only in a temporary state. You just have to ride the pain and for the sake of yourself, your family and your friends LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. Eventually your brain some how rewires itself.
A MESSAGE TO BLUELIGHT USERS
I want to thank this message board and forum for the help and support I have been given.
This includes people I have supported, people I have debated with, people I have argued with, people I have listened to, chemists I have learnt from, drug users I have shared info with.
Without this forum and lifeline I think my suicide attempts may have been more frequent. As a result I may now be dead.
I wont say any names as I run risk of forgetting someone but anyone who has communicated with me YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Thank you for all your love and support during this very very dark time.
I have had two friends die from this experience. One was a user on here Somedud and the other a close friend of mine Mike Green who commited suicide by hanging. At the time I never really understood why but now I do.
I have been away from Bluelight for a few weeks but realise this post might spark a few questions. I will be here now and anything anyone wants to know feel free to ask.
THIS IS A TRUE RECOVERY STORY... PLEASE HAVE FAITH RECOVERY IS VERY POSSIBLE.
This is my new music studio. When I snapped out of my illness I was faced with a pile of gear nothing more. The last few weeks I have been building rack cabinets, wiring, patching and thinking. The final work is the accoustic spikes and lining this will be completed hopefully by the end of next week.
My mind works again hooray!!
