I can't stop thinking about drinking and doing drugs, or thinking about NOT drinking and doing drugs. I have so much work to do, and I sit here doing none of it. Just obsessing. Surfing the internet, reading addiction and recovery stories and articles, feeling anxious and panicky, not doing anything.
KraziKat's Quit II: This time it's for real!
- Thread starter KraziKat
- Start date
Tombs
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I grew up without a father. Although I blame myself for my life choices and the problems that I created due to my use, I cannot help but imagine what my life would be like if my father was there. He shot dope everyday of my life until he crossed the wrong people in Poland and got murdered. I tried my whole life to reach out to him and the only response I ever got was one sentence on facebook. The fact that you're there for your kid(s) and being a father is something that cannot be replaced. Every time I see a father-son playing catch or something I get teary eyed and a tad resentful. I must be rather transparent because my girl picked up on this and asked me to discuss it when I feel comfortable.
The work will still be there if you don't do it, the drugs will still be there if you don't do them but you only have one chance to raise your kids the right way. The fact that you love them enough to stay, in my opinion, is the most important thing in the world.
Oh and BTW, you're doing awesome. We all have white-knuckle days.
aihfl
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Krazi, I'm looking for my rehab notebooks in which I took notes on the therapy sessions in which we covered distraction and preemptive planning techniques. In a nutshell though, here is the gist of the overall picture:
Event --> Thought (this could signal the start of a relapse or "reframing" in which the using thought/idea is stopped) --> Emotion --> Action --> Consequences
These distractions may sound like small things, but they're surprisingly effective, especially in early recovery:
Snapping (I used this one a lot - wear a rubber band around your wrist and when your thoughts turn to using, snap the band to remind yourself to reframe your mental state
Mindfulness meditation - this can take a lot of different forms: quietly absorb your surroundings and mentally describe without judgment what you see (i.e. "there's a black chair over there" vs. "that black chair is dirty"). Also, I liked to visualize a complex task such as preparing a dish or mentally practicing a piece of music at the piano and mentally "feeling" what all the task entails. Think about doing whatever activity you enjoy.
These techniques may sound borderline silly, but they worked for me. The good news is that as more time elapses, the less you'll need them.
The other thing is to plan ahead of time what you'll do when these intrusive thoughts happen. It's easier to get rid of them than trying to come up with a distraction when these thoughts are already occupying your mind.
Event --> Thought (this could signal the start of a relapse or "reframing" in which the using thought/idea is stopped) --> Emotion --> Action --> Consequences
These distractions may sound like small things, but they're surprisingly effective, especially in early recovery:
Snapping (I used this one a lot - wear a rubber band around your wrist and when your thoughts turn to using, snap the band to remind yourself to reframe your mental state
Mindfulness meditation - this can take a lot of different forms: quietly absorb your surroundings and mentally describe without judgment what you see (i.e. "there's a black chair over there" vs. "that black chair is dirty"). Also, I liked to visualize a complex task such as preparing a dish or mentally practicing a piece of music at the piano and mentally "feeling" what all the task entails. Think about doing whatever activity you enjoy.
These techniques may sound borderline silly, but they worked for me. The good news is that as more time elapses, the less you'll need them.
The other thing is to plan ahead of time what you'll do when these intrusive thoughts happen. It's easier to get rid of them than trying to come up with a distraction when these thoughts are already occupying your mind.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You ARE doing great. What you are going through is a painful, guilt ridden, ball of extreme anxiety (if it's anything like what I went through) that only gets better with time away from opiates. You have roughly a month off of opiates, right? That is so awesome. Just keep swimming, man. It will get better.
Have you started working out? I think it might help, if you can. It gets you out of your head for a little bit.
Have you started working out? I think it might help, if you can. It gets you out of your head for a little bit.
Tombs, Aihfl, Rio and Mel: Thank you all for the support after what's been a lousy, stressful few days. Just now, upon reading, each one of you have given me some added strength and resolve as the weekend approaches.
Rio: To answer your question, I have been using alcohol (though truly trying to cut back), either xanax or ambien at night and in the middle of the night, and occasional cannabis (which I should use more as it totally cuts down on my cravings for all of the above. But I have been off my DOC for nearly two month, and tomorrow will mark 3 week off suboxone, and it's been a week since kratom. I regrettably used cocaine this week a few times. But I will heed some advice and not be too hard on myself about it. It's gone, and what's done is done. Stims really are not my thing.
Tombs: I just teared up reading your words regarding growing up fatherless and your feelings upon seeing boys with there dads. My little ones are not old enough to understand and grasp the internal pain and struggles I am having with substance use and abuse, but they do see me cry sometimes lately, as my emotions are flooding back after being repressed for so long... it's kinda crazy. I love my kids so much, and I want to be alive and engaged with them for as long as possible, without being drunk or stoned or high on something all the time. Like I told my wife last week, as we were – once again – talking about my addictions... I declared something to the effect of, "Despite my problems and issues, I am HERE! Every fucking day! I don't dissappear for days at a time. I take them to day care, I pick them up, I don't put them in harm's way, I take care of there needs... I am HERE!" She quietly acknowledged that it is true.
And Ai, on that note and a nod to music, how passionate I am about music is slowly coming back to me. I am no virtuouso, but I can play a mean rhythm guitar -- easy, open chord stuff, and I find myself picking up the instrument daily again and strumming away or learning a song that pops into my head. I also play the drums. I am a better drummer than guitarist, and it helps to blow off some steam. Thing is though, I associate playing music with drinking and doing drugs, so that;s something that needs to change, and perhaps some of those mindfulness tips can help with the cravings as they come.
And lastly... to answer your question, Mel, I have gotten out and gone for some brisk walks earlier in the week, which felt great. Too bad the weather has been downright shitty. Still cold, rainy and dreary here in North Jersey. BUT... I read earlier today something about there being something we as addicts LOVED to do before succumbing to our addictions... for me, it was playing tennis. I was so passionate about it, and pretty damned good for a seemingly out of shape guy in his late 30s. I've still played througout the last few years, but game of course is not nearly what it was. My buddy who I play with is excited for my return and to play with the KraziKat that doesn't have "oxy legs" as we called it.
So... while this past week was really hard, I am ending it on a an upswing.
I went to an NA meeting yesterday and an AA meeting today, FWIW. While I haven't been abstinent, I go, and I mostly listen. But I did actually speak up and share yesterday for the first time, and was told to keep coming back. So I got that going for me
Have a great weekend all, and know that your support here on BL has been so helpful really means a lot me.
Rio: To answer your question, I have been using alcohol (though truly trying to cut back), either xanax or ambien at night and in the middle of the night, and occasional cannabis (which I should use more as it totally cuts down on my cravings for all of the above. But I have been off my DOC for nearly two month, and tomorrow will mark 3 week off suboxone, and it's been a week since kratom. I regrettably used cocaine this week a few times. But I will heed some advice and not be too hard on myself about it. It's gone, and what's done is done. Stims really are not my thing.
Tombs: I just teared up reading your words regarding growing up fatherless and your feelings upon seeing boys with there dads. My little ones are not old enough to understand and grasp the internal pain and struggles I am having with substance use and abuse, but they do see me cry sometimes lately, as my emotions are flooding back after being repressed for so long... it's kinda crazy. I love my kids so much, and I want to be alive and engaged with them for as long as possible, without being drunk or stoned or high on something all the time. Like I told my wife last week, as we were – once again – talking about my addictions... I declared something to the effect of, "Despite my problems and issues, I am HERE! Every fucking day! I don't dissappear for days at a time. I take them to day care, I pick them up, I don't put them in harm's way, I take care of there needs... I am HERE!" She quietly acknowledged that it is true.
And Ai, on that note and a nod to music, how passionate I am about music is slowly coming back to me. I am no virtuouso, but I can play a mean rhythm guitar -- easy, open chord stuff, and I find myself picking up the instrument daily again and strumming away or learning a song that pops into my head. I also play the drums. I am a better drummer than guitarist, and it helps to blow off some steam. Thing is though, I associate playing music with drinking and doing drugs, so that;s something that needs to change, and perhaps some of those mindfulness tips can help with the cravings as they come.
And lastly... to answer your question, Mel, I have gotten out and gone for some brisk walks earlier in the week, which felt great. Too bad the weather has been downright shitty. Still cold, rainy and dreary here in North Jersey. BUT... I read earlier today something about there being something we as addicts LOVED to do before succumbing to our addictions... for me, it was playing tennis. I was so passionate about it, and pretty damned good for a seemingly out of shape guy in his late 30s. I've still played througout the last few years, but game of course is not nearly what it was. My buddy who I play with is excited for my return and to play with the KraziKat that doesn't have "oxy legs" as we called it.
So... while this past week was really hard, I am ending it on a an upswing.
I went to an NA meeting yesterday and an AA meeting today, FWIW. While I haven't been abstinent, I go, and I mostly listen. But I did actually speak up and share yesterday for the first time, and was told to keep coming back. So I got that going for me
Have a great weekend all, and know that your support here on BL has been so helpful really means a lot me.
Polydrug addiction sucks. I wish it was only one substance I was struggling with. Mistakes have been made. It was a horrible idea for me to dabble with stimulants in order to overcome the lethargy and anhedonia that came with my opiod detox and WD. Same goes for excessive alcohol. Who can use stims without having booze for the comedown? I should know better.
Where did it leave me? Back where I said I didn't want to be, on kratom. The good news is that my tolerance has been reset somewhat.
I decided that light kratom usage was the lesser of two evils, compared to a pint per day of vodka, which is what I was doing last week. The stims ramped up the drinking, and the hangover led me back to kratom. At least I didn't cave and do pills. So far, I am playing the tape through with the oxy usage. Subs as well.
So Saturday I did one 5 gram dose of OPMS silver gas station kratom. You know the product. It was too much. I hated the feeling. But I didn't hate it enough to not cut it in half on Sunday and dose twice.
So now I'm at only 5 grams per day total of kratom capsules. I have only had one 11% 22oz beer since Saturday afternoon. I think this is progress?? I'll attempt to remove a capsule from the doses starting tomorrow AM. Sound like a plan?
Where did it leave me? Back where I said I didn't want to be, on kratom. The good news is that my tolerance has been reset somewhat.
I decided that light kratom usage was the lesser of two evils, compared to a pint per day of vodka, which is what I was doing last week. The stims ramped up the drinking, and the hangover led me back to kratom. At least I didn't cave and do pills. So far, I am playing the tape through with the oxy usage. Subs as well.
So Saturday I did one 5 gram dose of OPMS silver gas station kratom. You know the product. It was too much. I hated the feeling. But I didn't hate it enough to not cut it in half on Sunday and dose twice.
So now I'm at only 5 grams per day total of kratom capsules. I have only had one 11% 22oz beer since Saturday afternoon. I think this is progress?? I'll attempt to remove a capsule from the doses starting tomorrow AM. Sound like a plan?
Krazi - I don't have time to read through everything since the last time I was here but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and rooting for you.
I agree that the lesser of 2 evils is kratom, easier to regular and taper when you're ready to quit. Anyway I'll be back when I've read everything.
I agree that the lesser of 2 evils is kratom, easier to regular and taper when you're ready to quit. Anyway I'll be back when I've read everything.
Thanks for the support, tjmothy, and right back at ya rootin for you!
Not a drop of alcohol for me last night, which is a big win. Had another uncomfortable conversation with the wife about my alcohol misuse however. She asked if I had used kratom, and I was mostly honest. I tried to explain to her my feelings on the these topics, regarding my cross/poly drug addiction and attempts at recovery. She wishes I would tell her the truth all the time, at the time I am going to do something. I tried to explain that people like me do things like hide vodka and drink alone late at night because we don't want to be confronted about our drinking, and want access when we want, and, most of all, we are ashamed of the behavior. At least I am, now.
But I expressed that I am not giving up... fall down 7 times, stand up 8! She made a comment alluding to "you've said this before" and something to the effect of, "I may leave you over this if you don't change your ways, etc"
Those comments make me wanna DRINK!! But I did not. There is wine in the house and some Baileys and Kahlua but that's it. I've one beer since Saturday (though is was a giant beer). xanax every other night for sleep, OTC sleep meds and MJ the others. How fucked up is it that I am so acutely aware of how much and exactly what kind of alcohol there is in the house!?
Anyway, my head is in a decent place right now, all things considered. I traveling to Florida on Sunday to give a keynote presentation on Monday. This will me a first for me. I completed the powerpoint yesterday, and got great feedback from the event's organizer. Huge weight lifted.
Substance-wise, I am taking relatively small doses of kratom. My challenge comes in the evening, when my cravings are booze are very strong. I will try to be as well.
Not a drop of alcohol for me last night, which is a big win. Had another uncomfortable conversation with the wife about my alcohol misuse however. She asked if I had used kratom, and I was mostly honest. I tried to explain to her my feelings on the these topics, regarding my cross/poly drug addiction and attempts at recovery. She wishes I would tell her the truth all the time, at the time I am going to do something. I tried to explain that people like me do things like hide vodka and drink alone late at night because we don't want to be confronted about our drinking, and want access when we want, and, most of all, we are ashamed of the behavior. At least I am, now.
But I expressed that I am not giving up... fall down 7 times, stand up 8! She made a comment alluding to "you've said this before" and something to the effect of, "I may leave you over this if you don't change your ways, etc"
Those comments make me wanna DRINK!! But I did not. There is wine in the house and some Baileys and Kahlua but that's it. I've one beer since Saturday (though is was a giant beer). xanax every other night for sleep, OTC sleep meds and MJ the others. How fucked up is it that I am so acutely aware of how much and exactly what kind of alcohol there is in the house!?
Anyway, my head is in a decent place right now, all things considered. I traveling to Florida on Sunday to give a keynote presentation on Monday. This will me a first for me. I completed the powerpoint yesterday, and got great feedback from the event's organizer. Huge weight lifted.
Substance-wise, I am taking relatively small doses of kratom. My challenge comes in the evening, when my cravings are booze are very strong. I will try to be as well.
Beenbetter
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Good god brotha you are killin it!!!!
congrats!!
you have won!
you might not think you have yet, but you have, if you keep the same mindset. I’m searching endlessly for the right support. Whoever or whatever that may be. Your winning this battle!!! Keep it up!!!!
congrats!!
you have won!
you might not think you have yet, but you have, if you keep the same mindset. I’m searching endlessly for the right support. Whoever or whatever that may be. Your winning this battle!!! Keep it up!!!!
Thanks, BB!
Every day lately is a struggle in some capacity. Ups and downs, highs and lows... I look forward to looking back on these days and smiling, with the knowledge that this is era of my life is a turning point.
I spoke with a dear friend earlier today, who is active in AA for a few months now after drinking for 40 years. He agrees that although this is a very heavy time, what you and I and all of us are doing ? questioning our intake and substance misuse, desiring change, is an important step that is worthy of praise.
Let's continue to do the best we can.
It's been awhile. Feeling rather down in the dumps. I got 3 bad traffic tickets yesterday -- driving with a suspended license, reckless driving and failure to show insurance. I need to start giving a shit about things and be responsible. I feel like a dirty fuck up. Yesterday sucked. On top of that, I found my wife going through my toiletries bag where I keep a variety of pill bottles with assorted meds. The only thing worth anything in there days is 1 bar of xanax and a couple ambien...
I think I'm going to need those this weekend and in the coming days. I've just been kind of sputtering along. I'd stopped obsessing over stopping this and that when it comes to my use, but then the obsession ramps back up. Like, I go from fuck it, to I need I need to be SOBER.
I'd stopped kratom. Made it 3 full days, only to use once yesterday and today. Just 3 grams or so I'd guess, maybe more. But my kratom tolerance is rather low atm, which I'd like to keep it that way. Why'd I turn back to k? Because of being hungover and anxious. No good reason. My whole thing was to be done with opiods.
I guess I have to remember that it wasn't too long ago that I was taking upwards of 200 mg oxycodone a day. I have cravings, but I am not going back there. So I say.
Alcohol. I need to seriously consider that I may not be able to drink. I seem to follow a few good days of zero drinking or minimal, with nightly and middle-of-the-night to go back to sleep boozing on hidden bottles. Why???? I am a drug addict and an alcoholic. I love pills.
I'm going to be okay. I want to be. At the moment I am in a dark place that is quite familiar, sadly. In an obsessing phase. Can't work, sleep is terrible. Why can't I just stick to cannabis?
Sorry for the stream of conciousness rant, if youve made it this far. Here's to better days ahead. I wasn't drunk when I got pulled over, but I felt I was going to be arrested. I had drugs in the car -- weed. I'd actually just eaten an edible and was committed to not boozing. But then the 3 tickets happened. And I knew I was going to slam vodka as soon as I got home. And now there is no more.
Then, apparently, what triggered the wife rummaging through my stuff looking for drugs was her seeing kratom remnants. She was like, "I thought you were done with this, blah blah, I don't trust you yadda yadda yadda." I was furious. She going to look up the imprints on this vast assortment of benadryl, viagra, some beta blocker, melatonin, et al. No opiates, baby!!!
I will not buy a bottle of vodka on the way home from work.
I think I'm going to need those this weekend and in the coming days. I've just been kind of sputtering along. I'd stopped obsessing over stopping this and that when it comes to my use, but then the obsession ramps back up. Like, I go from fuck it, to I need I need to be SOBER.
I'd stopped kratom. Made it 3 full days, only to use once yesterday and today. Just 3 grams or so I'd guess, maybe more. But my kratom tolerance is rather low atm, which I'd like to keep it that way. Why'd I turn back to k? Because of being hungover and anxious. No good reason. My whole thing was to be done with opiods.
I guess I have to remember that it wasn't too long ago that I was taking upwards of 200 mg oxycodone a day. I have cravings, but I am not going back there. So I say.
Alcohol. I need to seriously consider that I may not be able to drink. I seem to follow a few good days of zero drinking or minimal, with nightly and middle-of-the-night to go back to sleep boozing on hidden bottles. Why???? I am a drug addict and an alcoholic. I love pills.
I'm going to be okay. I want to be. At the moment I am in a dark place that is quite familiar, sadly. In an obsessing phase. Can't work, sleep is terrible. Why can't I just stick to cannabis?
Sorry for the stream of conciousness rant, if youve made it this far. Here's to better days ahead. I wasn't drunk when I got pulled over, but I felt I was going to be arrested. I had drugs in the car -- weed. I'd actually just eaten an edible and was committed to not boozing. But then the 3 tickets happened. And I knew I was going to slam vodka as soon as I got home. And now there is no more.
Then, apparently, what triggered the wife rummaging through my stuff looking for drugs was her seeing kratom remnants. She was like, "I thought you were done with this, blah blah, I don't trust you yadda yadda yadda." I was furious. She going to look up the imprints on this vast assortment of benadryl, viagra, some beta blocker, melatonin, et al. No opiates, baby!!!
I will not buy a bottle of vodka on the way home from work.
aihfl
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Krazi, you're pretty fortunate you weren't arrested - had this taken place in Florida (which is extremely punitive) you almost certainly would have been arrested. I have an AA buddy who should have been arrested for DUI here, but the cop instead chose to write him about a thousand bucks worth of traffic tickets instead, but I've been told by attorney friends those days are over. I was pretty fortunate to get my DUI in Tennessee, because as bad as the consequences were, getting it here would have been much, much worse. I would strongly encourage you to talk to your wife about spending some time inpatient somewhere and seeing if your employer is covered under the Family Medical Leave Act. Believe me, I know there are a million reasons not to go, but if you pick a good program, you would get some concrete tools to make your quit stick instead of trial-and-erroring it. SL is pulling for you.
EDIT: There's a non-12 step place in Albany but since it's not a traditional rehab they don't do insurance.
EDIT: There's a non-12 step place in Albany but since it's not a traditional rehab they don't do insurance.
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Thanks, Aihfl. The thought of In-patient rehab is overwhelming to me. I travel enough for work, and it's hard to leave my wife alone with the two kids for an extended period of time. I'm not ruling it out, but before it comes to that, I'd like to make a concerted effort to be more open and honest with my spouse. The way I've been going is pretty bad. We've discussed this, me not going down the alcoholic road of hiding liquor. I don't day drink, no shakes or anything, it's just that when 6 pm rolls around, and I'm home making dinner or whatever, I get this compulsion to drink.
I'd like to think I can garner the strength and resolve to not give in. At the very least to no give in to hard liquor. I beat oxy, I'm beating kratom, I'm not addicted to benzos (I don't think), I'm just hooked on altering my mood, self-medicating. I want to be healthy.
I know I didn't get a DUI, but I feel like I did. Funny, Albany is where I got my one and only DUI 20 years ago. I hate my employer. I'd hate for them to know that I am weak, and can't control shit. I meet all my deadlines. Always. I don't disappear for days at a time. Or even a night. If I'm not traveling for work, I am home, with my kids, being a loving father... and a loving husband when my wife doesn't look at me like a lying drug addict.
I've come far, but not far enough. I've been playing the tape through with regard to my DOC of oxy. This is the longest I've abstained from the pills in 5 years. I guess that's something to be proud of. But that was five years of lying and manipulating. A lot of damage to my brain.
And you're right... this trial and error BS is not working so well for me. I've seen so many BLers post their stories and then dissappear for awhile and come back with great news on their sobriety. I want to do that too. But this polydrug / cross addiction thing is a real BITCH.
I've made minor improvements. When the adderall comes around, I say no to it, same for cocaine. Stims make me drink. Turn me into a drunk. Then I get turned into a drunk, and I seek solace and AM relief in opiods, which, for what its worth, is only low dose kratom. Then I say I want to quit kratom, and I buy a bottle. Rinse. Repeat. It would be nice to check in to a rehab right now, and just learn to be me without any crutches. It's hard enough for me to make the time to go to meetings. For now, if I continue to struggle, I owe it to myself to seek help.
aihfl
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I bet it's pretty penny. I don't know. I never got past the stage of looking at their website, which of course is going to cast it in the most positive light, but the place is called St. Jude's Retreat. It looks like a bed and breakfast. Don't get me wrong though, treatment isn't a panacea. I didn't go this last time after I got my DUI but that had more to do with the shitheads there botching my admissions process rather than an unwillingness to go. I found it ironic, actually, because most of the time these places try to strong-arm you into admitting yourself on the spot, and these assholes were throwing up obstacle after obstacle until I just said fuck it. That said though, I knew I had to do something different and for me that was working a program, which consists of both AA (I was primarily an alcoholic, drugs were an afterthought) and Refuge Recovery and more importantly, contributing to those organizations by chairing meetings and doing other service like setting up the rooms, making coffee etc. Not to say that recovery support groups are a panacea either (although there are plenty of people in 12 step ready to assure you that the 12 steps are the only way one can stay sober). There are plenty of people who stay clean without recovery support groups but everyone who stays clean has found other elements that give their life structure and meaning.
I know this, in my heart, to be true. I just have to do it. I've gone to a few meetings here in NJ in recent weeks, and I do like them. I used to be a tennis fanatic. I crave that natural high I'd get from playing. Godamn it. My life, prior to having my current job, and prior to be being married with kids... seemed so much simpler, and happier. And I drank and did drugs back then too, but I was okay with all of it. What's happened to me? Why am I not okay with it my usage anymore?
I have a best friend who uses just as much as me, but he's not seeking recovery and struggling and obsessing over his alcoholism. He's seems perfectly happy. And he's a smart, standup guy, married with two young kids like me. Drinks nightly. Pops pills, does blow, etc.
I'm just thinking out loud here -- why, after 41 years on this earth, and using drink and drugs very regularly for more than half my time here, am I at this spiritual crossroads? And why isn't it as simple as just stopping the behaviors that are irritating me? Why now? Why me?
I am feeling better now than I did this morning, at least when I forget about my traffic tickets suspended license situation. I had some coffee and got work done. But I will be driving home illegally. Hey, NJ
Grinders Kiefers
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I think practically everyone who uses drugs regularly comes to this sort of crossroads in their life - some sooner than others. Maybe deep down you know that there's something about your drug use that interferes with your life or makes you compromise your beliefs and values. You could look at getting clean as an opportunity to get to know yourself better and stop relying on band-aids to cover deeper issues.
This. I know this. I know the trauma I experienced as a child. It's real. I know the genetic disposition is there. I can and will talk openly about my issues... my problem is changing... is living without the Band-Aids. It's feeling anxiety and depression without trying to take it away... I struggle with simply stopping the madness. Because on the outside, it seems so simple, and maybe it is but I am just not seeing it. Part of it was physical... but if I'm in the clear of terrible physical dependence, which I think I am for the most part, why does that internal alarm go off every goddamn day telling me "it's time to take the edge off."