• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!
  • MDMA Moderators:

depersonilization.... Describe yours

im trying melatonin + buspirone, i think this combination makes a HUGE change in my mood and brain zaps.
 
At the time I thought I had physical damage due to my vision problems, brain fog etc.

Looking back, it was all anxiety. One night of drugs is not enough to cause that level brain damage but one traumatic experience can unleash a ton of anxiety and tie your brain in a knot.

Also, you cannot really recover from brain damage. I am 100% back to normal. Anxiety is a real fucker.
 
Dawglaw said:
At the time I thought I had physical damage due to my vision problems, brain fog etc.

Looking back, it was all anxiety. One night of drugs is not enough to cause that level brain damage but one traumatic experience can unleash a ton of anxiety and tie your brain in a knot.

Also, you cannot really recover from brain damage. I am 100% back to normal. Anxiety is a real fucker.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure I agree with this completely. There is absolutely a physical change of brain tissue. I Dont doubt this whatsoever. And yes many people recover from brain damage. Its called neurogenesis or how ever its spelled.

Im pretty sure I'm past the anxiety phase. And accepted everything. So why do I still experience symptoms? Maybe our cases are a bit different. I can't disregard your experience. I just personally can't relate. Maybe when its all said and done I'll have a different perspective
 
How do you know there is brain damage? Have you had a brain scan? Have you been diagnosed by a neurologist?

I was exactly where you were. I refused to believe the GP, the neurologist and my psychiatrist that I did not have brain damage. I told myself that they really dont know what is going on. How could i only be suffering from anxiety when I did not feel anxious at all? Instead i had brain fog, felt like I was in a dream and overall was not mentally sharp therefore it must be brain damage. Especially when I felt normal, took a unknow chemical that fucked with my brain and neurotransmitters and now feel terrible.

By reading a bunch of bullshit online I convinced myself that my brain was seriously damaged. It wasn't. But because I was so sure based on my Internet phd, I took any little symptom and correlated it with brain damage. The more I searched for a cure, the more sure I was that my brain had been damaged.

Through CBT, I was able to lower my guard about finding a cure and obsessing over my DP induced by "brain damage". This included me taking a significant break from BL and a promise that I would stop reading about comedowns online.

I can tell by your posts that you are suffering and are frustrated but I think you need to take a step back and relax. The more you tell yourself you have brain damage, the more you will believe it. I told you this a few months ago: just let go and make the most of your life. The more you obsess, the tighter the knot.

Try CBD, if you still won't believe it go to a neurologist. The bottom line, unless you overheated and lost consciousness, a few recreational doses of MDMA will not cause brain damage. It can trigger anxiety and other mental health issues.
 
Dawglaw said:
How do you know there is brain damage? Have you had a brain scan? Have you been diagnosed by a neurologist?

I was exactly where you were. I refused to believe the GP, the neurologist and my psychiatrist that I did not have brain damage. I told myself that they really dont know what is going on. How could i only be suffering from anxiety when I did not feel anxious at all? Instead i had brain fog, felt like I was in a dream and overall was not mentally sharp therefore it must be brain damage. Especially when I felt normal, took a unknow chemical that fucked with my brain and neurotransmitters and now feel terrible.

By reading a bunch of bullshit online I convinced myself that my brain was seriously damaged. It wasn't. But because I was so sure based on my Internet phd, I took any little symptom and correlated it with brain damage. The more I searched for a cure, the more sure I was that my brain had been damaged.

Through CBT, I was able to lower my guard about finding a cure and obsessing over my DP induced by "brain damage". This included me taking a significant break from BL and a promise that I would stop reading about comedowns online.

I can tell by your posts that you are suffering and are frustrated but I think you need to take a step back and relax. The more you tell yourself you have brain damage, the more you will believe it. I told you this a few months ago: just let go and make the most of your life. The more you obsess, the tighter the knot.

Try CBD, if you still won't believe it go to a neurologist. The bottom line, unless you overheated and lost consciousness, a few recreational doses of MDMA will not cause brain damage. It can trigger anxiety and other mental health issues.
Click to expand...

Well regarding the brain damage we will find out soon. I got a very detailed EEG done last week. And will be receiving test results this Friday. And will be receiving on going treatment with a nuerofeedback team. I'm actually part of an entire recovery program at the moment. I see a therapist and multiple people a week. I do DTB not CTB tho. Its an interesting therapy. I just saw a nutritionist that put me on an entire brain building plan. I see a psychiatrist who believes there was def a change but hard to say exactly what. Everyone keeps using the term injured or hurt my brain. So who knows. I'll see report what i hear back this Friday.
 
PMZ have you read the DP manual? I just finished it and am starting to believe Dawglaw's line of thinking more and more. I can send you a copy if you're interested.
 
A brain scan cannot make a accurate diagnosis of brain damage, the only way to do this is to open your head, take your brain out and chope the tissue in order to get a slice than later with some chemical targets can indicate the position of links and channels between neurons where the neurotransmiter action.
This chemical target use to be radioactive and I dont want to be you if you need this kind of diagnosis.
Sorry for the language skills here.

Brains scans is useful with blood problem induced brain damage or tumors or so...

i think actually we have better diagnosis tools, and they dont have to open your brain, but are REALLY expensive and they are only for research (like mdma toxicity) . It would be cool if they use this machines to check just the unlucky ones not only the whole bunch of users and compare with notdruginduced disorders.
 
Northern LIGHTS said:
I feel like I actually can feel it more than I used to, and have a certain appreciation for it. Whereas before I went to shows and festivals to take drugs and rage, now I do them to enjoy the music, culture, and community. In fact, my first show after stopping the partying altogether was almost immediately after my last "party" so to speak. I saw Rusko a week after my last roll, and I was planning to roll at the show. My buddy and I tested a point out the week before and I just wasn't feeling it, yet my buddy and I picked up 3 points to split at the show. about 2 days before, I decided i was going to stop everything and see how it went. something in the back of my mind told me that it would be a good idea to take a break for once. this was by far the BEST decision i could have made, because I loved the shit out of that show and realized I could enjoy the show just as much without the rolls. I continued this trend and realized that the drugs never made the great shows better. They only made the shitty ones tolerable. It was that moment of realization that i decided that if I needed to take a drug to enjoy a show, the show wasn't worth going to. Of course I've been to several shows I didn't enjoy in the time being, but that was never due to the lack of drugs, that was just due to the lack of performance. Kinda Ironic how the one guy who promotes excessive drug use at his shows and in general is the guy who helped me never use drugs again. I wonder what Rusko would say if I told him that...

Then again, my issues set in over a 3 month period. At that 3rd month I didn't want to do anything but be around people to help take my mind off of things. It was quite an adjustment but today I feel grateful that unlike most of these partiers I see at shows, I am able to enjoy it on a pure level vs. an altered state. However, I do make my own music so that could have something to do with the appreciation. Or maybe it's the other way around. So while I may not have the same energy to rage at 150% for several hours until the sun comes up, I can still enjoy the experience just as much, if not more.

The original focus of live music after all was never drug use, but rather community. Rave culture, Woodstock culture, Harlem Renaissance, or whatever. It was all focused on an open, accepting community. Accepting people for their differences in opinion, and don't mock or ridicule those you disagree with or stick out like a nail, and work together to help each other through the struggles of life. The partiers are only attracted to this culture due to a very appealing environment to get fucked up and be ignorant to life itself. Who doesn't want to go to a show and be fucked up and join the cuddle puddle? I once did, as did many people. While some of the partygoers never change and always just pop drugs whenever they can, others experience the feeling of community, and only want to experience that. While the community/culture people do take drugs and get fucked up, that is not the focus for these people. There focus is on experiencing something special with everyone else. I have had very meaningful conversations about each other's lives with these people, even with those I had never met beforehand. As far as the partiers go the only conversation that persists is how fucked up they are and how much drugs they got their hands on or did in the past. I usually don't try to associate with unless it's trying to ease their experience when things are going rough (took too much, feeling the fear, etc). While many of people who I once considered friends mock my opinions by saying things like "Oh I don't need your fucking anti-drug bullshit" I simply stop associating with them. My approach is simply to raise awareness and help people understand that it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to take care of our nervous systems due to the fact that it is very easy to destroy them, and very difficult to fix. We only get one, so we should do our best to take care of the most precious aspect of life itself. Like the common understanding of "crossing the line"... Very easy to cross that line, and once you do, you know it immediately; however, crossing back over that line to recovery takes a much longer, much more strenuous journey than it is the other way around. But many people have done this, especially bluelighters, and I think we can all agree that this journey back makes us stronger people, and gives us a stronger appreciation to be alive and have each other even through the hardships, which can be a legitimate feeling of hell on earth. Even Hunter S. Thompson once said, "who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” So basically, just be grateful for your experience because while there is nothing you can do about it, it will make you a stronger person in the end. I'm not saying to try to cross that line, as I think you should never even do it in the first place. I'm just saying that if you have, look upon that experience with optimism, saying that you braved the storm and actually care about becoming a stronger person and not taking life itself for granted.

Just relax, and enjoy the ride. Life is about the ups and downs, and about being difficult versus easy. Anyone can be ignorant and enjoy life. Not everyone can face their hardships and fears and still be optimistic about the days to come. Ignorance is bliss as they say, but I believe that God wants us to struggle and be AWARE as much as we can, so that we are able to appreciate every experience we come across, rather than brush off everything and take it for granted.

Sorry for the rambling, I sometimes get in these modes where I can't shut up. Best of luck mate :)
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for this. I am getting over a wonderful live music halloween festival in norcal right now. I haven't rolled in a few months and went to town on some tested high quality mdma for 3 days. Yikies! I feel physically good although I have the super sads and my confidence is quite lacking. I would feel strange even without the drugs but the MDMA enhances that weirdo season change feeling, and I am concentrating on the negative much too much. I recognize that though so the recognition helps with the DR/DP. I am having some strange sleep paralysis, thats usual, I remember them from the days of heavy use. The internet helps with the DP/DR but also kind of causes it, unsure. Addicted to talking to festive friends on social media. Easily distracted and overly emotional. I fucked up, I didn't need to do that much. The music does so much for us without help.

Here is a song that reminds me of your post Northern Lights, its my usual fall festival comedown song that makes me cry and feel better. Stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CTBOskmXaE
 
Rebubula said:
Thank you so much for this. I am getting over a wonderful live music halloween festival in norcal right now. I haven't rolled in a few months and went to town on some tested high quality mdma for 3 days. Yikies! I feel physically good although I have the super sads and my confidence is quite lacking. I would feel strange even without the drugs but the MDMA enhances that weirdo season change feeling, and I am concentrating on the negative much too much. I recognize that though so the recognition helps with the DR/DP. I am having some strange sleep paralysis, thats usual, I remember them from the days of heavy use. The internet helps with the DP/DR but also kind of causes it, unsure. Addicted to talking to festive friends on social media. Easily distracted and overly emotional. I fucked up, I didn't need to do that much. The music does so much for us without help.

Here is a song that reminds me of your post Northern Lights, its my usual fall festival comedown song that makes me cry and feel better. Stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CTBOskmXaE
Click to expand...

It kinda sucks that something that appears sooo wonderful on the surface can come with so much extra baggage long term. In some ways I wish I could go back to that first festival where I had an amazing roll and an even better candy flip the following day. It was just so carefree and all that it felt nothing could have possibly gone wrong. But the mindset that exists today is just so much more full of wisdom and responsibility that I will refuse to partake in such behaviors in the fear of recreating that nightmare once again. Besides, my mind is so sharp and I have such a clearer direction in life that it feels like I am on the brink of making something of myself that my family, friends, peers, and I will be proud of.

Some people recover from the it and are able to proceed as they did before with a much more cautious and responsible approach (taking less, spacing out, etc.), some like myself recover but know they can never jump back into the old habits, and some never escape that lifestyle, and continue to chase that perception of nirvana as it slowly destroys their nervous system. The latter relates to one of my best friends from over the last 3 years (let's call him A for this discussion). A has done so much over this last year - nBOMEs (25i, c, and b), dirty untested "molly," ecstasy pills from strangers, coke, uppers, benzos, muscle relaxers, other unclean psychedelics and phenethylamine type substances, and even cocktails including but not limited to some of these before mentioned substances - and continues to do these things at a rate that he is completely 100% losing his mind. Not minor changes, but major changes. In fact, one of our buddies whom I helped sober up from rolling entirely called me for the first time in over a month saying that A has completely lost his mind and "Gone total AWOL", tripping so hard on last thursday or friday saying that he felt nothing, and nothingness was nirvanna. Worst part was, apparently A stocked up on a shit ton more molly and other drugs after all of this. A is a phenomenal classical guitar player, and his playing of Bach's Prelude in C Minor saved my first trip and made it go from a very weird and confusing experience to a beautiful, colorful, and incredibly deep and insightful afterglow that was incomparable to any drug experiences that I have had since (the very shadows of experiences that I chased for some time). While A used to love playing his guitar and doing music, now he has told me numerous times that he wants to do nothing because enjoyment is empty and life is purposeless, and continues to ask my opinion on doing different drugs even though anyone who knows me now understands that I reject all substance use and abuse regardless of the circumstance. Though many do mock and ridicule it, that position doesn't change because I prefer that nobody goes through what I have continued to go through for this last year.

I have been able to help lots of people change their entire life choices like myself to promote a healthier, happy life to where I am pretty confident in my ability to do so with many people. At least, I can say the right things to make many people reconsider their lifestyle choices and make a further evaluation. I guess my best childhood friend getting hooked on the needles almost a decade ago when we were about 13-14 helped shape this persona, even though I had to experiment in the party lifestyle years later for about a year to understand it myself. In A's scenario, I think it is beyond my saving. I have tried and tried again since I decided to change my lifestyle choices a year ago to help him stop as well, seeing that it was ruining both of our lives. Worst of all, I think that within 2 years, A will either be sent home from school, go to jail, go to rehab, or worst case scenario, die. It's highly possible that the 2 year window is being to generous. I hate to say it, but anything extreme in that regard seems like a legitimate scenario due to the fact that he won't stop, and continues to push his limits above and beyond. I know I'm beating the dead horse with these Hunter S Thompson quotes, one of my absolute favorites is this one - "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." While many of us here on BL (myself included) have crossed over the line, we did it in a fashion where we eased into it, or did it simply by being too irrational and irresponsible one time. That made it easy to recover with minimal consequences, as we had just barely poked over that line of sanity that we were able to start our journeys to recovery pretty quickly. A on the other hand, is on that line right now and I can see it with the way he is acting, behaving, and thinking. Worst part is that there is no end in sight for how far he is going to he is not just going to walk through that door, he is going to blow it's hinges straight off, and nose dive into oblivion. And it is on the verge of happening, like a ticking time bomb (or as they say, "caught in the eye of the storm"). It's sad, but it's the first scenario where I do not know what anyone can do to save him. I have always been comfortable saying that people often need to cross that line to understand the emotional consequences of this lifestyle, and after crossing that line, it is fairly easy to make the adjustments to begin climbing back over to recovery. He is the first person I know personally whom I worry that crossing that line will be the last thing he ever does. It feels like his fate is solely in his hands now, and it feels like me and many others are close to losing a good friend.

Excuse any grammatical errors, it's really late and I went through and added things to this about 4 or 5 times without looking for any possible grammar mistakes. I will go through it again and fix it when I have had some rest. I also know I went extremely off topic from the post I included above, so I will reply to that by saying keep up the healthy behavior, and just know that you can pull out of it. The length, speed, and amount of recovery solely relies on a continued effort of living a healthy lifestyle, and not allowing the bad feelings get to you, as hard as it may be. There was a time where I was looking up "permanent damage from MDMA" every day for a month or two until I decided to join BL and get that reassurance for myself. So fight against that urge to self-diagnose yourself and just believe that it will get better. Google is not always your friend in this scenario. If you ever end up that worried, see a doctor. I had a terrible 8 hour long anxiety attack once last year that I went to a doctor and had a full EKG done because I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out it was all in my head, and my heart was as healthy as it ever has been. I did have a pretty bad vitamin D deficiency however, but staying in the sun and supplements can fix that in no time. Our bodies are incredible at recovering, and the fact that you are on here typing in a coherent matter shows me that that there is no damage to your nervous system that is anywhere near permanent (if any damage at all). Just hang in there bud. For all you know, you could be back to normal in less than a month from now.
 
Last edited:
Thanks northern. Shit is just annoying feeling so numb and unexcited. Like I fucking love paint ball. Why would I be so lethargic to the idea of getting to playing it for free. One day at a time. I'm just forced my self to walk 2 miles to the gym. I do this a few times a week now

So do u ever think it might be possible to trip again. Kinda bothers me to think I can never eat mushrooms again. That was always so beautiful for me. I guess time will tell. Can't worry about that now
 
pmz said:
Thanks northern. Shit is just annoying feeling so numb and unexcited. Like I fucking love paint ball. Why would I be so lethargic to the idea of getting to playing it for free. One day at a time. I'm just forced my self to walk 2 miles to the gym. I do this a few times a week now

So do u ever think it might be possible to trip again. Kinda bothers me to think I can never eat mushrooms again. That was always so beautiful for me. I guess time will tell. Can't worry about that now
Click to expand...

Of course it's possible but I'm not gonna make that call for you. Just make sure that if you do it, you are 100% certain that you wanna do it. If there is even the slightest question in doing so I would advise against it. I remember at one point last year about 5 months after my last roll I was considering doing it again for a show. I was like 95% certain 3 days before, however, I realized during a walk back home that I still had crazy bruxism which likely meant I had high anxiety at the time. So that slight questioning stopped me from doing it at all. Haven't really had the desire to do it again since. My head just isn't in that party mode anymore. I guess that makes my decision making pretty easy.
 
Northern LIGHTS said:
Of course it's possible but I'm not gonna make that call for you. Just make sure that if you do it, you are 100% certain that you wanna do it. If there is even the slightest question in doing so I would advise against it. I remember at one point last year about 5 months after my last roll I was considering doing it again for a show. I was like 95% certain 3 days before, however, I realized during a walk back home that I still had crazy bruxism which likely meant I had high anxiety at the time. So that slight questioning stopped me from doing it at all. Haven't really had the desire to do it again since. My head just isn't in that party mode anymore. I guess that makes my decision making pretty easy.
Click to expand...

Yeah I understand. I don't plan on doing anything for a while

So u said ur not in party mode anymore. Can u still have fun at shows or are u just not into them anymore. My hardest struggle is that excitement factor about shows and music. Afraid not to get that back. But I'll see



On another note. I got my EEG results back. He said I do not show any patterns of anxiety which I thought was interesting. Yet I dont have the anxiety I originally had months ago.

He was actually pretty happy with my overall results on the test. And said I'm not all that far from normal patients. And show more signs of ADD than anything else.

The interesting thing he said of I remember correctly is that I show more patterns of someone who has ADD. He said typically patients have 2 sites in the brain showings patterns of ADD on the wave lengths. I show having 4. So its possible that the extra sites might be causing the symptoms I'm feeling.

Brain damage or not is not possible to tell be cause there was no before and after test. Only after

He also said due to the wavelengths a lot of theta meaning my brain is running on a lower "idol" than typical could also attribute to the fogginess and loss of certain emotional regulation.

I will be doing a series of neurofeedback sessions twice a week for the next few months. The doctor said be believes he can up the "idol" or wavelengths in carious portions of my brain to try to mitigate the symptoms I'm experiencing.

He has high success with reducing anxiety, depression, insomnia, and ADD in his patients.


===From the report===
"summary of findings

The qualitative EEG spectral analysis indicated a typical frequency maxima distribution due to the diffuse presence of delta across the cortex and theta atypically localized to the central and occipital sites. Additionally alpha extends into the central and frontal sites. The posterior dominant rhythm is in the 8-10 hz range. The theta/beta power ratio at site cz in the eyes closed condition is 5.0. The alpha/beta power ratio in the occipital cortex is 10. Normative database comparison analysis indicate delta and theta noted with maximal deviations in the left frontal cortex. There are maximal increases of theta and alpha noted in the occitital and central midline sites. There are no clinically significant asymmetries noted.

==Interpretation of findings==
The atypical localization and diffuse presence of slow frequency activity may contribute to decreased cognitive processing abilities, sensory integration defects, difficult with attention and maintenance of arousal. The presence of alpha extending into the central and frontal sites are a reflection of cortical idling and may contribute for decreased ability for decision making and planning. Although it is not a diagnostic, the theta/ beta power ratios at site cz in the eyes closed condition in excess of 3.0 are suggestive of the presence of an attention and or cognitive processing defect. The theta/beta power ratio increasing in the eyes open condition suggest that the client may have additional difficulties when engaging in challenging task. Findings of increased alpha and theta in the central and occipital sites compares to normative population may further contribute to the reported defects in attention and processing which may contribute to the panic anxiety and sleep dysregulation, particularly die to feelings of overwhelmedness and inability to officially process incoming sensory information. "

First bad comedown. You would love this one.
 
I can still enjoy shows when they are good, but the shitty ones are just extra shitty now. That was one thing that the partying helped with, making shitty shows awesome. It's just a matter of replacing the excitement factor with going to shows vs. doing drugs. Of course, the anticipation of rolling and especially tripping was incredible when I used to enjoy and partake in such behaviors, but it's also good to be able to have that excitement without the aid of a drug or something of that nature. It takes time getting used to, but eventually it sinks in and feels perfectly normal again. Some people just aren't mentally ready to go through that transition, while others are. In my buddy's situation from the previous post, he's just done so much that the drugs do the thinking for him. He even admitted that it is nothingness when he is on them, yet that nothingness is nirvana. Every social experience, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, has to be aided through excessive consumption of mind altering substances. It's as if all excitement and enjoyment in life such as playing sports, playing music, getting laid, etc... has been replaced with just one thing and one thing only. excessive drug use. but that's peering into the mind of a junky. any of those other things has lost it's appeal already. winning a game isn't exciting anymore, playing music doesn't take you away to a special place anymore, and getting laid doesn't amp you up like a 8 year old kid on christmas eve anymore. food loses it's taste, socializing loses it's importance even though it is one of the most basic forms of entertainment and well being in human nature, and life as a result just loses purpose besides getting fucked up since it makes the brain not happy per say, but relieved. Even the anticipation for doing these drugs seems to have disappeared for him, whereas now it is more of a necessity. Like taking a shower or brushing your teeth. It's not something you really look forward to with endless excitement each day, yet you do it anyways because it feels relieving to be clean. Happiness just doesn't appear to exist anymore in the minds of these people.

That pretty much makes it understandable why the transition can be so difficult. The assumption that happiness is no longer existent and the only thing that can be achieved is a sigh of relief, making sobriety "not worth it" in the end because nothing else will be enjoyable ever again. It pretty much comes down to just realizing that this isn't the case and your enjoyment will find you again once you choose to fight that thought process of needing to get fucked up to "enjoy" anything. Depending on what you drugs you have done and how much and often you abused them can certainly dictate whether this transition takes 3 months or 3 years, but it can happen with time. It's like muscle memory, and you just have to not give up and make excuses, and find the groove again to get right back in the swing of things.
 
Last edited:
Yeah. I'm trying to not be like that. This bullshit has got me in a feeling of no excitement. I enjoy things but the excitement is almost none. Annoying. But at least my mind feels like its coming back together a lot faster these days
 
Hi guys! i am on my 3rd month long term comedown experiencing anxiety, derealization and some mild cognitive impairment.

Everyday I experience the same cycle, I wake up anxious, spaced out with some derealization and as the day progresses I end up feeling almost fine close to 100% me at night. In the morning I have social anxiety where is even hard for me to come out of home but then usually after 7pm I feel good again, sharp, quite social and mostly functional.

Then I go to bed, sleep and wake up in the same nightmare again. I want to think that a lot of my symptoms are related to anxiety but i am not shire.


Have any of you guys experienced the same fluctuations and cycles? If yes, have you recovered greatly?

Looking for some help.
 
I experienced the same fluctuation of cycles but mine usually came with the changing in light of the setting... meaning sunrises and sunsets. night was always worse than morning for me, but i definitely had some bad mornings in there. not every day was perfectly like the last. but it gradually got better after the 3rd month for me, and now i can say that I'm about 95% there. When I was where you were I thought there was no way out and would just pray for things to change. But I had to work at it. Hours of basketball each day, sitting in the sunlight, and about a month or two complete straight edge sobriety (I did smoke weed and drink for a while after quitting, but that 1-2 month break definitely did wonders for me, and made me see real progress from month 3 to month 4 or 5 - probably about 60% back to normal).

After that i started smoking and drinking again regularly, and it kinda made my progress stand still... I did drunkenly do 2 lines of coke once more around this time, but nobody is perfect.... however, then when summer came (about month 6), i tried quitting weed entirely. I was pretty successful, only taking 4-5 hits of weed throughout the whole entire summer, and haven't even inhaled a puff in about 3 to 4 months. Quitting the weed at the end of the summer made incredible wonders, and gave me that jump from 60% to my assumed 95% i'm at now.

Will I ever be back at full 100%? Probably not, as the mental scars from the bad memories of the recovery experience are still there, and always will be. But I will definitely take the 95% over 60 and most definitely take it over where I was about 9 months ago. Also, I just found out that this friday marks exactly one year since the last day I ever rolled... didn't ever think i would make it this far back then. definitely is quite a relief...
 
Hey Northern Lights, can you please describe what were your symptoms initially?
I have extreme anxiety in the mornings, derealization, I feel spaced out and some mild cogntive decline which I associate with the anxiety.

I feel Like your symptoms were light comparing to mines. Did you felt any cognitive decline? Difficulty keeping a conversation, probleme solving, memory, verbal fluency etc...

Congrats on your recovery brother, 95% is awesome!!!
 
Macenroe said:
Hey Northern Lights, can you please describe what were your symptoms initially?
I have extreme anxiety in the mornings, derealization, I feel spaced out and some mild cogntive decline which I associate with the anxiety.

I feel Like your symptoms were light comparing to mines. Did you felt any cognitive decline? Difficulty keeping a conversation, probleme solving, memory, verbal fluency etc...

Congrats on your recovery brother, 95% is awesome!!!
Click to expand...

My symptoms were as follows at month 3:

- intense insomnia - I couldn't sleep well at all, sometimes kept me up for a night or two
- I couldn't focus in school (I would sit there and just get panic attacks each class every 5-10 minutes or so, with 2 minute breaks in between)
- short term memory issues (forgetting where I put the keys, phones, and such constantly... to the point where it would take me an extra 30 minutes to leave before I either found it or gave up to search later)
- constantly unable to find the words for certain conversations
- being out of place in almost all conversations
- unable to sit still without random onset panic, some panic attacks lasting 8 hours plus nonstop (one was so bad that I went to the doctor because I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack)
- unable to do any basic chores - cooking, cleaning, errands, etc...
- a lot of bruxism
- depression
- depersonalization (couldn't enjoy anything at all, spent the entire time at a super bowl party having a panic attack about 6 hours long)
- very slight derealization (questioning my mere existence, kind of caught in a limbo at about month 3 where I thought that there was a slight chance that everything going on wasn't real and i was trapped down the rabbit hole and couldn't get out)
- i would sometimes just break out into crying for no reason
- constant self-diagnosis and googling for possible disorders and such
- and worst of all, a feeling that it would not get better, because there was no end in sight for it... and every time I had a tolerable day, the next would be worse than any before.

I literally could not partake in any activity - exercise, restaurants with the family, down time with family or friends, TV, video games, school, etc. - without having a panic attack and wanting to get the fuck out of there and go somewhere "safe" that didn't exist. the first time I felt happy in months after the onset of symptoms was a discussion with the therapist about leaving everything and everyone behind and living a homeless/backpacking life in Hawaii for a year. and that still may be on the bucket-list for the future...

All of it had a major impact on my school performance and productivity in other areas, and I was put on several different medications during this time... my xanax prescription became a great friend during the intense anxiety. I tried to use it only for it's intended purpose, though I did use it a few times recreationally before my month 3 sobriety break. also, for some reason the sound of passing cars outside triggered incredibly intense anxiety. like a wave of electricity rushing through making me feel like my time was coming and just around the corner. It was quite a roller coaster ride. I am sure I am missing a few things in there but you get the picture. it was literally living hell on earth.

Another Edit: Turns out I joined BL at about the same time you did in the recovery process. Right before that 3rd month...
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top