TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[somnilicious]

If it means anything I posted desperate things on this thread because of addiction and a girl but now, after several failed suicide attempts. I love my life despite my hopefully fading but horrific 20yr addiction. Long arrests record yrs ago and my bad liver from hep-C and drug consumption. I turn yellow sometimes but I know if I put in the effort I can do anything. I still get looks fro girls and I'm a skinny mess but that can change in the gym. You can always go to college or get tech training. There are many fish in the sea. You have to put in effort facing your fears gives you confidence and read positive books. They will teach you to see the bright side of everything. Some of the things I thought were the worst things to happen in my life turned out to be the best because new doors opened and initiated necessary change.

Life is beautiful when you see the silver lining. I now revel in the fight because the beauty is in the journey. Destinations are made up expectations that often let us down. Seek out the simple beauty of the moment without expectation. Go out and do all the crazy shit you've always wanted to do but never done. Life has so many exciting and fun things to experience and see. Live while you still can.

I hadnt had sex in 15yrs untill a few prostitutes in Medellin, Colombia and a few women recently and they were horribly awkward experiences but Its been by choice because I'm a mess and I know change will bring something beautiful. So there's that....lol.....sharing embarrassing personal shit on blue light.

 

[Cantbe]

Sometimes i wake up from dreams of deep trauma reliving those moments from a such long time ago in childhood, Even though i try not let it get to me and i have dealt with the pain the flashbacks that pop up so often in such vivid nightmares makes me wonder what kept me going all these years stare down a barrel of a gun and ask myself i can check out of this life anytime what drives me deep inside its been 9 years still i made a deliberate attempt but i have survived many close encounters with drug combo overdoses since then by accident.

Sometimes it just endless popping into my head i guess i am lucky i'm not super impulsive. Makes me try strive to fulfill my deep desires what i want to succeed in life its never too late i tell myself. I have traveled around the world fallen in love hustled hard lost it all gained it back dragged myself out of many holes and lost it again on and off again drug addictions.

Deep down in my soul i seek enlightenment or liberation from mundane life and suffering. Seen my life flash before my eyes to many times for my liking a constant reminder that it was me alone who fucked it up in the end. I could of done a lot of better but i let my pain control me.

I give myself at least a few weeks or month every time i get the serious thought and stare down that barrel to try change my life but its getting tiring after all these years of the same shit, I don't want to hurt those around me but i feel like sometimes they have never listened when i would reach out for help. So i can cut off all my attachments to life and try achieve final enlightenment and nirvana in the short moments before taking my own life. My minds grip on reality is slippery and on a good day still very far away from earth.

Whats crazy is the visions i had on my first trip of my countless deaths and a strong feeling that 2020 would do me in 16 years before the actual fact. I gave myself many chances but if fate has led to me to this point then within a few months i might take my last breath and just rest in the eternal nirvana and endless sleep and take my chances with god. Life long depression that comes in bouts and that was treatment resistance. Even resistant to the most powerful psychedelic experiences. If i'm destined to be born again hopefully its next century.

For now ill leave these thoughts be for a few weeks and weigh up options if i truly feel like i have no desire to see anymore of this world i believe its my right to check out. I been there and done many things and yet the only time i feel free is in the trip.

Aw are you from NZ? I totally feel your pain. My heart is with you.

 

[Cantbe]

I was made to take high dose olanzapine for 3 months a few years ago. Had really bad sexual dysfunction that resolved after a year. Then I was made to take 5mg Abilify for 3 months this year. I have sexual dysfunction again and can’t imagine not knowing if I’ll ever recover. My life force, creativity and spirituality is gone. I’d rather just not go through the pain of not knowing if it will come back cos I think my luck’s run out. It consumes my mind all day so much so I don’t think I can go to work. Thinking about the train tracks next to my house bring me so much peace.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

Aw are you from NZ? I totally feel your pain. My heart is with you.

yeah im from NZ. Where are you from? For now i looked deep down have resolved to force myself to get the most and change my life around over the next 5-10 years.

The side effects of anti psychotics can be quite harsh im sorry you had to go through that. I believe it will come back just hold in there life has many ups and downs but after hardship comes joy once you find your way in this world.

 

[jackie jones]

NSFW:

That would be four times this morning. She is a squirter.

 

[empeebee]

I ruined him. I loved him and I hurt him and I didn't even know it. Now he refuses to talk to me and most likely never wants to see me again. He doesn't sleep properly or eat properly. I ruined him and I want to die for it. He deserved so much better than me. I still love him.

He does love you, of this I am sure. You are the best he could ever hope for, believe me even if you don't know me. You say you have ruined him? In what way? Actions cannot be taken back but words can. Hurts can heal, but it takes time, effort, understanding and maybe forgiveness, even it seems impossible. It is all up to you and the future you want. There is no condition under which you, the most important person in his life, should die. NO CONDITION.

 

[empeebee]

Dedicated to everyone on this thread. Just hold on. Please. I know it is not easy - you'll just have to trust this stranger on this - but hold on, just until tomorrow.

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

 

[jackie jones]

7 fuck/make love sessions today.
Got some good shoplifting done - wearing Lacoste and Calvin Klein.
Making Duck Confit for supper.

Maybe I did die with my overdose and am in heaven...

 

[Ds]

You are not the only one. The thought did cross my mind if I am actually living after overdosing back in 2006. I mean I was gone. wokeup with paramedics and IVs.
Luckily the people that I was banging dope with called 911.
I wonder to this day what that phone conversation went.

 

[nznity]

7 fuck/make love sessions today.
Got some good shoplifting done - wearing Lacoste and Calvin Klein.
Making Duck Confit for supper.

Maybe I did die with my overdose and am in heaven...

Funny how things turned out for u? Huh? Still want to die?

 

[jackie jones]

Funny how things turned out for u? Huh? Still want to die?

No, I do not wish to die but she may well prove to be the death of me regardless. We just fucked in a populated area in a box truck. She absolutely flooded my face. Her juices went up my nostrils. Not only that, but she has the best tasting vaginal fluids. I mean the absolute best.

 

[Flynnal]

I have all sorts of hypothetical scenarios where I decided that it would be better to be dead. Not a good feeling. Hypothetical scenarios are a few that I've worked out, the most painful ones range from where I lose a bodily/sensory function (smell and taste, hearing, sight, arms, legs, penis, etc) because I am not treated for a medical emergency due to arrogance or some other stupid reason and the loss ends up being permanent, to losing my disability payment, to being quarantined forever due to this damned corona virus and never seeing my old family members and they die without me ever seeing them again.

Yes, I would probably end my life if I suffered a permanent disability due to a doctor's arrogance or ego. No qualms about it whatsoever. I even told professionals about it and they know not to fuck with me.

 

[Shady's Fox]

I have all sorts of hypothetical scenarios where I decided that it would be better to be dead. Not a good feeling. Hypothetical scenarios are a few that I've worked out, the most painful ones range from where I lose a bodily/sensory function (smell and taste, hearing, sight, arms, legs, penis, etc) because I am not treated for a medical emergency due to arrogance or some other stupid reason and the loss ends up being permanent, to losing my disability payment, to being quarantined forever due to this damned corona virus and never seeing my old family members and they die without me ever seeing them again.

Yes, I would probably end my life if I suffered a permanent disability due to a doctor's arrogance or ego. No qualms about it whatsoever. I even told professionals about it and they know not to fuck with me.

Don't be your enemy.

 

[Flynnal]

Don't be your enemy.

It's a hard situation when you suffer from chronic anxiety. I am currently on two meds that keep me alive - mirtazapine and carbamazepine. One helps me to sleep, the other keeps my moods from gyrating too wildly even though no matter what I still suffer from anxiety and endless painful thought loops.

 

[jackie jones]

Suicide. Right. I do not know what to do. I am with this beautiful, highly intelligent, angel of a woman who what she sees in me is... I just do not know. I saw my children at a store yesterday and got hit with 2 A misdemeanors for telling them I love them. I cannot even talk with my kids because of my drug history which no efforts erase. I took an entire script of zolpidem last night. I am walking to the bridge. I cannot be in a world without my children. I am tired of crying. Tired of this pain in my stomach. My poor girlfriend. I am sorry, baby.

 

[jackie jones]

She saved my life.

 

[Joey]

She saved my life.

I am so glad you're ok. You have a hell of a girl man. You able to breathe a bit now? Mustve been a hell of a thing.

When I purposefully overdosed fentanyl in march it was like nothing. I just woke up in a hospital, was found in a snowbank somewhere. Someone saved my life. Ive been able to breathe a bit easier ever since.

How are you?

 

[jackie jones]

I am so glad you're ok. You have a hell of a girl man. You able to breathe a bit now? Mustve been a hell of a thing.

When I purposefully overdosed fentanyl in march it was like nothing. I just woke up in a hospital, was found in a snowbank somewhere. Someone saved my life. Ive been able to breathe a bit easier ever since.

How are you?

Aside from her periodically taking me out of my comfort zone, everything g has been wonderful. We spent a weekend in Rockland, Maine and made lots of love. This week she has her IUD removed. We are trying to bring an infant into the world.

We saved each other's lives. She is very good about keeping me away from drugs (she has smoked cannabis once in her life. How cute is that?) She drinks very modestly and collects single malt scotches. I got her to stop taking caffeine pills and acetaminophen. We are devoted and truly in love.

I am elated and terrified at the same time. I have never been in a relationship with someone who is smarter than myself. She is well travelled and loves animals.

I have met her parents and some of her extended family. They are big wheels in the community. I think they like me well enough. They invited me to DC with them for Thanksgiving, which is a big step.

Breathe, Jackie. Breathe.

She is wonderful and our relationship is bursting with affection. We have not kept our hands off each other since we met.

 

[Joey]

I’m having a day. It’s more of an invasive thought that I’ll go kill myself from time to time. Today it’s been several.

Been far too focused on the turmoil and disarray of my life over what is going well. The more I do that, and also keep using, the less that is going well.

There isn’t much that I can do to actually appease this. Not much, except just keep going. Eventually, the scenery and landscape will change enough in my body, and in my mind that I’ll transition over to some alternate set of ideas to chew on for awhile. Maybe something worth taking a rip out of more than my life itself.

 

[Flynnal]

I've been feeling pretty low the last few days. I may be able to regain the ability to allow my emotions to flow out of me instead of bottling them up, but it's still really difficult to let them go, as much as I want to.