I feel really like you, I always have the same thoughts. Why I was so naiv, to let inject me, although I had no problems.The brain strain won't kill but it makes me wish I was dead, can't stop replaying events that led to this, living in constant regret in my sleep even, im trying to change the past with my mind and stuck in this brutal reality, it feels like a special hell created for me. The pleasure of sleep has been replaced with agony, im exhausted and hurting and in despair after every nap, there's only about an hour of feeling calm in a whole day. I've been bed bound for 15 hours, my body gets no exercise, the rot is starting to set in and my appearance is increasingly unhealthy. I might attempt to hang myself again i can't deal with the headaches and the hell I go through, ive already seen what it's like for me to be dead, which is having no interests, energy, focus, fun, love, liveliness, enjoyment, pride, peace or pleasure, just the extreme opposite of all the things that make life worthwhile. I have no reason to live except for the sake of being alive and because dying is not easy to do. This existence is the most disgusting of all, I would rather have spent my life as a heroin junkie than have had one injection of this god forsaken poison, i was on a good path, i was gonna do everything now I'm gonna do nothing because nothing is enjoyable and everything is pain.
I had no symthom of psychosis, never. Why dont they know, what they give their patients? I thought, they would never give me such dangerous deadly poison. My brain got not really better, I not even feel depression. Is it possible, that these receptors are dead forever? It seems really so. Every day is very boring. I took backing soda, Curcuma, Jod, but nothing really changes. Can emotions come back after years? When I hear a song, I hear it, but it is also not really interesting, not vivid. Singing, painting, watching TV, everything is boring. I feel like Ross B.L, only I have one dream of my child, but not from the happy past, I have only the wish to help him, he is away from me because I felt so bad after the poison. In my dream I also feel never bad, these part of my emotions are not there.@Rosi it is horrible they could target and trick us like that, and it is the worst thing that could happen to a mother and consequently to her child, it is disgusting and criminal. I also feel naive to let them do this, i didnt imagine how bad it could be and nobody would expect a doctor to do such a thing. When i think repeatedly in circles its like having life ended because its not looking forward to the future, just stuck in the past and reliving it in the hope that in the mean time things get better but they arent. I feel for you, especially for having a child and being in this state, it must be heartbreaking, it is just a sick affair all round. At this point I can only hope that a miracle comes our way and makes things different for us.