Tombs, Aihfl, Rio and Mel: Thank you all for the support after what's been a lousy, stressful few days. Just now, upon reading, each one of you have given me some added strength and resolve as the weekend approaches.
Rio: To answer your question, I have been using alcohol (though truly trying to cut back), either xanax or ambien at night and in the middle of the night, and occasional cannabis (which I should use more as it totally cuts down on my cravings for all of the above. But I have been off my DOC for nearly two month, and tomorrow will mark 3 week off suboxone, and it's been a week since kratom. I regrettably used cocaine this week a few times. But I will heed some advice and not be too hard on myself about it. It's gone, and what's done is done. Stims really are not my thing.
Tombs: I just teared up reading your words regarding growing up fatherless and your feelings upon seeing boys with there dads. My little ones are not old enough to understand and grasp the internal pain and struggles I am having with substance use and abuse, but they do see me cry sometimes lately, as my emotions are flooding back after being repressed for so long... it's kinda crazy. I love my kids so much, and I want to be alive and engaged with them for as long as possible, without being drunk or stoned or high on something all the time. Like I told my wife last week, as we were – once again – talking about my addictions... I declared something to the effect of, "Despite my problems and issues, I am HERE! Every fucking day! I don't dissappear for days at a time. I take them to day care, I pick them up, I don't put them in harm's way, I take care of there needs... I am HERE!" She quietly acknowledged that it is true.
And Ai, on that note and a nod to music, how passionate I am about music is slowly coming back to me. I am no virtuouso, but I can play a mean rhythm guitar -- easy, open chord stuff, and I find myself picking up the instrument daily again and strumming away or learning a song that pops into my head. I also play the drums. I am a better drummer than guitarist, and it helps to blow off some steam. Thing is though, I associate playing music with drinking and doing drugs, so that;s something that needs to change, and perhaps some of those mindfulness tips can help with the cravings as they come.
And lastly... to answer your question, Mel, I have gotten out and gone for some brisk walks earlier in the week, which felt great. Too bad the weather has been downright shitty. Still cold, rainy and dreary here in North Jersey. BUT... I read earlier today something about there being something we as addicts LOVED to do before succumbing to our addictions... for me, it was playing tennis. I was so passionate about it, and pretty damned good for a seemingly out of shape guy in his late 30s. I've still played througout the last few years, but game of course is not nearly what it was. My buddy who I play with is excited for my return and to play with the KraziKat that doesn't have "oxy legs" as we called it.
So... while this past week was really hard, I am ending it on a an upswing.
I went to an NA meeting yesterday and an AA meeting today, FWIW. While I haven't been abstinent, I go, and I mostly listen. But I did actually speak up and share yesterday for the first time, and was told to keep coming back. So I got that going for me
Have a great weekend all, and know that your support here on BL has been so helpful really means a lot me.