Binge drinking - lightheadedness

[tired of crap]

Well after sleeping away the first half of the day yesterday I managed to get out for a hike with a friend.
Upon my return home I felt great but did exactly what I was doing before the hike - sitting in front of the computer watching endless shows. I needed a change. So I toked.

Sitting down to journal I realize now that all this tv is an effort to passively escape... from what? the stresses of my life I suppose. But then I stopped and thought about these stresses.... and lets be real, while these stresses are real, the changes they will produce are definitely worth it in the end...

So why am I ducking and covering? Simply put - 10 years of habit.... Why now after a run of positive changes? Because I fell back out of my optimal routine... I then realized that I need to be more flexible sometimes. So I didnt get to bed at the perfect time, so I missed my morning yoga and meditation, so what. Now its time too....? Time to live in the moment, thats what.

Often times I get thrown completely off because Im such a creature of habit that anything from ordinary is overwhelming these days. Funny how we miss the lessons we learn so often. If one thing power psychedelic experiences have taught me its that there is no "normal", just normal right now. Lately Ive been taking it easy with these experiences though, opting for less immersive substances, afraid that I'd get caught up in the emotions of my mind and have a "bad trip". But Ive always felt that these can teach us the most about ourselves - showing us the things we have sub/consciously suppressed and need to see. Like a flash light in the dark. So my plan is to take this weekend off in that regard, just eat some oil and get suitably stoned. The following week itll be a solid dose of either lysergamides (it was sold as LSD, tests similarly, comes on in half an hour but is down by 5 hours, completely out by 7) or tryptamines - either mushrooms or 4 aco-dmt.

But I digress... so I was up late due to the sleeping all day and smoking too late. But I was productive and ate well.
Got up when I woke up this morning and continued where I left off - went for a run, finished the house and the cooking and Im just typing this before heading out to acquire the necessities for kombucha making. Its about time I get back to my hobbies. Especially one I find so beneficial - I truly believe that gut bacteria, which I feel is positively affected by kombucha, is tied to mental health (and is partially responsible for why Ive been in such a funk lately - poor eating habits have been my go to vice lately).

Guess thats it for now.
Much love
TOC

 

[simco]

TOC, do you find that kombucha gives you a noticeable improvement health-wise? I've been kind of intrigued by it (I have a history of stomach/gut pain) recently.

 

[tired of crap]

Im hard pressed to say Ive noticed any definitive links associated with drinking kombucha and improvements in health because when Im drinking kombucha Im usually engaged in other healthy practices - a proper diet and exercise. During this time though I do notice a significant decrease in bloating compared to when Im not drinking it - though that may also be associated with a poorer diet.

So why drink it then you ask? I find it helps me beat junk food cravings - its sweet (when done correctly / flavoured with just the right amount of fruit juices/other hebs/spices) and as it contains tea (I usually use black or oolong tea), the caffeine gives me a little pick me up, which can be incredibly useful at times - otherwise, I dont drink coffee, tea or other caffeinated beverages.

I got hooked on the stuff working for a friend who made it. If youd like to know how to make it Id be more than happy to share some tips and tricks Ive picked up along the way / even the ratios I now use. Start up costs where a bit much - I kinda went crazy with unnecessary equipment, but it makes the whole process so much easier. But that doesnt need to be the case, you can just make it in any wide mouth jar by adjusting the ratio of ingredients as necessary.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Interesting TPD. Were you under emotional duress at the time?

Come to think of it there were at least 3 more instances then the ones mentioned above and none of the "black out's" Ive had have ever results in fainting. And some of these instances have lasted quite a while - especially they high dose LSD one.

At the time I don't think I was aware of any particular emotional duress at the time, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was involved. It was definitely the kind of thing I can identify as a stress reaction or some kind.

 

[tired of crap]

Im having a lot of issues finding my stride with my routine again. Im back to bed at my normal time but getting up, even after my typical 7 hours is daunting. Lately I usually just turn my alarm off and go back to bed. I think I need to put the alarm further away so I have to get up to shut it off.

This leads to missing my morning routine and thus I am having trouble staying grounded. Ive been skipping my strength exercises for the last few weeks too ... why? I dunno. I tried supplementing by increasing cardio but I dont find it provides the same sort of release. Nor does it help with my self image - Im a relatively slim guy (though I eat constant Ive got a wicked metabolism) and for some reason it bothers me. I find these sorts of exercises helpful because then I can at least say Im trying to make a change, though with my current diet I dont see much change even after a few months, though I recognize itll take time and more likely increasing the amount of protein in my diet.. but thats another story... Suppose I should get back to strength exercises today..

In the meantime ... I continue to put off studying for organic chem as Ive now officially past the point of no return. I will not write the exam (because I cant fail - Id lose my school loans) but rather make up an excuse, get a doctors note and defer it until sometime in Oct. And my other course has an online exam and I scored an e-text, so forget studying - ctrl-f for the win.... Suppose I should start packing and moving as buddy said I can move my stuff in whenever.

Until next time.
TOC

 

[Kawasaki88]

Hey there! I had this same thing happen to me. I started out like everyone else years ago with the typical beer here or there, and then eventually found myself in a basement completely sick. Literally light headed, and sleeping just to wake up and drink more. What ended up happening was, I would go to stand up and literally feel like I was going to pass out. The alcohol stopped being fun altogether, and eventually I used it just to get rid of the anxiety from being dizzy. What I found it was boiled down to this. Not taking in enough healthy foods that were high in protein, smoking too much (in my case) and also not exercising or anything which caused my circulation to suck on top of all of the drinking. I was not really moving or anything. Eventually I decided I needed to stop and just drink in moderation.

 

[tired of crap]

Hey K88, yes I believe my issues at the time of original posting were from a lack of proper nutrition and dehydration - as someone so kindly pointed out most of my caloric intake at the time was from some form of alcohol.

Perhaps it was related to blood pressure (as you eluded to) as well. However, it is my understand that drinking can cause increases to blood pressure, so Im not sure how that would fit... Perhaps some sort of rebound? ...

Im still trying to abstain, as I dont find moderate drinking particularly enjoyable, and typically one day of moderation leads to another day of moderate drinking within a relatively short period of time... which leads to less moderate drinking and then Im right back to my previous levels of consumption. Though I usually catch myself before long, Ive learned that for whatever the occasion, Im better off abstaining or finding an alternative haha

Glad you were able to to reduce to moderate consumption though.
Cheers

 

[Kawasaki88]

Hey there! Yes, you would think it would increase your blood pressure, but a lot of the time it is the "rebound" effect. Basically, what happens is your body is working overtime to self correct it's blood pressure while filtering out the alcohol. This put's extra strain on the body, causing your resources to all go toward regulating your blood pressure as well as your blood sugar. Always drink a ton of water if you start to get very dizzy and try a lot of vitamin C with some green veggies. This always did the trick for me. I found myself pretty messed up from some benders to the point where I did not know if drinking more or stopping would help me. Not a fun place to be, so I completely understand.

 

[tired of crap]

Well I have started moving stuff over to the new place. There are pros and cons about the move but im excited that it will be for the best.

However last week I drank for 3 straight days. Back to sitting around, drinking, accomplishing nothing and eating poorly, if at all.

It was brought on, in my opinion, by eating tramadol all day. I find abusing any drug (of late it has been either tramadol, pot or adderall) usually leads to a relapse of drinking shortly there after. Ive exhausted the adderall. Ive kicked the daily pot regime. And I dont run into opiods that often and simply need to refrain when I do. I get no rewards from abusing these substances. Although it doesnt put me back to "day 1" with my drinking, it does cause it to rise to the surface again and Im more likely to fall back into it briefly. I drank again on the weekend at a family gathering for my birthday but went slow and was able to stop myself. This sort of casual drinking is not something I want to partake in on a regular basis for a multitude of reasons, but if I can limit myself and not have it cause any relapse in my drinking Im fine with it.

After the aforementioned binge (if you will), my poor disposition of late I and given my inclination towards psychedelics, I have decided to partake in a microdosing regime.
Dosing on day 1 with 0.2 g of mushrooms in a cinnamon and lemon juice tea (I can feel it but just barely). Followed by a 2 day break and then repeating on day 4.
My first 2 days were a success, with the microdose providing a mood lift lasting most of the day.
Some report an after glow the next day but I did not notice anything after day 1. We will see what tomorrow brings.

As with my dosing on the weekends my goal here is to eliminate drinking from my routine. I am also hoping to get out of this emotional funk Ive been in lately.
I realize dosing at any level is not going to "fix" any of my issues. Thus I am slowly getting back into my healthful regiment while integrating this new dosing schedule.
My plan is to continue for about a month, deeply ingraining all these things that provide me with so much benefit but which I cant seem to fully integrate into my daily life.

TTFN,
TOC

 

[tired of crap]

Well its been about a month.

I gave up on microdosing shortly after starting. I had a bad day and dosing didnt help. So i figured why build a massive tolerance if it wasnt going to "help"...

Ive finally settled in to the new place though. School has started and Im behind as usual but Im not worried about that - yet .

However, Im having difficulty adjusting to the routine with my daughter - seeing her on weekends alone is depressing. Ive realized Im lonely and Im trying to be more social - visiting friends more often. Im also trying to make new friends at school and trying to find a gf (via online dating - but im not rushing that, given....).

Im back to drinking 3 or 4 days a week. Day or night. Its becoming an issue. Its effecting multiple areas of my life again. School, sleep, finances and my health (and if I keep making poor choices Im gonna end up with other, legal, issues).

But the thing is I dont want to quit...well or so addicted me says. Logical me knows I need to for all the reasons listed above. But every day I say not today. Then something happens and I justify it. Or its aww hell just one more day, it wont hurt.

But it does. Literally. Sometime ago I developed chest pain. Went to the Dr, had an ekg and apparently my heart rate is slightly slower than normal but ok - just call if theres any changes :-S ... But more recently a pain has developed, again, in my left side. Last time it happened it was pancreatitis - caused by my drinking.

I know what I need to do ... Maybe today will be the day. In the meantime Ill try not to berate myself while implementing the changes to my routine which will help.

Thats it for now.
TOC

 

[tired of crap]

I wrote that this morning after waking up just 3 or 4 hours after going to bed.

I had a lab to attend and did so. At which I really noticed just how much all the consumption lately is effecting me. My thoughts were all over the place and I couldnt focus. And my movements felt jerky and I was twitchy - not too obviously so (I hope). Funny how I dont really notice how much Im being effected until I decided enough is enough - I never noticed these symptoms last week on day 4 of my binge :-S

Eating and rehydrating when I got home helped. And I just took a brief nap and I dont feel quite so shitty.

Im feeling very isolated today though - hence the double post in the same day haha ... I will likely reach out to some friends after dinner

In the meantime I should be prepping - I have an appointment with a tutor for the class for which I deferred the exam. T minus less than a month and I have to cram the whole course in ... oh the thinks we think ....

Until next time.

 

[tired of crap]

Welp, 1 day without drinking. Its really not as difficult as I make it out to be. I think the physical symptoms I was experiences were more of a psychosomatic deal, exacerbated by my school woes.

My tutoring session went ok, but I need to be more prepared for the next one. I am nervous about the upcoming final (right around midterm time) but I dont think its unreasonable to expect to pass the course, given I only nee a final - thank someone for the lab portion of the class (truthfully the only portion I thoroughly enjoy).

Unfortunately last night I didnt make it out to visit with friends. But I ran into an old TA (teachers assistant) while at the school and we talked for a while. Even just small instances like that seem to brighten my day substantially, especially when Im down.

This morning I slowly eased back into my routine with some yoga and meditation. Buddy (who I live with) has a cat thats a total attention whore though and made the whole process slightly less immersive. I find it difficult not loosing focus when he constantly rubs up against me, licks, scratches, etc - dont get me wrong, hes a nice cat, but ahh! Then it was on to breakfast and off to the school to do some prep for my lab today.

Gonna go for a hike here in a bit with a friend and then come back to finish up before lunch and returning for more lab stuff. Despite my difficulties with some aspects of my schooling I am quite happy that I finally switched my area of study.

Anyways, hope everyone enjoys the moment.
TOC

 

[simco]

Things sounds pretty good, TOC. It sounds like you're doing what you need to do to counter feelings of isolation, which is one of the hardest things to do when that doesn't come naturally. You're doing great.

 

[tired of crap]

Things are going yes. Pretty good? Yes, right now they are. Later? Well Ill deal with that when we get there haha

Yes I became very... Isolated? Antisocial? ... Somewhere on that side of things anyways... When I was in my last relationship. She didnt like my friends much and would rather stay inside, smoke chronic a lot and play video games. We were very co-dependant and thus I drifted away from my self.

Jump forward a little over a year since she finally moved out and Im still trying to find a version of myself that I can be truly happy with.

I find every time I relapse I see the old me really come through and thats another aspect as to why I need to quit drinking. Im not happy being that shape of myself. I find Im impatient, cold, lazy (I dont need to go on) and worst of all self destructive.

I dont feel the need to berate myself over my choices but I do feel its important to be able to recognize them and the changes they make. And Id like to start making positive changes again.

And fall seems like the perfect time to do that. I saw some meme (or some crap someone posted to facebook) I was going to try to paraphrase but Id do it no justice. Instead I found the quote

“If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living"

I like the idea of learning what it is you dont like about yourself and how to make the necessary changes to be a different person.

Happy afternoon

 

[tired of crap]

Well I went away for the weekend with my daughter, her mom (my ex) and her new partner and baby. We took a 3 day vacation visiting a science centre and such.

While these times with my ex and her new spouse are awkward, especially given the reason she left was to have another baby, and Im not much for babys myself,0 they do provide insight into previous me's actions. Watching my ex pull the same stunts (ie whining when shes hungry and refusing to eat any one of the plethora of snacks on hand) and seeing Randys (her new partners) response and how that in turn ellicts a different response than what my previous actions woulda been - is quite eye opening. Well I dont think this behaviour would generate the same response from me now and definitely not with a new partner (god help me if my next partner does shit like that though - Id run) it is quite a learning experience and Im glad that she has found someone that can be patient with her and thus allow her to be the best her she can.

However Randy likes drinking. Almost as much as I do (but for some reason Tash never considered his drinking problematic - perhaps it has something to do with amount and reason for consuming? ha) and he grabbed some beers the one night. I politely declined the first night. But the second day was stressful as my daughter got a bad headache so we couldnt do much. But with Randys add kicking in he was chomping at the bit to gtfo of the hotel room. And for some reason I drew short straw and we went to the science center together. Admittedly hes a good guy and we had fun - acting like kids, pretty classic really haha ... Anyways by the time we got back I was exhausted mentally and physically and I had a beer. Despite wanting more and having more I abstained.

That night and the next day it was all I could think about. About how after I got home from the long drive Id have a few, nap and get to school work. Well I didnt end up getting back to their place until late and decided itd be better to get some sleep before making the 4 hour trek home. Id like to say that when I got home yesterday I abstained, despite coming up with a plethora of ways to do so without alcohol I justified needing to unwind with a beer or 3 - "Ill only drink once a week after one of my long drives." So I drank my drinks and decided I needed out - feeling isolated. So I took a long stroll through the woods to my old neighbours, for a visit. Had a few smokes and strolled back in time to make some yummy dinner and food prep for the week. A bunch of water and some snacks later I made it to bed at an early hour and slept pretty well. Got up this morning and did my routine, breakfast, short nap, run, shower and more food. Going out for a hike here shortly with a friend.

Despite still drinking Im seeing a change take place. I know if I continue to drink and it gets outta hand again itll revert. But so long as Im heading in the right direction Im content. Rome wasnt built in a day and neither were my good habits. Im just tired of that lifestyle - on all levels. Its time to live again.

May your tuesday be tantalizing.
TOC

 

[tired of crap]

Haha shit some days... Funny how things can change so quickly..

Hike was good. But as were good friends and quite open with each other we always seem to talk about heavy subjects. Dont get me wrong its nice to be able to vent and get insight and then listen and do the same. Some days its just taxing and now Im spent.

On the drive home I found I was thinking about drinking this morning and napping before getting to work -I find Im most likely to drink when Im tired (physically or emotionally and/or hungry). But I kept on past the store and then came home with the intent of venting some more here then diving into some hobbies before a nap and finally school work - but I just saw a note that my daughter wrote to my mom when she was sick but never got to give it to her (it got lost in the fray or something and then reappeared last weekend).

Damn, that really got to me. I cant believe its been 9 months since Mom passed away. Time goes on and Ive learned to adjust my life to deal with the void but I cant say its any easier. Well thats not exactly true. I find its not always on my mind like it was so in that sense its easier. But when I get down to thinking about it it still hurts. She was the only parent I could talk with, relate to, be myself with - my dads kinda a doofus, though I do go out of my way to try and connect with him more now. As well as other family members who were once more distant.

So between the mild hangover/cravings, the exhaustion (physical and emotional) and this sudden upheaval of emotion Im spinning. Thankfully Im far more grounded than last week and I dont anticipate a slip. Instead, as mentioned, I plan on filling the alcohol void with, at the least, some productive hobbies - and hopefully some school work.

Nap first though.

 

[tired of crap]

Food, rest and time definitely helped combat the spinning.

But I struggle to accomplish anything school related. I have heaps and yet Ive stalled. Again.
What I find frustrating is that I thoroughly enjoy the lab component. But the theory, reading and prepping for labs.. bleck ..
What I need is a project based course or something, find an interesting topic, research, understand then produce, seems simple enough. But as I only minored I wont have the prerequisites before completing next summer.

Suppose I should focus on the current but when Im struggling my mind often wanders. C'est la vie.
...
Although these times are difficult for me I am grateful for the progress Ive made up until this point. Doesnt seem like that long ago I had just started this thread.
What a difference a year makes - I often forget and wallow in self pity when I should be thankful. And I am ... but damn...

I dont know why but this quote (from a book I read a while back by Mark Lawrence) popped into mind when typing this:
"Clarity of vision is a thing much prized. I find when you turn the clear light upon yourself - and see through to the truth behind your own actions - it might be better to be blind.

Though Id have to say I whole heartedly disagree that itd be better to be blind. Clarity of vision has allowed me, all of us on our journeys, to be (a) better person/people - if we acknowledge and act on the insights gained. In this way I liken clarity of vision to psychedelic use. You may not like what you see but theres a reason for seeing it. Perhaps I need a good trip - it has been a while. I am due for a fresh perspective - but thall have to wait for now.

3 posts in less than a day. Feeling needy much? haha .. Yes, yes I am... But for what? Im still working that one out.

TOC

 

[aihfl]

How are you doing today? I don't feel like death and my mind is fairly clear but every time I get up and start moving around I realize I am still compromised. My friend from AA who came and brought me to his house insisted that cold turkey was dangerous and has helped me taper. I still have one 187mL bottle of Chardonnay but I'm not going to drink it unless I think I really need it. I hope the insomnia is better but I've gone 60-80 hours without sleep during these home detoxes in the past. During one particularly bad bout of detox insomnia, I drove straight through nonstop no catnaps nothing all the way from Florida to Vermont, about 24 hours. I got to Vermont in the early morning and stayed awake until I went to bed that evening. I finally crashed that evening. I think that particular spell ended up being about 80 hours total, the worst I've experienced. I've detoxed off multiple substances and alcohol is just about the worst, a close second only to benzodiazepines.

 

[tired of crap]

Well its been a few weeks.
I had to get away from this site. Reading about drugs was not helping my case. Id like to say Ive been drink free but alas thats not the case. Thankfully after that week where i drank 4 days, Ive cut back to twice a week. My goal for this week is zero and its looking very achievable.

Ive also since reimplemented my morning routine (yoga/meditation), for the most part, as well as getting back into running. But I found this still wasnt enough. I was still anxious, thoughts racing, depressed and lacking in motivation. So i said enoughs enough and started my strength routine again, as i have the best results from a combination of all of the above plus a healthy diet. Obviously.

Lately ive been struggling with the loss of my mom and adjusting to seeing my daughter way less. But why now???? Moms been gone 9 months and my schedule with my daughters been in place for 3. After my hike today with a friend (we try to get together weekly) we got to talking. She brought up a good point - now that im finally settled in my place and have time to think about something other than a to do list my mind can begin to process all the shit ive simply put aside, suppressed or tried to drink away.

Thus the last two weeks were rough, marked with severe anxiety as i began to actually recognize these issues. Thankfully as i delve further into the positive im able to better handle these instances and actually have a take away. Ie what caused this bout.

Today, while doing nothing productive i came across a very inspirational video that id like to share
https://youtu.be/VsrodbCrDXs

Be back soon, with good news of course .
TOC

 

[tired of crap]

Well not much to report but this stuck out today in my guided meditation so i thought Id just drop this here for when im reading later

"Through recognition, acceptance, and non-identification we can experience these feelings and emotions from a place of freedom"