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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Do I have a mental dependency to Benzos or am I just overthinking?

Dude, if you feel comfortable giving us some information, myself and others will most definitely bust our asses to try to find you something. I'm not a mental health counselor, but this sort of thing strikes me more as a "crisis" situation with elements of addiction intertwined. I don't know what exactly is going on, but I'm sure you're in some shit if you feel the compulsion to numb yourself so completely and repeatedly.

You can post here, private message us, you can even call me if you want. I'm just not sure what time zones we are in respectively. We are all here to help!
 
Xorkoth said:
Wow, yeah, you certainly have a serious problem. I don't want to make you feel bad, that is not my intention with this statememt, but just to put it into perspective... I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, went $40,000 into debt (credit cards/loans), wanted to die, etc... and I never stole anything from a friend or family member. You absolutely should check yourself into rehab.

I think accountability is the important thing now. It might benefit you to tell your friends and family about your problem, and tell them you're going to rehab. When you keep something secret, it's much easier to convince yourself you can control it. The guilt also eats you up inside. If you're serious about this, it might help you to hold yourself accountable if you know that people know you're intending to help yourself.

Life will be better once you can get past this and not have to deal with this monkey on your back that is causing you to behave in ways that make you feel bad about yourself.
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ya bro.
 
Hey guys....So after being in an inpatient detox/rehab facility for 3 weeks for the benzo addiction. Within 2 days upon my discharge I went to the doctor again as the anxiety I was feeling was so fucking out of this world and he prescribed 2 pills of 0.5mg Xanax. It helped with the anxiety but after a while the 'demon' woke up and I began my usual pattern of doctor shopping, stealing & pawning jewellery from home for cash to get as much pills as I can get. My main DOC in benzos seems to be Klonopin. I use valium, Xanax, gabapentin & lexotan to get me through when I don't have Clonazepam but I always return to that drug time and again.

I am heading back to fucking inpatient treatment following week. The good thing is that I have opened up a lot more of my addiction to my family and they are supportive and understanding and I am trying my best to not point any fucking fingers at anyone else because the person responsible for all of this mess is the person in the mirror.

I am terrified of the anxiety I will feel once I have detoxed and am discharged again after 3 weeks to a month. Honestly I am scared but I know I CANNOT go on like this or I'll either end up dying, committing suicide, brain damage and all that other terrifying shit. I've seen benzo addicts in the inpatient treatment and due to the number of years that have taken it, some develop permanent psychosis & hallucinations which is fucking scary.

I WANT to recover. As of now I've given my last stash of klonopin to my family and I take a couple of pills daily to prevent any withdrawals before I get checked into rehab.

Can I recover from this shit (with time of course) and live like a regular person, living life to the fullest and making the most out of my life? I read horror stories of people having withdrawals for years after detoxing from benzos.

I admit I am scared...any words from those who have recovered successfully would be greatly appreciated. Please guys.
 
Hmm, so it's people such as the OP that ruin legit bzd scripts for the rest of us then... Oh you're in the UK? I'm surprised the doctor even knew bzds exist :whistle: I'm sorry, just being facetious.

I had to see multiple doctors before one would script me small alpraz doses daily. It's the only thing keeping back the suicidal levels of GI distress I experience most days. And I'm in the US. My state even enacted a registry, every time I get a scheduled drug they cross-reference the system to be sure I haven't been 'shopping'.

They're very moreish drugs if you let them be so... I feel for you OP. I'm in love with BZDs they seem to answer all my health problems with a resounding "fuck off' to my GI pain. I can't foresee a day when I'm free of this dependence but I accepted it... and also started stashing RC bzds in case of emergencies.
 
I like in Asia where private doctors don't have access to check if I have been doctor shopping hence I have always avoided government hospitals and centers as they can track.

Sure I love Klonopin too. Having a hot black coffee with 10 klonopin and a cigarette feels awesome but can't live like this no more. The drugs are consuming my life slowly. Everything else is slowly going into the background. It's almost the pills become my higher power..which is fucked up.
 
Sytryan said:
Sure I love Klonopin too. Having a hot black coffee with 10 klonopin and a cigarette feels awesome but can't live like this no more. The drugs are consuming my life slowly. Everything else is slowly going into the background. It's almost the pills become my higher power..which is fucked up.
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I wish you luck, mate... even I don't dose that high very often with bzds. Maybe the random 5mg of alpraz day but usually at the end of an acid trip. This may be something you'll want to have a doctor's help with, they can help you taper and are legally (?) obligated to help you as cold-turkeying something like a bzd can lead to seizures and death.
 
I really hope so too. I believe there's a higher power up there watching over and has saved my life on a number of occasions when I should have ODd.
Plus I don't even feel much of a high anymore when I pop that 10 in the morning, it's like a very very mild buzz that's it. I need to take at least 50 pills to feel a decent 'high' with Klonopin.

Fuck man. I have to recover. I can't die...at least not now...
 
I'm rooting for you man.

Clonazepam hasn't as much of a 'high' as some of the other bzds (imo) but I can see why you'd dose 5+mg. I never dose it under 2mg... which is expensive considering most are .5mg pills.
 
Yea even the doctor was surprised that I was hooked on klonopin as he said it's quite unusual. Well..our bodies react differently to different drugs. I've tried Xanax a number of times but never had the obsession to get more of it nor did I really like it despite feeling high.
 
Sytryan said:
Yea even the doctor was surprised that I was hooked on klonopin as he said it's quite unusual. Well..our bodies react differently to different drugs. I've tried Xanax a number of times but never had the obsession to get more of it nor did I really like it despite feeling high.
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They do indeed affect everyone differently.

I hardly get squat from clonazepam in terms of a high or anxiety relief unfortunately, but alpraz is very efficient for me and doesn't make me tired or high at all. I don't drink though either and I think people drinking on alpraz is what gives it a bad rep... it's just medicine to me. When I tell people that I'm on xanax always they seem surprised that I'm not acting a complete fool and even mention I seem more sober than usual lol.
 
Sytryan said:
I have always had an ‘issue’ with Benzos ever since I was first prescribed 3 years back but it was always a one off binge thing e.g doctor would give me 14 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin to last a month and right after the appointment, on my way home, I would take all 14 but after the high wore off, I never needed them.

Then it started as me telling lies to my doctors that I’ve lost my benzos and need a re prescription (I finished my 1st prescription in one go). As of this year, I have started visiting various doctors to get different kinds of Benzos and the main healthcare provider that used to prescribe me clonazepam rarely does as they suspect I abuse the medication, so I came up with another story and am getting prescribed Xanax (usually 14 tabs 0.25mg which I finish within one day).

My main benzodiazepine for now is Bromazepam (10 tabs 1.5mg) and it is supposed to last for 1 week but I finish all in one day as I cannot just take one or two. My tolerance has risen and a few occasions I did some really stupid things like combining Bromazepam with beer and Xanax with Gin, which I know is very dangerous.

Whenever I get my salary, I visit a particular clinic to obtain Xanax (as the dose of Xanax there is the strongest amongst all the clinics I've been to so far) and once again, though its supposed to last me for a while (10 tabs 0.5mg) I take them all in one day as usual and wake up in a haze. To combat that haze, I have 2 regular beers in the morning. Especially after using Xanax (& Klonopin in high doses) I become mentally obsessed with obtaining more Benzos from other doctors.

My main benzodiazepine of choice is still Clonazepam but I’ve noticed my tolerance is way higher than it used to be and I have to take a lot so it doesn't excite me as much as it used to and it's way harder for me to obtain it now.

I stopped benzos for a while after an incident last year where a doctor prescribed me 42 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin supposed to last me for 3 weeks and I took at least 20 in one day, blacked out and took the remaining as well. I then went back the next day and lied to the doctor saying I lost the medication and need another 42 tabs and was given, though they were suspicious. So I took another 20 tabs of Klonopin and remember ringing up my counsellor and blabbering about me wanting to end my life etc and 4 cops immediately showed up in my home. Since my medication is prescribed and legal, they couldn't do much but advised me not to take that many and left quickly. After that event, I was off benzos for a good 6-7 months.

I do not have physical withdrawals and don’t drink alcohol much, in fact I used to attend AA in the past but found that alcohol isn’t much of an issue for me and I don’t enjoy it or obsess over it like Benzos.

For those who have struggled with benzodiazepine addiction, do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs? Right now, I have to go and get a prescription of Bromazepam once a week and I finish them all in one day and the rest of the week I am clean. I can't afford to get Xanax regularly due to the suspicion and if I am really craving benzos but can't get my hands on some, I drink a couple of beers but it never satisfies me nor do I really enjoy it - the puking, hangovers etc.

I do have a history of depression & my psych diagnosed me with borderline PD after couple of months of observation though I can say I have grown out out of some of my BPD traits, they are still there. I have taken up lots of volunteer work, I love animals so I do help out at a dog shelter every weekend and am also a wildlife rescue volunteer officer in the weekends.

I really need some guidance as I can observe my memory being not as sharp as it used to be and I am only 22! When I am on Xanax or high doses of Klonopin, I become very impulsive and spend my money like there's no tomorrow or decide to go benzo shopping with different doctors.

I'll be frank - I just got a prescription of 14tabs of 0.25mg Xanax today from the doctor and have already taken 10 but don't feel much.
Click to expand...


KLONOPIN - for me one of the worst benzos ever. It's just anticonvulsing, nothing else. You should be careful with Grand-Mal-Seizures - things iike that happen when your'e getting of Klonopin too fast. Talk to your doctor - he will for sure help you to taper off
Sytryan said:
I have always had an ‘issue’ with Benzos ever since I was first prescribed 3 years back but it was always a one off binge thing e.g doctor would give me 14 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin to last a month and right after the appointment, on my way home, I would take all 14 but after the high wore off, I never needed them.

Then it started as me telling lies to my doctors that I’ve lost my benzos and need a re prescription (I finished my 1st prescription in one go). As of this year, I have started visiting various doctors to get different kinds of Benzos and the main healthcare provider that used to prescribe me clonazepam rarely does as they suspect I abuse the medication, so I came up with another story and am getting prescribed Xanax (usually 14 tabs 0.25mg which I finish within one day).

My main benzodiazepine for now is Bromazepam (10 tabs 1.5mg) and it is supposed to last for 1 week but I finish all in one day as I cannot just take one or two. My tolerance has risen and a few occasions I did some really stupid things like combining Bromazepam with beer and Xanax with Gin, which I know is very dangerous.

Whenever I get my salary, I visit a particular clinic to obtain Xanax (as the dose of Xanax there is the strongest amongst all the clinics I've been to so far) and once again, though its supposed to last me for a while (10 tabs 0.5mg) I take them all in one day as usual and wake up in a haze. To combat that haze, I have 2 regular beers in the morning. Especially after using Xanax (& Klonopin in high doses) I become mentally obsessed with obtaining more Benzos from other doctors.

My main benzodiazepine of choice is still Clonazepam but I’ve noticed my tolerance is way higher than it used to be and I have to take a lot so it doesn't excite me as much as it used to and it's way harder for me to obtain it now.

I stopped benzos for a while after an incident last year where a doctor prescribed me 42 tabs of 0.5mg Klonopin supposed to last me for 3 weeks and I took at least 20 in one day, blacked out and took the remaining as well. I then went back the next day and lied to the doctor saying I lost the medication and need another 42 tabs and was given, though they were suspicious. So I took another 20 tabs of Klonopin and remember ringing up my counsellor and blabbering about me wanting to end my life etc and 4 cops immediately showed up in my home. Since my medication is prescribed and legal, they couldn't do much but advised me not to take that many and left quickly. After that event, I was off benzos for a good 6-7 months.

I do not have physical withdrawals and don’t drink alcohol much, in fact I used to attend AA in the past but found that alcohol isn’t much of an issue for me and I don’t enjoy it or obsess over it like Benzos.

For those who have struggled with benzodiazepine addiction, do you think I am possibly mentally addicted to the drugs? Right now, I have to go and get a prescription of Bromazepam once a week and I finish them all in one day and the rest of the week I am clean. I can't afford to get Xanax regularly due to the suspicion and if I am really craving benzos but can't get my hands on some, I drink a couple of beers but it never satisfies me nor do I really enjoy it - the puking, hangovers etc.

I do have a history of depression & my psych diagnosed me with borderline PD after couple of months of observation though I can say I have grown out out of some of my BPD traits, they are still there. I have taken up lots of volunteer work, I love animals so I do help out at a dog shelter every weekend and am also a wildlife rescue volunteer officer in the weekends.

I really need some guidance as I can observe my memory being not as sharp as it used to be and I am only 22! When I am on Xanax or high doses of Klonopin, I become very impulsive and spend my money like there's no tomorrow or decide to go benzo shopping with different doctors.

I'll be frank - I just got a prescription of 14tabs of 0.25mg Xanax today from the doctor and have already taken 10 but don't feel much.
Click to expand...

Hi,

of course you don't feel much. Look at your consume above!

Benzo Beast
 
Buddha help you?

Jesus bless you?

Krishna heal you?

Brother Lord have mercy and may the recovery powers that be save you before it is too late

The more I read in this the more scary it got.

Science can heal addiction too I guess.

I would say a prayer as someone here said for me the other day but buddy I gotta enough prayin' to do that won't do shit without meditatin' alongside it I am thinking but I hear good things about science (meditation is supported by scientific studies now) based recovery like SMART however you likely need some kind of intense recovery strategy even if you don't find that in a self-help meeting program.

Rehab cannot really work the recovery plan for you but if you go to the right one for the right price they might be able to help you somewhat if not cure you.

Oh heck I will say a prayer right now but ain't no simple prayers healed my woes yet.

Also saw prayer is supported by science no belief in dogma necessary I guess.
 
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Hey guys, so I was discharged from the detox/rehab centre I went to in my country after completing the 14 day programme- The 1st week is to deal with the acute withdrawals and the 2nd week has classes regarding addiction, relapse prevention etc and it was alright.

I am trying to take it one day at a time (was discharged earlier this Monday, 6/4/20) and have been attending online NA meetings via Zoom due to the covid situation..

However, I have noticed a persistent low mood that is quite unbearable on some day and not 'too bad' on other days and I'm hoping this feeling will get better soon over time - is this normal to experience?

Of course, a part of me did have the slight urge to go out and get them pills but I shared it in a meeting and with my temporary sponsor and for that day it felt much lighter. However with this low mood shit, I find that I have nearly no motivation, drive, discipline and I just want to isolate myself from the world and numb my emotions via other non-substance behaviours. One thing I am finally convinced in is that, when I start using I eventually tend to lose and it has been evident each and every time and the amount of use had also sky rocketed.
 
Cream Gravy? said:
Hmm, so it's people such as the OP that ruin legit bzd scripts for the rest of us then... Oh you're in the UK? I'm surprised the doctor even knew bzds exist :whistle: I'm sorry, just being facetious.

I had to see multiple doctors before one would script me small alpraz doses daily. It's the only thing keeping back the suicidal levels of GI distress I experience most days. And I'm in the US. My state even enacted a registry, every time I get a scheduled drug they cross-reference the system to be sure I haven't been 'shopping'.

They're very moreish drugs if you let them be so... I feel for you OP. I'm in love with BZDs they seem to answer all my health problems with a resounding "fuck off' to my GI pain. I can't foresee a day when I'm free of this dependence but I accepted it... and also started stashing RC bzds in case of emergencies.
Click to expand...

I totally agree and resonate with what you mentioned here - especially the last paragraph. There was a time when 10 klonopin pills was considered 'a lot' by me and now 40-50/day feels very 'normal' and later on I too started to use it for other health issues - a couple of days back before I was admitted to rehab this time round, I ate something which caused a severe allergic reaction & lucky I had my epi pen with me so that saved me but my buddy called the ambulance nonetheless. I still remember desperately searching my bag to pop 2 klonopin pills before running towards the ambulance. After which I was admitted in a hospital for a couple of hours for observation & I popped another 10 which I had with me, when no one was looking and asked the E-room Dr who attended to me for a prescription even though I knew they wouldn't give. At that moment, I wasn't concerned about the allergy even though in the past once I nearly died from anaphylaxis.

I can't stop when I start eating and when I finish it feels so good that more is needed.
 
You should be extremely grateful you only experienced a low mood and have somehow not gotten yourself horribly physically addicted. With that said, you clearly need to work out recovery plan with a professional. Based on the behavior you're talking about I don't think you'll be able to beat it on your own, at least not at this point. You've honestly gotten off light so far, but that won't be the case if you wind up getting physically addicted and develop a high tolerance.
 
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A very close friend of mine had a problem with a severe benzodiazepine dependency in his younger years. I believe his DOCs were temazepam first and foremost, then alprazolam, then etizolam. He has an immense feeling of regret when he reflects on the 3-4 year period where he has no memories of anything whatsoever. During his BZD addiction, he was doing all sorts of dumb shit, no doubt aided by the inhibition-reducing effects of BZDs - including but not limited to: forging prescriptions for absurd amounts of controlled substances (I believe he told me he did a script for 300 ct 30mg temazepam, 300ct 10mg ritalin, and 180ct Adderall 30s., made several duplicates, and attempted to fill them... and he got away with it for a little while too, until his MD got in touch and told him he was no longer considered a patient in his care, threatening legal sanctions, and to this day he has great difficulty filing the simplest of Rxes... they must be checked manually and can only be dispensed at ONE pharmacy, of his choice, which cannot be changed too often.) When the pharmaceutical BZDs ran out he turned to the darknet to purchase bulk alprazolam powder, supposedly pinched from stock at a compounding plant, or etizolam: depending on the price.

He eventually managed to get his shit together and execute an incredibly rapid diazepam taper, which liberated him from the daily requirement to be pumped full of sedatives. Unfortunately his asocial, paranoid habits developed over years of drug use and isolation, plus the withdrawal effects/PAWS from a severe and long BZD addiction, rendered him a bit of a hikkikomori - he didn't feel comfortable socializing or going into public. Over time he learned to deal with his fears and became a more functional person, thankfully. Goes to show that no dependency, no matter how big is too much to handle.
 
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