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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Do I have a mental dependency to Benzos or am I just overthinking?

just dropped alprazolam after about 2 1/2 weeks and i am a bit nervous after 3 days without... add a coupla bumps of yay and im ready to bug. got some diazepam if things turn south but trying not to fuck with em. i'll eat something in a minute and that will help with the nerves a little.
kinda like a workout but mental. i know the physical dependency and just dont wanna go there. fuck that. been there.
and have gabapentin as mentioned above. it helps a bit for dealing with work.
the weed thing does in fact help appetite. the wrong strain is not helpful for me.
Sytryan said:
do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs?
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MO? yep. benzos are my doc. always has been. know them well and also know the other edge of the blade....
hard not to think about eating them....
may be why i am here? BL is the bomb bitch... lol
peace and best always
 
It sounds like that ‘obsession’ part of addiction is there. Reading about you taking the whole script on the first day and doctor shopping right after sounds very familiar to me. I was addicted to Valium (60mg per day) for a couple of years, did a very slow taper and haven’t been on them for awhile.
You mentioned something along the lines of finding or growing your spirituality. I think it’s the bread and butter of recovery. Finding purpose in life again; to love and to be loved
 
You have a psychological dependency, stop before its physical and hell
 
Keif' Richards said:
Sytran first off, you are doing great. Withdrawal from anything is difficult, but Benzo/Alcohol withdrawal is really of the worst there is and nobody's gonna throw you a party for doing so great. This is personal.

You need to have a mantra. Does that sound too corny? Whatever! Youre mantra must exist as withdrawal-induced cycles of anxiety and depression are going to constantly knock you off balance.

"Im doing great; every day, hour and minute that you stay the course needs to be cherished

You need to know that no matter how bad it feels, you are doing something personally and existentially positive. You are not onoy investing in your own future, but giving the people who love and care about you the gift of knowing you're okay. Ch'appy Chanuka bitches!!!

You are dealing with a force that cannot be bullshitted, tricked or changed. Your girlfriend wont be able to make you feel better. You will feel worthless, depressed; lost in some dark dank cave, probably filled with bats.

You might sit indian style in your shower for hours cycling between ruminations over missed opportunities with your father and using using your own tears as masturbatory lubricant to imagined pornography, as you havent paid the cable in months and you are banned from the public library.

Im probably getting too personal now, but the point stands. It can suck. Your mind is not your friend. Youre not perfect, sure, but you are also not the worst human being alive.

Do things to take your mind off of the situation. Whatever you enjoy. This is not permanent. You have to dig in and wait for the storm to pass. If you need someone to talk to we are all here to help. If you want my cell, no problem, just pm me. You can do this. I and the rest of BL have your back and know that you can do it.

Do you use Cannabis? Definitely pick a non-anxiogenic variety, but it is a harmless way to boost your mood and stimulate your appetite. Have you ever used Gabapentinoids? They could lessen some of the severe symptoms like anxiety or insomnia without interfering in your progress.
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Thanks man for the encouragement and describing the reality. I don't use Cannabis as it's strictly illegal where I live and not as popular so hard to get. Most people here who do illicit drugs are into Meth, Heroin, Codeine & Ecstasy.

I have never heard of Gabapentinoids and will look into it. Is that something I get from a doctor or from a health supply store?
 
Lucy20 said:
You have a psychological dependency, stop before its physical and hell
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That's what I suspected and worried as well. I have friends who get prescribed Xanax and their supply can last them for entire months and they rarely use it whereas I am unable to do so (have tried In the past) and sooner or later the entire prescription is gone that very same day. Hence I feel unless I am supervised in a hospital setting for example, I can't take benzos as prescribed by myself and best would be to not take them.

Certain Benzos really awaken the 'beast' so to speak, to go out and get another prescription - mainly Clonazepam & Xanax. When these two hit me, for a moment I am like "It feels damn bloody good, well more would make me feel greater". I remember once, after many months of not taking Klonopin, I gave into the temptation and went to see a doctor who prescribed me 14 tabs of Klonopin.

That very night after taking it, I felt this sudden panic that all of it has finished and I was desperate so went out at night to find another doctor and got some Valium but the consultation price was insane as it was a private GP. I am quite sure that doctor knew I was on something but didn't bother asking and just asked if I wanted Valium, Xanax or Lorazepam because that's all they had.

The next day I went back to the doctor who prescribed me the Klonopin and told her I lost the medication so need a refill and concocted another bullshit story and she gave the sam prescription back. I remember feeling relief but there was also that feeling of sliding into a deeper pit and the feeling was terrible emotionally even though I got all the benzos I wanted.
 
I now know for a fact that I really do have an issue with benzos. My doctor prescribed 2 months supply of clonazepam (120 tablets) and within the first day I got prescribed I had already taken 80 pills. I went back to the doctor again saying I lost my medication and got another month's supply which I've already ate 20 pills. I have 5 more slabs (10 pills each) remaining and I have strong fear it'll all finish tomorrow
 
Generally if you have to ask whether you have a mental addiction to something, you do. Be thankful you don't have a physical addiction to benzos. But generally a mental addiction you give free reign will eventually lead to increased rate of usage and physical dependence.
 
Sytryan said:
I now know for a fact that I really do have an issue with benzos. My doctor prescribed 2 months supply of clonazepam (120 tablets) and within the first day I got prescribed I had already taken 80 pills. I went back to the doctor again saying I lost my medication and got another month's supply which I've already ate 20 pills. I have 5 more slabs (10 pills each) remaining and I have strong fear it'll all finish tomorrow
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You should consider taking steps to stop, whether that be therapy, meetings, lifestyle changes, whatever it takes.

I say this because in the beginning of the thread you were talking about eating up only small scripts, but now here you have run through much more (3 months worth) in a very short time. It sounds like things are escalating?

You haven't experienced physical dependence yet, it seems, but if you continue like this then you will. Once that happens then this problem is going to feel a million times worse. Benzo withdrawals are absolutely horrible, like hell on earth/wish you were dead kinda bad. And the withdrawals can be life threatening...

Good luck, there are a lot of good people here if you need support and/or a place just to talk freely.
 
I’ve been seeing an addiction psychologist and was upfront about with this. Have been going back to NA meetings as I find it helps me out of my insanity.

the problem is, when I have a 50,60 or even a 100 pills, like an alcoholic, once a pill is popped I pop the others like no business as if it’s normal and looking back, it’s crazy.

I feel like the other part is like Venom. It creeps up and then takes over.

I’ll definitely stay in touch with you guys here because if not, I know for a fact that I’ll be well on my towards physical addiction as well.
 
That's a commonly reported problem with benzos - some people suffer from compulsions to redose, and when combined with the lower inhibitions that benzos cause, it's not unusual for people to have this problem eating their entire stash in one sitting.

I don't know if you've ever spent time reading around here or in drug related subreddits but there are a bunch of people with very similar stories. The scary part is that a number of these stories end in disaster - people get horribly addicted or 'come to' after blacking out and finding themselves in jail or having gotten in car accidents while driving or making a complete fool of themselves in front of friends/family or whatever.

I apologize for stating the obvious but I think the key to fixing this problem is going to be by not taking that first pill in the first place. Essentially total abstinence is probably required. It is unlikely you will ever get control of the substance where you can appropriately dose, instead you're likely gonna need to work on avoiding it completely. That will likely mean figuring out what is triggering your desire to use and then finding coping mechanisms.

Hopefully you and your addiction psychologist make progress. If not you may need to find another one and/or an alternate form of help.

I have a similar problem controlling stimulants. When I use them I cannot control my use. I always start with a little, intending not to go crazy but as soon as I get high my intentions change and I find myself redosing completely out of control. What helped me was finding hobbies that I could focus on instead of getting high on stimulants. It took a lot of work/time and I messed up a bunch in the beginning but I eventually stopped using and got my life back on track.
 
Short answer: Yes you probably do. And a physical one if you aren't careful. As others have said in response to your question, anyone who's had a benzo addiction (such as myself) will assure you that taking those pills only ever ends one way. And it's a nasty ending. Taper off steadily, avoid caffeine, and good luck.
 
The repetition of what is factually known to be a hufe mistake -> addiction. Throwing away your self-worth to prostrate yourself in front of prescribers for scripts you both know were prob taken -> addiction.

You have unfortunately ended up in hospital, welfare checks, doctor shopping, lies, disappointment, degradation. Repeat.

As these self-worth-eroding behaviors continue, those Benzo scripts become more and more valuable. You are dealing with more and more negative consequence. You will naturally need more pills.

No judgement. I have been there. Most of us have. I want to give you a wake up call. This is a house of cards youre living in. Do yourself a favor and escape instead of adding more cards.

We all make mistakes, but you have the benefit of potentially turning it around before the shit hits the fan.

There are plenty of other effective drugs for treating anxiety. They are not magic bullets like Benzo's, but tgey can work and work long-term. To name a few:

Clonidine (Catapres)

Pregabalin (Lyrica)

Gabapentin (Neurontin)
 
I am considering going to rehab and detox as the mental withdrawals are bad.

Though I’ve been attending NA meetings more frequently now and the old timers have been really warm.

a few times when I was high on pills and drinking, met this one gang dude who just got released from prison for murder and told me to not waste my life with all this shit and make something out of it.

also I can relate to everything you just mentioned above...
 
I will definitely be checking into rehab. Stole a family member’s jewellery, Pawned it and got 200 bucks.

saw3 differentDoctors today and got another 120 pills of Clonazepam.

it’s like Carnage. I can’t control it and need help
 
Wow, yeah, you certainly have a serious problem. I don't want to make you feel bad, that is not my intention with this statememt, but just to put it into perspective... I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, went $40,000 into debt (credit cards/loans), wanted to die, etc... and I never stole anything from a friend or family member. You absolutely should check yourself into rehab.

I think accountability is the important thing now. It might benefit you to tell your friends and family about your problem, and tell them you're going to rehab. When you keep something secret, it's much easier to convince yourself you can control it. The guilt also eats you up inside. If you're serious about this, it might help you to hold yourself accountable if you know that people know you're intending to help yourself.

Life will be better once you can get past this and not have to deal with this monkey on your back that is causing you to behave in ways that make you feel bad about yourself.
 
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