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Recovery Getting to know me again

MaCherie said:
I was using 6-10, mostly 7 recently, a day 10/325 mg Norcos. I could’ve easily done more but didn’t want to overdo it on the Tylenol lol. Today is the first day without any. It’s usually easier than the 2nd day for me. I slept really well last night, so hoping tonite isn’t so bad. It’s always like day 3-5 that is either get more or tough it out. I don’t want more. I don’t want to be controlled. I woke up at 5am and am still in bed. Think I’ll get up and see what the day holds. I don’t really have anything to do today. I have to take my son into town later, but otherwise, nothing. I hate feeling this way. Like I can’t do anything without having Norco in my system, like nothing is enjoyable without it. I remember when it was. Ugh.
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Also, I started when I was 34-35 and am 42 now.
 
MaCherie said:
Also, I started when I was 34-35 and am 42 now.
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Yea I would definitely avoid the methadone route, a lot of people seem to do better with cold turkey but for me a taper worked. I knew I was done with the shit before I started the taper though so I wasnt really tempted to cave in and use a ton ever, just kept slowly reducing every 2-3 weeks or so, occasionally making a bigger jump when I felt good about it. If you think the taper route might work for you Id say with those dosages you could probably do it somewhat comfortably within 3-6months, its not easy but it gives you time to adjust mentally and start introducing healthy things into your life which might feel impossible when you first cold turkey. I also found the fact that I was eventually able to feel okay at new lower doses gave me some feeling of accomplishment even though I was still on opiates.
 
Branggen said:
Yea I would definitely avoid the methadone route, a lot of people seem to do better with cold turkey but for me a taper worked. I knew I was done with the shit before I started the taper though so I wasnt really tempted to cave in and use a ton ever, just kept slowly reducing every 2-3 weeks or so, occasionally making a bigger jump when I felt good about it. If you think the taper route might work for you Id say with those dosages you could probably do it somewhat comfortably within 3-6months, its not easy but it gives you time to adjust mentally and start introducing healthy things into your life which might feel impossible when you first cold turkey. I also found the fact that I was eventually able to feel okay at new lower doses gave me some feeling of accomplishment even though I was still on opiates.
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I honestly would not be able to do a controlled taper unless I was in inpatient therapy. I told my doctor in August I just wanted to be done. I got one last prescription and haven’t seen her since. She doesn’t know the extent of my use though. Plus in August, I came clean with my kid and my Mother about me having a problem. And I haven’t said anything to them about me actually not quitting then. So there is this element of secrecy and hiding that makes me feel like a child, a liar, a fraud. So I have to suffer through this alone now. The longer I let it go on, the worse it will be and the worse I will feel. Ugh. Shameful. I do have support available through a program at work, but I don’t know if I would want to go that route. I may. Depends on how this next few days go and how I’m feeling. Of course I’m all over the place right now, emotional roller coaster.
 
Day 2. It has not been as bad as I expected. I’ve been taking Tylenol ER 2x a day, vitamin B12, Immodium and an allergy pill. I slept 10 hours last night, which was good. First day back to work tomorrow. I’m just going to hang in there and take things day by day. I need to keep in mind the reasons behind why I am stopping. Long road, but I just need to take baby steps.
 
glad you have been able to get some sleep. hope work went ok. get as much irl help as you can to help you with the psychological aspects of recovery, which are by far the most important.
 
chinup said:
glad you have been able to get some sleep. hope work went ok. get as much irl help as you can to help you with the psychological aspects of recovery, which are by far the most important.
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Thank you. It’s been an absolutely exhausting past 2 days at work. Last night I didn’t sleep well and didn’t even check in here. I’m getting ready for bed now and was just going to update. I appreciate the advice, I know how much I need real life support.
 
Haven’t slept too well since Sunday night. Past 2 days at work have been non stop. I’ve taken on more duties due to some company wide layoffs and I’m spread thin. It’s a nice distraction, but I don’t want to work myself to death to not think about anything else. Been there, done that. Needless to say, I’m exhausted and hope to get some rest. I get up early so I’m already pushing it. Will check in tomorrow. xx
 
Trying to have a positive mindset and be a little bit more forgiving with myself. Feeling all kinds of things right now. Better to probably leave it at that for now and come back tomorrow.
 
how are you getting on? any luck with sleeping?

an emotional rollercoaster is expected at this point, your brain has barely had time to start healing. for the first 3 months of my recovery i was intensely emotionally unstable. i'm still not exactly stable 2 years on (probably part of why i used in the first place is cos i find my emotions hard to cope with). you will notice over time that the negative emotions take less of your time, and some really positive ones will start showing their face.
 
Well, I already screwed up. I got a few Norcos. I feel like such a piece of shit. Like I don’t even have the guts to stop for a week without wanting to get some. I keep telling myself no and then talk myself into it. Fuck. I’m so upset with myself and know that this is going to be so difficult. I only have a couple for tomorrow, but still. So upsetting. I honestly feel like this is really going to have to be a battle and no amount of being upset with myself or crying or feeling bad will change it. Idk. No more words.
 
chinup said:
how are you getting on? any luck with sleeping?

an emotional rollercoaster is expected at this point, your brain has barely had time to start healing. for the first 3 months of my recovery i was intensely emotionally unstable. i'm still not exactly stable 2 years on (probably part of why i used in the first place is cos i find my emotions hard to cope with). you will notice over time that the negative emotions take less of your time, and some really positive ones will start showing their face.
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Didn’t get on very well. Sleeping still has been hit or miss and I was in a weak moment and got a few today. Feeling pretty shitty about it too. About to go to bed. Just upset with myself and don’t know what to do. Thank you for asking :/
 
don't beat yourself up. its not productive. addicts use, its not something to judge yourself about. it doesn't mean you're doomed to failure or a bad person or anything. just don't let your brain use this as an excuse to give up. you've done amazingly well to start off on yourself and get through this far.

i don't know what the half life of norcos are like and thus where you were in your withdrawals, but if its any consolation i could never get through a smack rattle on my own. i would get to day 3 all the time then break. its fucking difficult. that's why its really important to get real life support. in the end i had to go to rehab, hopefully you won't need that, but do search out what help is available in your area and take it!!
 
chinup said:
don't beat yourself up. its not productive. addicts use, its not something to judge yourself about. it doesn't mean you're doomed to failure or a bad person or anything. just don't let your brain use this as an excuse to give up. you've done amazingly well to start off on yourself and get through this far.

i don't know what the half life of norcos are like and thus where you were in your withdrawals, but if its any consolation i could never get through a smack rattle on my own. i would get to day 3 all the time then break. its fucking difficult. that's why its really important to get real life support. in the end i had to go to rehab, hopefully you won't need that, but do search out what help is available in your area and take it!!
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Thank you. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, my sick mind, and a sense of dread last night. I was so upset. Woke up today feeling weird but ok. I wake up at an ungodly hour. 415am. I had an eye appointment today as well, and I actually had a panic attack when the doctor was looking at my eyes. I haven’t had one in a long time I haven’t had one come out of nowhere and even longer. I had to breathe very deeply to get through that appointment and when I was done I ended up rescheduling picking out my frames because I couldn’t stay there another minute. I’m still feeling shaky from that and that was over an hour ago. Just going to try again and look into all the resources I have available. I just found out that there is a program that I pay for through work that would be completely anonymous but I need to look into the details. I do need Irl support. Thanks again for your kind words. I appreciate it.
 
uegh yeah 4.15 is not a good time to wake up! do you have any sleeping pills or benzos to get you through the insomnia that accompanies initial withdrawal? you have to be careful cos they are well addictive, but they're a godsend in those first few days.

give yourself a pat on the back for even making the eye test!!! you got through, well done. and well done for having the courage to put your needs first and reschedule the frame picking out. you have to look after yourself and put yourself first, and i know how difficult even simple tasks are early on, so focus on the fact that you did it. plus hopefully you can now get excited about choosing some cool new frames instead of just picking quickly so you can get the fuck out of there!!!

i had to have an eye test in rehab cos my vision was blurry, i'd always put it down to my pupils being dilated due to opiates but when it didn't go away when i got clean it turned out i needed glasses. having the right glasses has really improved my quality of life, less headaches and tiredness.

ace about the probram!!! check it out. and even if the first session seems shit, go back a few times. get in touch with people who have been through what you have. it is invaluable. you can do this if you prioritise yourself and take the advice of people who have got clean from opiates. i found that difficult cos i hated being told what to do, but i realised i was completely incapable of getting off opiates myself so reluctantly accepted help.
 
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