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Binge drinking - lightheadedness

tired of crap said:
Well not much to report but this stuck out today in my guided meditation so i thought Id just drop this here for when im reading later

"Through recognition, acceptance, and non-identification we can experience these feelings and emotions from a place of freedom"
Click to expand...

Man, it's like that quote is speaking to me. As I've been circling the drain with these impulses to use, I've noticed exactly those things--recognition, acceptance and non-identification--slipping away.

That's awesome that you're doing guided meditations! I've done some in the past and always mean to make it more a part of my life.
 
tired of crap said:
Well its been a few weeks.
I had to get away from this site. Reading about drugs was not helping my case. Id like to say Ive been drink free but alas thats not the case. Thankfully after that week where i drank 4 days, Ive cut back to twice a week. My goal for this week is zero and its looking very achievable.

Ive also since reimplemented my morning routine (yoga/meditation), for the most part, as well as getting back into running. But I found this still wasnt enough. I was still anxious, thoughts racing, depressed and lacking in motivation. So i said enoughs enough and started my strength routine again, as i have the best results from a combination of all of the above plus a healthy diet. Obviously.

Lately ive been struggling with the loss of my mom and adjusting to seeing my daughter way less. But why now???? Moms been gone 9 months and my schedule with my daughters been in place for 3. After my hike today with a friend (we try to get together weekly) we got to talking. She brought up a good point - now that im finally settled in my place and have time to think about something other than a to do list my mind can begin to process all the shit ive simply put aside, suppressed or tried to drink away.

Thus the last two weeks were rough, marked with severe anxiety as i began to actually recognize these issues. Thankfully as i delve further into the positive im able to better handle these instances and actually have a take away. Ie what caused this bout.

Today, while doing nothing productive i came across a very inspirational video that id like to share
https://youtu.be/VsrodbCrDXs

Be back soon, with good news of course .
TOC
Click to expand...

I totally understand about needing to get away from BL from time to time. It's usually very therapeutic, but in certain headspaces it can put you on messy footing. I'm real glad you're back, though. <3
 
I find when Im most compulsive and anxious is when I need to stay away. Focus on the activities that promote wellness and not on wasting time (social media, bl, tv etc). Though arguably they all have their place.

Yes I am trying to incorporate more guided meditations into my routine as I find the benefits they provide so helpful throughout my daily life. Currently I can fit them in in my morning routines no problem. But I want to include them into an evening routine as well, to wind down before bed. I started last night with some yoga which has a meditation component to it. Plan is to make this routine then add another session of meditation as well. I mean really all i do is laze around on the couch after dinner til bed (which really isnt that bad considering I go to bed so damn early ~ 830)....

Today I am struggling though. I have my deferred final exam from a summer course tomorrow evening ... I didnt learn the material throughout the summer. I chose to do nothing since then. Now Im trying to squeeze it all in in a week. Now im trying to do some practice exams ... and im overwhelmed. All i need is a fifty to pass but theres so much to know. Im not afraid of failing. Im afraid of all the repercussions it brings (does that still count as not being afraid? ha). Failing will fuck up my loans, my courses this and next semester.

I need to stay focused and just study/practice but Im having trouble staying grounded/focused on the task at hand. My mind is racing and Im anxious because of all the what ifs and uncertainty.

I have the tools to deal with this but my strongest impulse is to give up and go get drunk ..
 
Taking an exam under duress sucks...sorry to hear you have to deal with all that. In situations like that (especially when I have a little voice telling me to blow off studying) my trick was always to strike a bargain with myself. I'd commit to doing n hours of studying, where n is a fairly small number. Sitting down to study for a test is tough partly because there's no obvious end to that project...you can study forever. Imposing a time limit always made sitting down and doing the work much more feasible. And sure, I'd probably do better if I did more studying. But without my self-imposed time limit, it's likely I'd do 0 hours...and I was often surprised how helpful even a brief stint studying was.

Obviously, your mileage will vary.
 
Thanks for the suggestion sim. Ill try to put it to use for this semesters classes... As lord knows i have done absolutely no studying this past month.

However, at this point, for this deferred courses, though i feel like its a lost cause - a semesters worth of work in such a short period, in a subject im not familiar with.

What bothers me the most though is that this is what i love - chemistry - and came back to do, because the thought of an accounting job (which i finished studying in the spring) bores me to high heaven. Everyone says "oh if you like it, youll put the work in and do well" ... But despite being passionate about it i havent bothered to put the work in. Why?

Perhaps this is rock bottom for me - failing this course. Ive always been a relatively functional addict. Never failed a class, got fired, dui, ruined relationships etc. Funny how things work (given my usage now - tho this isnt directly related to my current use)...

Im terrified for whats to come but i have no choice but to accept it head on ....

As a bonus... Today marks a week without drinking... Even despite this stress i managed to distract myself long enough that ive calmed down... And the (liquor) stores are all closed now anyways...
 
Wow.
Yesterday really devolved into a serious bout of anxiety which last a good few hours. After which i just shut off with some distractions - tv, web browsing etc.

I wish that i had done things a little differently and put into practice some of the things (ie a run or a brisk hike, yoga or meditation) i know would have helped immensely but cest la via - next time, perhaps.

I am proud of myself however for recognizing it almost immediately and removing myself from.the situation in an attempt to mediate the forth coming event - i left the library and went for a long drive in an attempt to go hiking but it started raining and i didnt wanna melt (though perhaps it woulda helped to soothe..). Im also proud that despite throwing on a movie i used meditative techniques to diffuse my anxiety - mostly just breathe meditation. And finally im proud that i didnt drink.

Has anyone read From.The Corner of his eye by dean koontz? Its about this boy who can travel between alternate realities (in the book they say another reality is created when a major decision/event happens), and this cop who cant but can "feel.them". Anyways, sometimes i swear i can feel them (read imagine them.. though sometimes they feel so real) and yesterday another me caved and got drunk. But at the same time, in another reality im long past this issue. And another still im still stuck on drinking. And another yet i never got past my drug addictions from when i was a teen. But i digress.

In attempting to recognize what brought this bout about (haha) ive come up with a few possible explainations - though its likely a combination thereof: yesterday was a week without drinking and im not sure why but ive always found that a difficult milestone (likely because i used to say just once a week), the stress associated around this exam/failing/the repercussions and perhaps because i had a toke the night before and screwed up my bedtime/wake up routine.

Regardless, its done and over with.
Today is a new day.
Happy monday folks.
TOC
 
So today was a better day.

Morning routine, healthy food, hike in the forest, connecting with a friends then a workout tonight.

And as i start to feel better ive decided i need to immerse myself into my hobbies again. One of my flavours of kombucha requires vanilla. And as i like that sorta thing i decided id make the extract myself. However that required i go get some high proof ethanol from the liqour store... That was an interesting experience.

As it was right after a work out and dinner i didnt really have any cravings until i got their. I recognized them right away and quickly dismissed the thought of grabbing a few beers. But now...... I dunno feeling kinda weird. Not sure how to describe it.
 
After excusing myself from my exam yesterday i thought i had made peace with it. However i got to working out late and didnt get to bed until a few hours after normal. I awoke this morning with instant anxiety. Rightfully so i suppose. Partially because my routine was off. Partially because of the obvious.

Despite my morning routine i was still anxious.

On a positive note though since i started recording the times on my runs last week ive cut over 30 seconds off my time. (Not sure of the distance).
 
Sigh. Some relief.
I intended to deal with the repercussions of missing that exam yesterday but i didnt. So my anxiety fester all day. So after my lab this morning i took care of everything.

...After taking with my prof, program counsellor and financial services my plan is to apply to late drop the course (or at worst fail it) and retake it in the winter. Although i could apply for another deferral itll come during a time when this semester is heating up and lets be honest i havent exactly situated myself in an optimal position for this semester as it is. And ill retake the course in the winter. Ill likely have to write another letter for my student loans for next semester but it wont make me inelligable, nor will it be that difficult to write, in fact im starting to think my writing skills arent as bad as i imagined them to be (my program counsellor complimented my previous letter on the request for deferral).

Next is to meet with my other profs to discuss missed assignments... But first gotta prep for tomorrows lab then start studying for a midterm on monday. But before that i have a very important nap scheduled ha

Enjoy your hump day (i know i wont be getting shit in that department ha)
 
I have been feeling better with each passing day lately as I shift my addiction from escapism to exercise and a healthy lifestyle.
I find each aspect of my routine incredibly beneficial in there own way.

I could use some more socializing though. I mean Ive only a small circle of friends and cant bug them constantly haha... So Im thinking of joining a recreational running club. But they often run 5 or 10 k and although Im quite capable of that distance its not really what Im going for these days. Im getting old and those distances are taxing haha... Ok Im not old and the distances arent that taxing - Im just making excuses. Ahh... Suppose I should just send an email to inquire...

On my own though I decided Id start recording my times. Since then Ive shaved off over a minute in about a week but today was quite taxing - albeit in a good way. Although I have no way to measure the distance (I dont have wifi on my phone and thus no fancy apps) Id have to guess its about 2 k (given my times for 4 k), which I did in 10:15 today. My goal was to get it under 9 but after today it seems like that was slightly too ambitious as it feels like Im going to plateau within the next few days. But theres no harm in trying.

Anyways I keep wasting time when theres work to be done.
Until next time..
 
You really are doing great TOC, keep up the good work :) also, I have a feeling your friends are happy to support you. That is what friends are for.
 
Yes my friends are great. And Im very thankful for them. However since I moved away from my home town, over 8 years ago now, to go to school I only kept one friend from back home (who also came to school) and I had trouble connecting with my peers because of my age/lifestyle (i was 22 when i first returned to school and now im 30, in 2nd and 3rd year courses). And during this time i was so codependant with my partner that i never had any extra circulars or hobbies in which to make friends

Thankfully I become close friends with 2 of the neighbours in my old neighbourhood, whose children are around the age of my daughter. One of them I even consider as family now. They took me in after my divorce and during moms sickness and Im blessed to have bonded with them so strongly.

However I feel i need a larger variety of friends, for different purposes, if that makes sense.. Running buddies to keep me motivated when its cold and Id rather eat macoroni by the glow of the tv. Chemistry friends to help with problems and just bounce ideas and concepts around with. You get the idea.

But alas Im rambling. Im still kinda buzzing from a 4 ho det experience this afternoon. It was my first attempt with this material despite having it safely tucked away for almost 5 years now.

It was a nice experience. A hike with one of the aforementioned neighbours and her daughters. Although there was no profound insights or connections made I feel so cleansed. Im so grateful for these substances and the reprieve they allow - without the escapism i associate with alcohol (imo, of course).

Perhaps ill try to put it more concisely tomorrow..
 
Naw, that sounds fucking awesome TOC. You’ve really done a lot for yourself in terms of setting yourself up for success. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, or is going to be, but you’ve done most of what we hope to see people do with their early recovery. For sure :)

Keep up the great work! Pretty please ;)
 
Yes its definitely not always easy - hence my most recent lapse (not that anyones counting haha). strangely enough I was craving first thing this morning though, despite the reset and feeling the glow. After not even thinking about it for the last few days. Even despite the reset and continuing my routine.I was however tired and i know this one of my triggers. So eventually i ended up smoking a little.

However, i had my daughter (my trip showed me how important it is to utilize my limited time with her) and we had a productive and enjoyable day. We finally finished her room. She enjoyed being able to decide where to hang pictures and i eventually let her hammer the nails herself. And then on the way to drop her off, we were early so we stopped at a bike trails and ran most of the course - she benefits from increased exercise too ive noticed.

This week school starts for me... Despite it starting for all my peers in sept haha time to tackle that or start planning for a job. If it comes down to it Ive got a lot of ideas for turning hobbies into businesses, - i just need a bit of start up capital. But im really hoping to learn a bit more formally, in chemistry before. So one thing at a time.

Thanks for the kind words tpd.
 
What kind of chemistry do you study/interested in? That subject used to be very close to my heart. Kinda wish I pursued it, but alas heroin took up too much of my time, you know how it can be :\

It’s a really useful field of study though, in a whole lot of ways. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the person to invent the next “Krazy Glue” or something ;)
 
I really dig organic chemistry and thats what im taking but i also have analytical courses.

I admired Hoffman and Shulgin as a teen and more recently Nicholos and Nutt.
And Im hoping to understand just a sliver of the field. Realistically, I doubt ill do anything profound in the field im just hoping to apply it to my field of interest - medicinal plants, ethnobotanicals and drugs. Though lectures and theory bore me unless i can find a relation to my interests.
...
I just asked a prof for an extension on a midterm and he said he had no problem but then proceeded to tell me id never find a decent job in the field with merely a minor and esp with shit marks. And he didnt buy my depression and anxiety story because he was a political refugee. And eventually logic and interest in the subject should kick in and one should be able to get out of the house. He proceeded to tell me that while i may be able to pass his class thats because he tries to make it easy but theres no way ill be able to pass my other courses given the hole im in and should just consider going to work as an accountant.

I suppose i wasnt looking for sympathy but .. i dunno, it seemed kinda.. harsh?... Guess i needed to hear some of that but... Now i dunno. Im questioning so many of my choices now, just when i thought i was coming to terms with them and heading in the right direction.
..
Curious though tpd, a while back you said you had graduated iirc and more recently in another thread i thought you had mentioned you were busy with school.. what subject are you taking
 
I'm in a masters of divinity in buddhist chaplaincy program. It's my way of being able to explore buddhist psychology and get formally recognized for my study. It's something I became interested in due to my passion for clinical applications of mindful awareness based practices. For undergrad I did a BA in Human Rights Studies and Philosophy (went into school for engineering and basically came out with a philosophy degree LOL). It's weird being back in school after seven years, but I'm rather liking it.
 
Thats awesome that youre studying something youre so passionate about. What are youre plans for when youve finished?

I learned a long time ago the importance of mindfulness in my life. However i was a little slow incorporating it into my daily routine. Typically ive been pretty consistent over these last few years but seeing the positive changes it has produced Id love to devote more time to it, at night as well.
 
Well, as for now I’m always starting by volunteering at a major hospital in LA facilitating mindful meditation groups for hospital staff. I would also like to start volunteering for a public health and housing non-profit called LAMP (formerly LAMP, now TPC) based out of downtown LA/skid row. I’d love to work for them down the road. I’m mostly interested in working as a psycho-spiritual/inter-spiritual chaplain (providing inter-spiritual care and counseling) to methadone clinic patients.

Realistically I’ll probably work as a healthcare/hospital chaplain, or at least that is where I’ll be doing my clinical hours and residency. But I am most excited about working with ORT clients and those affiliated with LAMP (they are the best model for housing/mental health services for the indigent and homeless in the area, very much like the organization Gabor Mate worked for in Vancouver.

What kind of mindful awareness techniques do you practice? How did you learn about the mindfulness stuff, and do you have any favorite teachers or organizations in the industry? Mindful awareness was what was missing from my recovery prior to discovering MBSR. It has become the foundation for my sobriety these days. It’s crazy how meditation did more for pain when I broke the bone in my foot than narcotic pain meds did.

It’s just a super useful skill to learn. My mom has since gotten interested in it and has been working with one of my early mentors. It is amazing seeing how much she has changed even in just the last few months. We have an infinitely better relationship now that we each are really working on ourselves, it’s just such a wonderful thing given all the trauma her and I have been through related to the horrors of substance use disorder and so-called (abusive/exploitive/manipulative/cultish) treatment programs. I’ll take my secular mindfulness community any day over abstience only communities.
 
That sounds like a righteous plan. Helping people by teaching them about what helped you...i dig it!

Glad to hear both you and your mom are benefiting so much from these techniques..

Honestly im not sure how i came across them. But when i first moved to town my landlord, who lived above me, held meditation groups weekly. He had been to numerous vipassana retreats here in ontario and somehow ended up hosting sessions for locals who had also been. So i joined them sporadically. And practiced on my own even less so. Then about 5 years ago i started working weird shifts but they gave me the opportunity to incorporate mindfulness before work.

At that time i downloaded a set of guided insight meditation sessions - breath, walking, body sensations, hindrances, emotions and metta - which i just loop through weekly. Thus i cant say i have any favourites as ive honestly never tried anything else.

Do you think it would be beneficial to incorporate other techniques into my routine? If so, could you please make some recommendations. Thanks
 
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