Do I have a mental dependency to Benzos or am I just overthinking?

[Sytryan]

A very close friend of mine had a problem with a severe benzodiazepine dependency in his younger years. I believe his DOCs were temazepam first and foremost, then alprazolam, then etizolam. He has an immense feeling of regret when he reflects on the 3-4 year period where he has no memories of anything whatsoever. During his BZD addiction, he was doing all sorts of dumb shit, no doubt aided by the inhibition-reducing effects of BZDs - including but not limited to: forging prescriptions for absurd amounts of controlled substances (I believe he told me he did a script for 300 ct 30mg temazepam, 300ct 10mg ritalin, and 180ct Adderall 30s., made several duplicates, and attempted to fill them... and he got away with it for a little while too, until his MD got in touch and told him he was no longer considered a patient in his care, threatening legal sanctions, and to this day he has great difficulty filing the simplest of Rxes... they must be checked manually and can only be dispensed at ONE pharmacy, of his choice, which cannot be changed too often.) When the pharmaceutical BZDs ran out he turned to the darknet to purchase bulk alprazolam powder, supposedly pinched from stock at a compounding plant, or etizolam: depending on the price.

He eventually managed to get his shit together and execute an incredibly rapid diazepam taper, which liberated him from the daily requirement to be pumped full of sedatives. Unfortunately his asocial, paranoid habits developed over years of drug use and isolation, plus the withdrawal effects/PAWS from a severe and long BZD addiction, rendered him a bit of a hikkikomori - he didn't feel comfortable socializing or going into public. Over time he learned to deal with his fears and became a more functional person, thankfully. Goes to show that no dependency, no matter how big is too much to handle.

Thanks for sharing your friend's story as it is a story of hope. Yea for some reason Diazepam works wonders for tapering & coming off these meds without much pain - I was on diazepam during my detox phase in rehab but I kept having Deja Vu experiences at night & could hear people talking in my head etc luckily all of that went away at the end of that - like the previous poster mentioned, I am grateful I have got off light so far and know well that if I start using again, sooner or later it's going to end up there.

 

[Sytryan]

You should be extremely grateful you only experienced a low mood and have somehow not gotten yourself horribly physically addicted. With that said, you clearly need to work out recovery plan with a professional. Based on the behavior you're talking about I don't think you'll be able to beat it on your own, at least not at this point. You've honestly gotten off light so far, but that won't be the case if you wind up getting physically addicted and develop a high tolerance.

For now, my counsellor in rehab made me come up with a recovery schedule and all the things I'd do on each day etc but the main thing that was emphasised was to attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days without fail and to share in every meeting, as well as do a short gratitude list & keep in touch daily with clean guys in NA.

 

[nuttynutskin]

For now, my counsellor in rehab made me come up with a recovery schedule and all the things I'd do on each day etc but the main thing that was emphasised was to attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days without fail and to share in every meeting, as well as do a short gratitude list & keep in touch daily with clean guys in NA.

Sounds good, good luck man. Exercise will definitely help as well.

 

[Sytryan]

Thanks mate.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

You need to stop taking benzos. If you don't it is going to end badly -- I guarantee it.

This seems to be a case of benzo abuse that is reminiscent to binge drinking.

Out of curiosity, what country are you from? It seems a uniquely foreign thing to hear someone say they went to a clinic and was prescribed 14 pills of something (benzodiazepines are prescribed in a months supply in the United States and western Europe). Latin America or an obscure European country perhaps?

Benzos are not necessarily prescribed in a months supply at a time, that is inaccurate.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah I barley ever got a 30 days supply. Benzos are like fire extinguishers how many times do you have to use one ? And taking the whole bottle is like spraying the fire extinguisher for the fun of it and hoping you never have a fire

Benzos are not necessarily prescribed in a months supply at a time, that is inaccurate.

 

[Sytryan]

Update: I'll be going back to a detox facility as I've started using benzos again and drinking alcohol with it and stole some money from home to fund the habit.
I can't imagine a life without drugs..

 

[Flower Fairy]

I came across a group of rat/mice pups trapped on a glue trap and I brought them back home to treat them (I do wildlife rescue volunteer work) so that helped me keep my mind off the booze.

Aww what happened to them? did you find mummy too?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Update: I'll be going back to a detox facility as I've started using benzos again and drinking alcohol with it and stole some money from home to fund the habit.
I can't imagine a life without drugs..

@negrogesic won’t led you wrong

 

[Satans666kush]

I have always had an ‘issue’ with Benzos ever since I was first prescribed 3 years back but it was always a one off binge thing e.g doctor would give me 14 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin to last a month and right after the appointment, on my way home, I would take all 14 but after the high wore off, I never needed them.

Then it started as me telling lies to my doctors that I’ve lost my benzos and need a re prescription (I finished my 1st prescription in one go). As of this year, I have started visiting various doctors to get different kinds of Benzos and the main healthcare provider that used to prescribe me clonazepam rarely does as they suspect I abuse the medication, so I came up with another story and am getting prescribed Xanax (usually 14 tabs 0.25mg which I finish within one day).

My main benzodiazepine for now is Bromazepam (10 tabs 1.5mg) and it is supposed to last for 1 week but I finish all in one day as I cannot just take one or two. My tolerance has risen and a few occasions I did some really stupid things like combining Bromazepam with beer and Xanax with Gin, which I know is very dangerous.

Whenever I get my salary, I visit a particular clinic to obtain Xanax (as the dose of Xanax there is the strongest amongst all the clinics I've been to so far) and once again, though its supposed to last me for a while (10 tabs 0.5mg) I take them all in one day as usual and wake up in a haze. To combat that haze, I have 2 regular beers in the morning. Especially after using Xanax (& Klonopin in high doses) I become mentally obsessed with obtaining more Benzos from other doctors.

My main benzodiazepine of choice is still Clonazepam but I’ve noticed my tolerance is way higher than it used to be and I have to take a lot so it doesn't excite me as much as it used to and it's way harder for me to obtain it now.

I stopped benzos for a while after an incident last year where a doctor prescribed me 42 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin supposed to last me for 3 weeks and I took at least 20 in one day, blacked out and took the remaining as well. I then went back the next day and lied to the doctor saying I lost the medication and need another 42 tabs and was given, though they were suspicious. So I took another 20 tabs of Klonopin and remember ringing up my counsellor and blabbering about me wanting to end my life etc and 4 cops immediately showed up in my home. Since my medication is prescribed and legal, they couldn't do much but advised me not to take that many and left quickly. After that event, I was off benzos for a good 6-7 months.

I do not have physical withdrawals and don’t drink alcohol much, in fact I used to attend AA in the past but found that alcohol isn’t much of an issue for me and I don’t enjoy it or obsess over it like Benzos.

For those who have struggled with benzodiazepine addiction, do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs? Right now, I have to go and get a prescription of Bromazepam once a week and I finish them all in one day and the rest of the week I am clean. I can't afford to get Xanax regularly due to the suspicion and if I am really craving benzos but can't get my hands on some, I drink a couple of beers but it never satisfies me nor do I really enjoy it - the puking, hangovers etc.

I do have a history of depression & my psych diagnosed me with borderline PD after couple of months of observation though I can say I have grown out out of some of my BPD traits, they are still there. I have taken up lots of volunteer work, I love animals so I do help out at a dog shelter every weekend and am also a wildlife rescue volunteer officer in the weekends.

I really need some guidance as I can observe my memory being not as sharp as it used to be and I am only 22! When I am on Xanax or high doses of Klonopin, I become very impulsive and spend my money like there's no tomorrow or decide to go benzo shopping with different doctors.

I'll be frank - I just got a prescription of 14tabs of 0.25mg Xanax today from the doctor and have already taken 10 but don't feel much.

Well 10 .25mg is 2.50mg wich is hardly anything I take 6-10 bars at once wich is 12-20mg at once if you continue youll become highly addicted sounds like your halfway there

 

[opiatekrzy]

I admire the lax environment for benzo pushing as they would genuinely benefit me

 

[pally pete]

He eventually managed to get his shit together and execute an incredibly rapid diazepam taper, which liberated him from the daily requirement to be pumped full of sedatives. Unfortunately his asocial, paranoid habits developed over years of drug use and isolation, plus the withdrawal effects/PAWS from a severe and long BZD addiction, rendered him a bit of a hikkikomori - he didn't feel comfortable socializing or going into public. Over time he learned to deal with his fears and became a more functional person, thankfully. Goes to show that no dependency, no matter how big is too much to handle.

That's a big part that's hard to deal with.. it's what usually drives me back to using Benzos! Full recovery can sometimes take years... Glad to hear your friend eventually came out the other side.

 

[Flower Fairy]

it's what usually drives me back to using Benzos

And me, I don't go out, I have one friend who also has anxiety, been off benzos a year, apart from 2 slip ups as bought xanax but still not took vallies in over a year, they was my weakness

 

[Specified]

Only good thing made by big pharma

 

[pally pete]

And me, I don't go out, I have one friend who also has anxiety, been off benzos a year, apart from 2 slip ups as bought xanax but still not took vallies in over a year, they was my weakness

Good on you for managing to stay off the Vallies. Respect (y) Benzos can grab you by the balls and never let go!

 

[Sytryan]

Hey all..

Well during that post on May 28 (which I only saw now, no memory of posting it) I went on a pill binge and went to a lot of places and gathered a number of benzos I'd always wanted to together to see how it felt (sounds ridiculous now but very motivational back then when I was high) - Klonopin, Valium, Xanax, Bromazepam and got a couple of Zolpidem and used them together with some cocktail alcohol. I remember self harming when high and feeling very....not myself, as though I was channeling something else.

I can only remember 30-40% of the entire episode and I'm glad my friends were with me as they were very worried and I apparently became openly suicidal and started texting them the beauty of suicide while high and ringed up my local crisis hotline and uttered some rubbish to them while high again - I only came to know of this when they texted me a couple of days later asking how I was.

Anyway a couple of days into the pill & alcohol binge I mentioned above, I ended up ODing accidentally and was brought to the hospital and the crazy thing was that I remember hiding my remaining benzos in my pocket before going to the hospital. Glad to have survived it but the next few days were shit and I just wanted to go out and use/drink again because I thought I had recovered.

They transferred me to a mental health hospital out of concern and I explained to the psychiatrist that It was not a suicidal attempt as they kept believing it was and that I accidentally OD'd and left that place to come back home. I relapsed with a couple of pills and some alcohol on the same day once I reached home.

I've been clean for 14 days now and it's a real suck now. I've been attending daily NA meetings without fail after my discharge but usually 2 weeks after I stop benzos, I experience this crazy crippling depression accompanied with more and more frequent thoughts of using again. I don't want to use but at the same time am not sure how to ride this depressive episode as it's hard to function and I hate it. I've also noticed that I get more muscle spasms nowadays, in my arm, neck area and sometimes other parts of my body and not sure if it has anything to do with benzos.

I have a follow up with the doctors to do a chest X-ray and liver function test as the doctors were not sure and satisfied with the results in the hospital.

 

[Sytryan]

Aww what happened to them? did you find mummy too?

Nah. They were young but old enough to eat solid food and survive by themselves so they recovered well and fast with good food and a stress-free environment - once their fur coat is fully clean of the gum, I release them back..away from the place they were originally caught. A number of times pigeons also get their wings glued together by those traps and had to clean them off - though pigeons are much more tough and recovery in a day or two and ready to be released.

 

[Flower Fairy]

Ahhh bless them, and well done you for saving those animals, I didn't realise that gum stuff was so bad to animals