I have been on a variety of anti-depressants for the last year- Vanlafaxine (Effexor) Mirtazone and then finally Aropax (Paroxetine- also known as PAXIL). I sought these medications becasue I was being gripped constantly by fear and anxiety which at rather random moments would blossom into a full fledged panic attack- numb hands, face feet, body tingling, hyperventialtion blah blah blah. Effexor initially gave me hypertension (170/unknown- And I'm only 22 y/old) the Mirtazone, which is alledgedly a 'newer' type on AD combining SSRI action with a strong sedative effect, made me feel like a Zombie. Aropax chilled me out after I overcame the side-effects (which was hellish anxiety- I felt at times I was a microgram away from a full on petit mal seizure). Also I couldn't fuck or sleep, and at times felt some almost hallucionogenic 'vibe' to my outlook. I'm off that shit now, seeing a drug counseller (mainly for help with cannabis addiction) and have begun meditation, use of substances like Kava and Valerian and have been researching some of the practices of buddhism. Let me quote something, verbatim- " Right now you have a mind, and that is all you need to attain happiness" intoned forth by the Dalai Lama, reincarnation of the Buddha of Compassion. I don't trust anti-depressants, I feel they gave me an excuse to not discipline and exercise my mind and overcome my fear through human beings greatest attribute- thought. In the west we think that freedom and discipline cannot go hand in hand, they are almost at complete opposing ends of the spectrum. In the east discipline is freedom. I think its natural to have suicidal thoughts when your sad- we all desire an escape from pain and what more complete escape could there be but death? But I think we should also discuss how when we feel happy, all we want to do is live and experience more. I know this forum is in the 'DARK SIDE', however I feel obliged to mention these things that have helped me. Life is hard at times, but for the love of Shiva, its never all that bad. Discipline your mind, force it away from unhappy, negative thoughts- literally force it away, deny them, attack and kill those nasty thoughts. There's nothing wrong with that- we seem to convince oursleves we are unhappy and really belive it- try the opposite- convince yourself of happiness, really look for those beautiful things in the world and always fight the darkness- eventually, ideally, and most likely the fight won't be a fight- it will be a journey into light. Attack sadness and depression and anxiety not with anger and frustration at your seeming inability to change yourself, but with the knowledge that, as the Dalai Lama said- all the keys to happiness reside in your cranium, in that strange alien spongy mass that houses the complexity of HUMANESS. Happiness comes from within, not without. I realise I have rambled a bit here, please don't edit this as these things are important and helpful to me and I just want to mention some of the things that have helped me beat those demon thoughts. Peace to you all....
ps. Trance music can help, its saved me many times. But each to their own.