Re: Just dont look at me...
shal said:
Recently I've started Luvox. (Anti-Anxiety/Anti-depressant)
It's helped me so much with my anxiety but some of the thoughts have become so intense and my think has become so deep. It seems like I'm questioning every single thing. I'm finding all these little doubts. I'm so scared of whats happening to me. It's now at a point where I don't realise who I am anymore. I want to cry right now, but other times I want to laugh and make others laugh, and I feel so happy.
I dont know. I'm not suicidal but latetly I've thought "What if I just eat 50 Valiums tablets, fall asleep and escape myself forever". Sometimes I'm so happy and other times I'm so fucking down and depressed. It's one extreme to the other. I worry a lot about my future, about my appearance, I want to escape something but I don't know what ! ! !
I don't know.. Everyday I hope for better tomorrows. I see the world around me and I think unjust thoughts. I feel so left behind in so many ways. I wonder what it feels like to be truly happy again.
Some of the feeling are those of being lonely and unloved. I think back to the days when I was a normal human, living a normal life, a nice job, a good girlfriend. I had stability, and now look at me, I feel mentally wrecked, lacking self confidence, lacking direction. Its a moment of truth of in my life.
Fuck it. You know... I think I'll let life take it's course, what happens, happens. I have such little control these days that to live or die, either be, fate is not always in my own hands, or thoughts. If your meant to be alive, you live, and if death is to come to you, then you die, wether self inflicted, or taken from this earth unfairly...
I can't continue to be the person I am....
shals
I feel the same way that Shal does, I'm 21 and supposed to be having the fucking time of my life, but feel like I have the brain of a divorced 40 year old with hiv. Completely jaded in other words
I don't have panic attacks,
I just have GAD
I like things being perfect - a perfectionist, and having a damaged brain does fucked things for my ego, therefore I wonder what the use of living is (im not suicidal) when all life has ended up being is a constant struggle to do day to day things. I hate being mediocre, and that's what having anxiety has turned my personality into.
It's annoying have to put on a farce each day to act as though your happy and everything is coasting a long fine when really you're just empty. I don't believe anxiety can be *fixed*. Anxiety has changed me into a totally different person and it feels as though I don't even know who I am at times - second guessing what I say to people in fear of how they percieve me is starting to fucking annoy me. And what is the use of living each day in fear?
Its a brain malfunction and Ive been constantly told anxiety stays with you for life. I used to look at life as endless possibility for fun, now my brain confines me to a cell without walls. As much as it sounds fucking egocentric, I hate being average and that is excactly what anxiety does. You can't be spontaneous and exciting when you're constantly worrying about shit that has fuck all relevance 24/7. I'm very mucy pessimistic, I fucking loved my life before axiety. I was excessively happy and it was one stupid thing which set off anxiety and fuck does that piss me off.
I feel useless, boring, inadequate and it doesn't matter how many times people compliment me, it means nothing. I think they only way to truly beat anxiety (yes I contradicted myself) is develop a new identity and remove all the things that exacerbate anxiety. Which to be honest, I dont wan't to have a fucking bar of it !
People saying "what happened" you "use to be the life of the party" is really starting to fuck with me. Constantly fretting about my image is and making changes to my appearance to mask the hurt inside is really getting to me... They need to make a benzo that lasts a year at a time that would make me happy!
Now this sound like one great big fucking winge, and it is, none of my friends understand cause I'm known as the outgoing/outrageous one,but it feels as though its juts a bit act - inside Im lost and confused..
People who have never experienced anxiety, cannot relate to me and it really pisses me off, as they try and give a simple answer to your trouble and it just ends up frustrating me more! (that's not their fault though)
I have not read one post on bluelight where anxiety has been totally eliminated from ones brain, it always just ends up being a never ending cycle...
Sorry about the winge, but I do try and get out there and not play the victim , but I really just need to get this rant out. I also dont derive from things that would have easily kept me entertained in the past, and because of my stubborn nature - I take my bad moods out on the ones I love and that's the worst thing.
They say GAD is more debilitating than MS, or on par and people don't realise this. If i hear the excuse "Well you're just growing up, and you're changing" one more time I'm going to shit

Anyways rant over, theres people out their that cope with shit much worse than I have, so I just have to deal..