Recovery Getting to know me again

[MaCherie]

Although only day 1 of my journey, it has been in the making for some time. I have recognized for awhile that I had an issue with opiates. What started as a legitimate prescription in 2013 for 10/325 hydrocodone, quickly escalated and became purely recreational after 2 months. I thought because I only allowed myself 6-10 a day, I was controlling it. Ha! What a damn lie.

I decided in February this year to quit, CTd and was cool for about 2 weeks. Then had the opportunity again and dove right in, headfirst. Spending a ridiculous amount of money. It consumed me these last few months. I was handed 2 different bottles of opiates on the same day- much stronger than the hydros. I substituted when I ran out of hydros and ran my tolerance through the roof. I guess I kind of gave up when I got 60 hydros and they were gone in 5 days. Like wtf? I realized I wouldn't stop. I just knew.

So, I decided to taper down to just 1 a day for a week and then be done. I've taken the very basic dose- 2 tablets of loperamide, to help with withdrawals, and have found it to be extremely effective. My system is pretty sensitive to all other drugs, go figure, and I am glad that only 4-6 mgs has helped. I read "The Loperamide Diaries" as my day has progressed, and that was very interesting indeed.

Physically, I am a bit lethargic, but ran around this morning no prob. I've not eaten really but a handful of Chex mix, even though I've been puffing my vape pen since I woke up. I'll probably get hungry later, but just keeping it pretty basic as far as food goes. Emotionally, I'm doing ok. I was a little teary this morning, some memories hit me like a ton of bricks, but otherwise, pretty good!

My plan is to keep burning my herb, take the loperamide until Monday or Tuesday and hope for the best. Nervous for the emotional aspect of this first few months...I've been medicated for the past few years. WDs are a roadblock-temporary and inconvenient. I look forward to what I learn about myself on this new journey

 

[Jabberwocky]

You are a warrior MaCherie, indeed you are. Please try and find something tasty to munch on today. Staying well nourished during withdrawal will speed up your recovery time and help you regulate your mood.

Now, if the cannabis is helpful (I assume you're referring to cannabis when you mentioned the vape pen, not sure why, so correct me if I'm wrong) there is nothing wrong with using that. When I use cannabis, particularly early in the day, I get even more lazy and lethargic than normal. It's pretty easy to get like this during opioid withdrawal too, so perhaps try and get a little activity in the mornings before blazing (or blazing and then forcing yourself to go on a walk or get a little exercise of any kind).

But more importantly, find something appetizing to eat. Smoothies are a classic in opioid withdrawal

 

[MaCherie]

I appreciate your kind words TPD. You are spot on, vape pen is cannabis. It's been such a part of my daily life for so long that I function quite well. I did have a nice salad since my post and some almonds, and that definitely helped. I tend to forget about food when I am feeling this way, but will make the conscious decisions to make healthier choices than Chex lol. Figured it was better than nothing at that point. Smoothie stuff is on my grocery list �� Plan on watching a movie and chillin the rest of the evening. Today has been better than expected and for that, I am grateful.

ps..thank you fixing my formatting. I'll have to get that figured out

 

[Jabberwocky]

You can wrap the text in these bb code tags, [size=3]textextextextextext[/size], to increase the font a point when you use that font. Or you can just keep the font normal and not mess with the side (the font you used is a bit smaller, hence increasing the size to make it a bit more legible). That not super important though, I'm just a little OCD it seems

I find that "pampering" yourself with a nice relaxing bath, shower, trip to a sauna, bath house or steam room to be suuuuuuuper therapeutic during acute withdrawal as well. If you feel in the mood later, or are noticing your becoming restless, definitely give that a try.

Tiger Balm also is really nice after a hot bath or shower when applied to the muscles an joints before bed (great way to help manage RLS/insomnia).

You're got an amazing attitude. You're clearly interested in what you are doing right now, what the process of withdrawal and early recovery are like, and you're also clearly pretty bright and invested in this. I think you will be just fine, it's just a matter of doing the little things to help make it easier to take care of yourself while you continue giving your body the time it needs to heal. It's a journey for sure, but having a good attitude makes for a totally different quality to the experience. Less suffering I mean.

 

[MaCherie]

Ok- going the default route. You'll have to let me know if it works. I'm posting from my phone. I need to get my laptop in here! I have found having a bad attitude does nothing to help my cause. Not saying my attitude is going to be like this daily, but today it is. The real test is going to be time. I don't want to get comfortable and then think-oh, I can take 1-2 at work. Hell no. Because I know myself and that will turn into another round. I do not want to do this again. It sucks.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It worked

Like I said, you have a good head on your shoulder.

 

[MaCherie]

Funny how we can have a good head on and still make stupid mistakes.

A little pampering also sounds amazing. I have an awesome muscle rub that I will use after a nice hot steamy shower. That always helps ease the body soreness. Good ideas TPD.

 

[MaCherie]

It's only about 9pm here, but I am tired. I had to wake up early today, not because I wanted to, and I usually sleep in Saturday's. I suppose getting to bed at a decent hour when I have stuff to get done tomorrow isn't a bad idea. I hope I don't have any issues sleeping. I would say today has been a successful first day opiate free. I ended up taking an additional 2 loperamide at about 545pm because I was starting to feel kinda funky, it helped.

I'm going to see how tomorrow goes before I decide on work for Monday. Might be getting ahead of myself but need to be realistic. Also going to try and have a snack as when I am WD I tend to not want to eat.

Goodnight! Until tomorrow

 

[MaCherie]

Good morning, Happy Mother's Day :D got to sleep in today, which was nice. My neck and back are sore, I tossed and turned all night. Have some errands to run in awhile, but that's about it for today.

So I think using my cannabis vape and 2-3 lopes twice a day helped yesterday. I woke up this morning and took my dose, plus some excederin and now to try and eat some breakfast. My kids have been banging around in the kitchen for awhile and I smell bacon. Lol.

 

[Pucman]

I never thought I would become addicted to PKs so fast. But four years later her I am. Best of luck, I know you got this. Positive attitude and time should bring you through this. Good luck.

 

[MaCherie]

Puc, thank you I am hoping that as well. Encouraging words are so helpful.

Best of luck to you, idk your current situation but if you ever need some words, I'm here.

 

[MaCherie]

Well, today was a bit tougher than yesterday. My energy levels sucked. I did go and do grocery shopping and errands, but since I've gotten home just binged on GoT. I'm supposed to work tomorrow. I think I will call in just to give myself that 3rd day of rest. I don't have the luxury at work to stay at my desk and bs through it. Fuck. I hate calling in, this will be my 2nd time in a year. Last time was for this reason as well. Actually, last time I went in and they sent me home because I was pale AF and could barely stand upright. Fml.

Just to to keep track- 2 doses of loperamide today, which surprisingly has not constipated me. Puffs throughout the day of the vape. Plus 50mg of edible cannabis before bed. My neck and lower back are still pretty sore. I've eaten pretty well today. My kids made me breakfast and I made an easy dinner.

Until tomorrow

 

[MaCherie]

Update: I used to be a daily drinker. In my rougher times, my calorie consumption consisted mostly of alcohol. Since moving North, I have basically become abstinent. My first few months here I continued my alcohol abuse, then gradually just gave it up. I have drank socially since. Only getting shit faced a handful of times.

Well, i have alcohol in my house. It's not that deep, I just don't enjoy a 2-3 day hangover anymore. Or drinking to not get the hangover. Lol. Anyway, I drank some Gin that I have had around for a few months. I am definitely buzzed, I had about 4 healthy shots. Don't really know if it was a good idea or not, but I must admit I welcome the warm sensation in my stomach and the relaxation it has provided.

Lots going through my head, definitely want to send a few long overdue texts out...but will try to refrain. I have been celibate since August 2016, coming out of a 3 year relationship. I've been resolved to not reach out to old booty calls or "close friends". I have been so preoccupied with work and my children and life in general. I've always been the type to love love and take pride in being an awesome woman and partner. I was a young mother..17 having a child. I think now, I yearned for that family environment and the stability in my life that I so badly craved at the time. Fast forward 22 years..I'm a single mother, when I NEVER thought I would be. No significant other, many failed attempts at a decent relationship since my ex of 15 years. Can't help but feel at times it's me. Why else would I be alone now?


Damn, Gin just brought that out. Fuckin A.

 

[MaCherie]

Trying to take advantage of another day off since I called in today. Woke up and felt ok, decided to wait on the vaping until I have some of the chores I need to get done, done.

I am am feeling anxious about going back to work. Since I've started, there have been maybe a weeks worth of time since I have not been on any opiates in the year I have been there. It's fast paced, and with my energy levels being so low, I know I'm going to be completely zombie like after this week. Hopefully it's not as bad as I think it will be. Not being there today makes for catch up tomorrow.

I will I'll update later. Have a lot on my mind and just want to distract myself for awhile.

 

[MaCherie]

At work today. Yesterday was ok, found myself a little emotional though...well, more so than usual. Had a lot on my mind. I cleaned my house, made a bomb ass peanut butter chocolate chip banana bread and a great dinner for the kids. Getting easier day to day but I know this is just the beginning. I honestly am so grateful that my WD weren't as terrible as the first time. Makes going to work easier not feeling like death. Lol.

Well, I will update later after I get home.

 

[simco]

Hey, MaCherie...I've been away from BL for a week so am catching up. Just read your thread so far. It sounds like you're doing great. Like TPD said, you've clearly got a good attitude, which is huge for a project like quitting opioids.

FWIW, my own advice would be to avoid booze, at least for a while, or at least as much as possible. Trading an opioid habit for a problem with alchohol is all too easy to do. The weed you're vaping is much less likely to become problematic. But all of these issues--the risks of booze and the relatively benign profile of weed for people kicking an opioid habit--are generalities...each person is totally unique.

Anhow, awesome work so far. I'll keep my eyes peeled for updates on your thread.

Sim

 

[MaCherie]

Thanks Simco, I appreciate your advice for sure. The alcohol was that one night, and I don't plan on doing it again. I definitely do not want to trade one for another. I read a thread about someone who traded one for another and it was bad news. Not even trying to go down that road.

I am definitely trying to see the big picture here, and staying as positive as I possibly can helps me with that. I know everyday won't be a breeze, but in time it will get easier.

Hope you have a great day! Thanks for looking at my journal as well.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Funny how we can have a good head on and still make stupid mistakes.

The only truly stupid mistake is the one that doesn't happen. There are silly mistakes perhaps, but it's like with asking questions: The only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask. Not taking unnecessary risk is probably a smart thing to do, but not allowing one's self to take any at all is foolhardy (or as you said, stupid).

Anyways, I'm glad to hear you're doing well MaCherie. Something that may be worth pointing out is that you can always enjoy an alcoholic beverage down the road if you so choose to at a later date. Right now it will be a lot easier on your body, and probably more enjoyable, to hold off as things continue to heal and stabilize.

Now, I've never been a big drinker or had what anyone could refer to as a drinking problem, but I enjoy a few drinks now and then. I probably have been drinking 4 beers a week on average for the past month or two (I hadn't drank anything on a regular basis prior to that in a long time as I preferred opioids to alcohol).

It's not like you won't be able to drink ever again period. If you decide it is something you're interested in doing down the road, you can experiment with responsible, wise consumption and learning to practice moderation. But for the time being, you're infinitely better off sticking to cannabis and letting your mind-body continue to heal.

Keep up the great work! It's great how you're updating your journal so diligently. A pleasure to see it unfolding. I have a good feeling about your chances for success in these efforts you're making OP!

 

[MaCherie]

TPD, I am definitely going to take the advice both you and simco gave me and not drink for awhile.

Today was my first day back to work. It wasn't bad. Apart from a little anxiety initially due to work stuff and not WD, the day went well. I had a lot of paperwork and emails to catch up on, so I was busy all day. I was proud of myself for getting through it. When I was driving home, listening to some Tupac of all things lol, I got a 2nd wind. An actual natural rush that I haven't felt in so long. It made me a little emotional and happy and relived all in the same few minutes. Then I got home and had a long phone convo with my sister, (she recently stopped all pain meds) and we talked about how I was feeling, how she feels even after being clean for almost 3 months. It was nice to be open and not feel like I had to be ashamed or hide my issues. I am thankful for that kind of support in my life.

I reduced the loperamide today, taking 2 pills twice, instead of 3. Tomorrow I will only take 1 pill twice. By Thursday I think I should be fine. It has definitely helped me, so glad I found multiple threads on it. Appetite wasn't very good, but I did eat some fruit and crackers and nuts, so I wasn't lightheaded or anything. I need to remember to that it is hard work kicking this (thank you TPD ) cannabis use was reserved for after work. Which was extremely welcome and a nice way for me to wind down.

Well, tomorrow is another day. Pushing through, not forgetting why I'm doing this in the first place. For me, for once.

 

[MaCherie]

Today has been a long one. I'm exhausted, my body is sore. Ugh. Finally laying down and it feels amazing. I found myself less enthused today than I have been in general...my body is still working hard for me. (thank goodness) I can't believe it's already been 5 days. I need to just take it easy on myself, I'm sooooo fresh still.

I have to take into account all of the day to day duties besides work that must be done. I'm a mother, that in itself is a full time job. So pulling double duty isn't new to me, but has been a fact of life for some time.

I'm going to start rambling so I will call it here.