good to hear man. Would you say emotional response is the same now? Music feel just as good. Can you still jam out to songs? Ive lost my spark to the sound. Like that feeling you get from music. Im starting to just take things as they are and not try to have expectations for how I think I should feel and it really helps.
I feel like I actually can feel it more than I used to, and have a certain appreciation for it. Whereas before I went to shows and festivals to take drugs and rage, now I do them to enjoy the music, culture, and community. In fact, my first show after stopping the partying altogether was almost immediately after my last "party" so to speak. I saw Rusko a week after my last roll, and I was planning to roll at the show. My buddy and I tested a point out the week before and I just wasn't feeling it, yet my buddy and I picked up 3 points to split at the show. about 2 days before, I decided i was going to stop everything and see how it went. something in the back of my mind told me that it would be a good idea to take a break for once. this was by far the BEST decision i could have made, because I loved the shit out of that show and realized I could enjoy the show just as much without the rolls. I continued this trend and realized that the drugs never made the great shows better. They only made the shitty ones tolerable. It was that moment of realization that i decided that if I needed to take a drug to enjoy a show, the show wasn't worth going to. Of course I've been to several shows I didn't enjoy in the time being, but that was never due to the lack of drugs, that was just due to the lack of performance. Kinda Ironic how the one guy who promotes excessive drug use at his shows and in general is the guy who helped me never use drugs again. I wonder what Rusko would say if I told him that...
Then again, my issues set in over a 3 month period. At that 3rd month I didn't want to do anything but be around people to help take my mind off of things. It was quite an adjustment but today I feel grateful that unlike most of these partiers I see at shows, I am able to enjoy it on a pure level vs. an altered state. However, I do make my own music so that could have something to do with the appreciation. Or maybe it's the other way around. So while I may not have the same energy to rage at 150% for several hours until the sun comes up, I can still enjoy the experience just as much, if not more.
The original focus of live music after all was never drug use, but rather community. Rave culture, Woodstock culture, Harlem Renaissance, or whatever. It was all focused on an open, accepting community. Accepting people for their differences in opinion, and don't mock or ridicule those you disagree with or stick out like a nail, and work together to help each other through the struggles of life. The partiers are only attracted to this culture due to a very appealing environment to get fucked up and be ignorant to life itself. Who doesn't want to go to a show and be fucked up and join the cuddle puddle? I once did, as did many people. While some of the partygoers never change and always just pop drugs whenever they can, others experience the feeling of community, and only want to experience that. While the community/culture people do take drugs and get fucked up, that is not the focus for these people. There focus is on experiencing something special with everyone else. I have had very meaningful conversations about each other's lives with these people, even with those I had never met beforehand. As far as the partiers go the only conversation that persists is how fucked up they are and how much drugs they got their hands on or did in the past. I usually don't try to associate with unless it's trying to ease their experience when things are going rough (took too much, feeling the fear, etc). While many of people who I once considered friends mock my opinions by saying things like "Oh I don't need your fucking anti-drug bullshit" I simply stop associating with them. My approach is simply to raise awareness and help people understand that it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to take care of our nervous systems due to the fact that it is very easy to destroy them, and very difficult to fix. We only get one, so we should do our best to take care of the most precious aspect of life itself. Like the common understanding of "crossing the line"... Very easy to cross that line, and once you do, you know it immediately; however, crossing back over that line to recovery takes a much longer, much more strenuous journey than it is the other way around. But many people have done this, especially bluelighters, and I think we can all agree that this journey back makes us stronger people, and gives us a stronger appreciation to be alive and have each other even through the hardships, which can be a legitimate feeling of hell on earth. Even Hunter S. Thompson once said, "who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” So basically, just be grateful for your experience because while there is nothing you can do about it, it will make you a stronger person in the end. I'm not saying to try to cross that line, as I think you should never even do it in the first place. I'm just saying that if you have, look upon that experience with optimism, saying that you braved the storm and actually care about becoming a stronger person and not taking life itself for granted.
Just relax, and enjoy the ride. Life is about the ups and downs, and about being difficult versus easy. Anyone can be ignorant and enjoy life. Not everyone can face their hardships and fears and still be optimistic about the days to come. Ignorance is bliss as they say, but I believe that God wants us to struggle and be AWARE as much as we can, so that we are able to appreciate every experience we come across, rather than brush off everything and take it for granted.
Sorry for the rambling, I sometimes get in these modes where I can't shut up. Best of luck mate
