Canis aureus
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2005
- Messages
- 930
Hey guys. I'm on MMT, and I think I'm in my 4th year or so. I was on 100mg for several years, then went down to 95mg, then recently went down to 90mg, then to 85mg. As of right now, I decided to taper nice and SLOW....going down only 5mg every month, since I'm not really in a hurry (I can always taper faster or slower as needed). I'm a full time father raising a 5 year old by myself, AND working full time, so I really can't taper as fast as I'd like.
Anyway, my question is this: For those of you on MMT, especially those of you who have been in MMT for a long time (1+ years), do you notice that you aren't able to feel, emotionally, as you did before using methadone or perhaps opiates in general?
My biggest problem with methadone right now is that I feel like my emotions have become clogged, or deadened. In fact, the only 2 times I ever really feel emotions are when I'm in the beginning stages of WD (if I havent taken my dose in 36+ hours), or in my dreams. The dream thing is REALLY weird, because in my dreams I experience and feel ALL KINDS of emotions, and therefore I honestly feel far more alive when I'm dreaming then when I'm awake.
I'm hoping that as I continue to taper, I will slowly but surely regain my emotions. The worst part is I feel like I've been a zombie these past few years on MMT, and whats even worse than that, is most of the time I don't even REALIZE it.
When I used oxy or H, at least I had a buzz, but with methadone, I just feel flat, zombie-like, emotionless, almost like I'm watching each day pass over and over without even being involved.
Anyway, this is a hard concept for me to articulate, so I hope at least one person can relate a little bit, and give me their perspective.
Thanks guys
WEll, I cannot (wholly) relate to that. BUt I still say few things.
Taper if you feel so, but I think you could also do something to that emotionlessness thing. Start doing something active. Go out and walk, hike, bicycle or whatever. Get up and go out, don't sit indoors all the time... I believe you can find some (active) emotions from out there
In my honest opinion, that would be a miracle, if you could not feel emotions when you are active. Smell the air around you and watch things, while you move. Well, don't mind if I'll ask... cause I will, haha. But could you really say you don't feel emotions or anything if you listen music for example?
The problem of our times is that we always seem to seek something working on us. Be it drugs, big emotions or something which does something to us, while we stay in inactive role. And we tend to seek problems in us or from that something, if that something doesn't move ourselves just the way we wish. We seek emotions, buzz, or something larger than a life. That not the way it works...Instead, start living your life as an active agent, don't be a spectator. Some people need medicine, some don't; but that's not a big deal. Don't make a problem out of it. Namely, you could always find problem if you want.
There are innumerable things you could regret and see as a problem all the time. When you are off of drugs, you could think they ruined you; you could think you lost you life or so and so many days. Instead of that, think your life as a learning process, as a lesson or an continuous experience, process of learning to cope. You could learn from this and that, and of each and every barrier you go over. And, of course, it doesn't have to be a barrier which could teach you. Positive things are better teachers
I'm not overly positive person myself, must admit. But my life is no worse than anyone else's. I probably need methadone all my life, but what the HELL: I don't care! I do what it requires and then I keep walking on... .
BTW. Of course opiates make you less vulnerable to any sort of outer itch (be it pain or, overflowing emotions). I think it's sort of cool to not be a teenager anymore. I mean, I don't necessarily need to feel those emotion of youth anymore.
Cheers!
Ps. whatever you choose to do, I hope you'll success