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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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I think the preferred experiment would be something like Ganaxolone or another GABA drug, be it a benzo or a barbiturate. But as far as studying a group of people before/after MDMA administration, with MDMA progressing through trials/FDA approval it shouldn't be too long before we have proper data but to pick through it and find the 1 in 1000 person who got adverse effects from the MDMA therapy.. That could be difficult as far as the data set is concerned..
 
Cotcha Yankinov said:
I think the preferred experiment would be something like Ganaxolone or another GABA drug, be it a benzo or a barbiturate. But as far as studying a group of people before/after MDMA administration, with MDMA progressing through trials/FDA approval it shouldn't be too long before we have proper data but to pick through it and find the 1 in 1000 person who got adverse effects from the MDMA therapy.. That could be difficult as far as the data set is concerned..
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I agree Ganaxolone or another allopregnanolone analog would be better .

In terms of benzos though we already have a lot of people here who are helped by these in the LTC.

Idk if Benzos prevent LTC onset though. A lot of people me included recover from the acute comedown fine but get symptoms a couple weeks later. The neurosteroid/testosterone/DHT/cortisol stuff seems more connected to this (changes in gene experession elicited by neurosteroids or lack of could take longer since steroids need to activate hormone response elements). So ganaxolone may work.

There was a post-finasteride study recently which showed that it wasnt really the blood hormones that were as much of the issue as DHT and allopregnanolone in the CSF. *Most* of us don't seem to be as fucked as the PFSers so I consider that an extreme case if not one of the most extreme of drug/med induced depression so something could be happening at a lower level than them.
 
Having a set back. New job starts this week so anxiety levels are high but I keep getting triggered by things sending me into the spiral that I have irreversible brain damage/am fucked for life. This then leads to frantic googling looking for evidence to prove I am right which leads to hopelessness again. Like is the damage already done and am beyond recovery? Thought I was past this but it's just popped up again. So frustrating.
 
Hello, I'm new here. I'm on my second month. I'll share my story here soon probably. For the moment, I just want to ask - maybe it is a silly question - how likely is to recover fully? I think I'm not a severe case, comparing to others here, but not very mild too. @Cotcha Yankinov, did you recover fully? How many people you know, that recovered fully?

BTW. sorry for my English if I made some mistakes, it's not my first language
 
Regrets9995 said:
Having a set back. New job starts this week so anxiety levels are high but I keep getting triggered by things sending me into the spiral that I have irreversible brain damage/am fucked for life. This then leads to frantic googling looking for evidence to prove I am right which leads to hopelessness again. Like is the damage already done and am beyond recovery? Thought I was past this but it's just popped up again. So frustrating.
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I've been there man. But your job is more important than anything, if it is a real career. If your anxiety is that bad, get on the dark web and order some valium.. You probably don't have any permanent problems, hence you really might consider an additional drug to help with obsessive thoughts.
 
I will never be sure if my debilitating problems had to do with MDMA abuse. I abused molly back in 2010 and 2011, followed by lsd when I was in a bad place in life. Very depressed at the time in ways that I am not so much now. I am depressed in other ways presently. After that heavy molly use I started getting daily panic attacks that were so bad I could not function. I was a vegetable, so I got on benzos. I also had the onset of chronic pain following an injury, but it never went away and 7 years later I am detoxing off sniffing H all day every day, and I am still a benzo addict. It is hell, I feel like this stuff could have burnt me out considering how strong it is and that is where my symptoms are coming from. Plus, my chronic pain is better these days, that excruciating spinal agony, so long as I keep away from opiates. Could be depression related.

When I do MDMA these days, it is like my first time again although I am no longer capable of being that happy and energetic, so it's normally more relaxed unless I take a high dose. I took it four times last year; one time this year and didn't have any issues. I used it in high doses around 30 times in 2010, but didn't really notice anything at all until a little while after I stopped. Just another person trying to recover, obviously the molly didn't do my any good at all. When I first started using it I would never get a comedown but nowadays I am dead for at least a week and emotionally unstable for a month. One way or another, I burnt myself out and lost touch with reality. Many of you are probably questioning if it was the MDMA or not. That is a challenging question to answer right? I mean, it could just be stress that was concomitant with partying. I personally think the MDMA had very little to do with what I am going through, but who knows. I was really depressed about a lot of things at the time of the abuse, and that combined with draining neurotransmitters could have fucked me up enough to start freaking out and panicking, especially since I had chronic pain for a few years before the panic started. I'm just focussing on recovering now, as quickly as I can. Doesn't really matter to me why things turned out this way. Best of luck to those who don't feel comfortable in their own skin and please try and avoid benzos and opiates as they will cure you temporarily but in the long run, well we know what happens with those. It's a little more clear-cut than with Mdma, they need to do more research.
 
Be careful with benzos imo I only took every few days and still got dependency-withdrawal issues that are still going on...

Especially with Kpin as it has a long half life, so even every few days ends up accumulating eventually.
 
Quit googling things/reading horror stories - that is only going to make it worse.

If you lock yourself in a room and sit on the internet all day waiting to feel better, you will not recover. Dealing with a LTC is more of "moving on" from it, not "curing" it. My experience was almost entirely psychological, even though I felt very real physical symptoms. I really started to recover when I stopped letting the fear of the LTC dictate how I lived my life. Once I started focusing on other things like my job and my happiness, the LTC started to lose its grip on me.

Try to find CBT if you can. It was monumental in helping me.
 
Dawglaw said:
I really started to recover when I stopped letting the fear of the LTC dictate how I lived my life. Once I started focusing on other things like my job and my happiness, the LTC started to lose its grip on me.
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THIS. The same happened to me.
 
5 months 1 week, in some ways I've improved (perhaps mostly because of the LB Rhamnosus I started taking) but I'm still unabe to function whatsoever. I'm not suffering as intensely however and can enjoy things. Unfortunately not letting "ltc" dictate life is not an option in my case. The physical symptoms (sensory sensitivity,dizziness, nausea, involuntary eye movements, agitation) are debilitating on their own. Moodwise I'm doing much better.

What I've been wondering is if this is a cranial nerve issue (in my specific case) why the psychological/mood problems? For me mainly the agitation. It's a sort of free floating hyper stressed sensation. And then there is this confused/almost like persecuted feeling when socializing. It's a feeling, not a thought. But it makes it difficult to act normally around people because they can see that I'm uneasy. I also get weak and shaky easily in these situations. My hands might tremor and my voice is very meek.

Some of my symptoms are very unique and I wonder if they could help pinpoint what's going on. These are not my worst symptoms at all but I was thinking maybe they might help find the cause. The eyes are definitely the key here. One is the involuntary eye movements. It feels as if I can't focus my eyes on one spot so they have to re-align about once a second. It's a quick movement to the left and back.

I have an odd, but not really painful sensation behind the eyes - and it's way way more noticeable on the left side. A sort of pressure/pulling sensation, left side might be slightly painful. My eyes get strained during the day and I have to periodically close them for a while to rest. This eases the symptoms instantly, even the nausea. And it causes my neck to start twitching rapidly. Quick spasming of the neck from side to side, a pause.. and again. I feel a tingling electric feeling in my spine building up and then I twitch and release. Then it starts building again. Sometimes my shoulders and arms might spasm as well like a shudder. My eyes also start doing a rapid REM-like motion. I also feel a pressure to do this movement eyes open, but it has diminished much from the beginning. In the beginning my eyes were darting all over. I have some odd sensation in the neck too, but it's not nearly as noticeable as the eyes.

In the first months I laid down twitching like that for hours. I remember 5+ hours one time. Not sleeping, just sort of semi-conscious napping. It feels good although is very f'd up. Afterwards I always feel better. Now I do it for maybe 2-20mins depending on how bad I'm feeling. My neck might twitch on it's own sometimes too, but if I close my eyes it starts for sure.
Also, if I get nervous/excited/in anyway in an elevated state my neck almost locks up and is difficult to move. It moves in a very jerky/twitchy way. Even when relaxed if I move my head from side to side it's not a smooth motion but a little choppy. Barely visible when I'm completely relaxed. Like not _________ but _ _ _ _ _ _ .

Someone also recently posted a pic with red veins in their eyes. My eyes are like this as well. I could post a pic, they really look quite awful.
 
Just had surgery to take out scalene muscles on the left side this morning. Fabulous headache and eye ache on the left side for now ;p

@Howlow, I used to get the same neck spasm thing when I got upset. The muscles spasming are the suboccipitals and the scalenes can cause issues with the cranial nerves in that area because they attach up into there (and are kicked in with stress)
 
May be for some people the LTC is psychological. But imo theres a very large physical component to all of it, else things various hormonal manipulation wouldnt lead to resolution of symptoms. Also, diurnal variation which a lot of people have *is* a marker of biological depression/anxiety too.

I simply do not buy into the whole CBT thing. didnt work for me. Its not like thinking 'everything is ok' makes you suddenly feel ok. Its not like suddenly at different times of the day or week im thinking differently and thus feeling differently. Hormones/NTs play a role.

That being said, I agree some people can still treat this psychologically since psychology influences biology too. Depends on attitude/personality a lot. And improving your mood itself with biology enables you to move on anyways more easily right? So a psychiatric/hormonal or combined approach after a long time of non resolution does have its plus sides...

Ive actually made major progress in a long time with TRT/HCG/Pregnenolone. Enabled me to kick the benzos, though thats when I started getting benzo wd crap/realized I was dependent.
 
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I've been reading about this algorithm if anybody is interested: http://psychotropical.info/ken-s-psychotropical-ad-algorithm

Supposedly that doc has consulted with some people about it. Seems to know about anhedonia especially and how to treat that with the SSRI/nortriptyline combo. Supposedly, the NTP has 5-HT2A antagonist and NRI effects that can sometimes offset sexual sides is the theory ive been reading about, but not sure how true it is.
 
Dawglaw said:
Quit googling things/reading horror stories - that is only going to make it worse.

If you lock yourself in a room and sit on the internet all day waiting to feel better, you will not recover. Dealing with a LTC is more of "moving on" from it, not "curing" it. My experience was almost entirely psychological, even though I felt very real physical symptoms. I really started to recover when I stopped letting the fear of the LTC dictate how I lived my life. Once I started focusing on other things like my job and my happiness, the LTC started to lose its grip on me.

Try to find CBT if you can. It was monumental in helping me.
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Everyone on this thread, needs to read this post. Nothing else. I had 'LTC' for 2 years, and it began to not apply to me once I moved on. Everyone else needs to move on.
 
thejibberman said:
Everyone on this thread, needs to read this post. Nothing else. I had 'LTC' for 2 years, and it began to not apply to me once I moved on. Everyone else needs to move on.
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I agree with you that everyone should keep this to heart, but I also believe that one of the best things for recovery is support from others. I'm very fortunate to have that support from friends and family but also seeing that I'm not alone in this experience gives me comfort. Having someone that has already battled thru it encouraging me set me in the right path. I don't think there's anything wrong with reading the numerous encouragements posted on this thread.
 
Cotcha Yankinov said:
Just had surgery to take out scalene muscles on the left side this morning. Fabulous headache and eye ache on the left side for now ;p

@Howlow, I used to get the same neck spasm thing when I got upset. The muscles spasming are the suboccipitals and the scalenes can cause issues with the cranial nerves in that area because they attach up into there (and are kicked in with stress)
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When you say neck twitching, do you mean your head was involuntarily moving from side to side?
 
Hi guys

I'll provide you with some background info.. 23 year old male, previously high-performing university student with good grades, big social circle, used to exercise 4x a week, engage in extracurriculars etc etc. One important thing to note is that I've had some problems with emotional numbness prior to taking ecstasy - though this did in no way interfere with my physical health, studies, relationships, goals, etc.

I made the worst mistake of my life 3 months ago, when I, being a bit too drunk ingested an ecstasy pill with a few friends. From what I can recall, the high felt pretty "normal" (as you would expect from MDMA) and the comedown wasn't too bad either. The first thing to go was my ability to sleep well, and then came sudden bursts of anxiety. After about a week the anxiety got replaced by full-on anhedonia, I couldn't find pleasure in anything. My appetite disappeared, my sex-drive hit rock bottom, overall everything that made life worth living just totally disappeared. This has been my permanent state ever since. My frontal lobe physically feels empty, and my thought processes have slowed down to an absolute minimum. I am unable to hold a normal conversation, as there is nothing I can think of to say. I feel no sharpness in my eyes anymore, I can't focus my sight since my eyes are just staring. As for my friends, they are all fine.

My previous high-functioning brain has completely shut down, and I feel like a vegetable. Not feeling emotions but otherwise functioning properly as I did before is paradise compared to my current state. I cannot stress this enough. It's as if I succesfully erased my whole personality, cognitive functions, inner drive and motivation that kept me moving forward in life despite my emotional numbness.

A prominent poster on another forum wrote this, which is spot-on what I am going through now:

"If the area of my brain containing my personality, emotions, self, and psyche were a hard drive, it's as if someone has used KillDisk to format and completely obliterate its contents. None of those aspects of me exist anymore, and so in a very real way I don't exist. I can't "feel" anything towards this, because my capacity to feel has been completely destroyed."

Would you like to know what my doctor thinks? Depression. Yup, that's it folks. Simple ol' depression. So I'm on Wellbutrin right now and as you guess there is no change happening. Trust me, I have tried exercising but it is extremely hard due to the fact that all I can sense is air going down my lungs, nothing else. This is like total lobotomization. I didn't know this kind of suffering was humanly possible. I can't distract myself from this state, as my brain doesn't allow me to even get the smallest sensation of joy out of anything - as if it does no longer have a reward system. I cannot even look forward to go sleeping, because that is shot aswell. I've become a total social recluse, since just going out meeting and talking to my closest friends is a huge challenge nowadays.

Is there anything you guys can suggest that can help me get atleast a little bit of relief? Every single second is just pure suffering, and this is taking up my thought process 24/7. Simply writing this down took me a big amount of effort.

Thanks
 
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@Keman, I think I'm not as severe case as you are (2 months, slowly getting better), but for some time I felt really, really bad, I thought that I ruined my life and there is no hope for me. This post really helped me: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...ME-I-GOT-BETTER-(good-to-be-fixed-in-the-top).

I think you should talk to psychiatrist. Although it is not a typical depression, antidepressants might help. But I think exercising, healthy food and relax are the best medicine. I too used to go to gim regularly, and exercising for 1,5 - 2 hours, now I can go to gim only when my nausea is less intensive, and even then I can exercise for only 0,5h, but I do as much as I can.
 
Inds said:
When you say neck twitching, do you mean your head was involuntarily moving from side to side?
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Not side to side as much as up, the spasming tends to cause looking towards the direction of the sky for me

Tics while actively on amphetamines are pretty common by the way
 
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