@ sepher, Eric B, Re-distributed, C.H - thank you.
As for the gun.. It honestly helps me sleep. It's weird, it's kind of like a lock on a door or something for me right now. I can sleep in my car knowing I have a method of protection in case someone tries to wake me up and take it at gunpoint. I only have liabilityon my car paid through july, and it's a pretty nice car 2010 ford fusion SEL paid off. It's the only home I have right now. I just sleep better knowing it's there for protection. As for it being a threat to my life, I don't think it's any more threatening than my Rx to 120x 10 mg norcos and 90 valium. with a CWE I could easily OD on that. I still got my pill crusher, just need half a bottle of icey cold water and a filter. I have been cutting back on my norcos too, so my tolerance is back down almost to baseline. I was taking 7 to get the same buzz I get from 2 now.
I'm gonna keep hanging on for now, mainly because so many people care. I've been in a hole for 4 months now, and nothing seems to improve it. I used to be on SSRI's as a teenager, zoloft, prozac, paxil, effexor... that shit's all garbage IMO. The only thing that helps me is cannabis, and I can't afford it. It would be nice to have a plant growing... Maybe I just need to move to colorado. But IDK how to grow it from my car, LOL! I mean even a closet would work, but I don't think I got enough room in the trunk.
The beach here is so beautiful. It seems like the perfect place to spend my last moments. The gun seems like an escape, but it's too violent and personally I couldn't make someone else have to find that mess. I've made enough messes in my life, I don't need to make one more final one. I had this great plan to take like 50-60 mg valium, 8 of my norcos, drink a shitload of beer then when I got sleepy go outside when it was 25 degrees and the wind was blowing hard, and sleep outside. The day to do that was the night of christmas day, conditions were perfect. 25 degrees with 30 mph winds. I had been binging amphetamines and not eating, my muscles had no glycogen at all, not even fat. A few hours in that underdressed would have been perfect. But for some reason I didn't. Maybe it was because I still had my apartment, and a dog that needed me to take care of her.
The last time was in January, I took 8 norcos and a couple valium, drank an entire 12 pack of beer in like 2 hours, and I called my dad and asked if he knows how I can get mental treatment.. he didn't. So I just went to sleep thinking I'll probably stop breathing from opiates and that much alcohol all at once, but I woke up to pee a few hours later, somewhat disappointed knowing the alcohol and opiates were wearing off the peak, meaning I was going to be OK. My liver sure did hurt, but had I not been taking milk thistle supplements I'm sure it would have been a lot worse for my liver (12 beers[fast] + 2600 mg acetaminophen)
It sounds awful. 
