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Recovery Clean and on Auto-pilot

Maybe I should leave my kids with my mom and go on a nature trail and do some hiking. It may be hot as balls but I have felt this crazy draw to nature as of late.
 
Thanks. Ain't really got a choice right now though. All of my money was sacrificed to addiction 😔
 
getting out in nature sounds like a really good idea.

things that helped me massively in early recovery: meditation, colouring/drawing (which i know you've already mentioned), playing the bass, listening to music, running and finding myself getting fitter, dumping my emotions on here (if you look at my threads you can basically see my descent into addiction then transition into recovery, apparently the before and after sound like a different person), reading decent literature about addiction: johan hari, gabor mate- he does youtube too, marc lewis, the odd day playing video games or bingeing netflix.

i know its difficult right now with this pandemic but when i got out of rehab i had basically a 100% time filled programme, they made me do one for 90 days before i left rehab and i stuck to it. it involved groups at the drugs services, gym classes, 90 in 90, therapy. just being able to autopilot through it with no time for my brain to go too west really helped. the vast majority of my time was allocated to physical and mental recovery.
 
went to rehab in september 2018, have used heroin twice since then (in the same week) and no crack at all.
 
I went into treatment on my birthday (December 8th) of 2016 and was clean until June of last year so I made it like... 3 years?
 
good girl Great Run!!
Dont know if this is your Gig or Not, But I started the 12 steps again in NA ( 5th time on step on, I do need to get that one perfect)
I got through 4 days no pills, but caved last night to codeine cough medicine to sleep! After the war that my bed and mind had become I was like Fuck it!!
So here i am today, back at Day 1, feel better, No withdrawals yet because of codine? and will start again. Its my only choice, I hate the way the Vicodins make me feel most of the time, The help with Pain and sleep are fine, but the Price of my mental state is too high !!!
 
It definitely sucks to get help in the time of coronavirus, but shit is slowly but surely opening back up.
 
so you know you can do it!! what did you find most useful when you got clean before? try to use that experience to your advantage, you can pre empt some of the difficulties and put things in place to address them.

are you still at your mums?
 
Yes, I'm still at mom's. Last time I went into treatment though, it's because I overdosed and they found out I had children so they called DCF. Due to previous run ins with them (my son's father was really abusive and beat me in front of my children), they removed my custody of my kids. My determination to get them back made me so laser-focused that I don't recall even being bothered by acute withdrawal. Every second of my time after they removed them from my custody was spent thinking and actively seeking ways to get better and get them back. Despite the ups and downs of addiction and domestic violence, I never stopped being a good mother. I always made sure my children were ok and they went everywhere with me. They felt abandoned when the state took them. I never wanted them to look back and wonder why they weren't worth fighting for so I showed them they were worth everything.

Part of the reason I carry so much guilt for relapsing. I failed them. 😔
 
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
 
your desire to be clean and healthy for your kid(s) is admirable. the fact that you keep trying says to me that your not a failure at all. it's a process and your working through it. don't be so hard on yourself. your doing the right thing by getting off drugs. slowly you will feel better and maybe this will be the last time you will feel like this! just keep on it you will see the results you seek.
 
Go do your hike, find out how long it was, and try for a longer one next time. The reason everyone says exercise is because everything else is gonna feel painful to try and focus on, exercise is suffering you force on yourself, as opposed to the suffering you are gonna be feeling anyway. Not to mention it can pretty much eliminate withdrawls for the exercise period plus a bit of time after that, you dont have to go outside or even necessarily make yourself sweat, start with like some yoga, or hike like you said , something long and drawn out that is a tiny bit demanding on the body. As long as you start breathing a little heavier thats a good thing as far as I can tell, and I know it doesnt take much when youve been living as an addict for a while.

What got me exercising in withdrawal was realizing that it was relief, its impossible to start if you think its just gonna make you feel worse
 
Alls I mean is you dont have to do anything crazy, just dont be sitting around if you dont wanna feel crappy
 
I was just sitting around for a while and then something in me was just like "Jess, do SOMETHING! Stay busy!"

So I've been trying.
 
staying busy really will help. i'm glad you've been trying. keep at it. honestly i know you don't have the motivation of getting your children back, but for them now, they will be getting their mum back. i am sure that you take great care of them physically but unfortunately opiate addicts are generally emotionally unavailable, i certainly was while i was using cos i just didn't really care about anything.

did you take a walk? even if its not a full on hike i'd try to get moving a bit, i find doing something physical burns off some of that energy that just turns into mental agitation otherwise.
 
Guys, I'm having a really hard time. I went on a vacation with my family to South Carolina (my dad is a member of a hunting camp up there). It's in the middle of no where and the land has a lot of history. I was so excited to bring my metal detector and go out in nature and hopefully find something cool. I was so sure that all that would reignite the happy places in my brain.

It didn't. I found nothing cool. The only parts I enjoyed was being in the woods with the wind blowing through the trees. It was so quiet. It felt spiritual.

But since I got back, I'm lower than I've ever been. I feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs until i run out of breath, and even then i would only be expressing a fraction of the agony i feel.

I've been open minded. I've been patient. I've done the meditating, the talking to people, the exercise, the getting out in nature, the journaling, the positive self talk - everything I can think of and yet still, I go to bed every night praying that I don't fucking wake up.

I feel worthless. I know I will never amount to anything. I'm just a burden on my family. I'm a shitty mother, a shitty daughter, and a shitty girlfriend - which makes me a burden to the people I love the most.

I just wanna give up because what's the fucking point. No life is a waste, someone once told me, even if that life is to serve as a bad example - a cautionary tale.

I feel like my life is one of those. I'm so tired of fighting my demons. I've been fighting them my whole life.

In those woods, with the wind blowing through the trees, I cried out to any god that was listening. Please. Show me a sign. Show me you're there. Show me I'm supposed to be here.

Silence.

I just wanna give up. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I could've ended my life before I caused so much hurt to the people I love.
 
@JessTD

I feel worthless. > You're not worthless even if it feels this way, a little later today, or tomorrow, or the day after the feeling will change
I know I will never amount to anything > You can't know this unless you've seen the future
I'm just a burden on my family. > you should get a second opinion from them before coming to this conclusion
I'm a shitty mother > not true, you worked your tits off to get clean and stay clean for 3 years
a shitty daughter > your folk's are the only one who can make this call
and a shitty girlfriend > your SO is the only one who can make this call
which makes me a burden to the people I love the most > same as above, get their opinion on this

So, what color you gonna paint your kitchen? I'm think yellow maybe? What's your thoughts on yellow for a kitchen?
 
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