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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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Americanfloosie said:
As soon as I hit puberty I was a total asshole to everyone around me. My hormones have screwed me over on more than one occasion. I'm on the depo shot and it has been the WORST birth control decision I've ever made.
I hate going to the doctor but I know I have to force myself to. I get a bit agoraphobic sometimes. Like the outside seems too scary so I don't bother with it. :(
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Seek a specialist for your birth control/hormone issues; find something that you are comfortable with

there are many options, don't settle for something you don't like!!
 
I don't know where to start. I feel like my worth is very tied into my "success" - I'd always been told I was smart as a kid and that became my only source of worth. I'd planned on going into graduate entry medicine after my degree.

But I'm very lazy (and autistic and dyslexic and depressed, but I never know when to cut myself some slack because I've genuinely hit a limit or when I'm just being lazy and need to push harder) and don't enjoy my degree (very very hard to motivate myself to do complicated work) so I'm only just passing my degree (really bad grades). I'm lonely (I get anxious talking to people and I'm bad at it), barely enjoying anything anymore, oversleep things without meaning to and feel worthless, unintelligent and scared of a lifetime of minimum wage work feeling unimportant.
 
^It is time to create your own self-worth. Parents and teachers don't realize that always praising someone for their success (whether academic or at sports or in art etc) can really backfire for a lot of people who simply learn to perform. It puts all the focus on outside approval and a lot of people really struggle when they move beyond the school years. It sounds like you do not feel connected to your life and particularly what you are studying. Is there a way to complete what you are doing and then give yourself permission to just work a minimum wage job for a set amount of time while you reconsider your life path? Loneliness is very hard to change when you are already feeling depressed. I hope writing it out here helped at least a little. You are certainly not alone in your feelings. There are lots of people here that are trying to create lives that feel good and right to them---it's a struggle but it is worth every minute.It's very natural to go through these feelings when you are transitioning in life. That doesn't mean that you should not seek help though.Have you tried any kind of counseling?
 
ahint said:
I don't know where to start. I feel like my worth is very tied into my "success" - I'd always been told I was smart as a kid and that became my only source of worth. I'd planned on going into graduate entry medicine after my degree.

But I'm very lazy (and autistic and dyslexic and depressed, but I never know when to cut myself some slack because I've genuinely hit a limit or when I'm just being lazy and need to push harder) and don't enjoy my degree (very very hard to motivate myself to do complicated work) so I'm only just passing my degree (really bad grades). I'm lonely (I get anxious talking to people and I'm bad at it), barely enjoying anything anymore, oversleep things without meaning to and feel worthless, unintelligent and scared of a lifetime of minimum wage work feeling unimportant.
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stay strong <3

school can be hard. just do your best and have fun learning. learning is more important than grades or a job.
 
I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

I want to die. I'm sorry. I have been so stupid. I can't do this anymore. I want to end this. I don't deserve to live.

I didn't mean to bother you guys. I'm sorry. I am a drunk. And I'm stupid.
 
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Aww, buddy. I'm sorry that everything is battering you so hard these days. I pray for you to find peace in yourself and begin from there to rebuild your life. Nothing is ruined, nothing is out of reach.<3
 
I am crazy. And I'm very sorry to everyone. I can barely move right now, but I assure you, and I'm sorry. And I do not know why. I am constantly of killing myself. Am I a bad person, or am I just an alcohic? Because i swear to god I think I am going to die. I am sorry.
 
Well, we'll all die one day. Why rush it man? There's a lot to see out there in the world. :)

I have hard days too and I woke up feeling like shit but I didn't let it get to me today. You can always PM me blahman <3
 
I have two bottles of anti-nausea pills that I ground up and ate in pudding. Once that settles, I am going to drink a cocktail of sake (couldn't get hold of any harder liquor :( ) white grapefruit juice, ten 25mg hydrocodone after CWE, and a gram of powdered Etizolam, all mixed together. Once I finish that, I will grind 75 2mg Diclazepam and eat them in some more pudding, then I will pop in eleven 100 μg Fentanyl blotters and keep drinking. I'm 5'6 and 180 lbs with no tolerance for benzos or opioids, would this be enough to kill me?
 
No one can answer this question really(people survive things they should not survive all the time) but it will certainly cause you a lot of pain and possibly lasting damage to your organs (your brain included).

What led you to the decision to do this?

There are plenty of people here that have experience with suicidal feelings that would be happy to talk to you about what is going on, myself included.<3
 
caroline199 said:
I have two bottles of anti-nausea pills that I ground up and ate in pudding. Once that settles, I am going to drink a cocktail of sake (couldn't get hold of any harder liquor :( ) white grapefruit juice, ten 25mg hydrocodone after CWE, and a gram of powdered Etizolam, all mixed together. Once I finish that, I will grind 75 2mg Diclazepam and eat them in some more pudding, then I will pop in eleven 100 μg Fentanyl blotters and keep drinking. I'm 5'6 and 180 lbs with no tolerance for benzos or opioids, would this be enough to kill me?
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it's quite possible that you will survive

it's best that you do not attempt to overdose in this fashion <3

do you want to talk about why you're feeling suicidal?
 
I'm done with life. I guess I've been done for a while. Most times I wake up not even knowing or caring what day it is. I just try to find something to numb the pain so I can make it thru the day. I spend most of my time alone, so it's not like I even matter to anyone else. Mostly I've been thinking of others who have committed suicide and I want to be free. There is nothing really for me here. I've heard all the stuff, like it gets better, but sometimes it doesn't. Year after year I hear the same thing, but yet I'm still in the same place I was about 8 years ago. I've already started putting things in order, cleaning up stuff. I guess all I'm doing now is just saving and waiting until I have enough money to finally never have to wake up again.
 
I have been fighting spinal stenosis since 2007, major pain 2008. In 2008 I could hardly walk 20 ft. A ctscan in 2009 showed severe in L4/5. Followed my PCP order's not to lift anything heavier than my bath towel. It worked well with getting a new patient to care for. I ended up switching jobs but life goes on. I became a grand mom and start lifting him, almost every weekend from the time he was a month old, he's now 4 1/2. I also suffer migraines. Dec. 2013 I failed at suicide. I started topamax for the headaches, within 2 weeks I almost committed it again in Nov 2014. Three weeks ago they raised my topamax and 3/10/15, I tried again. I am on prozac, for over a year and still hate life but just had surgery. Still so much pain though. I feel like such a failure to even have failed taking doses that should have stopped my breathing because I relief on OTC for pain relief except right after surgery. I'm 50, tired, tired of the pain. We you fight for the right to die for terminally I'll patients, please include those lucid minds that are in chronic severe pain too. This is not living.
 
I'm still depressed at times, 4 and 2/3rd months clean

and I still have suicidal thoughts/impulses

but I'm still here

people; please PM me. While I'm still alive, I want to help you. I won't judge you. I don't know you in real life, so it's not like I have any reference for you. I'll keep it 100% to myself. I just want to help people who have been in the steps of mine (addiction, near death experiences, suicidal thought/impulses, severe pain, PTSD flashbacks, panic attacks, agoraphobia, withdrawal) while I'm still here. <3

lunarminx said:
I have been fighting spinal stenosis since 2007, major pain 2008. In 2008 I could hardly walk 20 ft. A ctscan in 2009 showed severe in L4/5. Followed my PCP order's not to lift anything heavier than my bath towel. It worked well with getting a new patient to care for. I ended up switching jobs but life goes on. I became a grand mom and start lifting him, almost every weekend from the time he was a month old, he's now 4 1/2. I also suffer migraines. Dec. 2013 I failed at suicide. I started topamax for the headaches, within 2 weeks I almost committed it again in Nov 2014. Three weeks ago they raised my topamax and 3/10/15, I tried again. I am on prozac, for over a year and still hate life but just had surgery. Still so much pain though. I feel like such a failure to even have failed taking doses that should have stopped my breathing because I relief on OTC for pain relief except right after surgery. I'm 50, tired, tired of the pain. We you fight for the right to die for terminally I'll patients, please include those lucid minds that are in chronic severe pain too. This is not living.
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Want to PM me? <3

Is there anything I can do to help? My partner has back pain, but not as bad as you. Stay strong, ok? <3

and please, read my writings while you can :) - PM me if you have questions
 
riddler2k7 said:
I'm done with life. I guess I've been done for a while. Most times I wake up not even knowing or caring what day it is. I just try to find something to numb the pain so I can make it thru the day. I spend most of my time alone, so it's not like I even matter to anyone else. Mostly I've been thinking of others who have committed suicide and I want to be free. There is nothing really for me here. I've heard all the stuff, like it gets better, but sometimes it doesn't. Year after year I hear the same thing, but yet I'm still in the same place I was about 8 years ago. I've already started putting things in order, cleaning up stuff. I guess all I'm doing now is just saving and waiting until I have enough money to finally never have to wake up again.
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Yooo man PM. I can relate to ya on plenty of levels and have been in the EXACT same spot and still am in the same spot a lot if days . Get at me
 
Long time lurker, have read in almost every section of the board looking for some hope and someone's story like mine so I could find a reason to keep going. Once upon a time: Married to great guy! Check! Awesome six-figure career? Yes! Beautiful elementary school aged son? Yes! Oh wait – a garbage can junkie - you hand it to me, I'd put it in my body, but my DOC was always pills, mainly norcos, somas with big helpings of coke (and bits of everything else). Yea. That's me but I'm managing, right?

Eight years later, Ive pretty much lost my life. A DWI, loss of a high profile well paying career, my home and the respect of my friends and family. I am 40 and see no possibilities of beginning again at this age a-again after losing so much. I am on disability for a mental disorder that is wrapped up in my drug use - originally I self-medicated to deal with it and then became a flat out addict-chicken and the egg syndrome. I have no life. I have fallen so far. My addiction arolw so many opportunities and I have no future. My grandfather committed suicide when I waa 10 and my father has tried 2 or 3 times in the past couple years. I have also tried 6 times total and have been inpatient 4 times this past 18 moths.

The only thing keeping me here is my nine year old son but a lot of me believes he'd be better off I were gone. He's has to watch his Corporate America Supermom turn into a self conscious anxious hermit who is terrified of the future and wracked by regrets and longing for the past. I don't want this life. But I fucked my old one and I don't get to get what I want. But I don't want to be here anymore. Any gifts and talents the diety gave me were wasted on me. Someone else who would have honored them should have received them. I don't know who I am and do not want to be alive...
....maggie. Thanks for letting me get that out. It's a start at least.
 
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Magnolia, I know how hard it is not to turn all that judgment in on yourself but you have to try to see another way. What every child wants and needs is love and security. They don't need corporate super-moms or corporate super-dads. That always looks shiny and bright and perfect from the outside but rarely is. It sounds like your mental health issues are familial--meaning there may be a genetic component or simply just a shared family culture that has affected three generations. That means that your son may have to deal with this in his own life later down the line--what better gift could you give than to show him how to manage mental illness with your self respect intact? You are not a terrible person because of your addiction and certainly not because of mental illness--they both carry a lot of stigma they don't deserve so be careful not to buy into that.

It is really hard to rebuild a life that has imploded. But it is possible that the one you build now will be more authentic, more aligned with who you really are and what gifts you have to offer the world (and to your son). Step one is top find your own stability. Tread carefully in the world of medications and work with a professional that has your improvement as a goal, not just maintenance in a zombie state. Avoid people in your family that may make you feel weak or incapable. Trust yourself to heal and to reclaim control over your life.<3
 
I still think about it. Im always debating whether I want to just throw in the towel and become a career criminal. Kind of like suicide, except more in a throwing my life away fashion.

or just take a bunch of benzos and opiates and go lay down somewhere out of the way where my family wouldnt find me first

I dont know what im doing anymore, and I didnt really know before that either so now shit is really all over the place

and its not even like Im in some horrible spot where I couldnt pull myself out of, I just.... dont care anymore

but this apathy even applies to suicide, but I think its more that I dont really want to kill myself, I just dont know what I want to do and would rather do anything than nothing, even if its a dangerous combination of things.

Im just stuck in this rut and cant go anywhere until I complete some form of drug treatment but I just loathe the whole process, and ive been forced to start from zero.

but sometimes I just want to say fuck it, and go right to the finish line
 
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