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H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!

Sorry but you know what the addict in me thought with all that, seems reasonable. .. but the regular human with addict living inside me trying to be subdued saw, a whole long list of excuses... I know cause I come up with them all the time...

Us addicts all rationalize anything and everything possible and make up reasons for something to be ok... we bull shit ourselves into beleiving something that sounds ridiculous at face value.

I know all to well about self medicating and all the things that I told myself to make it ok. You can't take the times your not using for the day and compare them to the times that you are to make an argument for why things are ok. Your using biased results to make a point, so therefore you don't get results in the end only biased output.

Let's get to the root of things here, we can start small and im not a councilor and dont think im trying to be but i may be able to share personal experiences if i know a few things.... how long ago did your chronic pain start? When did you start using herion?

So you actually think that being sick all the time is better than just moving forward and stopping the self medication?? You think you get more done now that you did before, and working on plans and schemes to cop for your habbit dose not count as being productive....

Don't think I'm attacking you cause I'm anything but my please know that... If it comes across that way I apologize. You need to say what's on your mind and Ill do the same. If you censor then you can't get the true support you mat need and if I censor I can't give the true support I'm capable of... I am only trying to help, I'm sure you can see that because I know for a fact deep down you know that list you gave was all a bunch of rationalization of why it's better to use than not... trust me I am a professional rationalizer, we all are
 
Yo I have really bad chronic pain and I had it for 2 years before I even touched an opiate and at that point there was nothing left. I was fired because I was unable to work anymore due to the pain and had to go to the hospital. The first opiate I did was heroin. I knew what I was getting into at the time. I could not stand on my feet for more than a few minutes, and I was in constant physical agony. This was causing changes in my brain that were really detrimental to my mental health. Things have been a lot better since I got on opiates, I am prescribed them as well but not nearly enough to reflect my tolerance and pain level. So I use H.

If you want to keep sending your message to me (I get it, it's been five years of daily use and things could start getting bad now) then please PM me because honestly I'm starting to feel embarrassed. Like you are calling me out on being some fucking faker or some shit. I use to self medicate. Please I am sensitive just PM me. I'm really trying to stay away from the needle, I've only shot up once and that was a long time ago now. I know that would be a bad mood, like of course I know that. I also know that I would get higher off less for a little while (like a month or two max) so it's really tempting now that I am flat broke and in between jobs. My career job enabled me to have a perpetual habit, I never ran out for years and always kept a huge supply on hand of different opioids.

I shot dope when I was sniffing 50mg hits and I was down to my last 10 milligrams. It was totally a tolerance / keep well thing. Since then, a month ago, my tolerance is down to 20mg hits from using every other day. It took me a few pass outs and total nod-outs on 50mg hits to figure out that I couldn't handle them anymore, as I would wake up slouched over in my chair. I'm doing really well in terms of my tolerance though. When I was at 20 milligrams, shooting up never crossed my mind because even a half gram will last a good while at that dose level. The way I have reduced it has been through a journal with Time / Dose / Reason and trying my best to keep it to one dose every 8 hours as the reason my tolerance got so high is that I got a half ounce and used it all in two weeks (wayyyyy more than I normally do, I thought it would save me money, WRONG lol) so I had to recover from that. I'd only ever get a gram max again since it was so tempting to do more and more and I thought I'd never run out. haha
 
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Sorry you experienced all of that. Seriously, I won't comment any further but I am sorry about that. I had a childhood incident of sex abuse but I block it out of my memory (most of it) but it fucked me up sexually I feel. I'm certainly not giving up, I'm making use of a pain relieving drug in my mind so I can function to the best of my ability. I'm cutting back on my use though and hopefully eventually I won't be such a slave. I've already gone from 50mg hits to 20mg right? My tolerance is going down drastically because of all this time off and eventually I'll be more functional sober. I haven't spent any time at all sober in the past 5 years so it's a start.

My horoscope today (lol, I feel like it is the suboxone because it really has helped and my buddy gifted me them... and the heroin too, whenever it is taken away, I realize how much it means to mean ahaha): Sometimes, you don't know much something means to you until it's taken away. Other times, you don't realize how useful something can be until it's gifted to you. You'll be surprised at how handy something—or someone—can be today.

 
I have to repost it as I noticed the beginning got cut off and this entire post is out of context.
 
No need to feel embarrassed shroomy... I get it I've been there... I can relate... I won't get on you like that anymore here (or at least try my best), but I feel the need and am compelled to try to divert you from the path I have took... you know the old saying " I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" , that really rings true for me... the hell I've experienced I would never want anyone else to have to experience also... and if I can say something to try to divert the path I feel compelled to do so...

I get it and I feel kinda bad jumping on you for sharing truthfully, please don't stop that, it's a really good thing to do and is the best option to get some good info and direction along the way... don't let me deter you from sharing

This is a place we can all share openly and not fear doing so... and don't take my sharing as a personal attack on you... I've taken great care to try to make sure im not personally attacking you and anything that may be construed as an attack is a attack on the line of thinking I've known all to well throughout my life... it can be hard when someone attacks the things we like for it not to feel like an attack on you. I didnt gain these experiences and end up where i have by not liking using... but because I like something doesnt mean its a good thing by any means... at one time or another have thoughts just like we have talked about.

I have been through pain management before and had many surgeries and feel my story can relate to yours in some ways. I used herion long before I needed opiates for pain relief but once I did they did nothing to really take away the pain.. I lived a long time using to cover up the pain I was enduring... and the fact I was an opiate addict before I ever needed pain management really hurt me with the relief I experienced. I continued my herion abuse as a former of pain control... and came up with many reasons why I needed it and why I couldn't go without... it was hard... but i can tell you at least for me the pain was drastically reduced by the complete stopping of all opiates. It was hard and took a long time but was definitely for the best... it took many attempts to get off for long periods... but once I did and my body returned to its balanced equilibrium state it was amazing the difference. It takes work but can really pay off..

I also used methadone to accomplish this during my major pain problem and that helped alot... it helps with the pain and allows you to learn how to live not using all the time... but i made sure to make it a small stay on methodone... ivwhat also used subs to great sucess... ive have had problems and my recovery has not been a one stop shop and has taken some trys and I'm far from perfect ...
 
Well good luck to you and hope all works out..

I know I touched on this before but maybe I can share my experience a little better. When I was needing pain control and was in pain management it did help for some time. I thought I couldnt live without it and i had no desire to stop using.
I told myself ì couldn't live without it for a whole host of reasons. Eventually I reached a point where I was back to where I started before. Bad pain but now was taking something for it that didn't really help.. when I didn't have it, it was even worse.

Well when I finally decided to quit I could see the improvements after my body leveled back out. The problem when taking herion (or even pain meds to a lesser extent but still happens) is that when your putting a chemical into your body all the time your body stops producing certain chemicals and endorphins.
This is why you get the impression the drug is helping a whole host of problems, because it kinda is, but is only helping them because it caused them. So when I didn't have that chemical it is so much worse. So you and your body never know your true "actual" pain level. When you quit your body had to start producing all of them itself again. This was not instant when I quit it took many months to have your body do all these things on its own with kinda normal and longer to fully be back... so don't get discouraged, you will get there if you want to...

Basically what I'm trying to say is don't let you fear of pain dictate your life choices in quitting or not quitting for what ever reason. And you may just be surprised at what your body can do on its own when not being artificially supplemented with something which causes problems in itself. So it's not guaranteed that you will be in more pain, and I can most certainly guarantee you that what you feel and the pain during the withdrawal periods is not how you will feel once your body levels back out....
 
Yea just like I talked about pain preception being affected, you mind and mood are in that same boat... the boat that drifted away and now needs to be reeled back in fully to have a "normal" brain chemistry. And that boat is a ways off shore so it takes some time.... but the things you mentioned involving mood will get better with time also...

Sounds cool with your brother, I hear psychedelic experiences can help with the recovery process and I'm pretty sure it's even been said help with withdrawal.... maybe something to read up on to better understand... I don't see any reason (I don't know the story and that's a decision you have to make for yourself, not anyone else) why you can't ride that cloud into the sky of diamonds
 
Be careful combining such high doses of clonazepam and baclofen. My experience combining high doses of baclofen with even just a small amount of alcohol was pretty disastrous.

Have you tried anything like ketamine, MXE or DXM to help with opioid cravings?
 
Thanks for the suggestion toothpaste dawg. I have never tried those drugs before. Would you recommend them? I have sniffed a little K and liked it, but only had about 1 point of it and that was back when my habit wasn't so bad, but I remember I didn't use opiates until it was out. I have heard of them being used to reduce tolerance, but never for cravings. What about the desire to quit though? I don't know if it is just cravings. I can't handle life without opiates and I can't find any sort of solution to that feeling that I need heroin to feel normal.

Ketamine infusions for chronic pain were mentioned just a page back I think... I was thinking of getting some street K. I also have access to pure dxm powder, and MXE seems to have all but disappeared which totally sucks because it is the one I was most interested in...

I know, once I was in full blown withdrawal and I woke up 10 hours later feeling totally out of it and i was even scared to dose my heroin when I got it as my breathing was so shallow. This time, I'm good. I already woke up as I "only" took 10mg kpin and that other time it was 30mg.

I am just finding it hard to have the strength to quit heroin when this is the type of behaviour I exhibit, even months down the road. I was 3 months into recovery and I threw in the towel very quickly when I started popping 20 or 30mg of raw alprazolam power at a time, to try and control panic and anxiety that was uncontrollable even with benzos. I seem to become immune to benzos in withdrawal, and then when I take my first opioid dose I go right to sleep. It's just hard to be careful when I'm struggling so much that I'm looking at that light fixture wondering if it could hold my weight...

I gave up on the subs. I waited 18 hours and just took 3 percocet so hopefully at least I find some sort of solace. Normally I wouldn't really feel 15mg oxy except ever so slightly but it has been days of fucking hell. I really enjoyed sniffing the 2mg sub last night but I want to get proper ripped tomorrow.

I just feel like I could really harm myself one way or another with this lifestyle... it worries me. I need heroin all the time and I wish it was legal. However doctors are able to prescribe it in my country now, and are getting more access to do so, which to me just makes the most sense. I am a hopeless case as I just don't have the desire to ever stop and if I try, I freak out and abuse sedatives like take 30mg xanax and that just is not acceptable in my books.
 
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I know everyones worried about me cause i was gonna take my life..i was doing really bad last week ..i still am .just not as bad ...i relapsed over drama at my pad with my mom and brother so now im currently homeless and back in skid row (meanest part in Downtown LA) anyways i turned 24 last week and i didnt do shit and i didnt tell anyone except for some black guy from Baltimore bought me a pack of Newports (ive know him since being in the shelter from last year..really nice guy )...anyways its OFFICIALLY 1ST OF THE MONTH TODAY WHICH MEANS Payday :) this is my only source of income (besides stealing)on the first of the month...its $220 And i use that for Black (BlackTarHeroin ..thats all we get in California but shits amazing ..ive got two guys from Philly who say its nothing compared to the H back east) ..oh yeah soooooooo im trying to reply to people but i cant send multiple messages .. ANYWAYS that 220 cash should hold me down from today Thursday until about Sunday ...im gonna buy a gram at 6 am in about 2 hours ...also im getting really skinny again smh i chase the high so much i forget to eat ..i catch about 1 meal at the shelter ..i dont do uppers i hate meth and cavi(crack)...i talked to my kids mom and she said once i learn to love my son we will get back together. ...which is nearly impossible she lives out in LA county which is about a 45 minute drive and even if she came to me i wouldnt know where to go im pretty much banned from her house...im a pretty handsome guy (not tryna toot my own horn)but i can get plenty of girls but its her i want...my high school sweetheart...she has no idea i relapsed. Everyone was so proud of me and now i never felt so low.. ive been on Heroin since Oct 31st 2015 when i was drunk and a fake ass friend kept insisting i try it.i did.and i loved it. I started slamming about 2 months ago (I CAN BARELY HIT MYSELF SMH) and i have great veins i always have my friends hit me..anyways they wake us up over here at 6 ..the food here is really good believe it or not..actually the food is amazing...im thinking of calling my mom and asking her if i can go back home...my family loves me very much and they know im pretty new to heroin but now that im slamming $20 bags im so in Love with it...i used to slam $5 so i wouldnt overdose but now i hope i die believe it or not...im just lieing in my bunk bed with aboout 50 other sleeping men lol i got exactly 2 hours to go until i can go withdrawl the money from Ralphs..im just grateful i dont have to go steal shit and then take it to my buyers...i will have the next 3 days off ....oh ive been reading this book called WASTED by Mark Johson its an amazing book about H,Crack,and booze...its similar to Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis which is actually my favorite book...anyways i went to bed at 10 woke up around 230 and was just on my new phone on the internet wondering what website to go on when i remembered Bluelight lol im gonna try and sleep .sorry if this post buggs anyone i know it has nothing to do with WDs but i just cant reply to all the messages BL is making me wait 1 hour fucking assholes lol ..hoping your all doing good ..Goodnight everyone ill check in tonight because they have wifi here ..stay up.
 
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Good luck man. I have 4 hours until I get my fix. It has been such a hassle this time and I've been sick for 4 fucking days. I am 29 and not new to heroin. I am just starting to shoot it because I can't be going through all this bullshit to get my fix not to get the most out of it. I use afghan #4 though, I've never tried tar. I am handsome as well and I am very big for an addict, since when I'm using I eat healthy and do a lot of yoga (but in withdrawal I don't eat and quickly get skinny and lose weight) but I'm too socially stupid to get with women. I have had two girlfriends in all my life. Constant rejection is one of the primary reasons if not why the primary reason that I got into drugs in the first place. I can't handle the loneliness so I just get high. I am an engineer and good looking you think it would be easier but nah, I just get my fix and shit doesn't bother me no more. Good luck with everything.
 
Shroomy your fantasy about shooting is a horrible idea. Your justifications are wrong. Just stop.
 
That's the herion talking to you, trust me I know... it makes you think irrationally and have no concern for the future or anything for that matter. You care about one thing and nothing else....

I hope you can find someone to talk to about this and get the support you oviously need... these are scary thoughts that alot of addits have to varying degrees
 
losangeles1993 said:
I know everyones worried about me cause i was gonna take my life..i was doing really bad last week ..i still am .just not as bad ...i relapsed over drama at my pad with my mom and brother so now im currently homeless and back in skid row (meanest part in Downtown LA) anyways i turned 24 last week and i didnt do shit and i didnt tell anyone except for some black guy from Baltimore bought me a pack of Newports (ive know him since being in the shelter from last year..really nice guy )...anyways its OFFICIALLY 1ST OF THE MONTH TODAY WHICH MEANS Payday :) this is my only source of income (besides stealing)on the first of the month...its $220 And i use that for Black (BlackTarHeroin ..thats all we get in California but shits amazing ..ive got two guys from Philly who say its nothing compared to the H back east) ..oh yeah soooooooo im trying to reply to people but i cant send multiple messages .. ANYWAYS that 220 cash should hold me down from today Thursday until about Sunday ...im gonna buy a gram at 6 am in about 2 hours ...also im getting really skinny again smh i chase the high so much i forget to eat ..i catch about 1 meal at the shelter ..i dont do uppers i hate meth and cavi(crack)...i talked to my kids mom and she said once i learn to love my son we will get back together. ...which is nearly impossible she lives out in LA county which is about a 45 minute drive and even if she came to me i wouldnt know where to go im pretty much banned from her house...im a pretty handsome guy (not tryna toot my own horn)but i can get plenty of girls but its her i want...my high school sweetheart...she has no idea i relapsed. Everyone was so proud of me and now i never felt so low.. ive been on Heroin since Oct 31st 2015 when i was drunk and a fake ass friend kept insisting i try it.i did.and i loved it. I started slamming about 2 months ago (I CAN BARELY HIT MYSELF SMH) and i have great veins i always have my friends hit me..anyways they wake us up over here at 6 ..the food here is really good believe it or not..actually the food is amazing...im thinking of calling my mom and asking her if i can go back home...my family loves me very much and they know im pretty new to heroin but now that im slamming $20 bags im so in Love with it...i used to slam $5 so i wouldnt overdose but now i hope i die believe it or not...im just lieing in my bunk bed with aboout 50 other sleeping men lol i got exactly 2 hours to go until i can go withdrawl the money from Ralphs..im just grateful i dont have to go steal shit and then take it to my buyers...i will have the next 3 days off ....oh ive been reading this book called WASTED by Mark Johson its an amazing book about H,Crack,and booze...its similar to Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis which is actually my favorite book...anyways i went to bed at 10 woke up around 230 and was just on my new phone on the internet wondering what website to go on when i remembered Bluelight lol im gonna try and sleep .sorry if this post buggs anyone i know it has nothing to do with WDs but i just cant reply to all the messages BL is making me wait 1 hour fucking assholes lol ..hoping your all doing good ..Goodnight everyone ill check in tonight because they have wifi here ..stay up.
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What??? Sorry if this post bugs anyone??? No, of course not, darling!!! I'm so happy to hear from you and I know I'm not the only one. Thank you for checking in. I've been worried. I sent you a PM. I haven't checked your profile but if you are greenlighter status (you reach blue light status at I *think* 50 posts) that may be why you are having to pause with the private messages.

Once you reach fifty posts, I think it is, that will be lifted.

If that's not the case then I'm not sure.

Keep posting love. And check your pm's.

You are going to be ok. You have what It takes. We can do this together., ok? Sending you lots of love and strength, and clarity, xoxox

Edit. Just checked your profile, and yes, that's what it is. You've made 26 posts. I think it's 50. I can find out, one second....brb....

Edit2. Ok, it's 50 or 60 posts. I read back through an old thread of mine where I became a blue lighter.
 
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Oy my God..... Fucking RIDICULOUS..... forgive me guys, I'm about to duo done serious whining which I do try ty keep minimal since negativity doesn't help anything but seriously.....?

So this weekend is to be my final kick, as I'm so fed up that I'm sick of this crap more than I fear wd, or the post wd period, and I know there's no other way out of this abusive marriage for me. I want out waaay more than I care about pain control at this point. I can worry about that later IF I need to. The brief time off h, my mind was sharp and clear and my fear began to quickly fade and be replaced by a strong determination to do what it takes to get the hell away from this jackass I married in the biggest mistake ever. I'm impatient to get away and excited at the prospect that I'm capable, if nervous, but that I CAN do this

So many husband just informed me, he's offall of next fucking week. That means nine days straight of just drunken bullshit, mood swings, abuse, etc. Are you KIDDING ME. I swear to God every time I have something especially hard to go through, some shit like this just happens. Is it really to fucking much to just get a FEW DAYS TO DEAL WITH MY SHIT, without the additional stress, abuse, etc? That's not all, of course family members are having crisis and there I am to lean on. Thing is, that's fine. I don't actually mind. But I know I need to get my life in order in order to be effective at being there for others. I really need a couple of weeks but my God, can I just have a few fucking days???? Unreal.

I hate to be negative but it's always something, and always something, huge. I try to be patient, strong, etc. But really, can I just get a fucking break from being abused, and from others dumping their crisis on me for a few measly days?

Sigh. I'm so pissed off right now. I am a positive person despite the never-ending stream of shit thrown my way. But can't it just pause for a SECOND??? Ugh
Forgive me. Rant over.
 
sod's law init.
sorry to hear about your situation, hope you manage to catch a break sometime soon. <3
 
^thank you baby! Much appreciated :) I'll survive. Just so sick of it. How are you? Xo
 
ABetterWay said:
^thank you baby! Much appreciated :) I'll survive. Just so sick of it. How are you? Xo
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i have every confidence that you'll not only get through this, but you'll come out of it stronger.
i'm okay, started using again but not dependent yet, spacing my uses out so it's about twice a week but ive got some debts looming so i'm going to need to stop soon :(
but i'm sure its for the best!
 
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