Do I have a mental dependency to Benzos or am I just overthinking?

[Sytryan]

I have always had an ‘issue’ with Benzos ever since I was first prescribed 3 years back but it was always a one off binge thing e.g doctor would give me 14 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin to last a month and right after the appointment, on my way home, I would take all 14 but after the high wore off, I never needed them.

Then it started as me telling lies to my doctors that I’ve lost my benzos and need a re prescription (I finished my 1st prescription in one go). As of this year, I have started visiting various doctors to get different kinds of Benzos and the main healthcare provider that used to prescribe me clonazepam rarely does as they suspect I abuse the medication, so I came up with another story and am getting prescribed Xanax (usually 14 tabs 0.25mg which I finish within one day).

My main benzodiazepine for now is Bromazepam (10 tabs 1.5mg) and it is supposed to last for 1 week but I finish all in one day as I cannot just take one or two. My tolerance has risen and a few occasions I did some really stupid things like combining Bromazepam with beer and Xanax with Gin, which I know is very dangerous.

Whenever I get my salary, I visit a particular clinic to obtain Xanax (as the dose of Xanax there is the strongest amongst all the clinics I've been to so far) and once again, though its supposed to last me for a while (10 tabs 0.5mg) I take them all in one day as usual and wake up in a haze. To combat that haze, I have 2 regular beers in the morning. Especially after using Xanax (& Klonopin in high doses) I become mentally obsessed with obtaining more Benzos from other doctors.

My main benzodiazepine of choice is still Clonazepam but I’ve noticed my tolerance is way higher than it used to be and I have to take a lot so it doesn't excite me as much as it used to and it's way harder for me to obtain it now.

I stopped benzos for a while after an incident last year where a doctor prescribed me 42 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin supposed to last me for 3 weeks and I took at least 20 in one day, blacked out and took the remaining as well. I then went back the next day and lied to the doctor saying I lost the medication and need another 42 tabs and was given, though they were suspicious. So I took another 20 tabs of Klonopin and remember ringing up my counsellor and blabbering about me wanting to end my life etc and 4 cops immediately showed up in my home. Since my medication is prescribed and legal, they couldn't do much but advised me not to take that many and left quickly. After that event, I was off benzos for a good 6-7 months.

I do not have physical withdrawals and don’t drink alcohol much, in fact I used to attend AA in the past but found that alcohol isn’t much of an issue for me and I don’t enjoy it or obsess over it like Benzos.

For those who have struggled with benzodiazepine addiction, do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs? Right now, I have to go and get a prescription of Bromazepam once a week and I finish them all in one day and the rest of the week I am clean. I can't afford to get Xanax regularly due to the suspicion and if I am really craving benzos but can't get my hands on some, I drink a couple of beers but it never satisfies me nor do I really enjoy it - the puking, hangovers etc.

I do have a history of depression & my psych diagnosed me with borderline PD after couple of months of observation though I can say I have grown out out of some of my BPD traits, they are still there. I have taken up lots of volunteer work, I love animals so I do help out at a dog shelter every weekend and am also a wildlife rescue volunteer officer in the weekends.

I really need some guidance as I can observe my memory being not as sharp as it used to be and I am only 22! When I am on Xanax or high doses of Klonopin, I become very impulsive and spend my money like there's no tomorrow or decide to go benzo shopping with different doctors.

I'll be frank - I just got a prescription of 14tabs of 0.25mg Xanax today from the doctor and have already taken 10 but don't feel much.

 

[negrogesic]

You need to stop taking benzos. If you don't it is going to end badly -- I guarantee it.

This seems to be a case of benzo abuse that is reminiscent to binge drinking.

Out of curiosity, what country are you from? It seems a uniquely foreign thing to hear someone say they went to a clinic and was prescribed 14 pills of something (benzodiazepines are prescribed in a months supply in the United States and western Europe). Latin America or an obscure European country perhaps?

 

[Sytryan]

Yea I'm not from the states nor EU. I am based in Southeast Asia and in the country I live, we have a ton of clinics here with general practitioner doctors that prescribe these pills. Rarely have I a month's supply and I am glad I never got that, because it'll finish in 1-2 days.

 

[Sytryan]

You need to stop taking benzos. If you don't it is going to end badly -- I guarantee it.

This seems to be a case of benzo abuse that is reminiscent to binge drinking.

Out of curiosity, what country are you from? It seems a uniquely foreign thing to hear someone say they went to a clinic and was prescribed 14 pills of something (benzodiazepines are prescribed in a months supply in the United States and western Europe). Latin America or an obscure European country perhaps?

Yes you just confirmed what I'd always suspected, I do benzo binges then abstain for a few days till I get my next prescription. At this point I don't have a physical dependency to Benzos do I?

 

[negrogesic]

If you were able to take a high single dose of benzos and are not in withdrawal by 5 then I'd say you aren't physically dependent. Take advantage of this and stop, because I've gone through benzo withdrawal and it was the worst ive ever felt, worse than high dose heroin withdrawal (although high dose heroin withdrawal is more intense in the short term).

 

[Sytryan]

ok thank you for your brutally honest answer. I just can't seem to go without having a mini benzo binge at least once a week. How do you sugggest I come clean? A part of me definitely wants to come clean and stop this shit once and for all but it's like when I pass by certain clinics etc I can almost feel the drug calling me and despite me making a conscious decision that "I WILL NOT SEE THE DOCTOR TODAY", I pass by the clinic and walk past it and within a few minutes I find myself going back into the clinic, seeing the doctor and getting pills. It's like the drug calls out.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Quit while your ahead... You already had the cops called on you once. I'm surprised they wouldn't have you on file and flat out deny you after what you've said, but I guess some countries are a lot more lax.

 

[Sytryan]

Quit while your ahead... You already had the cops called on you once. I'm surprised they wouldn't have you on file and flat out deny you after what you've said, but I guess some countries are a lot more lax.

Yes, I am not proud of it, but I am good in manipulating my doctors to give me prescriptions. Even my psych who initially wrote in his report that I shouldn't be given benzos due to potential abuse, over a period of months I concocted a story and he's now giving me prescriptions. Not all doctors can access my medical records, especially private doctors so that's where I go normally to get the pills. Not proud of all this.

 

[evo4ever]

In the UK doctors flat out refuse to prescribe benzos no matter what ur problems are, even if uve got a clear legitimate medical condition which indicates the use of benzos. The only way to obtain benzos in the UK is in a hospital setting and even then they will only give u 2 or 3 at the lowest dose to take home. It's a bit of an injustice imo and it pushes genuine patients that need benzos to the black market.

 

[Sytryan]

Yea where I live, benzos are easy to get legally from doctors. The black market is still present in my country as well, but there's more than enough doctors willing to write prescriptions.

 

[Wilson Wilson]

In the UK doctors flat out refuse to prescribe benzos no matter what ur problems are, even if uve got a clear legitimate medical condition which indicates the use of benzos. The only way to obtain benzos in the UK is in a hospital setting and even then they will only give u 2 or 3 at the lowest dose to take home. It's a bit of an injustice imo and it pushes genuine patients that need benzos to the black market.

This is true on the NHS for the most part. But I have previously been given diazepam on repeat under the NHS before and I am currently scripted 4mg clonazepam (2x 2mg tablets) but this is through a private specialist not the NHS. If you can afford a private doc you can get scripted whatever the fuck you like. I even used to get Xanax 0.5mg privately too but that was only a temp script not repeat.

But yeah the NHS is mad strict with benzos in the vast majority of the UK this is true. Unless you are very lucky with the postcode lottery and your local CCG is more lax about benzo scripts, which is rare but does happen especially if you got a clean medical record. I even know a bloke with a daily temazepam script on the NHS and temazepam is fucking luuuush I can definitely see why it was so huge in Scotland back in the 80's.

I do sadly know a lot of people with strict GP's and no money for private doctors so they are pushed to the black market buying pressed blues and bars to self-medicate their anxiety and fuck knows what's even in those. I hate seeing it. Used to be me at uni, but I self-medicated with Etizest and Actavis diazepam blister packs instead of presses. This is way back when etizolam was legal and real UK pharma diazepam was still everywhere.

 

[Sytryan]

As for recovery, since I am not physically dependent on benzos yet, what would you guys who have been clean for a while suggest? NA meetings, spirituality etc?

I just woke up today after taking 3.5mg of Xanax and not feeling the desired high, so had to down 2 beers before getting high and sleeping. I know this life I am leading is causing me and everyone around me pain and heartache.

 

[Keif' Richards]

Addiction is a subjective thing, so unfortunately there is not a tried and true metric for determining when an individual has crossed the threshold from harmless fun to tricking on the main drag for scooby snacks. If you want my advice, I think you are definitely dealing with some negative though process in regard to how you think about this stuff and how you use it. In your instance, based upon your first post, I think the behavior is a lot more telling than any dosage or frequency really. At the end of your post you state that you were given a small prescription for Alprazolam (Xanax) and quickly consumed the majority of it.

I know from experience. You've taken something that would have been better used strategically, in moments of extreme stress, panic, insomnia or what have you. The "fuck it, I will address this later" is something I can certainly relate too. Opiate addicts often speak of how great even a little bit of dope would be to wake up to, yet they never, not once save any for that purpose. It all gets used for the maximum effect at that moment. You will face the consequences later, but for now, you're golden. It's the beginning of a self-deluding thought process that only worsens with time.

My advice would be to try different avenues of treatment to see what you like. The only thing that I found success with was 12-Step stuff. I'm not perfect, but a few years ago I was able to stop daily Heroin usage and I'm still working on obtaining that perfection of never using anything ever. So, do some research buddy and you can always message me and I'll be happy to help.

 

[Sytryan]

Addiction is a subjective thing, so unfortunately there is not a tried and true metric for determining when an individual has crossed the threshold from harmless fun to tricking on the main drag for scooby snacks. If you want my advice, I think you are definitely dealing with some negative though process in regard to how you think about this stuff and how you use it. In your instance, based upon your first post, I think the behavior is a lot more telling than any dosage or frequency really. At the end of your post you state that you were given a small prescription for Alprazolam (Xanax) and quickly consumed the majority of it.

I know from experience. You've taken something that would have been better used strategically, in moments of extreme stress, panic, insomnia or what have you. The "fuck it, I will address this later" is something I can certainly relate too. Opiate addicts often speak of how great even a little bit of dope would be to wake up to, yet they never, not once save any for that purpose. It all gets used for the maximum effect at that moment. You will face the consequences later, but for now, you're golden. It's the beginning of a self-deluding thought process that only worsens with time.

My advice would be to try different avenues of treatment to see what you like. The only thing that I found success with was 12-Step stuff. I'm not perfect, but a few years ago I was able to stop daily Heroin usage and I'm still working on obtaining that perfection of never using anything ever. So, do some research buddy and you can always message me and I'll be happy to help.

Thanks for your input and it's inspiring that you're clean for a few years from daily heroin usage. Yes I have also found that the more I chase the drug the less peace I have and lose interest in my life, goals etc and it's as if I live solely to get the pills and whenever I get into that state it freaks me out because it's as if something else takes over.

 

[Sytryan]

So the whole of yesterday I was clean of benzos and alcohol. I mention alcohol because after waking up yesterday morning I felt groggy and though 2 beers would help but as I was about to buy it, I came across a group of rat/mice pups trapped on a glue trap and I brought them back home to treat them (I do wildlife rescue volunteer work) so that helped me keep my mind off the booze.

Fast forward to today, I woke up and feel as though my brain is in a jam or is not fully functioning. My mood has gone back down in the slums and I wouldn't say I am panicky or very anxious but it's a brain jam feeling, together with a slight migraine (though this might be unrelated to benzos). I am way more irritable today and mentally have started craving some Bromazepam and have been thinking on and off should I go to the doctor to get some. I know I can't get my hands on Xanax or the doctors will be suspicious but the doctor who prescribes me Bromazepam (15mg) is quite lax and I know for a fact she'll write a prescription of 10 pills If I go today.

BUT I have been reminding myself that by taking them again, I am just feeding the cycle and making it stronger but part of my brain is just telling me that a couple of pills would make me feel normal and more happy again.

How did you guys deal with this brain jam, low mood phase and what helps speed up the process so I can feel I am alive and not like a fucking zombie whose dead inside.

 

[Wilson Wilson]

You're getting very mild, mostly psychological withdrawal that will go away on its own. Unless you feel a strong compulsion to start using benzos again I personally don't think you need to go to NA or anything, but that's a personal decision for you really.

As for the "brain jam" in my experience this only lasts a few days or a week max, and even if it is a week you should feel it getting better each day throughout the week. It should clear up pretty quick and you should be fine soon.

As far as benzo withdrawals go your habit was small and not chronic (no daily use) so once the initial stuff passes in a few days to a week you should be back to normal pretty fast.

 

[Sytryan]

Thanks for your input. After yesterday posting it, later in the day I did go to the doctor to get bromazepam as the temptation was too much.

being busy helps so far.

 

[evo4ever]

This is true on the NHS for the most part. But I have previously been given diazepam on repeat under the NHS before and I am currently scripted 4mg clonazepam (2x 2mg tablets) but this is through a private specialist not the NHS. If you can afford a private doc you can get scripted whatever the fuck you like. I even used to get Xanax 0.5mg privately too but that was only a temp script not repeat.

But yeah the NHS is mad strict with benzos in the vast majority of the UK this is true. Unless you are very lucky with the postcode lottery and your local CCG is more lax about benzo scripts, which is rare but does happen especially if you got a clean medical record. I even know a bloke with a daily temazepam script on the NHS and temazepam is fucking luuuush I can definitely see why it was so huge in Scotland back in the 80's.

I do sadly know a lot of people with strict GP's and no money for private doctors so they are pushed to the black market buying pressed blues and bars to self-medicate their anxiety and fuck knows what's even in those. I hate seeing it. Used to be me at uni, but I self-medicated with Etizest and Actavis diazepam blister packs instead of presses. This is way back when etizolam was legal and real UK pharma diazepam was still everywhere.

How much does a private GP cost? I'm interested in going down this route!

 

[Keif' Richards]

So the whole of yesterday I was clean of benzos and alcohol. I mention alcohol because after waking up yesterday morning I felt groggy and though 2 beers would help but as I was about to buy it, I came across a group of rat/mice pups trapped on a glue trap and I brought them back home to treat them (I do wildlife rescue volunteer work) so that helped me keep my mind off the booze.

Fast forward to today, I woke up and feel as though my brain is in a jam or is not fully functioning. My mood has gone back down in the slums and I wouldn't say I am panicky or very anxious but it's a brain jam feeling, together with a slight migraine (though this might be unrelated to benzos). I am way more irritable today and mentally have started craving some Bromazepam and have been thinking on and off should I go to the doctor to get some. I know I can't get my hands on Xanax or the doctors will be suspicious but the doctor who prescribes me Bromazepam (15mg) is quite lax and I know for a fact she'll write a prescription of 10 pills If I go today.

BUT I have been reminding myself that by taking them again, I am just feeding the cycle and making it stronger but part of my brain is just telling me that a couple of pills would make me feel normal and more happy again.

How did you guys deal with this brain jam, low mood phase and what helps speed up the process so I can feel I am alive and not like a fucking zombie whose dead inside.

Sytran first off, you are doing great. Withdrawal from anything is difficult, but Benzo/Alcohol withdrawal is really of the worst there is and nobody's gonna throw you a party for doing so great. This is personal.

You need to have a mantra. Does that sound too corny? Whatever! Youre mantra must exist as withdrawal-induced cycles of anxiety and depression are going to constantly knock you off balance.

"Im doing great; every day, hour and minute that you stay the course needs to be cherished

You need to know that no matter how bad it feels, you are doing something personally and existentially positive. You are not onoy investing in your own future, but giving the people who love and care about you the gift of knowing you're okay. Ch'appy Chanuka bitches!!!

You are dealing with a force that cannot be bullshitted, tricked or changed. Your girlfriend wont be able to make you feel better. You will feel worthless, depressed; lost in some dark dank cave, probably filled with bats.

You might sit indian style in your shower for hours cycling between ruminations over missed opportunities with your father and using using your own tears as masturbatory lubricant to imagined pornography, as you havent paid the cable in months and you are banned from the public library.

Im probably getting too personal now, but the point stands. It can suck. Your mind is not your friend. Youre not perfect, sure, but you are also not the worst human being alive.

Do things to take your mind off of the situation. Whatever you enjoy. This is not permanent. You have to dig in and wait for the storm to pass. If you need someone to talk to we are all here to help. If you want my cell, no problem, just pm me. You can do this. I and the rest of BL have your back and know that you can do it.

Do you use Cannabis? Definitely pick a non-anxiogenic variety, but it is a harmless way to boost your mood and stimulate your appetite. Have you ever used Gabapentinoids? They could lessen some of the severe symptoms like anxiety or insomnia without interfering in your progress.

 

[Wilson Wilson]

How much does a private GP cost? I'm interested in going down this route!

Private GP's are generally £60-80 a session and there's even apps you can get to have video sessions. But you will have better luck getting benzos from a private psychiatrist in my experience. Those are of course more expensive. Online sessions are £250 or so, real life ones are wayyyy more expensive, eye watering prices I wouldn't pay.

Can't hurt to try a private GP though if you wanna give it a go. They can't see or add to your NHS record unless you give them permission to contact your NHS GP. As a general rule, private doctors don't care about what's on your NHS record and only contact your NHS GP if you want to refer a script to them.