Should I tell my boyfriend that another man took advantage of me while I was drunk?

[Daryldixon_2015]

This is gonna be a long one! ;-; im not a drinker. I've been drunk a total of two times in my life, & I have no desire to drink again. I just usually do not have the urge to drink alcohol. On the two occasions that I did drink, it was b/c I had decided that YOLO & I NEVER do anything "wild". on the second occasion I was at a trusted friend's house & felt completely safe & comfortable with everyone. We were having a bonfire. Well, I commence getting hammered. Everything is hazy. I decide to go inside & sit on the couch, & just chill by myself. A guy I somewhat know, but not really, (he's a friend of my friends) comes & sits down by me. We talk for a while (or not a while... I don't remember I was extremely drunk at this point) & as I go to the back room to go to sleep, he follows me. All night he had asked me to "cuddle". I would giggle & say no, I have a man. Normally I would never consent to a male even so much as sleeping in the same bed with me, except my boyfriend of one year whom I care for very much. He's perfect, everything I've ever wanted. Well, the guy gets in bed with me & I vaguely remember saying over and over AND OVER that I didn't want to DO ANYTHING WITH HIM, and that I have a boyfriend.

Next thing I know he is in the bed kissing on me. I once again tell him no and he says "it's just a kiss". Well I'm thinking who does this guy think he is?! I said no. Several times. Suddenly I remember just laying on my back with him on top of me. He strips me of my clothes, and I remember not being able to move my body at all. I was limp as he pulled off my clothes. Over & over I muttered "no, no, this is wrong"; "I don't want to"; "I have a boyfriend". He still has the audacity to say to me: "Can I f*** you? Yes or no, I need an answer. Yes or no." After I've protested against what he was doing multiple times. Also, he kept asking me if I was on birth control. I am in fact on the pill. I should've lied & said no, I wasn't on the pill, but when I'm drunk I can't lie, I just can't. So like a true drunken idiot I say "I'm on the pill, why?" The next thing I remember is him (aggressively) inside of me just going at it. I still cannot move. I'm still slurring "I have a boyfriend" over & over. It's still a blur but after he's done he lays beside me & I just remember crying, extremely bad, and going on & on about everything I was upset about at that particular moment. (Drunk people do that apparently) and he plays the superhero thing & holds me. Which repulsed me. But I couldn't move.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning, throwing up a lottttttt, with my lady bits being really sore, and my friends repeadily telling me "this kind of stuff just happens, it's no big deal. Your boyfriend doesn't have to know." ..... I do not feel okay with what happened at all. I feel like a slut & I feel violated. As I said this was only the second time I've ever drank, the first time I ever got THAT drunk. I do however take 100% responsibility for choosing to get THAT drunk. That is my fault. I'm confused as to how I should feel about this, & what I should do. Though my "friends" said not to I strongly feel that I should tell my boyfriend eventually. I tell him everything. But I question telling him b/c he is very protective (not possessive) and I feel that he might try to a) hurt someone or b) (worst case scenario) get mad at me, call me a cheater, and leave me. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but not telling him is killing me. Also I'm questioning whether or not me feeling guilty & completely worthless is justified. Ideas?

 

[Mysterie]

can you break your post into paragraphs so that its easier to read?

a wall of text will discourage people from reading and replying

 

[PotatoMan]

please logout of your regular account when posting in anonymous. welcome to BL.

anonymous -----> SLR

 

[Mysterie]

i'm not sure if you mentioned how long ago this incident occurred?

i would report the guy that raped you to the police. even if he isn't prosecuted, it will help if there are sexual abuse cases against him in the future.

you repeatedly told him that you did not want to have intercourse, and you were physically incapacitated to fight him off.

it is not your fault that he took advantage of you, and it doesn't make you a 'slut'. the guy that raped you is scum and he deserves to be punished.
if you think your bf will get physically violent against the guy (and you don't want that), just tell it to the cops, and talk to a counsellor. if your bf gets angry at you when you tell him (if you choose to), he is also scum and i would break up with him personally.

your friends who told you 'this shit happens' are also scum for the way they reacted to this situation, i don't really think they deserve the title of 'friend'. i don't at all think this is your fault, but this might be a wake up call to re-assess the people you hang out with? if this crowd is down with rapists.

i'm terribly sorry you were violated in this way.

 

[Daryldixon_2015]

Thanks for the input. This actually happened about a day ago. I am also completely done with these people. The main friend I was even there for actually was the one that told me I should drink with them & that she would watch & take care of me. Which obviously did not happen.

I just don't understand why she is so calm about the whole thing, when she usually is very protective over me. It's very shocking to me & is indeed a major wake up call.

 

[Bagseed]

I would also report this person to the police. you should also talk with your partner about it, he should be able to understand.

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you :/

ps: don't feel like a slut, somebody took advantage of you, it wasn't your fault at all.

 

[-=SS=-]

I think you should tell your boyfriend.. you've had a traumatic experience, he can offer you important emotional support. If you tell him what you've stated here I can't see how he would blame you for this.. yes it was your fault for getting shitfaced drunk, which placed you in a vulnerable position, but it was not your fault for the actions of the other person.. especially given you made it clear you wanted nothing. If your boyfriend is like me then he might feel compelled to go rough up this other guy though.. which is pretty justified to be honest.. these people will only ever learn through direct confrontation for their outrageous behavior.

The other guy used your vulnerability in that drunken state to his advantage. Not your fault at all.

Important lesson for women though.. if you're going to get shitfaced always have a buddy with you who you trust solidly. What happened to you almost happened to my ex a night when I wasn't there and her 'friend' lost track of her. Don't blame yourself for the small percentage of uncivilized men out there.

 

[l33t]

You can dress your action with alcohol as much as you want but your behaviour is clearly showing that subconsiously you surrended to this man, whether you want to admit it , whether u had the best judgment or not. You can dress yourself as not a cheater and make it seem like alcohol made you do everything and you couldnt resist. But you being able to replyi "Yes I am on pills" rather than if you dont stand up and SAY FUCK OFF I WILL CALL THE POLICE. No matter how drunk you were, if you were able to say "yes I am on pills" you could as well say "fuck off im calling the police". For all I know I get extremely drunk and biologically I went very close BUT BUT BUT I've never done shit like that EVER.

I have hit many girls that had a boyfriend and when I was kissing them they were telling them NO I have a boyfriend but I will be a bit pushy about it, but not disrespect. You tell me to fuck off and I off. You tell me... oh I have a boyfriend.... THIS DOESNT MEAN to ME that you dont want to do something with me ! It means that now I am aware that you have a boyfriend but I still choose to hit you. BUT if you tell me to fuck off I will ! Most girls say no no I have a boyfriend at the beginning but if you hit her nicely and you respect her and you are better than her ex they will leave them for you.
The truth is you are cheater and not only you can't alcohol but you don't admit your subconsious actions by diverting them through alcohol.

Of course you should tell your boyfriend and be ready to get dumped. I hope he loves you and he is willing to fix your issues !

 

[-=SS=-]

I have hit many girls that had a boyfriend and when I was kissing them they were telling them NO I have a boyfriend but I will be a bit pushy about it, but not disrespect.

The fuck is this bullshit. If they told you they have a partner then you leave them alone.. give them some respect, and have some self-respect to not be a desperate man who can't keep his dick in his pants. When you end up on the receiving end of a cheating partner you might understand.

Your attempt to justify your actions using half-baked psychology is laughable. You would probably have much in common with the offender in the OP's story.. no doubt he too would try and spin this around to make the OP seem like the guilty party. Someone under the influence is not in their rational state of mind, especially when they're inexperienced with a substance.

Go tell your mother what you just wrote here, see if she doesn't slap you hard and disown you.

 

[Meow1243]

You can dress your action with alcohol as much as you want but your behaviour is clearly showing that subconsiously you surrended to this man, whether you want to admit it , whether u had the best judgment or not.

Uhhhm what? She can dress her actions? How about lack there of. She didn't do anything which can be quite easy if you are completely wasted. Yes it's her fault for getting so drunk but she already admitted that. However it is not her fault that she was raped, not in the least bit.

She told him over and over that she had a bf and when he asked if she was on the pill she said yes. I'm not surprised that she told the truth even if it wasn't good that she did. When you're under the influence of alcohol you're not thinking straight or able to make very smart decisions, atleast not in my experience.

Op you've done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. You put your trust in the wrong "friends" and they failed you. They let you get raped and then tried to down play it when you confided in them what happened. Like others have said I would report this to the police.

If you decide to tell your bf I don't think that he would see it as you cheating, especially with there being a police report and whatnot. I think you should be open and honest with him about it considering if you do try to hide it from him and he finds out he may think that you were actually cheating.

You've done nothing wrong and if your bf chooses to see it that way then he isn't a good guy. Fuck your so called "friends" find yourself some new ones. I am so sorry that you went through this, you definitely need someone to lean on, be it your bf, family, or a therapist.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I would also report this person to the police. you should also talk with your partner about it, he should be able to understand.

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you :/

ps: don't feel like a slut, somebody took advantage of you, it wasn't your fault at all.

This. Do tell your boyfriend, and the police. Also do not beat yourself up about what happened.

 

[nekointheclouds]

Thanks for the input. This actually happened about a day ago. I am also completely done with these people. The main friend I was even there for actually was the one that told me I should drink with them & that she would watch & take care of me. Which obviously did not happen.

I just don't understand why she is so calm about the whole thing, when she usually is very protective over me. It's very shocking to me & is indeed a major wake up call.

This isnt "taking advantage" of you, if you said no and repeatidly said no then this is Rape. Straight up Rape.

And You really need to have it reported and tell the police who was involved AND have a rape kit done and also get tested for STDs. Rape should be brushed off, this will have mental consequences for you far beyond what your boyfriend thinks. But I do think you really need to tell him because this will have a bigger impact on you than I think you realize.

 

[nekointheclouds]

You can dress your action with alcohol as much as you want but your behaviour is clearly showing that subconsiously you surrended to this man, whether you want to admit it , whether u had the best judgment or not. You can dress yourself as not a cheater and make it seem like alcohol made you do everything and you couldnt resist. But you being able to replyi "Yes I am on pills" rather than if you dont stand up and SAY FUCK OFF I WILL CALL THE POLICE. No matter how drunk you were, if you were able to say "yes I am on pills" you could as well say "fuck off im calling the police". For all I know I get extremely drunk and biologically I went very close BUT BUT BUT I've never done shit like that EVER.

I have hit many girls that had a boyfriend and when I was kissing them they were telling them NO I have a boyfriend but I will be a bit pushy about it, but not disrespect. You tell me to fuck off and I off. You tell me... oh I have a boyfriend.... THIS DOESNT MEAN to ME that you dont want to do something with me ! It means that now I am aware that you have a boyfriend but I still choose to hit you. BUT if you tell me to fuck off I will ! Most girls say no no I have a boyfriend at the beginning but if you hit her nicely and you respect her and you are better than her ex they will leave them for you.
The truth is you are cheater and not only you can't alcohol but you don't admit your subconsious actions by diverting them through alcohol.

Of course you should tell your boyfriend and be ready to get dumped. I hope he loves you and he is willing to fix your issues !

All she has to say is No. You are incredibly wrong and misogynistic and your opinions make you a terrible person. Your terribly misguided opinions about this situation reflect your deep deep insecurities and it is really fucking sad.

 

[DutchBloke]

I would strongly suggest talking this over, not just to maintain trust between the two of you but also for you own mental health.

 

[Daryldixon_2015]

Lol. Guys I'm not even worried about the idiot saying the stupid shit, he honestly sounds like a rapist & I didn't even read the whole post to be honest.

But anyway! I went to the ER & got tested and examined. I also filed a report with the police. Thanks so much for all of the positive input! I've yet to tell my boyfriend about it but I plan to tell him tomorrow, when I can see him in person.

 

[Daryldixon_2015]

You can dress your action with alcohol as much as you want but your behaviour is clearly showing that subconsiously you surrended to this man, whether you want to admit it , whether u had the best judgment or not. You can dress yourself as not a cheater and make it seem like alcohol made you do everything and you couldnt resist. But you being able to replyi "Yes I am on pills" rather than if you dont stand up and SAY FUCK OFF I WILL CALL THE POLICE. No matter how drunk you were, if you were able to say "yes I am on pills" you could as well say "fuck off im calling the police". For all I know I get extremely drunk and biologically I went very close BUT BUT BUT I've never done shit like that EVER.

I have hit many girls that had a boyfriend and when I was kissing them they were telling them NO I have a boyfriend but I will be a bit pushy about it, but not disrespect. You tell me to fuck off and I off. You tell me... oh I have a boyfriend.... THIS DOESNT MEAN to ME that you dont want to do something with me ! It means that now I am aware that you have a boyfriend but I still choose to hit you. BUT if you tell me to fuck off I will ! Most girls say no no I have a boyfriend at the beginning but if you hit her nicely and you respect her and you are better than her ex they will leave them for you.
The truth is you are cheater and not only you can't alcohol but you don't admit your subconsious actions by diverting them through alcohol.

Of course you should tell your boyfriend and be ready to get dumped. I hope he loves you and he is willing to fix your issues !

Lol. What? Are you fucking serious? ... You know what bro, you're totally right. Thanks for the input you are so fucking smart it's unbelievable.

 

[Bagseed]

Lol. Guys I'm not even worried about the idiot saying the stupid shit, he honestly sounds like a rapist & I didn't even read the whole post to be honest.

But anyway! I went to the ER & got tested and examined. I also filed a report with the police. Thanks so much for all of the positive input! I've yet to tell my boyfriend about it but I plan to tell him tomorrow, when I can see him in person.

good for you, and if your boyfriend is a good soul, he will be supportive.

 

[axl blaze]

better be easy when you tell the boyfriend

I think it's imperative that you do tell him, but if my lady told me something like this I would prepared to fucking kill the guy

not saying that is good or bad... just saying

 

[CfZrx]

All she has to say is No. You are incredibly wrong and misogynistic and your opinions make you a terrible person. Your terribly misguided opinions about this situation reflect your deep deep insecurities and it is really fucking sad.

First, rapers are mean dicks. Now Neko, since you mentioned misogyny, I wonder if you think I am a misogynist for posting on FB that I can't stand womens perfume? A buddy of mine said I am a misogynist for saying this.

 

[l33t]

The fuck is this bullshit. If they told you they have a partner then you leave them alone.. give them some respect, and have some self-respect to not be a desperate man who can't keep his dick in his pants. When you end up on the receiving end of a cheating partner you might understand.

Your attempt to justify your actions using half-baked psychology is laughable. You would probably have much in common with the offender in the OP's story.. no doubt he too would try and spin this around to make the OP seem like the guilty party. Someone under the influence is not in their rational state of mind, especially when they're inexperienced with a substance.

Go tell your mother what you just wrote here, see if she doesn't slap you hard and disown you.

Why if a girl tells you she has a boyfriend you leave her alone ? Do you automatically assume that she is monogamous ?!? If I like a girl, I will try to hit her. If she tells me she has a boyfriend, why should I automatically assume that she doesn't want my kiss ? If she wanted to tell me she doesnt want my kiss, she would tell me that. I dont want you to kiss me. Girls saying no and then surrender IS COMPLETELY natural and happens for 99% of all mamalian spieces. Its in our biology to hit girls and bit a bit pushy and girls to say no no until they surrender. No matter if its a kangoroo or a rat its the same. Guy hits girl, girl says no no, then surrenders if the male keeps hitting. THIS MEANS that when a girls tells me I have a boyfriend it means that I have a boyfriend but also I am open to other things. IF YOU DONT WANT A KISS YOU DONT SAY I HAVE A BOYFRIEND , you say I DONT WANT YOU TO KISS ME. You can look at me like a raper but I respect women to the point of not many people in the world can even think about. Just because you understand how we react biologically on some insticts it doest mean disrespect. Thinking that a girl saying no no and me being pushy about getting her ( WITHOUT ANY CHEATING WHATSOEVER ) is all a hot game. Just like slapping women in bed, the action on its own is disrespectful but in no way slapping a woman that likes it in bed makes you a raper or whatever title you want to put me. If I ever get the SLIGHTEST hint thats no part of the game and she GENUINELY doesnt like me, I am off that exact second. There was only one time when I was very pushy with a girl saying no no I have a boyfriend but I was only 16 at that time, finally she surrendered and we stayed together for sometime, after a while I hated that she cheat her bf and I never did it again. Of course I was young and naive and this is cheating , I would never do this now, I don't want a cheating gf. It was just an example to show that many girls will try to test you if you are SERIOUSLY into her by saying I have a boyfriend etc.... Nowadays if she says I have a boyfriend I will ask well do you fuck with other guys or are you into a monogamous relationship ? If she says I am into a monogamous relationship I will still try to win her if I really want that but not by her cheating with her boyfriend, she would have to dump him first or agree to be in polygamous relationship. Unfortuantely, you should understand why they say I have a boyfriend and not I dont want to be in a relationship at the moment or I dont want you. My mother would never hit me , let alone if I just had a wrong opinion, unlike yours I guess since you seem to believe that mothers hit their kids when they have wrong opinion. Hitting someone is apeshit and its the similar to raping, maybe you should report your mom for hitting you.

Daryldixon_2015 : Thanks. I might be totally wrong and I am sorry if I show disrespect to you but I am being honest and cant help of thinking of you surrended to that man. I still believe that and I cant even believe that at this point you care if your boyfriend will call you a cheater. If I was in your situation that would be my last of my concern plus its irrational to feel that you cheated since you say you got raped ?!?! Why did it even crossed your mind that your bf will say that you cheated if you say you got raped?!? Doesnt make any sense to me to think like that unless you had SOME part in it. I can't believe that the whole thread is about if you should tell your boyfriend and not about you being used and getting help to recover from this ?! You dont seem hurt ? Plus the way you replied that I am totally right and unbelievable smart its the way girls reply when they are getting caught redhanded. Again I am sorry about this BUT I STICK with my opinion 100%. I am just a person that can cut through the BS easily... and my instict tells me I am right. Again if I am not I ask you sorry, but you know better than me. Also you shouldnt feel slut or cheater guilty and completely worthless IN ANYWAY UNLESS YOU HAD SOME PART in it? 4 words that describe more cheating than raping. you should be using words like hurt, anger and fear.

Meow1243: Of course. LACK OF. That is what I am talking about. For all I know its funny how alcohol makes people cheat but I have NEVER EVER EVER CHEATED consciously or hit or talked bad to a girl or let anyone rape me. Yes when I was younger I would hit girls but when they told me no I have a boyfriend I would still hit her ( BUT NOT KISS HER OR MAKE HER DO ANYTHING SHE WOULDNT WANT ) but I will tell her nice things and if she wants to dump her boyfriend for me thats cool. Cheating/hitting/raping is EXTREMELY wrong. Playing and trying to win a girl and have her surrender to you and maybe some aggressiveness in the bed is NO DISRESPECT , its all part of the game. In fact is part of respecting and loving someone even if the sexual act seems so similar to an aggressive/fight act. Sex is an aggressive act, thats why children think dad hits mom while they have sex. Its a fine line of respect, too little chasing and its not hot enough , major raping without conscent and its too much......

Unfortuantely, i know more girls that they decided they got raped the morning by her drunked decisions than the ones that I actually know they got raped. This looks like textbook one of them. Just speaking my mind loud. Just like echoes85 says ""taking advantage" translates to "he knew i was into him so he made a move and i went with it then had to find a way out of the consequences afterwards." "

nekointheclouds: If all animals stopped when one gender said no then there would be no animals. Part of the sexual experience is one gender to surrender to another and this never happens, at least with most mammalians, without one gender playing the no-no game. I am really curious how you hit girls ? I've never had a girl say yes to everything immediately, that would make her so boring. This is part of the sexual game/reproductivity, it has nothing to do with respect.