Recovery Getting to know me again

[Jabberwocky]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Family members who don't understand what we are going through can feel cruel (and sometimes indeed is), regardless of whether it's coming from a place of love or not. Good intentions and all...

Anyways, please try not to beat yourself up about this. I totally understand the feeling of failure or screwing up, but it's really not like you're starting over at zero. For one thing, you have all the time and lessons learned up until, and they will continue to help you moving forward. Armed with the progress you've already made, there is absolutely no reason at all for you to not keep moving forward successfully. It's all about finding the kind of success that is genuinely important to us, and then getting good at taking small, consistent steps in the service of accomplishing our goals.

Keep your head up. At least you won't have to deal with going through acute withdrawal! Doing anything for fun these days? The first day of sobriety derives some kind of reward IMHO

 

[Stormy421]

I guess I set myself up. I read in a thread about how having that monthly or bi monthly doctor appointment sets you up to relapse. It did. No matter how positive you may seem, or how together you think you have it.

I got a prescription filled, I took 4 out of it and gave the rest to my mother. Well, I used 3 one day and took 1 the next. I didn't want to update my journal, I didn't want to admit that I fucked up. But I did. Can't take it back, just have to start over.

My mother said something to me this morning. She said- "I don't want to be a part of your viscious cycle, it's ugly. I almost feel like you're holding me hostage..." that upset me. I definitely don't want her feeling like that. I'm glad she said it though.

So, back to day 1. :/

I've been reading your journal and can honestly say, you are a strong person! Have you tried to sit down with your mom and tell her of your habit, the progress you made, and that you need her support? Sometimes, family and friends think it's so easy to "just stop it!" If only it was..... I'm being forced to stop Norco 10mg 4x a day CT and it sucks!!! I have been using Lope and my prescription Gabapentin to help and so far it has.
Don't be so hard on yourself, please? Everyone makes mistakes. Without them we can't learn.
Please keep posting. You have so much support here and we are all cheering you on!!

Xox Stormy?

 

[MaCherie]

Thank you for the words TPD, I have been trying not to beat myself up about it. Work is a definite distraction. I took your advice and just looked at what I had accomplished in the weeks prior. 2 days of a slip doesn't eliminate all of the progress I have made. I am heading out of town with my children this weekend, so I am looking forward to that.

Stormy, thank you! My mother knows the struggles I have been through. I've told her both times I have quit. She was being honest with me about how she felt and I cannot discount it. I tend to be hard on myself, I went back and forth with if I was going to even document it in my journal. I know that this road I'm on is not going to be easy, it will be difficult and at times road blocks will come up. I just have to focus on getting through it and not beat myself up if I slip up.

In other news..

The anti-inflammatory that I stopped taking has me feeling things in my body that I haven't for a few months. I have plantar fasciitis in my left foot and it has really been bothering me this week. My neck as well. I am still using cannabis daily and my cannabis rub. Ice helps too.

 

[MaCherie]

My last post was over a year ago.

In this past year I have put myself through the vicious cycle of getting through my monthly prescription in roughly 7 days, and thats being generous, buying more. Spending money I cant afford to be spending, feeling awful about it. Detoxing for half the month because I cant get anything. Then doing it all over again. Ugh. Its terrible. I set myself up and I saw it coming from a mile away.

Im too conflicted now about my reasons for submitting to the mind numbing reality that are opiates, and why I allowed myself to get this far into something that takes over. In every way, with every thought and action. Ive been 6 days without any, and I am almost angry with myself for being such a weak minded person, especially when I have prided myself on being strong. I dont even want to do any. I dont know the person Ive become and quite frankly, Im over it. I dont even want to put myself through the ringer anymore.

So ya. I apologize in advance for any formatting issues or whateva xx

 

[SoCal424]

MaCherie- I'm glad you're back on BL and are trying again. I bet we've all tried to stop, then didn't quite make it at one point or another. The important part of that you don't give up on wanting to get clean.
You need to forgive yourself for the slip-ups and get into the mindset that what you did in the past is not what you have to do in the future. We all have weaknesses and strengths, and one of yours is a strong will to kick the opiates or you wouldn't keep trying.
Today is a good day to start over. Since you've been there before (WD), you know what to expect. Just try your best to be prepared as much as you can (your favorite music, days off, snacks, loperamide and warm blankets). All of us at BL will be rooting for you.

I wish you the best MaCherie .

"If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?"

Dale

 

[Jabberwocky]

My last post was over a year ago.

In this past year I have put myself through the vicious cycle of getting through my monthly prescription in roughly 7 days, and thats being generous, buying more. Spending money I cant afford to be spending, feeling awful about it. Detoxing for half the month because I cant get anything. Then doing it all over again. Ugh. Its terrible. I set myself up and I saw it coming from a mile away.

Im too conflicted now about my reasons for submitting to the mind numbing reality that are opiates, and why I allowed myself to get this far into something that takes over. In every way, with every thought and action. Ive been 6 days without any, and I am almost angry with myself for being such a weak minded person, especially when I have prided myself on being strong. I dont even want to do any. I dont know the person Ive become and quite frankly, Im over it. I dont even want to put myself through the ringer anymore.

So ya. I apologize in advance for any formatting issues or whateva xx

How is your self care going right now? I don't mean like working out or training for something, more like just taking care of your discomfort so it's not so unmanageable.

That included manicures, massages, gardens, whatever helps bring you sustainable joy. Stuff that helps move you more towards contentment. IME that's the major draw of opioids, the (sometimes false) sense of contentment they imbue.

The best things you can probably do for yourself at the moment is just focus on healing your body. And mind, but if I know anything about withdrawal the body tends to come first.

Try to keep your head up MaCherie. Good to see you around here regardless

 

[MaCherie]

SoCal, thank you. I work full time, so I do have that distraction. I know it will be awhile before I am feeling like myself, if I even know what that is anymore. Just going to keep on trucking.

TPD, hey man! The WD is ok, besides a little upset stomach and low energy, not too awful. Definitely trying to do things that make me happy and help fill my bucket. I know there will be more difficult days, but I?m just trying to get thru 1 day as it comes along. Glad to be back...although I?ve completely forgot how to use bb code now lol. xx

 

[MaCherie]

Checking in

So, I reached out to my connect last week, told her that I wouldnt be needing anything. She informed me that she would be getting some today. I told her I wouldnt need any. Woke up today knowing that it would be available. I dont want to hit her up...but I do. Im hoping she doesnt check in with me to see if I want some.

Havent had a thought about it and then instantaneously I did. Hopefully I make it through the day. I?m really going to try.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hiya companera

Try and do stuff to get out of your head and/or relaxing/enjoyable activities that don't involve said drugs.

Why not just delete/block your connect number?

I've had to do that enough precisely because I will drive myself crazy if I don't severe all ties. No shame in it. Actually it can feel like quite the nice release.

 

[MaCherie]

Hiya companera

Try and do stuff to get out of your head and/or relaxing/enjoyable activities that don't involve said drugs.

Why not just delete/block your connect number?

I've had to do that enough precisely because I will drive myself crazy if I don't severe all ties. No shame in it. Actually it can feel like quite the nice release.

TPD, how is your day going?

I feel like thats what I need to do...to not even be tempted! In fact, thats what I will do. Quite easy for me because I only know 1 person lol.

 

[Jabberwocky]

A significant part of my drug using strategy once I decided I wanted to limit my use/exposure was trying to only rely on one-time hookups and avoid cultivating a relationship. Has its ups and downsides.

Sounds like deleting/blocking their number is a good idea though. There is still a chance they'll try to reach out to you once they realize (if they do) that you've blocked their number, but you will be able to deal with that if and when it happens down the road.

My day... Weird. Life has been super weird recently (which is saying a lot for me).

Good weird, but disorienting. But good disorienting.

Really need to finishing something I'm working on. Gonna have lunch and do that, then begin finishing another project.

It's gonna be a productive summer at least in the sense of my being able to focus on what are quickly becoming professional passions.

Thanks for asking

How is the weather up there treating you right now? Down here it's been super drizzly and overcast. Not that I mind, I enjoy that weather. Just a little odd for this time of year.

 

[MaCherie]

Well, the weather has been nice. We had a few 90+ days, but today it’s only going to be about 70. It’s actually odd here too. It’s usually pretty hot by now on a regular basis. I can’t complain though because I don’t tolerate the heat well.

 

[Iceman1216]

hey girl hope you are OK
I too have fallen in to a NORCO hole that I thought was a lot shallower than it seems to be ?? ( I just keep digging is the problem ???)

 

[MaCherie]

My last post was over 2 years ago. Is it predictable that I’ve continued to put myself through the paces? Hmm. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said I was done, cried, detoxed myself. But I’m preparing to do it again, starting Saturday. I’ve tapered myself down a bit, but I can’t really taper. I just have to stop. I’m not looking forward to it but need to make it through the weekend and keep my resolve. The more I’ve read on addiction, withdrawal, etc, the more I know how serious this is and how it’s gotten progressively worse. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m tired. I’ve realized this has stemmed from the trauma in my late teenage years/early adult life and it’s almost debilitating. I’ve been through some really rough times before all this, so hopefully I can just stick with it and get through it. I need therapy, support, meetings- whatever at this point. Idc, I’ll do it. I hope to keep on this. Even if just to vent. xx

 

[Branggen]

Ive been clean now for what feels like almost a year after 6 years of the methadone/heroin game. What got me to stop was realizing I was nearing a point of no return, at age 22 having started at 16 or 17, how long has it been since you started? Im still fucked up and have tons of anxiety and some pretty intense emotions at times (often positive now but the negative ones can be real bad), Honestly for me Id rather feel the pain than nothing at all because I think life is beautiful in all its glory, you also cant have the good without the bad and opiates just get rid of all of it. Look within yourself and think about the things you want from life, for me I wanted to be in love again, to kiss a girl and feel all the feelings that come with that. I also believe that there is some type of intrinsic purpose to life that we cant fully grasp as humans but I think it has something to do with progress and change

 

[MaCherie]

Ive been clean now for what feels like almost a year after 6 years of the methadone/heroin game. What got me to stop was realizing I was nearing a point of no return, at age 22 having started at 16 or 17, how long has it been since you started? Im still fucked up and have tons of anxiety and some pretty intense emotions at times (often positive now but the negative ones can be real bad), Honestly for me Id rather feel the pain than nothing at all because I think life is beautiful in all its glory, you also cant have the good without the bad and opiates just get rid of all of it. Look within yourself and think about the things you want from life, for me I wanted to be in love again, to kiss a girl and feel all the feelings that come with that. I also believe that there is some type of intrinsic purpose to life that we cant fully grasp as humans but I think it has something to do with progress and change

I started using opiates in 2013, recreationally. I’ve smoked weed and drank-at times heavily- but never felt addicted to anything until I found opiates. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to quit. I am glad you have stayed clean. Good work! I want to be clean from opiates. Weed is part of my life and culture, so that’s always going to be around. But opiates are no joke and have turned me into a shell of who I used to be. Hang in there and thanks for responding to my post.

 

[Branggen]

I started using opiates in 2013, recreationally. I’ve smoked weed and drank-at times heavily- but never felt addicted to anything until I found opiates. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to quit. I am glad you have stayed clean. Good work! I want to be clean from opiates. Weed is part of my life and culture, so that’s always going to be around. But opiates are no joke and have turned me into a shell of who I used to be. Hang in there and thanks for responding to my post.

Yea 2013, maybe 2014, was when I started too. Ive done all the usual drugs that exist but opiates are the ones that got me too. Did you ever end up on methadone? I think methadone dug me quite a bit deeper into the hole and I know if I had quit before I started that stuff things would have been easier if I did manage to get off, though I know the methadone thing helped me to sort of stabilize my life. I also smoked weed everyday pretty much for 8 years until very recently, I smoked even more when I first got off the opiates but smoking it all day everyday I dont think helped much other than with the acute part of the withdrawals(at those times it was probably very necessary), but I was just burnt out everyday by 1pm, and kept smoking though it would kind of make me feel shitty beyond that point. Right now I have smoked weed once in the past 17 days and the dreams I get when I dont smoke it are absolutely crazy, to dream at all though makes me feel a lot more connected to reality in a way, and sort of reminds me of who I used to be, and like your original title, helps me to get to know myself again. Do you ever dream? I know I didnt when I smoked tons.

I was also curious to ask, how long were you off the opiates before you went back on them? And how long have you been on them since you stopped?

Oh also, I could not have done it without exercise, 100%, I liked bike rides because I could always push myself to see how far I could go and make a challenge out of it, im sure running or even walking could be the same. But yea if you make a challenge out of something and manage to complete it youll feel pretty good about yourself for that Ive found. The biking thing also helped take a big chunk out of the day and were the only times I found I didnt need to smoke weed to feel alright. Not saying you need to stop smoking weed but for me I did as it caused even more anxiety at times

 

[MaCherie]

Yea 2013, maybe 2014, was when I started too. Ive done all the usual drugs that exist but opiates are the ones that got me too. Did you ever end up on methadone? I think methadone dug me quite a bit deeper into the hole and I know if I had quit before I started that stuff things would have been easier if I did manage to get off, though I know the methadone thing helped me to sort of stabilize my life. I also smoked weed everyday pretty much for 8 years until very recently, I smoked even more when I first got off the opiates but smoking it all day everyday I dont think helped much other than with the acute part of the withdrawals(at those times it was probably very necessary), but I was just burnt out everyday by 1pm, and kept smoking though it would kind of make me feel shitty beyond that point. Right now I have smoked weed once in the past 17 days and the dreams I get when I dont smoke it are absolutely crazy, to dream at all though makes me feel a lot more connected to reality in a way, and sort of reminds me of who I used to be, and like your original title, helps me to get to know myself again. Do you ever dream? I know I didnt when I smoked tons.

I was also curious to ask, how long were you off the opiates before you went back on them? And how long have you been on them since you stopped?

My times I have quit we’re never for more than 1 month or so. Since my original post I have attempted at least 4 times to stop on my own. Suffering through about 3-4 days of feeling horrible. Before 2013 I had done opiates a few times when it was prescribed for an injury. Once I did start in 2013, I was going through some major life issues- work and family- and it numbed EVERYTHING. I found a friend, and I was in for the ride. I have never been on methadone or anything else. Although, I have wondered at times if I should come clean to my doctor and see what they can do. My Dad was on methadone for a very long time, and he took himself off of it. I saw what he went through and it was hell. I can’t imagine starting something else to have to come off of it again. As for dreaming, I dream occasionally, but I usually only remember it for the first half an hour after I wake up and then only in parts. I smoke weed and have for a very long time. I did a three-year stint where I gave it up in preparation for a job I wanted that didn’t happen and started smoking again in 2016. Currently at work, and tbh, knowing I can come back on BL and have some support is helping a lot. Hope you have a good day B

 

[Branggen]

My times I have quit we’re never for more than 1 month or so. Since my original post I have attempted at least 4 times to stop on my own. Suffering through about 3-4 days of feeling horrible. Before 2013 I had done opiates a few times when it was prescribed for an injury. Once I did start in 2013, I was going through some major life issues- work and family- and it numbed EVERYTHING. I found a friend, and I was in for the ride. I have never been on methadone or anything else. Although, I have wondered at times if I should come clean to my doctor and see what they can do. My Dad was on methadone for a very long time, and he took himself off of it. I saw what he went through and it was hell. I can’t imagine starting something else to have to come off of it again. As for dreaming, I dream occasionally, but I usually only remember it for the first half an hour after I wake up and then only in parts. I smoke weed and have for a very long time. I did a three-year stint where I gave it up in preparation for a job I wanted that didn’t happen and started smoking again in 2016. Currently at work, and tbh, knowing I can come back on BL and have some support is helping a lot. Hope you have a good day B

The reason I think I got addicted, and found a friend as you put it was my girlfriend at the time broke up with me and it felt like it came out of nowhere, I was pretty madly in love with this girl, I thought we might get married even. That happened and I started questioning everything I thought, even now I dont know to what extent that relationship was even real, anyway yea, it numbed everything so I could kind of continue living somewhat normally, or so I thought. It actually wasnt until I got off the opiates recently and started confronting the emotions that I actually started to get over it.

For me personally I never really got clean, even for a few days I dont think, until I stopped completely, which took a long taper for me. So I think its probably a good sign you have managed a month here and there. I could never deal with withdrawals very well and I always kind of thought if I could get passed the hard part Id be okay. I always had at least a little hope for the future and I think you should too otherwise why even try to get clean right, you just have to figure out what your are hoping for and imo theres a million things that make feeling real life worth it.

What kind of dosages do you use anyway, the only reason I think it matters is because if you are not taking anything to extreme methadone would definitely be going in the wrong direction imo. You have a good day aswell, I know Ive got to get out and do something myself, im thinking I should get some new clothes as most of my stuff is from before I got addicted still

 

[MaCherie]

The reason I think I got addicted, and found a friend as you put it was my girlfriend at the time broke up with me and it felt like it came out of nowhere, I was pretty madly in love with this girl, I thought we might get married even. That happened and I started questioning everything I thought, even now I dont know to what extent that relationship was even real, anyway yea, it numbed everything so I could kind of continue living somewhat normally, or so I thought. It actually wasnt until I got off the opiates recently and started confronting the emotions that I actually started to get over it.

For me personally I never really got clean, even for a few days I dont think, until I stopped completely, which took a long taper for me. So I think its probably a good sign you have managed a month here and there. I could never deal with withdrawals very well and I always kind of thought if I could get passed the hard part Id be okay. I always had at least a little hope for the future and I think you should too otherwise why even try to get clean right, you just have to figure out what your are hoping for and imo theres a million things that make feeling real life worth it.

What kind of dosages do you use anyway, the only reason I think it matters is because if you are not taking anything to extreme methadone would definitely be going in the wrong direction imo. You have a good day aswell, I know Ive got to get out and do something myself, im thinking I should get some new clothes as most of my stuff is from before I got addicted still

I was using 6-10, mostly 7 recently, a day 10/325 mg Norcos. I could’ve easily done more but didn’t want to overdo it on the Tylenol lol. Today is the first day without any. It’s usually easier than the 2nd day for me. I slept really well last night, so hoping tonite isn’t so bad. It’s always like day 3-5 that is either get more or tough it out. I don’t want more. I don’t want to be controlled. I woke up at 5am and am still in bed. Think I’ll get up and see what the day holds. I don’t really have anything to do today. I have to take my son into town later, but otherwise, nothing. I hate feeling this way. Like I can’t do anything without having Norco in my system, like nothing is enjoyable without it. I remember when it was. Ugh.