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Recovery Clean and on Auto-pilot

Miraculously, I not only graduated high school with a 3.6 GPA, but I also have a college degree. That's partly because my parents figured out what was going on and got me help. They've had to repeat that cycle more than 10 times now 😔
 
what do you think is making you relapse each time?

well done on getting through your education. it sounds like you have managed to keep things together ok despite the drug problems.
 
It’s been a month and it’s good to hear your in a better place then you were then.
 
chinup said:
what do you think is making you relapse each time?

well done on getting through your education. it sounds like you have managed to keep things together ok despite the drug problems.
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I've relapsed for different reasons, different times. Most recently, it was like a perfect storm of bad circumstances. I lost the job I loved and had worked hard at to get promoted. I lost it because I had 2 employees, 20 and 23 year old girls, who were being sexually harassed by an employee of the company we were contracted to. I reported him and, to save face, the contract company gave my owners an ultimatum - fire her or lose your contract. I had written statements and the contracted company had twisted me words and claimed I made my girls write false statements. I didn't. It was all the truth. One of my owners called me in tears (her and her husband loved me to death and trusted me) to tell me she had to let me go and that she had no choice. It broke my heart. I had done the RIGHT thing and I had been punished for it. As this was happening, my parents were on vacation in Europe and I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. I tried to reach out to people, I even had people come over - but I was devastated. I went into my parents closet that night to get pajamas for my son as they keep extra up there and I was behind on the laundry. I grabbed his pjs and as I was walking out, I noticed their safe was open. My father is a gun enthusiast and keeps his guns in there. I walked over to the safe and opened it and started at the guns but then i realized that their were pill bottles in there. My mother is prescribed methadone for chronic pain. She's been on it for 15 years. She had only taken what she needed with her to Europe. The bottle looked completely full (my mother never takes the 3 a day she's prescribed and always has extra). Right then and there, I caved. I took 2 from the bottle and I should have closed that fucking safe.

I didn't close it till the day they got back. I had taken like 20+ pills from my mom and I was sweatin balls thinking she would notice. She never did. She doesn't really count them which is kinda crazy as my brother and I have both struggled with addiction for half our lives.

About a week after they got back, I managed to get another job making twice the money but it was way more stressful. Still, once I had closed that safe, I started buying pills every day.

I maintained pretty damn well for a while. My new job was as the front office manager of a shitty hotel but they paid really well. The only problem was my GM was INSANELY INCOMPETENT. It was obvious he had no idea what he was doing and he was hardly ever there. I basically ran that hotel myself. I couldn't rat my GM out to corporate because he was the fiancee of one of my long time best friends and I didn't wanna jeopardize our friendship. Not to mention, he actually was a really good guy. When he was around, he was great and I still love him to death, he was just really bad at his job.

Eventually corporate caught wind of what was going on and let him go. I was in line to become the new GM. My life would really have taken off if I had gotten it but, unfortunately, some shit came outta left field to fuck everything up. The other front office manager, Ava, had really been like my right hand chick the whole time. She helped me run that bitch and I really thought we had each other's back.

But fuck was I wrong. The 2 faced bitch had been keeping tabs on every mistake I ever made and presented it to corporate like I had made all these mistakes at once. She also said I was stealing and fucking guests after hours, none of which was true.

I was so fucking hurt and blindsided, I called my new GM and just quit on the spot. This bitch had straight up slandered my name, I should've gone in there and told her to prove it or GTFO. And threatened the company with a slander lawsuit if they didn't get rid of her.

But honestly, deep down, I was scared she knew about the drugs. I had never told her and I thought I kept it pretty hard on the down low but I knew the bitch was hella observant. I just couldn't take the risk.

Shortly after my last paycheck ran out, my tax money came, and then my stimulus. I just went real hard into the drugs until there was nothing left. I started withdrawing and made up a reason to beg my mom for one of her pills but she's a fucking nurse and wanted to examine me. That's when she noticed the track Mark's and I knew I was caught.

So basically I relapsed this time because of getting fired, feeling incredibly betrayed and like there was no justice in the world, and the unforeseen opportunity of that open safe with mad pills in it.

If i could go back in time I would've closed that fuckin safe immediately but then, honestly, I might've just ended up at my dealer's.
 
So now you know what your danger zones are, you could specifically put some work in around them. Though I wish i knew what cos if I don't get a new job soon I think I'm in danger of relapsing over my boss. Feeling unfairly treated is a definite part of it for me too. Living life on life terms is really fucking annoying when life is going shit. Right now I'm mostly just trying not to think about it, cos its fine working from home, though still have some shit from him over zoom.

That thing about being scared your colleagues know about the drugs and thus letting them get away with murder really rang true, I let myself get walked all over by people who I thought were on to me, its not a nice feeling. One nice thing about being clean is being able to stand up for myself cos I don't have this dirty little secret that would hurt like hell if it got out.

The thing about opportunity is there isn't really anything you can do to prevent it, you can only control your response to it. If it hits you when you feel mentally strong, you probably have no problem, but maybe you can use those times to notice your reaction to the opportunity so you can get an idea of how you react, then use that knowledge o think about how you could cope better. you might have ended up at your dealers, you might not.
 
Yeah, it's so hard to say, ya know? There were definitely other times where opportunity showed its ugly face and I payed it no mind. At those times, I was in a better state of mind and was happy with how things were. I wish I had never caved like that because i never ever wanted to be here again, but the fact that i did makes me feel like i may never be better. That there is no such thing as permanent recovery.
 
JessTD said:
Yeah, it's so hard to say, ya know? There were definitely other times where opportunity showed its ugly face and I payed it no mind. At those times, I was in a better state of mind and was happy with how things were. I wish I had never caved like that because i never ever wanted to be here again, but the fact that i did makes me feel like i may never be better. That there is no such thing as permanent recovery.
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Permanent recovery is the death you face if you don’t get better, I think this is subjective we aren’t in your shoes there’s no one size fits all to anything. Sometimes it’s wiser to look at the future as where do you want to be at the end of the day instead of the end of your life. Abstinence to people like us is a tall task for people like us, to look at indefinitely.
 
JessTD said:
Admittedly, the idea of NEVER doing drugs again terrifies me to my core.
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I’m right here with you, the idea of escape is never far from thought especially if you take a minute to look around now a days. But get to the end of the day not the end of the year.
 
I've probably heard "take it one day at a time" like a million times by now. Come to find out, it's easier said than done.
 
i'd say whatever stopped you using when you had the opportunity and didn't take it is still valid when you are low, it is just having to compete with other shite.

i don't think permanent recovery is possible in the sense that we can get to a point where we can use drugs like people who aren't addicts, or that we won't ever find ourselves wanting to use. I think it is possible to get to a place where your life is relatively 'normal' and, by putting continuous work in, maintain that indefinitely. i have seen people who were worse than me in their using (by the sound of it, and i don't think you can make this shit up, i'm talking like using needles you picked up in the gutter and shit) who seem mentally well and have been in recovery for decades.

the idea of never using drugs again scares the shit out of me too. but i also still expect that i'll die due to heroin addiction, based on statistics (though i like to think i'm special!!) and that scares me more. just try not to think about it, its not useful. never is a long fucking time. the aim is to get to a point wher eyou are fine with not using drugs right now.
 
chinup said:
i'd say whatever stopped you using when you had the opportunity and didn't take it is still valid when you are low, it is just having to compete with other shite.

i don't think permanent recovery is possible in the sense that we can get to a point where we can use drugs like people who aren't addicts, or that we won't ever find ourselves wanting to use. I think it is possible to get to a place where your life is relatively 'normal' and, by putting continuous work in, maintain that indefinitely. i have seen people who were worse than me in their using (by the sound of it, and i don't think you can make this shit up, i'm talking like using needles you picked up in the gutter and shit) who seem mentally well and have been in recovery for decades.

the idea of never using drugs again scares the shit out of me too. but i also still expect that i'll die due to heroin addiction, based on statistics (though i like to think i'm special!!) and that scares me more. just try not to think about it, its not useful. never is a long fucking time. the aim is to get to a point wher eyou are fine with not using drugs right now.
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It is my firm belief that for anyone that has suffered substance abuse issues in the past, total abstinence is both unrealistic and unsustainable. Why should one totally stop seeking altered states of consciousness simply because one made poor choices in the past?

I'm a drug addict. I will always be a drug addict - simply because I love taking drugs. But taking drugs for fun is worlds apart from taking drugs because you have to. Instead of smack, crack and benzos, I have now rediscovered weed, MDMA, stimulants and anything else I can get my hands on (except classic psychedelics - they can fuck right off for the foreseeable future). My biggest downfall is booze, but I'm slowly conquering that and it has had nowhere near as much impact on my life as opiates have.

Trying to attain total abstinence is setting oneself up for a fall imo. Just the thought of never taking drugs again is enough to send me fuckin insane...
 
i don't think total abstinence is unrealastic because i have seen plenty of people who are doing it after a long time addicted to drugs in NA. whether its completely necessary is another issue, but i think when giving people in early recovery advice its better to err on the side of caution. i couldn't smoke weed cos i smoked it every day for over 10 years so for me its in the class of drugs i cannot use responsibly.

the point about recovery is to get to a place where you are comfortable enough with yourself not to want to use drugs regularly. i have been having the odd beer or g & t, not often and not to excess, but that's after 18 months and i think if i had blurred the lines earlier i'd have fucked myself over- the one time i drank at 6 months clean, having intended to have 2 drinks, i ended up bingeing for days on opiates, coke, benzos and booze and it was really hard to stop.
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
It is my firm belief that for anyone that has suffered substance abuse issues in the past, total abstinence is both unrealistic and unsustainable. Why should one totally stop seeking altered states of consciousness simply because one made poor choices in the past?

I'm a drug addict. I will always be a drug addict - simply because I love taking drugs. But taking drugs for fun is worlds apart from taking drugs because you have to. Instead of smack, crack and benzos, I have now rediscovered weed, MDMA, stimulants and anything else I can get my hands on (except classic psychedelics - they can fuck right off for the foreseeable future). My biggest downfall is booze, but I'm slowly conquering that and it has had nowhere near as much impact on my life as opiates have.

Trying to attain total abstinence is setting oneself up for a fall imo. Just the thought of never taking drugs again is enough to send me fuckin insane...
Click to expand...
Drug use, drug abuse, and drug addiction are like points on a spectrum, drug use being the least harmful, and drug addiction the most harmful. The drug seeking spectrum doesn't change for me, that's kind of one of the fundamentals of my existence, but I can control where I am on the spectrum (which I'm pretty good at now having had lots of practice). So yeah, I'm not a big fan of total abstinence either, its kind like having a nice dick but being told you shouldn't fuck with it anymore.
 
JessTD said:
I've relapsed for different reasons, different times. Most recently, it was like a perfect storm of bad circumstances. I lost the job I loved and had worked hard at to get promoted. I lost it because I had 2 employees, 20 and 23 year old girls, who were being sexually harassed by an employee of the company we were contracted to. I reported him and, to save face, the contract company gave my owners an ultimatum - fire her or lose your contract. I had written statements and the contracted company had twisted me words and claimed I made my girls write false statements. I didn't. It was all the truth. One of my owners called me in tears (her and her husband loved me to death and trusted me) to tell me she had to let me go and that she had no choice. It broke my heart. I had done the RIGHT thing and I had been punished for it. As this was happening, my parents were on vacation in Europe and I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. I tried to reach out to people, I even had people come over - but I was devastated. I went into my parents closet that night to get pajamas for my son as they keep extra up there and I was behind on the laundry. I grabbed his pjs and as I was walking out, I noticed their safe was open. My father is a gun enthusiast and keeps his guns in there. I walked over to the safe and opened it and started at the guns but then i realized that their were pill bottles in there. My mother is prescribed methadone for chronic pain. She's been on it for 15 years. She had only taken what she needed with her to Europe. The bottle looked completely full (my mother never takes the 3 a day she's prescribed and always has extra). Right then and there, I caved. I took 2 from the bottle and I should have closed that fucking safe.

I didn't close it till the day they got back. I had taken like 20+ pills from my mom and I was sweatin balls thinking she would notice. She never did. She doesn't really count them which is kinda crazy as my brother and I have both struggled with addiction for half our lives.

About a week after they got back, I managed to get another job making twice the money but it was way more stressful. Still, once I had closed that safe, I started buying pills every day.

I maintained pretty damn well for a while. My new job was as the front office manager of a shitty hotel but they paid really well. The only problem was my GM was INSANELY INCOMPETENT. It was obvious he had no idea what he was doing and he was hardly ever there. I basically ran that hotel myself. I couldn't rat my GM out to corporate because he was the fiancee of one of my long time best friends and I didn't wanna jeopardize our friendship. Not to mention, he actually was a really good guy. When he was around, he was great and I still love him to death, he was just really bad at his job.

Eventually corporate caught wind of what was going on and let him go. I was in line to become the new GM. My life would really have taken off if I had gotten it but, unfortunately, some shit came outta left field to fuck everything up. The other front office manager, Ava, had really been like my right hand chick the whole time. She helped me run that bitch and I really thought we had each other's back.

But fuck was I wrong. The 2 faced bitch had been keeping tabs on every mistake I ever made and presented it to corporate like I had made all these mistakes at once. She also said I was stealing and fucking guests after hours, none of which was true.

I was so fucking hurt and blindsided, I called my new GM and just quit on the spot. This bitch had straight up slandered my name, I should've gone in there and told her to prove it or GTFO. And threatened the company with a slander lawsuit if they didn't get rid of her.

But honestly, deep down, I was scared she knew about the drugs. I had never told her and I thought I kept it pretty hard on the down low but I knew the bitch was hella observant. I just couldn't take the risk.

Shortly after my last paycheck ran out, my tax money came, and then my stimulus. I just went real hard into the drugs until there was nothing left. I started withdrawing and made up a reason to beg my mom for one of her pills but she's a fucking nurse and wanted to examine me. That's when she noticed the track Mark's and I knew I was caught.

So basically I relapsed this time because of getting fired, feeling incredibly betrayed and like there was no justice in the world, and the unforeseen opportunity of that open safe with mad pills in it.

If i could go back in time I would've closed that fuckin safe immediately but then, honestly, I might've just ended up at my dealer's.
Click to expand...

I read it.

Maybe go on methadone yourself? I dunno. I did and it worked out eventually.
 
Thanks for all the advice. I am trying to just get through every day, but most days I really hate being alive. I still feel no joy. I'm still trying to find ways to create it. I'm still failing at that. Nothing is getting easier, even as the time passes.
 
So, crazy side note here. Yesterday my son threw his tablet on the ground really hard and I took it away from him. He was acting crazier than I'd seen him act in a while. It was a really stressful day and I could literally FEEL my blood pressure getting higher and higher. I asked my mom for her blood pressure cuff and took my blood pressure only to see that it was crazy high (176/115). It felt like my head was in a vice grip. Mom was super concerned. She made me lay down and took my son with her. The woman also stocks meds like you wouldn't believe and has like a literal pharmacy in her room so she gave me some blood pressure meds and even some klonopin to try to get it to go down. The lowest it got was 143/103. So now I'm wondering if part of the reason I've felt so horribly shitty since I got clean is because my blood pressure has been off the charts this whole time. I took it as i woke up just now and even straight out of some of the best sleep I've had in a month it was 148/111. I live in America and don't have insurance so likely I'm going to have to go to the hospital, incur a bill I won't be able to pay, and be prescribed BP meds (which, fortunately, are usually cheap to fill). Has this happened to anyone else addicted to opiates? U get clean and your BP gets crazy high?
 
i didn't experience that but if you've been super stressed out that will have contributed. it would certainly explain why you've been feeling so shitty!! i'm glad you got some decent sleep that always helps massively.
 
I finally did my nature hike today. I took my son and he bitched the whole time and it was INSUFFERABLY hot but I did it.
 
i'm glad you got out for a walk. even if you didn't enjoy it, i'm sure it will have done you some good. can you maybe try again without your son tagging along? i know you've asked a lot of your mum recently but she must know that recovery and detox aren't the same thing, so i'd hope she wouldn't mind watching him so you can go on your own?

that won't change the heat though. i don't envy you, i haven't been to florida but i went to south carolina and the heat + humidity were nuts. that said. it was over 30 (centigrade) here yesterday, i think the entire northern hemisphere is baking/
 
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