⫸STICKY⫷ The Suicide Support Thread

Allein

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 29, 2005
Messages
10,951
Welcome to the new Suicide Support Thread.

The last edition can be found here in TDS archives section.

We also have an extensive list of mental health support and resources, which can be found here!

Please do not hesitate in venting out your feelings in here.

And don't hesitate to send a personal message to myself or any other Recovery moderator if needed <3
 

d-nihl

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
125
Location
New Jersey
Hey guys, hope everyones doing okay! Little background on me: Have been a heroin user for the past 6 years, hopping on and off from Subs and diesel, and even when I use very small amounts of suboxone, and or go on a 2 day dope bingem when I stop taking everything the withdrawals are quite unbearable, and it really starts making me go crazy, as if just ending it all would be such a relief to all this pain.
Will that horrible feeling ever go away? I have some weed and Xanax but I can never make it past the 2nd day and that's when the dark thoughts start clouding my mind.

I should really be feeling better by the 3-4th day for sure, am I correct? its mainly the restless legs that drive me mad. I cant tell if im just being a bitch about it or im just that mentally week, but for some reason I just cant mentally handle it.

Any tips would be appreciated on how to mentally break through this barrier. Im gonna start working out and eating well, with hot baths and shit and hopefully that will help. we'll see.
how can I mentally distract myself, and convert all the negativity to more positive thinking

- d-nihl
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Hey guys, hope everyones doing okay! Little background on me: Have been a heroin user for the past 6 years, hopping on and off from Subs and diesel, and even when I use very small amounts of suboxone, and or go on a 2 day dope bingem when I stop taking everything the withdrawals are quite unbearable, and it really starts making me go crazy, as if just ending it all would be such a relief to all this pain.
Will that horrible feeling ever go away? I have some weed and Xanax but I can never make it past the 2nd day and that's when the dark thoughts start clouding my mind.

I should really be feeling better by the 3-4th day for sure, am I correct? its mainly the restless legs that drive me mad. I cant tell if im just being a bitch about it or im just that mentally week, but for some reason I just cant mentally handle it.

Any tips would be appreciated on how to mentally break through this barrier. Im gonna start working out and eating well, with hot baths and shit and hopefully that will help. we'll see.
how can I mentally distract myself, and convert all the negativity to more positive thinking

- d-nihl
Try reading a lot (I have some samples of my novel online; I also would suggest any renown dystopian novel). Watch a few movies (I strongly suggest Lucy, Martyrs, and Mysterious Skin). Exercise, eat well, try to sleep well, make sure you're getting fresh air. See the world. Make some non-drug using friends.
 

d-nihl

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
125
Location
New Jersey
Try reading a lot (I have some samples of my novel online; I also would suggest any renown dystopian novel). Watch a few movies (I strongly suggest Lucy, Martyrs, and Mysterious Skin). Exercise, eat well, try to sleep well, make sure you're getting fresh air. See the world. Make some non-drug using friends.
Thnx Capt, I do love reading when I have a book im interested in, its just hard to sit still sometimes, although I have never really tried. I took a tiny piece of suboxone last night, just to take the edge off. I havnt taken suboxone regularly in over a month (besides last night), but I did H for three days straight, so im hoping that I can just make it through these next couple days now.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Thnx Capt, I do love reading when I have a book im interested in, its just hard to sit still sometimes, although I have never really tried. I took a tiny piece of suboxone last night, just to take the edge off. I havnt taken suboxone regularly in over a month (besides last night), but I did H for three days straight, so im hoping that I can just make it through these next couple days now.
Just wanted to say that I had 7 months clean, off suboxone/all opiates. I took suboxone again, got re-addicted within a week, and had to get off again.

It's really best to leave the opiates alone. But I won't judge you for what you do, of course <3

What kind of books do you like? I'm currently re-reading The Count of Monte Cristo

It's hard for me to sit still too. That's why I stick to e-books. I don't have to hold the book, I don't have to have exterior lighting to see the pages, etc. I just read what I want, press the down button, and if I walk away, I come back to the exact same page. No need to place a bookmarker. When I close out the PDF reader, I re-open the same file, and it goes to the same page I was on.

If I had to read out of books and not electronic equivalents, I wouldn't read nearly as much as I actually do.
 

d-nihl

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
125
Location
New Jersey
...If I had to read out of books and not electronic equivalents, I wouldn't read nearly as much as I actually do.
Haha yeah im the opposite, im always waay behind on technology, i still gotta get a friggin IPhone or some shit.

Ive been workin as a line cook, and getting into that life hard-core, so recently ive been reading some "foodie" books i guess you could say. "No Reservations" by Bourdain "Medium Raw" also by Bourdain, and another great read is "The secret Ingredient" a book by the New York Times, its fantastic, even if your not into the restaurant industry, just some good stories! Woody allan has a chaper in it, Steve Martin, Dahl. Some solid authors.

EDIT: feeling better everyday :)
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,929
Location
in a dream
^d-nihl, that's great that you are feeling better.:) Have you ever read Like Water for Chocolate? It is not technically a foodie book and it is somewhat fantastical but the descriptions of food preparation are fantastic and it's a good story to boot. The movie didn't hold a candle to the book.
 

d-nihl

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
125
Location
New Jersey
Naa herbavore, have not heard of it, def gonna check it out tho. Im reading a book similar to that type of genre right now so im sure ill dig it, thnx.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,929
Location
in a dream
It happened when we split TDS into the Recovery Forums, one of which is mental health. There was strong feeling from some of the former mods that Mental Health should include a suicide support thread. TBH, I think it is confusing and having two makes it more likely for someone's post to get overlooked but I was outvoted.:) I do try to check them both as often as I can.<3
 

Americanfloosie

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
81
Had a horrible day today. Burst out in tears while getting ready to take my daughter to play group. Just out right sad for a number of reasons but couldn't pin point the exact one. My in-laws are here and they are from England so this could be part of my problem. They think so goddamn highly of themselves. The sound of their voices and those accents makes me want to start stabbing my own ear drums out.
I think maybe timing is horrible also. I hurt my knee pretty bad at the gym and anytime I have an injury my depression just sinks into "I want to just jump in the river" mode. I love my daughter and need to be here for her but the overwhelming sense of "just do it" " just end it all" keeps taking me under more and more with each passing day.
I dunno tomorrow I could be running around like none of this has happened and be fine. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm bi polar. I'm so embarrassed I don't seek help because when the good days hit they are so good I think "no way I'm the happiest person alive I feel like a super human"
I'm still here and still keepin on. Just in that lost phase. I really should seek medication but having no support from my very British very keep calm and carry on as if nothing's wrong husband helps out zero. I thought about leaving him today. Whaaaat? Divorce? Out of nowhere just thought fuck it I'll file and start a new life. Pffff what in the fuck was that about?
Why did I get stuck with this? With this want to just die? But I don't I really don't but I do I really do. It's confusing and sad and lonely.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
Had a horrible day today. Burst out in tears while getting ready to take my daughter to play group. Just out right sad for a number of reasons but couldn't pin point the exact one. My in-laws are here and they are from England so this could be part of my problem. They think so goddamn highly of themselves. The sound of their voices and those accents makes me want to start stabbing my own ear drums out.
I think maybe timing is horrible also. I hurt my knee pretty bad at the gym and anytime I have an injury my depression just sinks into "I want to just jump in the river" mode. I love my daughter and need to be here for her but the overwhelming sense of "just do it" " just end it all" keeps taking me under more and more with each passing day.
I dunno tomorrow I could be running around like none of this has happened and be fine. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm bi polar. I'm so embarrassed I don't seek help because when the good days hit they are so good I think "no way I'm the happiest person alive I feel like a super human"
I'm still here and still keepin on. Just in that lost phase. I really should seek medication but having no support from my very British very keep calm and carry on as if nothing's wrong husband helps out zero. I thought about leaving him today. Whaaaat? Divorce? Out of nowhere just thought fuck it I'll file and start a new life. Pffff what in the fuck was that about?
Why did I get stuck with this? With this want to just die? But I don't I really don't but I do I really do. It's confusing and sad and lonely.
I would take a second and pat yourself on the back for being an amazing mom and taking your daughter to play group <3

Haha yeah im the opposite, im always waay behind on technology, i still gotta get a friggin IPhone or some shit.

Ive been workin as a line cook, and getting into that life hard-core, so recently ive been reading some "foodie" books i guess you could say. "No Reservations" by Bourdain "Medium Raw" also by Bourdain, and another great read is "The secret Ingredient" a book by the New York Times, its fantastic, even if your not into the restaurant industry, just some good stories! Woody allan has a chaper in it, Steve Martin, Dahl. Some solid authors.

EDIT: feeling better everyday :)
I am a fan of Bourdain's persona at times. At other times he annoys me, but that's just because I'm a tough cookie I guess.

I'm also a foodie now, love food. I'm a huge fan of shellfish, seafood. Especially octopus. I'm looking forward to one day trying blowfish. :D
 

Americanfloosie

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
81
I needed that captain heroin! I literally broke down good tears for someone simply recognizing me being an alright mom. Last person who said that was my Grandma Mac and she passed two days after this last Christmas. Last words she spoke toe were "your a good mom no matter your struggles"
Fucking tears dammit
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I needed that captain heroin! I literally broke down good tears for someone simply recognizing me being an alright mom. Last person who said that was my Grandma Mac and she passed two days after this last Christmas. Last words she spoke toe were "your a good mom no matter your struggles"
Fucking tears dammit
I once took care of three special needs children, for about 5-7 hours per day, five days just one week

it taught me how much patience and mastery is involved in rearing a child, it's a gift that should be cherished :)
 

Americanfloosie

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
81
I'm feeling much better today. Thank you again captain H for your kind words. I seriously needed it. Being a mom is a thankless job. People just expect you do be awesome at it all the time. So hearing that I should feel good about myself felt very nice.
My in laws have gone shopping babies napping and I'm about to just sit in silence for a minute.
Made appointment Monday to see if I can get on some sort of mood stabilizer. I really think I need it.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I'm feeling much better today. Thank you again captain H for your kind words. I seriously needed it. Being a mom is a thankless job. People just expect you do be awesome at it all the time. So hearing that I should feel good about myself felt very nice.
My in laws have gone shopping babies napping and I'm about to just sit in silence for a minute.
Made appointment Monday to see if I can get on some sort of mood stabilizer. I really think I need it.
This is where I'm at

I was having a good day, and small things set me off

I let the small things upset me so thoroughly and it feels like I let it poison me to the core

now I feel like I'm just waiting for it (these feelings of hatred) to wear off, as if it were a drug.

i get really anxious, i dissociate, i end up unable to sit still. I really need some meds of some sort, and I'm just trudging through life without them.

Let us know how the time with the in laws works out for you! you can always PM me if you want to vent. :)
 

Americanfloosie

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
81
I know all about the small things! They are small but make for BIG annoyances. Sometimes just the way my father in law talks makes me want to slam my head through a window.
I've been dragging along on and off meds for a long time. And being a woman doesn't help when my hormones go haywire. I swear if we decide to not have another kid I just want my uterus yanked out lol. Gross I know but that's how I feel. If this were the fifties I'm sure they would have committed me for "Hysteria" by now.
Do you have a doc to talk to about meds El Capitano H? I'll let you know how Monday goes and in the mean time I'm sure you'll be getting messages of me venting.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
73,920
Location
Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
I know all about the small things! They are small but make for BIG annoyances. Sometimes just the way my father in law talks makes me want to slam my head through a window.
I've been dragging along on and off meds for a long time. And being a woman doesn't help when my hormones go haywire. I swear if we decide to not have another kid I just want my uterus yanked out lol. Gross I know but that's how I feel. If this were the fifties I'm sure they would have committed me for "Hysteria" by now.
Do you have a doc to talk to about meds El Capitano H? I'll let you know how Monday goes and in the mean time I'm sure you'll be getting messages of me venting.
I haven't seen a doctor in over a year, and I doubt I will be going to one any time soon due to my schedule and anxiety issues :(

I totally believe hormones have a lot to do with mood; when you're past menopause, get on HRT (hormone replacement therapy), and you'll be a lot happier. Even men can do HRT after a certain age; and I look forward to it. :) There are some reasons why people elect not to do HRT, but I would look into it. The way we feel with hormones has a lot to do with our happiness and satisfaction with life, with sex, and with others. It's so crucial, and so many overlook the importance of hormones.
 

Americanfloosie

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
81
As soon as I hit puberty I was a total asshole to everyone around me. My hormones have screwed me over on more than one occasion. I'm on the depo shot and it has been the WORST birth control decision I've ever made.
I hate going to the doctor but I know I have to force myself to. I get a bit agoraphobic sometimes. Like the outside seems too scary so I don't bother with it. :(
 
Top