• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!
  • MDMA Moderators:

MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

Status
Not open for further replies.
Maybe this the cause why there are so many stories like "Me and my 10 friends took same amount of MDMA, and only I have LTC":

"Humans with genetic predisposition for the slow metabolism of MDMA, the so-called "poor metabolizers" of debrisoquin are at higher risk. Five- 9% of the Caucasian population is considered to carry this phenotype."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20962361
 
Do you guys ever have moments of clarity as in you feel like you're normal again ? I've had this happen to me four times now for no reason, and they last about a week or so and then it all comes back. Anyone ?
 
Holy fuck, I can't believe this forum exists! I've been trying to find something like it for a while now. I just hit the one-year mark of my LTC -- it's a goddamn living nightmare. It's unbelievably validating hearing other people describing what I'm going through to a T and knowing that I'm not alone.


Can't write, can barely force myself to work out (used to go for really hard, heavy weightlifting sessions that could be 2+ hours or more), now it takes everything I have to drag myself to the gym every couple weeks to do cardio — and even that's far, far better than the first six months or so where I was essentially bedridden. Can't do much of anything. I try to force myself to read, but the anhedonia is insane -- I derive absolutely no pleasure from it, I can barely follow what I'm reading and I retain very little information. Can't play video games, can't really enjoy anything. Not capable of much except watching TV, and even that's just... a way to fill time. Memory used to be pretty far above average, now it's just shit. Verbal fluency and recall is way down -- which, as someone who's wanted to be a writer their whole life and has put massive amounts of work into becoming one, is gutting. Can't come up with jokes, whereas before I was pretty much 24/7 writing dialogue and scenes and weird shit in my head when I wasn't in front of a keyboard. To quote another poster -- it's like my brain was a hard disk that contained my memory, emotions, personality and motivation, and all of that just instantly got formatted and wiped out. It's fucking devastating.


I don't think I have DP/DR, which is a relief at least. No visual snow either. I'm definitely a lot less sharp -- can't make weird lightning-quick abstract connections like I used to. I'm not dumb, exactly, but I'm nowhere near as smart as I was before. My friends all say I seem normal to them, but that's just me putting on a mask of normalcy. I have had this weird, fucked-up pressure behind my forehead, almost a cool/hot sensation, for most of the last year -- this seems like another common symptom. It's not as bad as it was at the beginning, but it's still there. It feels like my entire frontal lobe was physically bleached with chemicals. I don't know how else to describe it.


It's like my brain is just... blank a lot of the time. It's nowhere near as bad as it was a year ago (when I basically woke up every day wanting to hang myself) but it’s still really bad.


On the plus side, though, I do seem to be getting better, albeit very, very slowly. Motivation is still almost nonexistent. Emotional range is about 15-20% max of what it used to be. I’m trying to force myself to read, though my comprehension is still nowhere near what it was. I’m exercising again, bit by bit. It still feels pretty hopeless though. I’m nowhere near as funny or creative as I used to be. This last year has basically just been a giant waste of time. It’s killing me.


Has anyone ever recovered 100%? I hate that I did this to myself. I pretty much think about suicide every single day.


 
^I know it seems like if you aren't more than 90% recovered at the one year mark then a really good recovery will never come about, but unfortunately for some people one year just isn't long enough. Hang in there, and always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor (psychiatrist especially) and trying some medications of their choosing.

Try to keep up the exercise.

CY
 
sick_guy said:
Maybe this the cause why there are so many stories like "Me and my 10 friends took same amount of MDMA, and only I have LTC":

"Humans with genetic predisposition for the slow metabolism of MDMA, the so-called "poor metabolizers" of debrisoquin are at higher risk. Five- 9% of the Caucasian population is considered to carry this phenotype."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20962361
Click to expand...

There is another gene in particular that seems to predispose one to the adverse effects of MDMA, but I'm sure that there are many we don't know about.
 
Yeah, I've been reading about that for the last year. It sucks. I took almost exactly 1.26g over six months, which is barely anything. My buddy I was doing it with did more than me in that time frame, he's completely fine... plenty of friends abused it far more than I did and had no problems whatsoever. If I had even the vaguest idea that this was a possibility from so little use I might have avoided it altogether. At least, I would have stopped after the first dose.
 
@Cotcha Yankinov, I'm interested in your story, did you share it somwhere here? Did you recover fully?
 
I don't think I've ever really shared my story, it would be quite a TL;DR novel with numerous physical health complications that muddy the waters as far as translation to other people's recovery situation. But suffice it to say that you can recover from the most severe of abuse if you give it time and encourage recovery with things like exercise, mindfulness and appropriate medication.

Major outlook/mindset changes seem to occasionally accompany recoveries and may be helping drive recovery in some people, and that doesn't necessarily fit into the "exercise/mindfulness/medication" box very neatly but mindfulness can be a big driver of mindset changes. Learning to apply mindfulness throughout the day, in particular.

Try the 10% Happier and Headspace apps.

CY
 
Scratcher said:
Do you guys ever have moments of clarity as in you feel like you're normal again ? I've had this happen to me four times now for no reason, and they last about a week or so and then it all comes back. Anyone ?
Click to expand...

This happens to me a lot of the time, I'll almost forget about everything for a moment and my thinking will return to normal just very briefly, then I'll realise and think wtf in my head and then everything comes back.
 
I can't meditate... I really want to, but I can't. I'm completly devastated. I think what I could do now if I didn't make that one stupid mistake. I'm crying all the day and thinking about suicide. I read about all these studies on impact of mdma on monkeys brain... That this is permanent. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to write post here after two years like - 'yeah, I'm 20% better than in first 6 months', like many people here. I can't imagine happy life with this. Sometimes shittiness of my situation hits me when I'm walking on the street, and I'm starting to cry.
 
Last edited:
sick_guy said:
I can't meditate... I really want to, but I can't. I'm completly devastated. I think what I could do now if I didn't make that one stupid mistake. I'm crying all the day and thinking about suicide. I read about all these studies on impact of mdma on monkeys brain... That this is permanent. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to write post here after two years like - 'yeah, I'm 20% better than in first 6 months', like many people here. I can't imagine happy life with this. Sometimes shittiness of my situation hits me when I'm walking on the street, and I'm starting to cry.
Click to expand...

I'm in the same boat. One year in and I feel maybe 20% better. Part of me, deep down, feels like I'll never completely get back what I lost. It's beyond devastating. While I agree that optimism and mindfulness go a long way, I've spent most of this year bedridden, brain-dead and unable to do much besides watch Netflix after previously having a full, active, healthy life full of hobbies and projects and things to look forward to. I used to be a pretty intelligent guy; now I'm mildly retarded and have no memory, attention span or emotional range. I go for walks, I work out when I can, I try to read books (though I can't follow them) but it's hard not to feel hopeless. Christ, I barely took any MDMA either, I had no idea this much damage could be done with so little of it. I had no idea a small subset of the population was significantly more sensitive to it than others. It's literally all I think about: going back in time to last October and knocking those pills out of my hand, or how and when I'm eventually going to kill myself. It's not healthy, no, but my mind is so blank and empty that there is nothing else at all to take up space in there. This is torture. Nobody should have to live like this. I can't imagine being like this for another year, let alone the rest of my life.
 
You seem capable of making a well structured post. Better than most people I know. Your intelligence and thought flow is still there!

You guys have to start assuming it's obsession, but not real physical condition.

Regrets are not doing any good! I had regrets of going things and they have very similar effect of LTC of MDMA.

Anxiety and stress manifests in bad memory and concentration.

Acceptance and stop caring is your best friends.

What you want from life? Happiness? Nothing is really stopping you!

Try helping others. Visit animal shelters, do volunteer work. Try to find a new hobby, if it sucks... We'll go for another one!

Just drop that stupid obsession that you were forever changed. If you don't feel complete then build on you. You have fresh start.

On the physical side...things that helped me personally was water fasting. It can make things worse for a while, but later there's big improvement, you can Google the nice benefits on fasting for the brain.

After some fasting, Google good goods for Alzheimer and dimentia and make a diet around that...

Last is the walks and enough sleep!

And shut up finally with self pity! If you cast an image of yourself as a victim, you'll believe it.

Good luck and hope you recover as I did.
 
Did anyone who have suffered from an ltc had these symtoms ( halos around light with some rainbow colors on the outside, tinnitus, starburst from car headlight, lights with ghosting effect, thousands of moving dots when you look up into the sky, terrible fatigued eyes, looking fatigued, black floaters and lots of normal floaters, visual snow) i'm currently on my 8th month of my ltc, i am following these mdma recovery threads on bluelight every single day since this started,

this is my first post here.

i am a 24 year old male from The Netherlands wo took around 5 250mg pills and a half gram of mdma crystals, 4 days after this stupid overdose i got all the above symtoms when i did smoke weed, i also had terrible head pressure and panic attacks where i really thought i was going to die and was brought to the hospital by an ambulance, luckily those 2 are gone now.

This ltc is way more longer than i hoped it will be and im feeling i am going to lose it and get insane. i am getting suicidal thoughts and i never had them my entire life. i just can't live like this anymore.

i would really appreciate if somebody can respond who did get rid of these symtoms ( mainly tinnitus and the fatigue ) even if it was after 10 years, it would be a reason for me to stay alive and be strong through this.

ps sorry for my bad english and short story but im a total mess
 
This is HPPD, again you have to be mentally strong and try to ignore it, this is the only way to improve. Try taking creatine, Omega 3, exercise and play action video games.

Listen to quiet music at night to distract yourself from the tinnitus and just accept it for now. Silence or tinnitus doesn't matter. I just got tinnitus myself reading and writing this...

Also STOP smoking weed, will make things worse, especially the HPPD!!!

Also consider yourself lucky after that heroic dose, most people have much worse LTC.

If you need someone to share and write about it. Contact me anytime.
 
I started meditating, 15 min after waking up and before sleep. Also bought some supplements, and continue to excercise. Lets see what will happen. Only alternative to recovery is suicide, and I don't like idea of killing myself, so I don't have much choice.
 
ZeroLuck said:
This is HPPD, again you have to be mentally strong and try to ignore it, this is the only way to improve. Try taking creatine, Omega 3, exercise and play action video games. Listen to quiet music at night to distract yourself from the tinnitus and just accept it for now. Silence or tinnitus doesn't matter. I just got tinnitus myself reading and writing this...Also STOP smoking weed, will make things worse, especially the HPPD!!! Also consider yourself lucky after that heroic dose, most people have much worse LTC.If you need someone to share and write about it. Contact me anytime.
Click to expand...
But how can i get HPPD from smoking weed, ive been a smoker for 4 years daily.Can hppd occur 4 days after taking mdma and/or having panic attacks?Also i have stopped smoking weed after trying it for a few times during this LTC to hope it will calm me down. the only thing it did was making my tinnitus louder and making my heart race. so i completely stopped with that.I also tried a few times XTC again and one time mushrooms during my LTC for a desperate attempt it will give me a mirically reset, it made everything worse for a few days but after that i got back to where i was, so it didn't worsen or improve my symtoms.I already take a omega 3&6&9 oil on daily base and schisandra extract, i stopped excersising after trying it for about a month, my hppd like symtoms did not improve, and i have some social anxiety because i look so tired, although mentally i was doing some better.The only drugs i take nowadays are nicotine and caffeine, but i watch my caffeine intake. i just need some bad habits to hold on,Im questioning if i have really HPPD can i recover from tinnitus since it's not caused by damaged haircells in the inner ear but it's probbaly in my brain ( i already think that my brain are making these noises because it's switching ears sometimes.can the fatigue and visual distortions also be eliminated completely?Sometimes i think i have permanent brain damage but i've read that since im young neuroplasticity will do it's jobi'm also constantly obsessing over this situation, whether i'm with friends, in the shopping mall, or in a club, i keep checking lights if they still have starburst, right now im checking this monitor if i still see these black floaters on this white surface ( and i surely see them ).same with the tinnitus sometimes i forget about it and i go listening for it which really sucks. ignoring these things im just not capable of doing that :(
 
Weed and MDMA/psychedelics, .etc are the trigger to so many cases of HPPD. That's why it's bad to mix more than one, because they're getting more unpredictable with less data and statistics of the outcomes.
I'm sure it's HPPD, the good news is HPPD is not associated with brain damage so far. The duration is unknown, as well varies between cases. From what I've read people with just visual snow calm downs or get reduced to normal amount, after 2-3 months. For your case you can expect longer period.

If you read a lot of cases about HPPD, PTSD, LTC MDMA USE, DPDR, they're all connected with the incapability of the brain to handle stress and anxiety in normal manner. And then getting in this vicious circle. Stressed because the symptoms, getting the symptoms because stressed, and repeated over and over again.

Read my posts again,

1. Take it is a challenge. Don't consider yourself a victim.
2. Acceptance and/or not care about it.
3. Make yourself a diet. - Here's a copy/paste from google. If you want to add more to the diet google foods suitable to fight dementia. The one I've copy/paste is for anxiety.

1. Oysters
Research has correlated an imbalance of zinc to copper with anxiety. This trace mineral ratio is responsible for proper neurotransmitter function and adaptation to stress. Increased copper and decreased zinc may lead to symptoms of anxiety.I run trace mineral labs for my patients to see if this is a factor in their case. If it is, oysters are packed with zinc! This superfood of the sea is a great way to balance the proper trace mineral ratio and your stress levels. It's also important to note that foods like grains and legumes contain phytic acid, an anti-nutrient that can bind to zinc and block its absorption.
2. Chamomile Tea Sip
 on this natural anti-anxiety medicine for its natural calming effect. This soothing, mild tea was shown to significantly decrease anxiety symptoms in just a few weeks!
3. Rooibos Tea
Rooibos, or African red bush tea, is a delicious way to bring a natural calm to your day. Researchers are looking into its effect on cortisol. It seems to work by having a balancing effect on the body's main stress hormone.
4. Full-Fat Kefir
In functional medicine, the gut is considered the "second brain" because it's home to 95% of your "feel good" hormone seratonin. With more than 100 million neurons, your gut's health is essential to manage anxiety.
Bacterial imbalances in your gut can alter brain chemistry, and kefir, an ancient fermented dairy drink, might just be the most powerful probiotic ever! It also has fat soluble vitamins A, D and K2, all important for brain health.
5. Turkey
You know that tired feeling people feel after Thanksgiving dinner? It's actually from the tryptophan in the turkey. Tryptophan is a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin, which helps you to feel calm. Tryptophan in the form of meat, has been shown to reduce anxiety disorders!
6. Turmeric
Curcuminoids, the antioxidants in turmeric, have a neuroprotective quality and help enhance your mood. It was shown in a randomized controlled trial to be an effective option for major depressive disorder, which is closely linked to anxiety disorders.
7. Organ Meats
If you eat meat, organ meats are some of the best sources of nutrients needed to beat anxiety, like zinc and vitamin D. They also contain copious amounts of choline, needed for the synthesis of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine. Liver is also abundant in B vitamins, which are needed for methylation, a metabolic process in the body that is responsible for proper synthesis of neurotransmitters that regulate mood. Homocysteine levels and MTHFR mutations are two tests that I run to ensure optimal neurotransmitter metabolism and methylation.
8. Avocados
This superfruit is great for brain health and anxiety. They contain potassium which helps naturally lower blood pressure. Avocados also contain beneficial B vitamins and monounsaturated fats that are needed for neurotransmitter and brain health.
9. Dark Chocolate
Science has vindicated chocolate lovers everywhere. A randomized, placebo-controlled trial published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology revealed that people who drank a dark chocolate drink, equal to about 1.5 ounces of dark chocolate per day, felt calmer than those who did not.
10. Asparagus
This sulfur-rich vegetable also contains the specifically beneficial B vitamin, folic acid. Low levels of folic acid are linked to neurotransmitter impairment, which can lead to anxiety. A 5.3-ounce serving provides 60% of the recommended daily allowance for folic acid! It also contains moderate amounts of potassium, which can lower blood pressure.
11. Adaptogenic Herbs
One common hormonal signaling pathway dysfunction I find in patients struggling with anxiety disorders is the brain-adrenal axis. The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis is part of your sympathetic "flight-or-fight " response and something, and can play a role in adrenal fatigue. Stress hormones, like cortisol, can cause seratonin receptors to become less sensitive to activation. Adaptogenic herbs like ashwagandha, rhodiola and holy basil are some of the tools I use to optimize brain-adrenal function in patients.
12. Leafy Greens
If you struggle with stress and anxiety increase the greens! Plant foods like Swiss chard and spinach are rich in magnesium, the natural "chill pill," which also helps regulate the brain-adrenal axis.
13. Fatty Meat
Inflammation is one factor when it comes to brain health and anxiety. Omega-3 fats have been shown to decrease anxiety. Omega-rich foods like Alaskan salmon and grass-fed beef can help decrease inflammation and help cortisol and adrenaline from spiking.
 
Last edited:
imscrewed said:
Did anyone who have suffered from an ltc had these symtoms ( halos around light with some rainbow colors on the outside, tinnitus, starburst from car headlight, lights with ghosting effect, thousands of moving dots when you look up into the sky, terrible fatigued eyes, looking fatigued, black floaters and lots of normal floaters, visual snow) i'm currently on my 8th month of my ltc, i am following these mdma recovery threads on bluelight every single day since this started,

this is my first post here.

i am a 24 year old male from The Netherlands wo took around 5 250mg pills and a half gram of mdma crystals, 4 days after this stupid overdose i got all the above symtoms when i did smoke weed, i also had terrible head pressure and panic attacks where i really thought i was going to die and was brought to the hospital by an ambulance, luckily those 2 are gone now.

This ltc is way more longer than i hoped it will be and im feeling i am going to lose it and get insane. i am getting suicidal thoughts and i never had them my entire life. i just can't live like this anymore.

i would really appreciate if somebody can respond who did get rid of these symtoms ( mainly tinnitus and the fatigue ) even if it was after 10 years, it would be a reason for me to stay alive and be strong through this.

ps sorry for my bad english and short story but im a total mess
Click to expand...

I got this from another user on reddit personal message, he had halos and balance issues and is doing fine now! Took a year and a half to go away for him from other messages.

"From what I've gathered its different for everyone based on the severity of the damage, so try not to be too discouraged if you don't feel like you're feeling better after a certain mark. I personally didn't like wakeup after one certain day and feel better, it was very gradual for me and just started noticing it a little less here and there. Try to do things to distract yourself. I stuck myself in my room in the dark cause I was so depressed the first few weeks, light was hurting my eyes and I was getting halos around all light sources and it was just the worst thing ever. I started feeling better when I forced myself outside, exercised and ate healthier.I would say like the first few months were the worst part, and then it was gradually getting better. I know that feeling man, I was really hopeless too and depressed, but I promise it will get better. At this point my best advice would be to accept the fact that you've harmed your body and it's time to treat it properly now."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top