There is plenty of research on MDMA
.....
And realize that the 'magic' is not the drug. The 'magic' is in you.
I removed most of that post cuz it was huge, but that guy deserves a medal for all he wrote, with great accuracy and truth.
Here's my story of losing the "magic" and (I suppose) regaining it.
When I first started rolling, there was one brand of really strong pills around at the time. The first time I took one, I didn't know what hit me. I had only rolled twice before it. First time was pills that were at definitely at least legit, but not so strong, definitely had a lot of caffeine or maybe amphetamines, cuz I recall just having a lot of energy and running around, but not feeling so euphoric or anything. The second time were bunk pills or just completely caffeine or something cuz I was up throughout the morning after taking 3 and felt no other effects. After the first good roll I foolishly went on a spree of rolling almost every weekend (once a weekend) off the same rolls for about 2 or 3 months. Those pills disappeared and after that I couldn't seem to find anything legit. Eventually after a couple months had passed, some legitimate pills came around and several different types would for the next few months. I knew for a fact they were real and high dose pills because I had seen them tested in person by my friend with his tester kit, there were dozens of positive reports for them on pillreports, and everyone in my area who had tried these different pills had good things to say. Not for me though. Taking one had no effect, taking a second still no effect. At that point I knew when to give up and not try taking more. This happened every time I tried rolling for quite some span of time, no matter what type of roll I took. I assumed that I had "lost the magic" because I knew these were real and every time I would try rolling, I would get the hallucinogenic effects which I recognized as such, but none of the fun-happy-bubbly-euphoric feeling.
Then one day after having two and a half bogus pills at a club (these I'm pretty sure were actually bogus pills) someone whom I had been hearing had really good molly showed up and I got one from him to try out. Sure enough that molly, and likely the trace amounts of MDxx and/or whatever other strange piperazine or shit chemicals were in the bogus pills, all hit me right in the face and I was probably more fucked up than I've ever been. By fucked up, I mean out of my mind (I've definitely had harder and more clean rolls since). Later on the I was told this guy's molly was methylone. After researching all about MDMA analogues, I spectated that maybe different analogues can still be effective after you may have lost the magic for the real thing. I'm really not entirely sure obviously. From then on, every time I ever tried methylone it would work for me, except one time (I think it may have been what I ate that day, idr). There haven't been a lot of rolls around my area since. Tons of molly, and I'm pretty sure all of them are analogues. I've tried a couple different ones to varying success. But the success/non-success is consistent with each product I've tried.
I still don't know exactly what's up to this day. I haven't tried a roll in a while, and I try to keep from doing X more than once a month altogether.
I had to write up this post because First Bad Comedown said some really interesting things I can relate to. Especially this paragraph:
Try living with anxiety, depression, increased pressure in parts of your brain, alterations to your vision, your appetite, and your bowel movements. There is also sexual dysfunction, such as complete absence of sensation, difficulty achieving erection, and complete absence of sensation during orgasm. You may also live with the constant obsession that these symptoms are going to permanent. In fact, I have found this to be very common among those in the initial stages of recovery. There is a period of absolute panic/obsession in which you truly come to believe that you will NEVER get better. It is terrifying.
What has definitely changed since I started rolling:
From when I started the foolish 2-3 month weekly rolling habit to when I started to slow down on that drug, I lost a lot of weight - about 50lbs! I went from 170 to 130. I hadn't weighed 130 since I was about 13 or 14 years old. I lost most of the muscle I had worked on building before I started rolling, and some fat too. In a way, it was slightly good, mostly because my face is slimmer now, and my jaw and chin look more defined, and I believe that looks more attractive. Other than that I completely regret that stupid few months and obviously I know there re much healthier ways to trim your facial fat if I had wanted to seek out doing that (wasn't my goal by any means, just a by-product).
I also have a lot of HPPD symptoms. This is probably also be related to LSD use as well, however I believe MDMA had the most effect because the hallucinations that I do get are much more like those you see while rolling and coming down than those you see on LSD. It's quite possibly that the use of LSD boosted the HPPD symptoms that MDMA had caused. For one thing (and I actually know a lot of people who have this same problem), I can't look at a popcorn ceiling without thinking I perceive a pattern in it. (If you've ever looked a popcorn ceiling on LSD or shrooms or when rolling hard enough, you know how the whole thing turns into a pattern) It's not like if I were tripping, it's more like I feel like wherever I focus on the ceiling, I'll notice I can see the same shape, or part of the pattern, wherever I am looking. If I shut one eye and stare, I feel like it becomes even more apparent.
I notice similar things on textured walls sometimes. When I am rolling I can see odd checkerboard patterns on walls. I feel like I can see those just slightly maybe (same situation with the ceiling) when I'm entirely sober.
Now, something really fucking weird that had freaked me out a few times was hallucinating when I was tired and in that short moment when you're almost about to fall asleep but then you wake up quickly. (NOTE: I know you can hallucinate from sleep deprivation, but I really do not believe that's what this is, as it was never when I was terribly deprived of sleep, just when I was tired at the end of a day) Now back to how I attribute these to MDxx and not LSD is also explained by how after rolling, and then laying in bed trying to fall asleep, if I would just kinda let me mind go blank and be staring in some direction, sometimes I'll either see some extremely random object (and I mean really random, almost don't really resemble anything. One time I saw a mug though...
) and then shortly after that object will fade away, or I'll see some sort of figures, sort of like shadowy entities moving (several times these hallucinations would have red outlines), or my mind will get caught up in what I'm looking at, like one time I was staring at a picture on the wall and the best way I can explain it is the picture became animated and started swirling around until I woke up and realized what the hell was going on. There are some other weird things, but I can't recall all of them and I'll spare you.
The completely sober half-asleep hallucinations would be very similar. One time I was staring out and it felt like I was dreaming, when I saw like some sort of zombie hand waving as if it were someone buried underground reaching up to the surface. Fucking creepiest thing. I mentally woke up (my eyes were open obviously), that image faded and I was mind-fucked. Another time I saw little bugs crawling around on a wall. They were sort of neon green, and faded quickly after I 'woke up' and noticed it happening. Seen other random things like words and random objects like the stuff I'd see after rolling.
This shit would creep me out a bit, but never scared me too too much, and I must admit they were a slight bit interesting in a way. I'd still prefer to live without it. Fortunately, I haven't had one of these hallucinations in a while now I think, so maybe that is something that can be recovered from...
First Bad Comedown mentioned anxiety, which I definitely notice up until today, but never had a serious problem with before. It's a weird anxiety, I don't freak out mentally or get panic attacks or start to worry about everything like a normal person with anxiety trouble would. I'll just tense up sometimes and feel this very tense feeling in my chest, my gut, etc. at the thought of some things. In fact, the idea of doing drugs always seems to trigger this reaction. It's very strange to me.
He also mentioned sexual dysfunction. I haven't had a super big problem with this thankfully, but for a while after those 2-3 months I had a little more trouble getting hard and staying hard when I'd be about to have sex with a girl. This has gotten better over time and really hasn't been a huge problem.
Lastly, he mentioned bowel movements. This is probably the worst result of drug use, and the biggest reason I really wish I could go back and undo it. For months now, my bowel movements have been completely out of wack. I've put off seeing a doctor for a while. I almost went to a gastroenterologist, but didn't go through with finalizing an appointment :/
What will happen is I'll often have to poop just minutes after eating a meal. Shortly after that, I'll be hungry again. I almost feel as if food goes right through me sometimes. Or I won't go use the john for a day, then the next day I'll have to go every hour or so, as if my colon's just trying to clear everything out.
It was always hard for me to gain weight. My weight would always fluctuate +/-5 or so pounds. and it still does now, though I weigh less than I did previously. I was able to get up to 140lbs as of now, and it'll fluctuate between 140-145, usually depending if my stomach's full.
I really hate this problem most of all. It's annoying, especially when I go out somewhere. I have to strategically plan using the bathroom before I leave and not eating too much while I'm out if I want to avoid using a public restroom. It's a lot worse when I go out to an all-day music festival or something where there's no re-entry and they only have disgusting porto-potties.
I haven't heard of anyone else having digestive/bowel problems like this. It'd probably make me feel a little better if there is someone who can relate, though I'd feel bad for them as I know just how they feel.
In any case, I feel like this post got way drawn out and kind of went off into a tangent. In any case, I can roll successfully whenever I try these days, so i suppose I got the "magic" back. But I'm not about to abuse it. Everyone should be extremely careful. MDMA is a very powerful drug that acts on the body in many complex ways that we still have yet to understand entirely. It also hasn't been around for recreational use long enough for us to know the really true long-term effects just yet. Our generation is the one that will be the guinea pigs for finding that out. I can't tell people not to roll because I know the feeling you get sometimes, the urge to do it because it's such an amazing thing. But just try to limit yourself, and make sure you're really willing to accept what may come of the use of this drug, lest you end up with the mental and physical problems that I and others have... Respect the drug and its consequences.
