Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on
- Thread starter simco
- Start date
- Status
Stargazer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2013
- Messages
- 1,673
DF- Prayers were and are sent for you and your Mom.
My ex husband had night terrors. Holy freakin shit. I would grab my daughter out of the crib- and stand back. It was terrifying to witness.
He'd run screaming through the house Once even kicked a picture off the wall.
I asked him what it was he was dreaming during them. He said it was a re-current dream of walking through these dark, creepy woods w a sense of being followed. It caused him to break into a run. Then he'd come to a lake eventually that had black water and there was the most grotesque "monster" he'd e ever seen w 9 tentacles. Here's the kicker- it had his mother's face.
Hmm- lets analyze that. It sent chills down my spine. Im sorry you go through them DF. Really terrifying to watch let alone live through Im sure.
Hope everyone is well today. Much love to all. xoxo.
My ex husband had night terrors. Holy freakin shit. I would grab my daughter out of the crib- and stand back. It was terrifying to witness.
He'd run screaming through the house Once even kicked a picture off the wall.
I asked him what it was he was dreaming during them. He said it was a re-current dream of walking through these dark, creepy woods w a sense of being followed. It caused him to break into a run. Then he'd come to a lake eventually that had black water and there was the most grotesque "monster" he'd e ever seen w 9 tentacles. Here's the kicker- it had his mother's face.
Hmm- lets analyze that. It sent chills down my spine. Im sorry you go through them DF. Really terrifying to watch let alone live through Im sure.
Hope everyone is well today. Much love to all. xoxo.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
Do what you feel you need to do dreamflyer! If you need anything or have any site related concerns please reach out to someone on staff 
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
df...please remember, if you're having an emotional/psychiatric crisis you can always call 911 or simply show up to the ER (at least in the US).
I had to do that once, and it saved my life.
Please consider seeking help, even if you're not sure you need it.
I had to do that once, and it saved my life.
Please consider seeking help, even if you're not sure you need it.
CFC
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2013
- Messages
- 18,171
Dreamflyer, so sorry to hear you're struggling. Why don't you let us help you? We're used to people going through hell here - honestly. Rather than delete yourself, instead start talking to us, or PM me or another here if you want. No one's going to judge or overreact to anything you say. These thoughts running through your head - they aren't being honest with you. Let us give you a different perspective.
Take care!
CFC
Take care!
CFC
somnilicious
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2012
- Messages
- 3,220
Yeah... DF. I love what you have to say. I'm the idiot that's always posting self absorbed musings and drug romanticizing epilogues about my past exploits. If anyone should second guess what they are saying it's me but I don't and you shouldn't either. You are a very valuable member here. We are here for you.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I think the point has been made. Let's let DF do what they need to do. If they feel like sharing about it I'm entirely confident they will do so.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I'm so sorry, my mom's not doing well and I wanted to explain everything, but I was switching between two different computers and one wasn't working. I thought that I had deleted my original post and sent a new one, but I ended up editing the first one and pasting part of an old one so I realize that none of it made any sense.
Anyway, I begged her to go to the ER for two days but she refused and said that she was all better. She was laughing and working in the yard and everything. Now everybody's saying that I should have called 911 myself and that it'll be my fault if anything happens to her.
This is my worst nightmare come to life. I always worry about doing or saying something that puts somebody else in danger and feeling responsible anyway. Now, not only is that actually happening but it's my mom.
I had a lot of old posts from different forums where I talked about things like medications that helped me in the past. I don't want to give anyone the wrong information or advice, so I decided to delete all of them and not post any new ones.
I'm sorry for making this so confusing. I didn't want to disappear without trying to explain, but I didn't have time to fix my posts and didn't even realize that I sent half of the wrong one. I hope this makes more sense. I'll try to post this on the other forums before I have to get off this computer, because I don't know if and when I'll have access to one again.
I love everyone
Anyway, I begged her to go to the ER for two days but she refused and said that she was all better. She was laughing and working in the yard and everything. Now everybody's saying that I should have called 911 myself and that it'll be my fault if anything happens to her.
This is my worst nightmare come to life. I always worry about doing or saying something that puts somebody else in danger and feeling responsible anyway. Now, not only is that actually happening but it's my mom.
I had a lot of old posts from different forums where I talked about things like medications that helped me in the past. I don't want to give anyone the wrong information or advice, so I decided to delete all of them and not post any new ones.
I'm sorry for making this so confusing. I didn't want to disappear without trying to explain, but I didn't have time to fix my posts and didn't even realize that I sent half of the wrong one. I hope this makes more sense. I'll try to post this on the other forums before I have to get off this computer, because I don't know if and when I'll have access to one again.
I love everyone
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
We hear you dreamflyer. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We're not going anywhere, so you're always welcome to get involved again if you decide to leave/take some time off.
P.s. Also, know that you too are loved by more than a few of us comrade
P.s. Also, know that you too are loved by more than a few of us comrade
Last edited by a moderator:
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
Not to worry, DF. We got your back.
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
I'm starting to think about going back to a couple NA meetings. I feel like I'm kinda starting to spiral. Feeling depressed--more than before--and obsessing about drugs. The obsessing is weird...I haven't gotten close to scoring/using. But I just think about it intensely.
The reason I'm considering NA is frankly because I'm feeling lonely. Really all I'd be going for is the chance for some social interaction. But I'm on the fence. The last several times I went to meetings, they seemed more cliquish than ever, so I'm not sure how much they'd help at this point.
I had a good talk with my wife this morning about the depression, so that was relieving. But I didn't tell her about the drug fantasies. That's a can of worms I just am not up for opening (telling anyone IRL about them, not just my wife).
Well, for now I'm going to play some music. I did find a bunch of old tracks I'd recorded before moving. To my surprise, they weren't half bad. Maybe that will give me something to focus on. Unfortunately, all those old tracks, I'd written and laid out when I was high. So there's a bit of guilt by association there. Still.
The reason I'm considering NA is frankly because I'm feeling lonely. Really all I'd be going for is the chance for some social interaction. But I'm on the fence. The last several times I went to meetings, they seemed more cliquish than ever, so I'm not sure how much they'd help at this point.
I had a good talk with my wife this morning about the depression, so that was relieving. But I didn't tell her about the drug fantasies. That's a can of worms I just am not up for opening (telling anyone IRL about them, not just my wife).
Well, for now I'm going to play some music. I did find a bunch of old tracks I'd recorded before moving. To my surprise, they weren't half bad. Maybe that will give me something to focus on. Unfortunately, all those old tracks, I'd written and laid out when I was high. So there's a bit of guilt by association there. Still.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
It sounds like you're in a better place having moved, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was also difficult getting started in a new city.
Have you ever thought about iboga simco? And not just cause of those posts yesterday
Have you ever thought about iboga simco? And not just cause of those posts yesterday
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
It sounds like you're in a better place having moved, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was also difficult getting started in a new city.
Have you ever thought about iboga simco? And not just cause of those posts yesterday
I definitely have considered iboga. Though it's been a while since it was on my mind (did a lot of research on it about 9 months ago). The main obstacle for me is that the SSRI I take for depression (zoloft) seems to shut down the effectiveness of hallucinogens completely. When I did some experimenting with psilocybin last spring, I had to withhold zoloft for four weeks before I was able to experience anything. I could do that again. But I'm a little hesitant to monkey with the meds these days...after I went off the zoloft last spring, I tried to stay off them. It took me a while to realize that my mood had really cratered since stopping, so I initiated them again and definitely noticed an improvement.
I wonder if there's a chance iboga might react differently to SSRIs than psilocybin?
Also, I think you're right...getting my footing in a new state/city has been harder than I expected. I imagine that time will be the biggest help in that regard. Patience has never been my strong suit.
Thanks for the message, TPD. I appreciate it.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
Always brother
For what it's worth, even when they're relatively minor, I have always struggled with transitions. All the more so since getting sober. My drug use tends to go up and I tend to be more willing to engage in reckless behavior. It's better than it used to be (like at least I didn't decide to go out and take cocaine/benzos/heroin when I moved for school), but it's still very difficult. You certainly wouldn't be alone.
I am of two minds about recommending iboga to someone taking an antidepressant. I definitely used it past what was safe when I was taking buproprion, and it seemed to work just fine. But that is dangerous enough for it to be rather silly. Like asking for a cardiac issue. I feel like the only safe way to take this kind of thing is without being on any psych meds that interact with them. But as you mention that tends to require stopping treatment with psych meds for a few weeks, which can be problematic for a whole host of reasons.
I don't know about specific interactions between iboga and SSRIs though. Would be interesting to look into it. Now, if they have ketamine treatment where you're located, that might be worth considering. By and large it's safer and less complicated in terms of taking other meds than iboga/ibogaine is for sure. But again a very personal decision, one that requires a bit of introspection.
Sending you good vibes simco. You got any plans for today this day off in the states?
For what it's worth, even when they're relatively minor, I have always struggled with transitions. All the more so since getting sober. My drug use tends to go up and I tend to be more willing to engage in reckless behavior. It's better than it used to be (like at least I didn't decide to go out and take cocaine/benzos/heroin when I moved for school), but it's still very difficult. You certainly wouldn't be alone.
I am of two minds about recommending iboga to someone taking an antidepressant. I definitely used it past what was safe when I was taking buproprion, and it seemed to work just fine. But that is dangerous enough for it to be rather silly. Like asking for a cardiac issue. I feel like the only safe way to take this kind of thing is without being on any psych meds that interact with them. But as you mention that tends to require stopping treatment with psych meds for a few weeks, which can be problematic for a whole host of reasons.
I don't know about specific interactions between iboga and SSRIs though. Would be interesting to look into it. Now, if they have ketamine treatment where you're located, that might be worth considering. By and large it's safer and less complicated in terms of taking other meds than iboga/ibogaine is for sure. But again a very personal decision, one that requires a bit of introspection.
Sending you good vibes simco. You got any plans for today this day off in the states?
simco
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2,246
I'll look into iboga/SSRI interactions...if I find anything interesting, I'll post about it.
As for plans today, my new boss sent me a bunch of documentation on the software I'll be using when work starts, so I spent the morning reading some of that. I really am pretty jazzed about the job. I just wish HR would hurry up so I could start already!
For the afternoon, I'm going to work on music. I haven't been playing/writing much recently, but as I mentioned earlier, I found a bunch of old recordings of mine and that got me interested.
How about you? Are you off of school today? And more importantly, how has school been going?
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
Ugh agreed to help out a seemingly very damaged acquaintance (I mean, I'm rather damaged goods myself, and I have no idea what they've really been through, nor do I need to know the specifics to know they're hurting somewhere deep inside) this morning, but it looks like they might not make it over here (knock on wood)...
Then, double ugh, lunch with a relative. I'm doing quite a bit of family of origin work (Bowen) this semester, so it's useful to spend time with them, but god talk about dis-ease. It is so incredibly disregulating for me to spend too much time with them, so I have to be very careful about it at this point in time. On the other hand I don't want to distance myself unnecessarily, so it's kinda about trying to find some kind of managible middle ground.
I've been fasting since lunch yesterday (part of a meditation thing I'm experimenting with), so I'm definitely looking forward to a good meal in a couple hours.
The program is fantastic, but it's rather frustrating how Chaplaincy programs are based on a Christian framework (I mean, overtly so, a lot of material at least so far is written by religious scholars of the Christian variety exclusively). That, and, well, regardless of what religion in particular we are talking about (and yes, Buddhism is also a type of religion in this context), I can only barely stand the clannishness of it fucking all. Ugh...
And we have a lot of Zen folks here. I quite enjoy Zen, but in his case we are specifically talking about Japanese Zen traditions. At least those I have experienced in the states so far, they can end up being rather insular communities. I like them, but the insular aspect makes me uncomfortable given my personal style is the opposite (one school of though sees "enlightenment" happening best through seclusion from society, which is more in line with what I've been exposed to of Japanese Zen (in America), whereas the other school of though sees it as most likely to happen by immersing ones practice in everyday life, a school of though I'm more interested in - it would seem like Korean and Vietnamese Zen traditions are more like the latter than the former, though I can't really comment).
Lol yeah thanks for letting me vent a bit that said, we have some great students and amazing faculty here. And I'm really really really looking forward to starting rounds of a sort at the hospital this semester. I prefer practice to theory these days I guess
After everything I've experience with substance use disorder and drug use more generally, I am NOT used to being treated like a role model IRL. That is going to take some getting used to.
Then, double ugh, lunch with a relative. I'm doing quite a bit of family of origin work (Bowen) this semester, so it's useful to spend time with them, but god talk about dis-ease. It is so incredibly disregulating for me to spend too much time with them, so I have to be very careful about it at this point in time. On the other hand I don't want to distance myself unnecessarily, so it's kinda about trying to find some kind of managible middle ground.
I've been fasting since lunch yesterday (part of a meditation thing I'm experimenting with), so I'm definitely looking forward to a good meal in a couple hours.
The program is fantastic, but it's rather frustrating how Chaplaincy programs are based on a Christian framework (I mean, overtly so, a lot of material at least so far is written by religious scholars of the Christian variety exclusively). That, and, well, regardless of what religion in particular we are talking about (and yes, Buddhism is also a type of religion in this context), I can only barely stand the clannishness of it fucking all. Ugh...
And we have a lot of Zen folks here. I quite enjoy Zen, but in his case we are specifically talking about Japanese Zen traditions. At least those I have experienced in the states so far, they can end up being rather insular communities. I like them, but the insular aspect makes me uncomfortable given my personal style is the opposite (one school of though sees "enlightenment" happening best through seclusion from society, which is more in line with what I've been exposed to of Japanese Zen (in America), whereas the other school of though sees it as most likely to happen by immersing ones practice in everyday life, a school of though I'm more interested in - it would seem like Korean and Vietnamese Zen traditions are more like the latter than the former, though I can't really comment).
Lol yeah thanks for letting me vent a bit
that said, we have some great students and amazing faculty here. And I'm really really really looking forward to starting rounds of a sort at the hospital this semester. I prefer practice to theory these days I guess After everything I've experience with substance use disorder and drug use more generally, I am NOT used to being treated like a role model IRL. That is going to take some getting used to.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
Listening to my collection of Aphex Twin this morning has made me super happy, I might add
Gotta get to my computer later and post some songs in our glorious new music thread. It needs more electronic sounds
Gotta get to my computer later and post some songs in our glorious new music thread. It needs more electronic sounds
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I only have a minute online so I'm trying to type very quickly. I'm not high or anything.
I just wanted to let everybody know that just because you may not hear from me, it does not mean that I have forgotten, stopped caring, being grateful, etc.
You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers, and I try to spend a minute on here whenever I can.
Partly because of my OCD and partly because I was raised to believe (and am still being told) that everything is my fault and responsibility, it is very hard for me to post something and then just leave it. I keep second-guessing every word I said and coming back and edit/re-edit it, and I just don't have the time or computer access to be doing that right now.
When my old computer fried last week and I started going through the backup files on my flash drive, I just got really disgusted with myself. I'm almost 50 years old and I'm taking selfies like some teenager. I'm writing stupid love songs and keeping dream journals when I could be looking for a job or fixing up the house. Meanwhile, my mother is almost 70, working full time and getting sicker by the day (and of course, paying my bills because all of my savings went up my nose years or down my throat years ago).
I'm so filled with self-loathing right now that I can't even think about it. These are the types of feelings that make me want to drink/use though, so I'm always trying to be mindful of my mistakes and shortcomings without letting them consume me. Likewise, I'm afraid that giving up all ofmy hobbies and passions will send me into such a depression that I won't be of any use to anyone, so it's a balancing act.
Anyway, I have to log off so please take care and I'll try to be in touch when I can.
Your friend,
Dreamflyer
I just wanted to let everybody know that just because you may not hear from me, it does not mean that I have forgotten, stopped caring, being grateful, etc.
You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers, and I try to spend a minute on here whenever I can.
Partly because of my OCD and partly because I was raised to believe (and am still being told) that everything is my fault and responsibility, it is very hard for me to post something and then just leave it. I keep second-guessing every word I said and coming back and edit/re-edit it, and I just don't have the time or computer access to be doing that right now.
When my old computer fried last week and I started going through the backup files on my flash drive, I just got really disgusted with myself. I'm almost 50 years old and I'm taking selfies like some teenager. I'm writing stupid love songs and keeping dream journals when I could be looking for a job or fixing up the house. Meanwhile, my mother is almost 70, working full time and getting sicker by the day (and of course, paying my bills because all of my savings went up my nose years or down my throat years ago).
I'm so filled with self-loathing right now that I can't even think about it. These are the types of feelings that make me want to drink/use though, so I'm always trying to be mindful of my mistakes and shortcomings without letting them consume me. Likewise, I'm afraid that giving up all ofmy hobbies and passions will send me into such a depression that I won't be of any use to anyone, so it's a balancing act.
Anyway, I have to log off so please take care and I'll try to be in touch when I can.
Your friend,
Dreamflyer
- Status