what do you think is making you relapse each time?
well done on getting through your education. it sounds like you have managed to keep things together ok despite the drug problems.
I've relapsed for different reasons, different times. Most recently, it was like a perfect storm of bad circumstances. I lost the job I loved and had worked hard at to get promoted. I lost it because I had 2 employees, 20 and 23 year old girls, who were being sexually harassed by an employee of the company we were contracted to. I reported him and, to save face, the contract company gave my owners an ultimatum - fire her or lose your contract. I had written statements and the contracted company had twisted me words and claimed I made my girls write false statements. I didn't. It was all the truth. One of my owners called me in tears (her and her husband loved me to death and trusted me) to tell me she had to let me go and that she had no choice. It broke my heart. I had done the RIGHT thing and I had been punished for it. As this was happening, my parents were on vacation in Europe and I was alone in my house for 2 weeks. I tried to reach out to people, I even had people come over - but I was devastated. I went into my parents closet that night to get pajamas for my son as they keep extra up there and I was behind on the laundry. I grabbed his pjs and as I was walking out, I noticed their safe was open. My father is a gun enthusiast and keeps his guns in there. I walked over to the safe and opened it and started at the guns but then i realized that their were pill bottles in there. My mother is prescribed methadone for chronic pain. She's been on it for 15 years. She had only taken what she needed with her to Europe. The bottle looked completely full (my mother never takes the 3 a day she's prescribed and always has extra). Right then and there, I caved. I took 2 from the bottle and I should have closed that fucking safe.
I didn't close it till the day they got back. I had taken like 20+ pills from my mom and I was sweatin balls thinking she would notice. She never did. She doesn't really count them which is kinda crazy as my brother and I have both struggled with addiction for half our lives.
About a week after they got back, I managed to get another job making twice the money but it was way more stressful. Still, once I had closed that safe, I started buying pills every day.
I maintained pretty damn well for a while. My new job was as the front office manager of a shitty hotel but they paid really well. The only problem was my GM was INSANELY INCOMPETENT. It was obvious he had no idea what he was doing and he was hardly ever there. I basically ran that hotel myself. I couldn't rat my GM out to corporate because he was the fiancee of one of my long time best friends and I didn't wanna jeopardize our friendship. Not to mention, he actually was a really good guy. When he was around, he was great and I still love him to death, he was just really bad at his job.
Eventually corporate caught wind of what was going on and let him go. I was in line to become the new GM. My life would really have taken off if I had gotten it but, unfortunately, some shit came outta left field to fuck everything up. The other front office manager, Ava, had really been like my right hand chick the whole time. She helped me run that bitch and I really thought we had each other's back.
But fuck was I wrong. The 2 faced bitch had been keeping tabs on every mistake I ever made and presented it to corporate like I had made all these mistakes at once. She also said I was stealing and fucking guests after hours, none of which was true.
I was so fucking hurt and blindsided, I called my new GM and just quit on the spot. This bitch had straight up slandered my name, I should've gone in there and told her to prove it or GTFO. And threatened the company with a slander lawsuit if they didn't get rid of her.
But honestly, deep down, I was scared she knew about the drugs. I had never told her and I thought I kept it pretty hard on the down low but I knew the bitch was hella observant. I just couldn't take the risk.
Shortly after my last paycheck ran out, my tax money came, and then my stimulus. I just went real hard into the drugs until there was nothing left. I started withdrawing and made up a reason to beg my mom for one of her pills but she's a fucking nurse and wanted to examine me. That's when she noticed the track Mark's and I knew I was caught.
So basically I relapsed this time because of getting fired, feeling incredibly betrayed and like there was no justice in the world, and the unforeseen opportunity of that open safe with mad pills in it.
If i could go back in time I would've closed that fuckin safe immediately but then, honestly, I might've just ended up at my dealer's.