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Recovery Getting to know me again

Hi MaCherie, just caught up on your thread. Sounds like you're doing really great.

As Sim and TPD advised to avoid booze, I'd wish I'd come to BL sooner and gotten it before devolving into a raging alcoholic when I came off my 180mg/day oxy habit. I'm now 13 days sober from drinking, and coming up on 2 months pill-free. It is a journey.

What strain of cannabis are you vaping? I have my vape pen but only using it sporadically as I can tend to get a little to into my own head. But I know when I quit kratom I'll most likely be leaning on it more. Also good to know how effective the lope has been for you. I never really went with the lope instead opting for kratom.
 
Hi Krazie, I'm hanging in there lol. About to head to work now. Congrats on being 2 months pill free! That is awesome and I can't wait until I have that many days behind me. Also, the drinking, good for you! I know how much alcohol can fuck people up.

During the day day I'll use a sativa dominant strain, reserving the indica dominant for later in the day or when I don't have a bunch of stuff to do. I've also found edibles have helped me.

Ive read about people using Kratom here on BL and wondered what it was...never bothered to actually look up what it is lol. I just figure 2-6 mg of the lope is pretty mild. It hasn't stopped me up either so that's a plus.

Have a a good day K, off to work I go :)

ps. I slept like shit last night and probably only got about 4 hrs of sleep.
 
Mid day update- all my coworkers are pissing me off today. I am a supervisor and have a crew of 5-6 guys I deal with daily. Weelllllll, usually we handle business while having fun, laughing, etc. Today though, 1 of them is giving me attitude that is testing my patience.

Not today fool, not today. :|
 
Sorry you had a shit day yesterday. Here's hoping for a better one today.
<3
Sim
 
Thanks Sim, I'm heading out the door now. Glad it's Friday!

Hope you have a great day as well :D
 
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More than successful I'd say ;) You are now a master with bb code, bravo! :)
 
Well, TPD, I can't tell if my last message was successful yet.

In other news, will update fully tomorrow. Today was a long day and I'm not in the mood to get into it. lol. Goodnight!
 
Haven't posted in my journal since Friday. I've not had a weekend completely free where I had absolutely nothing to do but sleep in and veg out, in months. I took advantage of that all day yesterday. Did work outside today in my storage room. Donated clothes, threw shit out. Felt good.

My my body is still trying to heal. Even though it has been 9 days, it's not very much time. I know I am hard on myself, I need to be easier on myself. I'm trying to get there, it's a long road.

On Friday night, I drank some good rum my sister gave me for Mother's Day. I had a long day and decided to have a few swigs. I know that definitely contributed to my lethargy yesterday. All day, I felt pretty horrible...like my body did not tolerate the alcohol. I know I said before I wouldn't be drinking again, lol, but I'm really going to abstain until I have some time being opiate free.

I ended up taking the loperamide through Thursday of last week. So 6 days total. I was still"regular" even though I was taking 2-6/day. Then Friday morning I was constipated, so I knew that was my last day on it. I do not enjoy that feeling.

I need to start looking into some mindfulness meditation. I know it will help me ease my mind and get some relief.

Not really ready for the work week ahead. But I have to just keep pressing forward. The days have gotten easier, my nights still giving me trouble sleep wise. I can't seem to get to bed before 11, and I'm up every 2 hours on the dot. It sucks. I would think the vaping and edibles would be helping my sleep situation, but it hasn't yet. I'm super tired tonite from the work I did earlier, so hopefully I get to bed soon.

Until tomorrow xo
 
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It has been a hectic week at work. I haven't checked in here in a few days. Today is 13 days. I have found that I'm still trying to figure out who I am without being on opiates. I hate to admit that I miss it. I have thought about it more this week than last. I guess it comes with the territory.

My appetite is touch and go. I'm eating throughout the day, sometimes because I'm hungry and sometimes because I know I need to. My lower back and my neck have been bothering me this week. I've relied on ice to help, and it has. The only medication I'm taking is 2 Exederin as needed, usually in the morning. Also have to take an anti inflammatory that I've been on for awhile, Meloxicam. I had some tendinitis in my elbow that was absolutely immobilizing until I found that I could tolerate the medication. I also have Cyclobenzeprine which I take 1 at night. Still smoking weed everyday too, thank goodness. It has been a lifesaver.

I hope this gets easier. I just have to keeep my head up and keep it moving.
 
It will get easier as you continue to move forward and figure things out for yourself.

A huge part of my recovery was coming to terms with my relationship with opioids. I love them. Opioids have saved my life and done me a lot of good. Their use has also been associated with serious issues in my life and have literally killed me (OD). At a certain point I realized, I can respect the nuances of my relationship with opioids, the good they've done me along with the bad, and continue to feel love and gratitude for any ways they've positively influenced me over the years, without romanticizing my past use or continuing to use them.

Like, I can love them but that doesn't mean I have to use them. Not using doesn't mean I don't have to see opioids in any kind of black and white way.
 
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That makes sense TPD. I never even looked at it in that way. I feel that way about a few different things in life right now, just never even thought to associate my opiate use with that thought process.

I appreciate your response and am going to start thinking of it in that way. :)
 
I don't know enough to give you any advice, as I don't know enough about you are dealing with to have any illusion that I could help. But you should know that I am going to check in on you via this thread from time to time, and from what I've seen, you are already making progress in one of the most difficult fights I ever could imagine. I sincerely hope that you succeed in quitting, and more importantly that at the end of the road you feel better. Even if it's a tiny comfort or not one at all, you have people who are behind you and wanting you to succeed with the plan you've laid out for yourself. You're specific with measurements, time, and how you feel, which shows to me that you're doing the sensible thing. It reminds me of a few older medical journals, where someone would note their issues and be scientific, and that kind of attitude shows seriousness and self honesty.

I guess all I can say is good luck, and that people here are behind you as well as others that may be out there in the physical world. I find it impressive that you are doing this in addition to working, you are certainly capable, and I have the gut feeling that you will succeed. I hope you do, and well done for being a person so determined to face their issues, it's very inspiring.
 
Cogari, thank you. I have not been diligent over the past 2 weeks updating my journal here. I find that life is becoming more satisfying and the interwebs sometimes give me an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. To be frank, I'm too old for that kind of juvenile bs. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy BL and have learned and continue to learn a lot, this is not the internet bs I'm speaking of. In general though, there are times when I like to be disconnected, if you will.

18 days, it seems like an eternity. Although it has definitely gotten easier, in some respects it has not. I find myself getting into my emotions pretty deep. Thinking, rationalizing, some doubt and worry mixed in of course. I'm healing, and must remain in a realistic state of mind. Work is a definite distraction and escape from my thoughts. It is physical though, and tiring. By the time I get home I want to smoke and shower and go to bed. My appetite is getting there. I have been ravenous at times and disgusted by the smell of food at others.

Daily- smoking cannabis, either oils or flower. The concentrates have been easier on me. I love smoking blunts, but it can be taxing, so I've limited it. Still taking my anti inflammatory, and an occasional exederin. Caffeine in the morning, but that's about it.

I also find myself reading a lot about history. All kinds, with a special interest in any history that makes up my lineage. I just can't get enough.

:)
 
MaCherie said:
To be frank, I'm too old for that kind of juvenile bs. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy BL and have learned and continue to learn a lot, this is not the internet bs I'm speaking of. In general though, there are times when I like to be disconnected, if you will.

...

I also find myself reading a lot about history. All kinds, with a special interest in any history that makes up my lineage. I just can't get enough.

:)
Click to expand...

I hear you about the internet. :) What is your heritage/lineage?
 
Good morning Herbavore, I am such a mut lol. My mother is Guamanian, Japanese and Swedish. My father is Norwegian, Irish and something else that I'm not sure of. He took his mothers last name and his father was never mentioned. I have done some digging and come to a dead stop when I get to that side of my family. It has always interested me, as well as religious history.

I think Ancestry DNA will be helpful to discover the missing link.
 
Glad to hear you are continuing to do well MaCherie! One of the joys of early recovery is how much more time and energy becomes available to us when we're not having to spend it all up dealing with the consequence of harmful drug use. It's not unusual for things get a bit easier to manage more generally.
 
I understand being varied in when you use the internet. I'm pretty similar myself (although I do need to use the internet both for work, research and my studies), I'm not a fan of being overly sociable myself. I'm a young man admittedly, but I do know what you mean by the 'drain' of the internet, especially as my social sphere is very catty and I like to be removed from it, with BL being the exception due to an anonymity and honesty here.

I can understand the desire to throw yourself into work and the back and forth of stress and the struggle of not always feeling too great. It goes without saying that you are still doing well, 18 days is nothing to sniff at, at all. Also the fact that you're reevaluating your smoking habits shows an order and the discipline you've shown all along. I love to read, as both an aspiring writer and something of a hound when it comes to seeking out new literature, you can never go wrong with the stimulation a book can provide. I've known a lot of people who read more as they recovered, and I think it's both a sign of returning acuity and...well I can't speak for your case, but often when I've noted a person getting themselves back on track, something like reading shows that they are far less lethargic. I've known a lot of addicts who delved into intellectual hobbies and got sharper, and the worst thing, that lethargy being slowly defeated was the biggest sign of real improvement (and unfortunately, if lethargy returned it was a bit of a shame as it showed a change in the road to wanting to get better).

As wishy washy as it sounds, things can only get better. You show more dedication than most I've seen. Honestly, if you're away because you like your life and it's in your nature to do so, then that makes me smile. It shows you're making progress, and even if I can't see it, whatever you're doing out there is satisfying. You deserve that. So my fingers are still crossed for your recovery (y)
 
I guess I set myself up. I read in a thread about how having that monthly or bi monthly doctor appointment sets you up to relapse. It did. No matter how positive you may seem, or how together you think you have it.

I got a prescription filled, I took 4 out of it and gave the rest to my mother. Well, I used 3 one day and took 1 the next. I didn't want to update my journal, I didn't want to admit that I fucked up. But I did. Can't take it back, just have to start over.

My mother said something to me this morning. She said- "I don't want to be a part of your viscious cycle, it's ugly. I almost feel like you're holding me hostage..." that upset me. I definitely don't want her feeling like that. I'm glad she said it though.

So, back to day 1. :/
 
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