You have parents and you have friends and you are able to see them and talk to them? i cant do any of that. Maybe if i could i would be far from suicidal. Don't take those things for granted. But not gonna lie, i was also miserable when they were around, just not nearly as bad as today. Dunno if u live alone today but if u do, stop right now, go live with someone that will take care of you, tell someone to go live with you. I would do that if i could. Don't be hard on yourself when you are not fit to care for yourself (??) idk i just dont think that death is the answer, i dont think it is wise to look for her unless she comes to us. The reason is that i am not sure if dying will end our suffering, not at all. If i had managed to kill myself all those times i tried (well yes i did but i was narcan'd lol) there are things i would never have seen and done, and those things have kept me here, doing jack shit but at least now i know that not everything has to be shite. All drugs are dumb if you dont need em. Am very tired.
i moved back in with them for covid and just moved out again. Trust me going back there means i go back the hood and would most likely end up in jail on meth. The place i grew up is super fucked up and just getting worse everybody is on meth no one even respects the gangs there anymore sinces everybody is tweaking so hard.
But i know my own faith and i know death will bring me sweet bliss and an escape from this lifeform. I can not bear to watch anymore failure. This society does not care or even ask people if they are okay ever. I know i would be alot happier in most other countries but i cant handle this place its so fucking fake. Everybody is a fucking fake most people are bullies and im over hearing all the endless put downs people and judgement do here.
Fuck i would take myself out right now if i had a gun on me. I have no guilt dying and now i just have to fully release myself from the thoughts of what would other people think or feel.
each day its becomes more obvious i am worthless to society. That no one in this country gives a fuck no wonder the suicide rate here is so fucking sky high. Just a shitty place were bullying goes on 24/7 EVERYWHERE schools workplaces it never fucking ends. Cant hold down a job because of workplace bullying i will never let anybody bully me if i have a boss ill easily cop a charge and fuck them up thats my one rule i hold to my heart. Aint never gonna get bullied and will humble anybody who tries to do so with my violence and hood mentality i grew up with.
i think its just my storyline that god wrote. A sad fucking story which had some beautiful moments in it for sure but overall a tragic sad story of struggles with mental health addiction been abused in everyway growing up. I thought this year was gonna be my redemption arc and getting my life sorted finally but nope it has repeated once again and just going downhill. I am over surviving i am over fighting. I have lived and done many things and i hope that one day when im gone all those i helped along the way reflect and grow from the pain they will feel and know to spread light in this world like i tried to do for so long for those who needed it.
Only heaven awaits me on the otherside i know that with 100% conviction. Bliss that transcends any drug high or anything in this earth. I shall dwell and rest within god.
My note will only say one thing and one thing only when i do indeed die.
"Do not cry for I now rest in eternal love with the lord"
Why should people be forced to live life againsn't their will because the system just wants more slaves to work and make them rich. I reckon suicide is kind of a beautiful thing when things are truly tough we have our own free will to exercise the right to end our own lives and experience total freedom and bliss. This is a game that was never meant to be forever. And for most people the roll of the dice was fucking horrible.
I learnt many things during my time on earth.
When the time right my death will come by my own hands and no other. For now I will carry on the game just for a little longer to see how it turns out and spend whatever time i have left deepening my love for god.
My dog brings me alot of love but hes on his last legs and old so i will make sure i will not die before him.