Thank you so much for this. I am getting over a wonderful live music halloween festival in norcal right now. I haven't rolled in a few months and went to town on some tested high quality mdma for 3 days. Yikies! I feel physically good although I have the super sads and my confidence is quite lacking. I would feel strange even without the drugs but the MDMA enhances that weirdo season change feeling, and I am concentrating on the negative much too much. I recognize that though so the recognition helps with the DR/DP. I am having some strange sleep paralysis, thats usual, I remember them from the days of heavy use. The internet helps with the DP/DR but also kind of causes it, unsure. Addicted to talking to festive friends on social media. Easily distracted and overly emotional. I fucked up, I didn't need to do that much. The music does so much for us without help.
Here is a song that reminds me of your post Northern Lights, its my usual fall festival comedown song that makes me cry and feel better. Stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CTBOskmXaE
It kinda sucks that something that appears sooo wonderful on the surface can come with so much extra baggage long term. In some ways I wish I could go back to that first festival where I had an amazing roll and an even better candy flip the following day. It was just so carefree and all that it felt nothing could have possibly gone wrong. But the mindset that exists today is just so much more full of wisdom and responsibility that I will refuse to partake in such behaviors in the fear of recreating that nightmare once again. Besides, my mind is so sharp and I have such a clearer direction in life that it feels like I am on the brink of making something of myself that my family, friends, peers, and I will be proud of.
Some people recover from the it and are able to proceed as they did before with a much more cautious and responsible approach (taking less, spacing out, etc.), some like myself recover but know they can never jump back into the old habits, and some never escape that lifestyle, and continue to chase that perception of nirvana as it slowly destroys their nervous system. The latter relates to one of my best friends from over the last 3 years (let's call him
A for this discussion).
A has done so much over this last year - nBOMEs (25i, c, and b), dirty untested "molly," ecstasy pills from strangers, coke, uppers, benzos, muscle relaxers, other unclean psychedelics and phenethylamine type substances, and even cocktails including but not limited to some of these before mentioned substances - and continues to do these things at a rate that he is completely 100% losing his mind. Not minor changes, but major changes. In fact, one of our buddies whom I helped sober up from rolling entirely called me for the first time in over a month saying that
A has completely lost his mind and "Gone total AWOL", tripping so hard on last thursday or friday saying that he felt nothing, and nothingness was nirvanna. Worst part was, apparently
A stocked up on a shit ton more molly and other drugs after all of this.
A is a phenomenal classical guitar player, and his playing of Bach's Prelude in C Minor saved my first trip and made it go from a very weird and confusing experience to a beautiful, colorful, and incredibly deep and insightful afterglow that was incomparable to any drug experiences that I have had since (the very shadows of experiences that I chased for some time). While
A used to love playing his guitar and doing music, now he has told me numerous times that he wants to do nothing because enjoyment is empty and life is purposeless, and continues to ask my opinion on doing different drugs even though anyone who knows me now understands that I reject all substance use and abuse regardless of the circumstance. Though many do mock and ridicule it, that position doesn't change because I prefer that nobody goes through what I have continued to go through for this last year.
I have been able to help lots of people change their entire life choices like myself to promote a healthier, happy life to where I am pretty confident in my ability to do so with many people. At least, I can say the right things to make many people reconsider their lifestyle choices and make a further evaluation. I guess my best childhood friend getting hooked on the needles almost a decade ago when we were about 13-14 helped shape this persona, even though I had to experiment in the party lifestyle years later for about a year to understand it myself. In
A's scenario, I think it is beyond my saving. I have tried and tried again since I decided to change my lifestyle choices a year ago to help him stop as well, seeing that it was ruining both of our lives. Worst of all, I think that within 2 years,
A will either be sent home from school, go to jail, go to rehab, or worst case scenario, die. It's highly possible that the 2 year window is being to generous. I hate to say it, but anything extreme in that regard seems like a legitimate scenario due to the fact that he won't stop, and continues to push his limits above and beyond. I know I'm beating the dead horse with these Hunter S Thompson quotes, one of my absolute favorites is this one - "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." While many of us here on BL (myself included) have crossed over the line, we did it in a fashion where we eased into it, or did it simply by being too irrational and irresponsible one time. That made it easy to recover with minimal consequences, as we had just barely poked over that line of sanity that we were able to start our journeys to recovery pretty quickly.
A on the other hand, is on that line right now and I can see it with the way he is acting, behaving, and thinking. Worst part is that there is no end in sight for how far he is going to he is not just going to walk through that door, he is going to blow it's hinges straight off, and nose dive into oblivion. And it is on the verge of happening, like a ticking time bomb (or as they say, "caught in the eye of the storm"). It's sad, but it's the first scenario where I do not know what anyone can do to save him. I have always been comfortable saying that people often need to cross that line to understand the emotional consequences of this lifestyle, and after crossing that line, it is fairly easy to make the adjustments to begin climbing back over to recovery. He is the first person I know personally whom I worry that crossing that line will be the last thing he ever does. It feels like his fate is solely in his hands now, and it feels like me and many others are close to losing a good friend.
Excuse any grammatical errors, it's really late and I went through and added things to this about 4 or 5 times without looking for any possible grammar mistakes. I will go through it again and fix it when I have had some rest. I also know I went extremely off topic from the post I included above, so I will reply to that by saying keep up the healthy behavior, and just know that you can pull out of it. The length, speed, and amount of recovery solely relies on a continued effort of living a healthy lifestyle, and not allowing the bad feelings get to you, as hard as it may be. There was a time where I was looking up "permanent damage from MDMA" every day for a month or two until I decided to join BL and get that reassurance for myself. So fight against that urge to self-diagnose yourself and just believe that it will get better. Google is not always your friend in this scenario. If you ever end up that worried, see a doctor. I had a terrible 8 hour long anxiety attack once last year that I went to a doctor and had a full EKG done because I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was all in my head, and my heart was as healthy as it ever has been. I did have a pretty bad vitamin D deficiency however, but staying in the sun and supplements can fix that in no time. Our bodies are incredible at recovering, and the fact that you are on here typing in a coherent matter shows me that that there is no damage to your nervous system that is anywhere near permanent (if any damage at all). Just hang in there bud. For all you know, you could be back to normal in less than a month from now.