TDS The 2024 Suicide Support Group

[ageingpartyfiend]

Times like these I'm happy that my family hasn't completely vanished on me.

Indeed, you're blessed in that way at least

I think of how devastated my mother would be if I were to die by my own hand, and it gives me pause.

I'm a parent. i can't see any way that I wouldn't die of heartbreak within an hour of learning of a child of mine's suicide. It gives you pause for good reason

I haven't gotten over the breakup yet,

YET being the operative word. Shit takes time, but shit will change as sure as eggs are eggs, but you know this

. Idk what's wrong with me man, but it hurts more and more everyday.

I diagnose cool-humanitis

 

[TripSitterNZ]

Rethinking suicide now after this microdose made me feel so calm and happy. One day it will be legal hopefully. It just made the depression go away today.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Would I also have people mourning my death? Would they be in just as much pain? I just can't stand the thought of inflicting that kind of pain on someone,

Yes, many people would mourn your death and be in just as much emotional pain if you took your own life. I guarantee it.

I still have such a heavy desire to just end it all. I feel so trapped, I don't know what to think or do anymore...

Are you using H every day? Is it part of your daily routine?

 

[TripSitterNZ]

I don't really know where else confide in with this, but lately I've been plagued with thoughts of how easy it would be to just shoot up a big dose of heroin, maybe throw in some benzos in there for good measure, and just pass out and die...it sounds like such a peaceful way to die but...seeing so many people in pain from CH's death recently...It makes me feel so conflicted. Would I also have people mourning my death? Would they be in just as much pain? I just can't stand the thought of inflicting that kind of pain on someone, but at the same time I still have such a heavy desire to just end it all. I feel so trapped, I don't know what to think or do anymore...

there will always be people in pain when you die. This thought alone makes me reconsider my own actions.

Life is a hard journey. The day i was going to blow my brains out last this year with a shotgun but delayed it by one day later the night one of my friends had killed himself also that day which the realities of it sunk it seeing how people missed him.

Take care man i hope you manage to find something to help you but i know how hard that is.

 

[JackARoe]

Life is a hard journey.

It has been a long time since I was suicidal but yet everyday I fantasize about the happiness I will feel when I don't have to do life anymore. And Nature is kind, it reminds me that no matter what we will die so in a way it is a blessing. So whatever that is it is sort of a reward. If it is nothingness (like we strive for in a heroin nod) or continued journey it will relieve us of it of life.

I dont want to push myself out because I feel if I cheat I don't get that reward and I have to do it all over again. Like dropping out of high school. No diploma. Hell I made it through that so I can live this life. But life is more than a hard journey. It is set up to have Faith in the Nature of things. But we become Weary Pilgrims for sure. Even Jesus on the cross uttered cmon God you are taking too long. Take this cup from me. Yet he finished it.

Let's face it a lot of people are not feeling the Love. It is up to us to bring it, generate as much as we can. I realized when I wanted out I was just not feeling any love. Feeling forsaken, forgotten stepped on, oppressed, how can one not want out? Yet we push through. I never want to do this life again and sort of believe the journey continues on a higher level. That higher level includes more love. I think that is what sustains us. Same way a mother loves a child and nurtures it to live. But it has to be realized physical life is temporary and does seem like a Master Class we entered. I have respect for everyone that lives a life. The notion on thd NDE when people are welcomed home makes a lot of sense. Cheered on for sticking it out. But checking out too early is not an option for me. Later on who knows.

Also I have not used IV heroin in years. But I am fully aware if I do use it I could OD and people would wonder if it was intentional. So I told my wife people will never know if it was intentional or just trying to get high. I like being a rascal like that. (for me it would be just trying to get high but the risks are big) Let's hope it does not come to that and I drop dead wherever I am peacefully.

Everyone still alive and typing is beyond brave or couragious.

 

[Ds]

I don't really know where else confide in with this, but lately I've been plagued with thoughts of how easy it would be to just shoot up a big dose of heroin, maybe throw in some benzos in there for good measure, and just pass out and die...it sounds like such a peaceful way to die but...seeing so many people in pain from CH's death recently...It makes me feel so conflicted. Would I also have people mourning my death? Would they be in just as much pain? I just can't stand the thought of inflicting that kind of pain on someone, but at the same time I still have such a heavy desire to just end it all. I feel so trapped, I don't know what to think or do anymore...

Rethinking suicide now after this microdose made me feel so calm and happy. One day it will be legal hopefully. It just made the depression go away today.

I appreciate you bringing this up and talking on it. Just know that you are not alone, and you never will be. Most of us on here has experienced those same thoughts about suicide, and personally I think it is normal. Me personally, I wondered what would happen if I would pass, and who might come to my funeral. I was in a dark place once upon a time where I was over a thousand miles from home with a loaded rig, in tears and by the grace of god I was shaking to much to do the shot. I reached out and spoke with a friend/using buddy, and even though I didn't OD that night I continued to get high. So with you speaking on it does really help the process in healing.
There are tons of people here that only want the best for you. Even if people in 'real-life' don't care, just know you have people here that do.

 

[n3ophy7e]

there will always be people in pain when you die. This thought alone makes me reconsider my own actions.

This makes me really relieved to read

 

[JackARoe]

This makes me really relieved to read

Another truth. We stay because we love others. We are all heroes in a way. My parents are 88 my dog is 13. As much pain as I will be in when the pass I also dont want them to have the pain of me passing first. Like a pact we made. Some kind of duty. But wow is it daunting. I feel like I sit here watching people leave me. Yet in another way they jump into my heart and never leave me. They are part of me, not separated in body anymore. But yeah, I do tremble sometimes at what is coming. But after my brother was killed by a drunk driver 35 years ago it was made clear to me nothing is ever taken without something being given back. And I got a lot of internal love and insight. I could almost feel like my brother was patting me on my back as I was giving as much love to the people that needed it.

Apologies for the edit. I hit send as I was tying.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Another truth. We stay because we love others. We are all heroes in a way. My parents are 88 my dog is 13. As much pain as I will be in when the pass I also dont want them to have the pain of me passing first. Like a pact we made. Some kind of duty. But wow is it daunting. I feel like I sit here watching people leave me. Yet in another way they jump into my heart and never leave me. Interesting.

I really relate to that dude. I have been suicidal MANY many times in my life. I have actually attempted suicide 6 times (and thankfully, failed. I now joke that I'm never attempting suicide again because I clearly suck at it ).
My father's brother committed suicide 45 years ago (before I was born). It destroyed my father, and changed his life forever. I still see to this day how much it has hurt him. So whenever I have felt suicidal I think about that, I think about my father how I could never put him through that pain again.
(The 6 times I have attempted suicide in the past I was extremely intoxicated on many substances so much inhibitions and judgement were completely out the window, hence I was unable to have this perspective.)

 

[JackARoe]

^ You see life is tough. Much respect to you. And remember when it is all said and done iife is only 5 minutes. But feels like an eternity. Hey we made it this far!

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thank you

 

[TripSitterNZ]

i hope i come out stronger by the end of the year. Still don't know im ticking along after 20 years of suicidal thoughts with numerous attempts. But coming to bluelight and hearing everybodys kind words makes things alot better.

yet above all the odds i still retained some sense of trying to better myself and not totally give up. Could of been all to easy to say fuck it join a gang and become a cook. Would of been alot of money in that lifestyle but a lifestyle that would of most likely required giving up my soul to the devil and murder and walking over everybody. But the light of my soul won't let me fall that far.

All my friends that stayed in the hood have been involved in so many soul destorying things or locked up for murder. addiction is really bad here in NZ to stims with fuck all or acutally no support services in most places.

Why the fuck does depression have to exist such a fucking fatal design flaw in humans.

Maybe over dec ill try do a 10 day vispana retreat to see if i find some peace that way.

 

[JackARoe]

Why the fuck does depression have to exist such a fucking fatal design flaw in humans.

If you look out into the world as an observer how can any human not be depressed. Wars, violence people screwing each other. I am telling you one of the funniest scenes on the Sopranos was when AJ's therapist asked if he is depressed. He said of course I am depressed you would have to have your head shoved so far up your ass to not be depressed.

But you have heard all of the spirituals sung thoughout history stating this world is not our home we are only passing through. So I watch it like scenerey passing by a box car on a train. Leave the world to the wordly. Keep your spirit above all the crazy wordly stuff. You will make it.

Had a horrible work week some weeks back and decided to take a hit of DMT. As I came out of it the most important thing about those situations were not the situations themselves it was how I handled them that the DMT wanted to spot light. I was kind to people treated them as humans and was happy with that. So don't become a crook TZ. :D

Stay well everyone.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

last night was sitting here crying man tried to reach out for help. Is bluelight the last bastion on earth of kind hearted people who care?. I think so man. Love how people are quick to come over and help themselves to my place but the day i reach out and tell them i aint been doing okay and feeling suicidal suddenly quick to leave make excuses start judging me suddenly for saying like i feel like replasing wtf man i swear bluelight is the only place where i feel acceptance and can speak my mind. All i wanted was somebody to speak to and spend some time with me so i would be able to take my mind off just going off the rails fully. quick to come over for free food and drinks but haha never seen people leave so fast when i reached out. Though fuck them better now to find out they fake friends than waste any more time developing friendships with people in this wack place i moved to.

also found it sad they were talking shit about friends in our circle aswell complaining but so fake to peoples face to gets thing man. Society is toxic i can't stand it anymore where the fuck are all the kind hearted folks in life.

Though there a few people i can count on they going so much tough times atm i don't wanna burden them but every day they are around they always done so much for me. The funny thing is that they are OG MCs and been through everything and have the biggest heart now and if i didnt have them getting me heathly and tryna find something to do in life i would of just totally fallen prey to temptations.

No wonder suicide rates are so high for men its truly fucked man. People always say reach out and get help man i try that so many times and each time it just makes things worse.

God please give me the strength to get through all the pain i don't wanna pain my parents i never want them to bury a son before themselves.

Thanks jack i always appreciate your kindness, wish i had some DMT here myself.

 

[deficiT]

Not really doing so well. I've had control over my anger pretty well recently, but I'm starting to lose it. Last week I nearly fucked up my hand from punching a ladder. This morning I dropped an Adderall on the floor, and I completely tore my room apart frantically trying to find it.

Idk if it's suicidal ideation or just depression and anger boiling up, but I'm feeling so broken and helpless. I can't ever seem to get it right. I've completely given up on sobriety, and just about the only thing I'm looking forward to is getting rly, rly high. Work is relentlessly stressful and idk if I can even do this job. I'd almost be happier just being a pizza delivery driver for the rest of my life. Damn the money.

It just all hurts so much, I miss my little 'family' and the love my ex gave me. It wasn't perfect but it was better than this.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

Not really doing so well. I've had control over my anger pretty well recently, but I'm starting to lose it. Last week I nearly fucked up my hand from punching a ladder. This morning I dropped an Adderall on the floor, and I completely tore my room apart frantically trying to find it.

Idk if it's suicidal ideation or just depression and anger boiling up, but I'm feeling so broken and helpless. I can't ever seem to get it right. I've completely given up on sobriety, and just about the only thing I'm looking forward to is getting rly, rly high. Work is relentlessly stressful and idk if I can even do this job. I'd almost be happier just being a pizza delivery driver for the rest of my life. Damn the money.

It just all hurts so much, I miss my little 'family' and the love my ex gave me. It wasn't perfect but it was better than this.

Hang in there bro loneliness is a tough thing. I been single for so long and nothing ever works out. The only thing giving me solace these days is meditating on god and praying.

When i was on stimulants the depression and anger was at its worst. Have you read the dark night of the soul by the St john of the cross. Its been helping me lately.

 

[deficiT]

Hang in there bro loneliness is a tough thing. I been single for so long and nothing ever works out. The only thing giving me solace these days is meditating on god and praying.

When i was on stimulants the depression and anger was at its worst. Have you read the dark night of the soul by the St john of the cross. Its been helping me lately.

Thanks man, I appreciate that. I'm trying to have a more positive outlook, but end up falling in the same traps I always do. This phase has just been particularly shitty, because I not only lost my partner, but I lost a lot of respect for myself. I used to keep solace in the fact that I'm 'not really that bad of a guy', but I'm starting to understand more and more everyday how totally self absorbed and callous I can be. It's been a long time coming but I can no longer simply blame my childhood experiences for my behavior. Eventually I have to recognize some things and take accountability. But it's not something I really want to do.

I have heard the expression but didn't realize it was a book.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

It's been a long time coming but I can no longer simply blame my childhood experiences for my behavior. Eventually I have to recognize some things and take accountability. But it's not something I really want to do.

tbh man that really bodes well, as difficult as it seems

growth and healing can be painful eh

 

[TripSitterNZ]

We sound very similar. Im still a slave to the trauma of my childhood getting my ass beat every day at school till i got kicked out for becoming very twisted evil and violent in response to the extreme bullying. Though still to this day there is darkness that hangs over me and blood lust fills my mind remembering some of the sick twisted shit some of these purely evil bastards did to me. I don't even like to talk about it at all and the only other person i ever told the true extent of the abuse was when i was under LSD on my second trip ever and it hit me like a fucking sack of bricks and i cried.

Fucking evil cunts are going to burn in hell 100% no movie is even close to the shit i once had done on me at school. Sadly i have heard the same things happen to other kids growing up in schools. Kids can be more fucking evil than adults man. But then you have to wonder if they are that evil what is going on at home for them to think that is totally acceptable.

One of my coping mechanisms has been to consume shit loads of drugs push everybody away from me and be totally lost in the drug haze living like a rock star. Anytime somebody tells me to stop even just smoking weed or harder drugs i cut them out of my life and use even more because i feel like shit getting judged and i dont want that type of judging people around me. Expect of course if they are part of my closest mates and know me well then i will taken into consideration what they have to say because if they are telling me to lay off drugs then i must be getting really bad.

Its hard to take accountability infact is till take no accountability for whatever actions i do and blame PTSD depression anxiety on everything bad i do because it is kind of true that those tramuas have me do everything i ever did. Thats why alot of people who were abused in state homes in NZ in the 1960s 1970s all the way to the 1990s created the gangs we have now because man hearing there stories what the state did to them man mock excutions on 14 year old boys gang raping them this was police, army caregivers church people state officals who were suppose to help these kids. Man the inquiry has been posted on the news this past week and it makes my blood boil. NZ media has created a fake image of our country for outsiders. This place has many dark secrets Especially for all the men who went through that horrific shit.

I respect you man for at least recognizing and trying to take accountability because its fucking hard and actually requires courage to do so.

 

[stardust10]

I try and pretend and distract myself doesn't work so I use alcohol atm. What keeps me going sometimes is the challenge of how much bullshit I can take before I crack mentally. It's not healthy though. I am gonna tell my psychiatrist next phone appointment.