it's crazy hearing what some people here have gone through, makes me feel hella the fuck lucky.. here's my story with ccc's, me and my girl called them ceasers.
first time a friend gave me a sheet(8) because he couldn't take them anymore with his ulcers, didn't feel shit at first and then i felt WEIRD like i'd never felt. like fuckin weeeird man. then i got sick a bit and don't remember much. i know that after the first 15 minutes i pulled myself out of the antisocial hole i was digging and ended up having a really pleasant, if weird, time. my other friend's sister came over and i was somehow raping ass in CS:S, friend talking shit for me on the mic. i turn around and she immediately asks what i'm fucked up on. when win the map i was on, i spun the chair and abruptly fell myself to the ground and laid there motionless in front of her sister, slumped over my legs. then after getting lost in my thoughts for a few minutes i popped the fuck up and went 'baaaaaaah' rather excitedly and she jumped up and screamed for like 30 seconds.. lol.
took it maybe a few times in the next year cuz the first time was so fun, but usually felt the strong need to be in a tiny dark isolated box; decided it wasn't a drug to risk doing around people. i usually felt highly self-aware and socially inept or incapable, and felt that i looked really fucked up, making me anxious and pretty uncomfortable even around close friends.
meth happened, got betrayed and framed by said friend who gave me ceasers for the first time. and i got sent to foster care, ended up rooming with a really pretty foster girl my age, we were both really sad and addicted to feeling anything but the norm. we started off just doing duster but after a day or two she talked about how she's a recovering mucinex addict, had been on it six months straight back in feb. she always called it moose cuz when she was high and people asked what she was on, that's what she called it. in a day or two i was hooked. for some reason when i took it with her, everything was beautiful, high detail instead of just too intense, lights were loud and we lived in darkness when we had the chance, i felt so happy and loving and i wanted to interact with everybody i saw. we also walked around with weird jerky, odd movements, not even just a robo walk, like we just would move around hella weird cuz it was enjoyable. we'd make trips to the bathroom together late at night cuz down stairs was scary alone and we had to help each other down the stairs and we felt it took to long to push a piss out and wanted company. when we'd look in the mirror our faces looked totally different, and we'd stand there for hours admiring how skinny and pretty the both of us looked, making faces and talking and staring at ourselves. we actually probably did look a lot thinner cuz we hardly ever ate and clenching all my muscles almost 24/7. when we'd start to get our faces back we'd redose.
it went on like that for about two and a half weeks, by the end up which we were taking up to a box and a half of ceasers a day on average, and two or three sheets of mucinex maximum strength(60mg stinky horse pills). i remember things like being at work and just sweating profusely, no matter how cool it was. at night in bed i'd have the thin covers on, have chills and a cold sweat, but everything under the skin felt very warm. i'd try to watch episodes of NCIS while my foster sister would draw and only have a memory of about ten seconds, couldn't understand shit and everything seemed foreign and lacking context. noticeably delayed mental reactions, for example seeing something mostly unfamiliar and deciding what it is, answering questions/sometimes replying to comment, although when i did respond i usually spoke pretty quickly. she almost NEVER slept and i somehow managed a few hours a night, might have gotten more but she'd wake me up in at least 30 minutes because she missed me and felt lonely without my consciousness. she always wanted to cuddle up and talk about the deepest stuff or sing modest mouse. it felt like the simplest things had so much meaning and beauty that we couldn't normally see, but by about two weeks in they weren't yummy little red skittles, and we definitely couldn't barely almost taste cherry on the coating anymore.
one day towards the end of the binge late at night, my foster sister was describing our dark room to be traveling to different places. i dismissed this since i was trying to find sleep, when i heard a sound like the bed springs creaking fast and the bed frame just barely taptaptaping against the wall. then she goes, bro my bed is shaking. and i'm thinking she's tripping so i'm like i'm sure it's not, and she says 'yes it is, come feel it! it's gonna wake (fosterdad) and (fostermom) up!!' so i go over and feel the bed and it's vibrating a little, but then when i felt her she was shaking violently, worse than we had normally been. also, this happened to be the night we had more ceasers than moose and were both too sick of the smell to take much of the moose we had. she said she was freezing cold but when i felt her she was hella burning up, and said her heart felt fluttery and skippy. i sat with her a while and tried to talk it down, but the cats had brought fleas everywhere and they were biting the fuck out of me and i couldn't stop staring and watching for them, and on top of the the top of my inner ear got so hot on the side i was laying on beforehand that it actually made a little sliver blister and peel, which was unpleasant. we just ended up making ourselves worse, since i was then thinking i was gonna die too(we thought this was the end). so we sat there in fear and watched our room drop through all these dark, different places in time like an elevator. by this time i was having the same side effects as her, and my heart beat didn't even seem like a beat anymore, just random half assed weak thumps. after a while in silence i announced that i was not afraid to die and would not let this fear 'keep my happy out' and she agreed that dying in fear was terrible, said something along the lines of, 'if we keep our happy close then death can take us away happy, and that's not something to be so scared of right?' so we got up and danced strange robo dances together until all the fear was gone and all we felt was joy. i don't dance EVER and to this day i still have yet to see anyone dance with such feeling.. luckily we didn't end up dying that night.
somehow, nobody had ANY idea that we were fucked up on DXM, the only way we got caught is cuz in the beginning the duster made up careless, so our foster dad started searching our room, plus neither of us ever ate anything but Utz Cheese Balls out of the huge barrel container, and we threw most of those at stuff/each other anyway.
anyway i ended up going to target to shoplift more everything(even though we had like 7 boxes of ceasers and a box or two of mucinex maximum strength) and once i did some duster in the parking lot, i decided it would be a good idea to go back in and get more cuz i ran out, ended up acting a total obvious fool and got caught. they took my empty k2 bag and three specks of weed dust in a bag and pipe, but for some reason left ALLLLLLLL the fucking ceasers/moose in my bag and didn't think it important enough to mention to my case worker who picked me up. long story shorter, she took me back to the house to get my stuff after informing me i'd been kicked out and had to move from that foster home close to my real home/family/friends and move 400+ streets away to a small town in the middle of nowhere..
so on the ride there in the transport care, i decided fuck this abort mission, and tried to OD. i hadn't come down from the two week trip yet and took about a box and a half of maximum strength moose and around three boxes of ceasers, and after an hour found myself unable to do anything but watch the rainbow lights fly past the window in the dusky country scenery. when i got to the new foster home, it appeared to be only half finished, and had a huge ditch with a thin board going across it, which the driver and my new foster mom walked on either side of and helped me across somehow, even though they looked like they were walking on air. i couldn't walk at all, even a robo walk, without falling all over the place. my foster mom stuck me with the other foster girls and ran off to call poison control which for some reason didn't concern me too much. i did weird dances for them and acted a fool and got my nails painted my now favorite color of sea foam green, it was pretty nice. then after a while she made me get in the car to go to the hospital or they were going to come get me and take me there themsevles. i'd still been in the process of coming up when i arrived and at this point couldn't make any sort of realistic sense of what was happening and the implications.. at the hospital i remember it being like 65 degrees and feeling like i was literally on fire, sweating to the point i was soaking wet, ice packs didn't do anything. moving my limbs was really weird/difficult and they felt almost as though they were not a part of me. i kept saying i NEEDED to pee, but for once i couldn't no matter how hard or long i tried, so they gave me a catheter. foster mom and oldest foster sister watching me act a motherfucking fool the whole damn time and putting up with me like YES OF COURSE WE'LL LET YOU COME BACK you just have to get better first do what they say, etc. never went back LOL. the doctors were wiggin out at one point saying something about i showed up positive as FUCK for PCP(which i've never done) which made me wig out and get hysterical cuz i thought somebody must have laced my joint. was way too high and paniced to recall reading somewhere that high enough doses of DXM show up as dirty for PCP and i hadn't even smoked a joint in a few days lol. i remember at one point i was looking very closely at my thumb and it appeared to be under a magnifying glass with every ridge and speck of dirt visible, and i asked the doctor 'is this REALLY my thumb??' and he chuckled and said 'yeah, that's YOUR thumb.' to which i said 'is it seriously attached to my hand??'. he said it was and wiggled it around on my hand for me while i sat there amazed saying 'NO WAY.' over and over. apparently at some point i became unconscious, went into cardiac arrest, and died for a few seconds on the table. i remember opening my eyes and a doctor saying 'we're glad to have you back ms.(mylastname)' before i drifted out again.. then sometime after that before i got put in my ICU room, i remember some male nurse telling me that i'd taken enough DXM to show up for pcp and feeling hella silly.
i woke up at 4am in a hospital bed sober as FUCK, which seemed strange when i considered that when i had stopped the DXM for up to a day, i wouldn't come down even a little bit. of course they flushed my system out, i remember them saying something about potassium, what felt like shortly after i came in. turns out i had been out a day and a half, not just eight hours or so. i was in a small town hospital miles and miles away from home.
my case worker sent me to a psycheward 'hospital unit' if anyone is familiar with that. it's basically a more intense, short placement as opposed to PRTF which is less intense but takes months. i insisted the OD was accidental and ended up getting out in a week and avoiding drug treatment/PRTF/other placement. got sent to another small town and went fucking crazy over the lack of drugs. all the girls in the new house were douchy little narks, had me thinking about jumping off a building. then one day after i got my first paycheck from my new sonic job i'd gotten, i got a generic gas station bottle of robo, smallest they had.
spent the next week and a half or so high as a motherfucker, moved up to the big bottles and finally to ceasers and some moose, then began to steal them when i couldn't afford them/it would be too sketchy to buy anymore from a place(i was in a town where everyone knew everyone after all). i was always burning and sweating bullets, ran my speech together a bit and struggled to pronounce everyday words correctly at times(like somebody said on an earlier post, like my lips wouldn't form the words almost). still somehow, nobody had a fucking clue i was high. my foster mom actually really enjoyed my company for once.. until i got caught shoplifting(AGAIN), this time because i guess small town walmarts have their sensors set to go off for everything.. she made me stay within eyesight at her cupcake/country food shop for a week before letting me make times trips to the 'library' where i could slip in the drug store on the way and lift some ceasers, and began again, this time tried to not build my levels so quickly, did a pretty decent job till i managed a bottle of delsym which was the tipping point into another perma-moose for me. after about a week and a day or two i started doing really risky stuff(that could have jeopardized me aging out of care at 18&living with my dad) like opening her safe box one day when she forgot to take the key, which had everyone's meds, and made off with hella Benadryl and some old darvocets. i also found her hard liquor stash when i searched her room. by this time everyone in the house i hated was gone and it was my motherfuckin castle, no narks, we all had a blast 24/7, and had made up terms for how hard we were tripping in terms of how many antlers deep we were. but things would sometimes give me a very subtle, lingering disturbing feeling. like truly disturbing, not scary or weird. it would be seemingly stupid shit too, like when one sister flipped a shit and got tazed&taken in a pig blanket, my favorite moved to my room to take her bunk. when she reached under the pillow later there was a tube of crackers all half crunched up spilling out onto the bed. disturbed the motherfuck out of me, no clue why. things started having a disturbing vibe in the late, late night hours. just the way stuff was lit.
six days after my 18th b-day and the day before my court hearing about my placement, i had found 4 beers that she had hid in her youngest son's room(ended up being expired??), had those and finished off all her hard liquor. sisters convinced me and my nice $500 louie vutton or whatever purse to go to the dollar store and get more moose drunk as FUCK. they found me at like 2 am wandering around a red pickup truck with no purse a block away. i sobered up, got depressed as fuck about it after having no luck finding it, and then still a bit drunk and moosing some, i decided to take one more sheet and 25 Benadryl before bed.. YEAH BAD AS FUCK IDEA I KNOW, and everyone including me was too high to realize that. my foster mom i guess tried to wake me up for my meds and i wouldn't get up, even when she was shaking me violently, so she has her oldest son pick me up and put me in the car. went to the hospital, don't remember shit except a half second of urgent sounding chaos and then another second where i opened my eyes while being taken somewhere and seeing a clock say 6am.. i found out later that i died twice this go around, which leaves me to believe that urgent chaos was directed towards saving me..
went to court, has a substitute judge who gave not a fuck and released me, then immediately started doing ceasers again as well as smoking meth now that i had access to it. my trips became less and less 'fun' and more and more 'disturbing', i kept thinking of things like the psychological state of people in small, isolated rural towns, social regression&lawlessness, etc just weird shit that disturbed me even more but somehow satisfied a need. i realized by this point that continuing to take it would just end up making me feel sad and anxious and detached, and gradually i found myself unable to stomach the doses i was accustomed to and their desirability soon disappeared. i'd still steal them though out of habit and had at least fifteen boxes under my bed..
tl;dr
one hell of a fucking drug, the feeling is so addicting especially when you don't have much else. soon it goes from hella the fuck fun to you have to keep taking it or feel shitty and slow for a few days.. with my circumstances and addictive personality, somebody always had to decide for me. i still have bad memory to this day and if i hadn't been born so god damn smart, i would be retarded right now like most people would have been. my brain is still repairing damage, i'm not trapped in a fog anymore, but i'll never be quite the same i don't think.. i'm so lucky to be alive and only have been reduced to what i'd guess is a slightly above average intelligence, with no obvious psychological issues and a little HPPD. i can't eat too much spicy food or too spicy of a food or eat anything too late at night or i usually wake up early sick. dunno what it's from but the nausea associated popped up around the time as my second OD, other stuff's probably made it worse in combination with getting sick so often which has apparently given me GURD.. makes me wish i hadn't done all those stupid drugs like rubber cement and spray paint and duster and cough medicine to get high.