I've been taking codeine cold water extracts, pretty stupid, like I haven't had cravings or anything it was for the increased pain sensitivity of benzo wd's and my actual chronic pain debilitating me.
Having chronic pain and a 10/10 full blown panic attack disorder, I have no idea how I will ever get off this stuff. I won't, but I need to lower my tolerance continue doing so.
I was 2 doses away from a medical emergency and I dose every 6 - 8 hours. I'm in withdrawal most of that time. Etizolam has a 3.5 hours half life and at the 3 mark point I start withdrawing unless it was my previous stable dose. Then I start passing out from exhaustion and I know it's time to drop again.
It is hell on earth, trying so hard to put my life back together after opiates and being fucked with by this shit now. It's not even like I'm fucking myself anymore I can't just quit I'd die. I would 100% drop dead within a day. I'd be shocked if I lived for 2 or 3 but it would have to be life support. How exactly the fuck is that supposed to help my anxiety these bastards were the first to give me benzos on a whim. They should obviously know better or do better screening for treating panic attacks. I get addicted to everything, even 2c-c, weed, and coffee for fucks sake.
My focus has been on self care this morning. I just have to shave. I have about a week supply of etizolam and I'm luckily getting weed for work today so I don't have to meet my pot dealer. This afternoon is going to be high intensity math preparing my friend for his test, but I get a decent amount of weed for it and have like .4 left. I've been too exhausted from benzo withdrawal to prepare enough so I am deciding to take a new approach to the teaching today out of sheer exhaustion. He's probably on speed. I'm slamming coffees and indica tokes so I can keep up. His thinking is a lot faster than mine, not that this means he is smarter, just thinks about things faster. So it's a chill dynamic I tone down the abstraction enough for him to conceptualize.
And yeah I woke up in horrible benzo withdrawals because it takes a few days for it to get back in my system and I never dose every 8 hours I only was because if I hadn't I would be in the hospital right now if I was still alive. I'm not even exaggerating that's how much I'm living on the edge. I should consider telling my doctor but that's a big move to think about and a personal choice. My tolerance to benzos is extreme and it's like going through withdrawal over and over. It isn't as painful as dope with the tapering but it makes me feel so damn stupid and incapacitated.
My life has become hell I am prepared to set myself free of these stupid drugs I got way too deep into. How can you look at heroin like it's not even really a drug anymore but taking it for these withdrawals to me at this point, for like a week straight, would be like taking some tylenol to calm my nerves a little. It's not any worse or any better it's just way more life threatening.
