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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: If 2020 Was the Dumpster, Can 2021 Be the Fire?

Xorkoth

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Lovely post somni ♥️ Good luck with your infection/surgery, sounds awful. What happened if you don't mind me asking?

I just want to say hang in there. I'm a sensitive empath as well and my time in the political forum has been wearing at me because it's hard to understand what is wrong with everybody but it has also given me strength because I can see the world and my family needs me during this trying time. I take assurance in the fact that I am intelligent, caring individual with a big heart. I have a level mind despite my past and I have gained fortitude as I have walked through that fire and come out the other side tempered steel. I'm proud of the man iv become and you should be as well.

I am also an empath. CEPS is a really difficult forum to participate in. It hurts my soul to see how the world is, and how people are. But it has also led me to a much greater understanding of why things are the way they are.

We live in troubled times, indeed. Unprecedented times. Let's just all remember to hang on and remember what is truly important, and that is other people, and love. All we can do individually is try our best to make life better for those whose lives we touch. Try to make the best local world for yourself. If everyone did that, the world would change.
 

dreamflyer

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Thank you to everybody for all of the kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me. <3

I just deleted a bunch of my threads on other forums about topics like religion and politics because they turned into a $#!T-slinging contest and that was NOT my intention.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 

somnilicious

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Lovely post somni ♥️ Good luck with your infection/surgery, sounds awful. What happened if you don't mind me asking?



I am also an empath. CEPS is a really difficult forum to participate in. It hurts my soul to see how the world is, and how people are. But it has also led me to a much greater understanding of why things are the way they are.

We live in troubled times, indeed. Unprecedented times. Let's just all remember to hang on and remember what is truly important, and that is other people, and love. All we can do individually is try our best to make life better for those whose lives we touch. Try to make the best local world for yourself. If everyone did that, the world would change.
I'm ashamed to say that I did it my self. I cut my arm with a steak knife down to the tendons.

My house was chaos just before Thanksgiving. My 75yr old parents and I are trying to raise my pubescent neice because her thug father went to prison for armed robbery and my sister is an ER travel nurse on the front lines of the worst areas of the pandemic. She has a lot of anger and is dealing with a lot because she is without her parents and has a complex because she is a mixed, little, dark skinned angel, who doesn't understand the America she was born into.

I was home schooling her and relapsed. She started becoming abusive to my parents and this combined with my slip was causing extreme tension and conflict in my house. My friend overdosed one night and I revived her but my dad had to come pick me up. In a moment of rage my mom charged me and started punching me. I pushed her back and she dialed the cops and hung up. They still came out but left when they saw the conflict had settled. In a fit of despair, while withdrawing I took a cleaver to my arm and was stunned when the blood spilled out all over my driveway.

The event brought us all together and has been a wake up moment for us all. We are closer than ever.

I didn't immediately go to get stitches but later I went to the hospital when it started to get infected and got antibiotics but had an allergic reaction to the meds and broke out in a full body rash that burned like hell. I went back to the hospital and had to spend a week on IV antibiotics and was put under for surgery to cut out a horrible infection that was traveling up my arm. It actually looks amazing compared to how it looked a month ago. It had almost healed when I got a surface, skin infection around the wound so I got more antibiotics today at the hospital.

I am now on the new antibiotics and the methadone clinic. I've been completely clean except the methadone and occasional gabapentin for nerve pain for a month and a half now and I am spending the evening with my sweet niece. We have a family bike ride planned for tomorrow and I'm proud to say I got all her grades up to A's and B's.

It has been an honor to play such a pivotal role in her life but I am very embarrassed to admit my moment of weakness to strangers on the internet. I own my actions. It is also kind of cathartic. Even moments of pain serve a purpose. It is a catalist for change.

I might erase this. I was going to tell you I cut it while installing carpet...lol... Sharing this intimate and embarrassing tidbit of my life to strangers on the internet was extremely difficult because I am a little afraid of how others will view me and I don't want to give people ammunition to use against me but I am secure in who I am and wear my scars like a badge. Every trial, adversity, mistake and hardship is an opportunity to grow and learn. These scars make me the unique individual I am today and I'm proud to be that guy.

Love Somni♥️
 
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Xorkoth

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Wow man, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're okay. That's awesome you've had such a positive impact on your niece, kids with shitty parents need that so badly, you have probably changed her life a lot, and for the better. Glad to hear you're off the dope, opioid maintenance is such a better way to live. As you know, I struggle with opiates too. I relapsed numerous times this year, but am off of them now. It really humbled me, when I discovered that after 5 years of no cravings whatsoever and believing myself fully cured, one little slip in a moment of pain and weakness brought it all back. Been 2 years since that slip and I still struggle. But, such is life.
 

somnilicious

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Wow man, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're okay. That's awesome you've had such a positive impact on your niece, kids with shitty parents need that so badly, you have probably changed her life a lot, and for the better. Glad to hear you're off the dope, opioid maintenance is such a better way to live. As you know, I struggle with opiates too. I relapsed numerous times this year, but am off of them now. It really humbled me, when I discovered that after 5 years of no cravings whatsoever and believing myself fully cured, one little slip in a moment of pain and weakness brought it all back. Been 2 years since that slip and I still struggle. But, such is life.
Thanks.. More than anything the events of this year have taught me what's important. I have faith in our country I've been through a lot in life but still have love in my heart and an optimistic outlook. I've come out the other side better for the lessons I've learned and our country can do same.
 

Xorkoth

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It's all you can do, man. Maintaining that optimism and love for life and the world and other people is more rare than it should be.
 

somnilicious

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Wow man, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're okay. That's awesome you've had such a positive impact on your niece, kids with shitty parents need that so badly, you have probably changed her life a lot, and for the better. Glad to hear you're off the dope, opioid maintenance is such a better way to live. As you know, I struggle with opiates too. I relapsed numerous times this year, but am off of them now. It really humbled me, when I discovered that after 5 years of no cravings whatsoever and believing myself fully cured, one little slip in a moment of pain and weakness brought it all back. Been 2 years since that slip and I still struggle. But, such is life.
Yeah... Opiod replacement is a million times better than being hooked on heroin/fent for sure. I was on methadone for years then kicked it and benzos in 2015. I had several longish stints completely clean(15mths and 9mths) but I was a mess for a good portion of that time and then spent several years relapsing on and off. I am just glad to be sleeping again because since I kicked the mdone and benzos years ago my sleeping never returned to normal. I would only sleep 4hrs every other night or so. It was hell.

I bet you're glad to be off the opiates. I'm happy for you. I'll probably stay on methadone for as long as it continues to benefits me because it's free right now at my clinic, which is amazing compared to the $450+ a mth I used to pay. I wish they would have made the cost of a medicine that costs pennies to make more affordable a long time ago because it definitely stabilizes me and basically reduces my cravings for all drugs completely. I'm a chronic relapser, who has been addicted to opiates for about 22yrs. My life is better in every capacity when I'm taking my daily dose.

I truly am glad you're doing well. I wouldn't wish opiate addiction on my worst enemy.
 
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Shadow Cat

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Tell me about it brother i been thinking about going on Methadone myself if getting to the clinic here wasnt such a pain in the arse with having to work eachday. It deff helps my cravings more than Bupe and i dont relapse when im on it like i do with sub. In the city it was way more convenient like two stops on F train legit 15min ride and two block walk. Now it is in the complete opposite direction from my job and i have no car right now and i hate waking up early. Im just making all kinds of excuses amirite. Havent done any dope in 7 days tho and i got in massive fight with my connect and im never talking to that bitch ever again. Some cab driver asked if i wanted to buy a bundle yesterday tho its crazy how dope just finds me doea this shit happen to regular folks for some reason i doubt it. Im gonna try and make Bupe doctor appoinment this week im paying for this insurance now and should put it to use.
 

Shadow Cat

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Ive tried to kill myself before a few times @somnilicious dont ever be embarrassed to share your struggles cuz it helps people to read it that go through the same thing. I tell people the scars on my wrists are from the ovens at work and half them are. But the deepest ones i did to myself in utter pain and sadness my illness gets really bad sometimes especially when i stop tripping for too long. Believe it or not the psychedelics keep me stable but i have to take a week off cuz i dont wanna ruin my tolerance i would have tripped way harder today if i didnt do the DOC the day before. Its all about finding a balance and using them as a the medicine they truly are. But yeah man anyone that would judge you concerning something like that well you wouldnt want them as a friend in the first place, love you brother.
 

somnilicious

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Thanks @Cosmic Charlie... Love you to bubb. I'm so glad BL and especially PD forum are here for me to talk about these things.

I've never really liked the way Subs make me feel but honestly I've probably never given them a fair chance because I had been on methadone for a few years before I had ever even heard of subs and the few times I tried to switch over from fentanyl recently I didn't wait long enough and got a little PWD.

I've also tried to kill myself several times but that was almost a decade ago and had been doing great in regard to my mental health but then went on a binge with fentanyl, cocaine, xanax and phenibut the rebound insanity I get from gaba drugs is unreal. My body goes into turmoil due to being addicted to benzos for 10yrs. I should have known better.

I've also had many a fight with a dealer, actually love when that happens because it always gives me the motivation to kick them and their dope to the curb. Why the hell do so many of them talk so shitty to their customers? Doesn't make sense.

I can't wait to trip again. I stopped because my LSD connect moved across the city and I also had began to lose trust in him because he started using meth. Last time I talked to him he called me up out of the blue, when I hadnt talked to him in mths and was trying to push a whole vial on me, which is very out of the ordinary from our previous interactions. I got a San Pedro growing and will probably order some cuttings or chips one day soon. Shrooms can sometimes be a little rough for me so I'm keen to try some phenylethylamines. I wish I had been more interested when there were so many 2c's floating around on the clear.
 
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SunriseChampion

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@dreamflyer
I'm just some fucking guy so this may not mean much, but you're a beautiful soul....and as I've told you before: never change on account of others.

I'm a bit younger than you (ok, a decent bit younger) but I've also felt lost and still do....been just floating around for the last 15 years, but especially the last 10. No apparent purpose etc.
But I still hold on because every day I see the beauty of the universe and it give me a sense of hope for finding that which I'm looking for.

Besides, 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the age of the oldest millennials....so, young af. :)
Anyway, it's never too late to find something that grounds you and gives your life meaning.

I've also been single for a long time and feel lonely because of it now, at this point, but don't let that detract from your self-worth. I haven't let it detract from mine in the slightest.
 

Xorkoth

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Yeah... Opiod replacement is a million times better than being hooked on heroin/fent for sure. I was on methadone for years then kicked it and benzos in 2015. I had several longish stints completely clean(15mths and 9mths) but I was a mess for a good portion of that time and then spent several years relapsing on and off. I am just glad to be sleeping again because since I kicked the mdone and benzos years ago my sleeping never returned to normal. I would only sleep 4hrs every other night or so. It was hell.

You probably already know this since I've talked all about it on here, but I was on opiates, kratom then poppy tea with some episodes of heroin and oxy, but honestly poppy tea is a fucking intense opiate, heavy morphine plus codeine dose and with poppy seed tea the fats make a sort of time release effect that makes it last an entire day. To this day I have a mega perma-tolerance to opioids from that. Thank god I never went to the needle, I'd probably be dead. In fact I have a terrible needle phobia which I'm thankful for though it makes getting blood drawn at the doctor an ordeal.

Anyway, I despaired of ever getting off opiates back then and was so despondent I wished I would die, I fantasized about killing myself but never intended on actually doing so, but longed to have some accident happen out of my control, like getting hit by a bus or something. When I did ibogaine, it truly changed me and I quit right then and the spell was broken, it felt like I had never even been addicted, the few years following that were the best I've ever felt, and it showed me that I really do not need opioids to feel good.

I still can't believe I relapsed sometimes. It happened while I was visiting my parents and my dad was in the ending stages of ALS... it turned out to be the last time I ever saw him, and I knew that deep down. He was suffering more than I've ever seen anyone suffer, the time before that he told me that he is in hell, that every moment of life is torture and he just wanted to die so much, but he was afraid to hurt us. He was having a particularly bad night and the level of pain and sadness and anger (at my mom, she was deeply affected by caretaker syndrome by then and would sort of punish him subconsciously and it was unbearable to me to witness), and my mom threw away an almost empty bottle of his liquid morphine prescription since he got a new one. Before I even thought about it, I grabbed it out of the trash and drank it. Turned out to be a heavy dose, and I got too high, went to bed, and the whole next day I was vomiting. It wasn't even a good experience and I felt so guilty and ashamed, but it had planted the bug again. For the 5 years since ibogaine, that addiction bug, that thought you get in your head that won't go away and soon you succumb and take opiates, was completely gone. People would offer me opiates and I'd easily turn them down, no desire at all. Once I relapsed the one time, the bug was back. And I haven't been able to shake it since. But my level of use has never gotten anywhere near what it was in my main phase of addiction. I've had a few periods of weeks to months of using and then I'll get off again.

I bet you're glad to be off the opiates. I'm happy for you. I'll probably stay on methadone for as long as it continues to benefits me because it's free right now at my clinic, which is amazing compared to the $450+ a mth I used to pay. I wish they would have made the cost of a medicine that costs pennies to make more affordable a long time ago because it definitely stabilizes me and basically reduces my cravings for all drugs completely. I'm a chronic relapser, who has been addicted to opiates for about 22yrs. My life is better in every capacity when I'm taking my daily dose.

I have thought about replacement therapy, but what I learned from my time off opiates post-ibogaine is that I am happier without them, I do have some trauma but it's trauma I gained as an adult and is not incorporated into my personality and sense of self, so I really don't need to be medicating. When I was addicted for 10 years, I was self-medicating to deal with being in an abusive relationship/marriage. But now I love my life and who I am, even though I've gone through a lot of loss and difficulty the last few years.

Whenever I start doing them, there is a honeymoon period where I feel like I am functioning better and being a better version of myself, but then after a while, I start to feel like less than who I normally am, life feels dulled, I am less motivated, and I am less vibrant. So I am determined to just remove them from my life again, like I did before (except on my own this time, I think an ibogaine flood dose is a once in a lifetime thing and I won't do that again). I don't think maintenance is the right path for me, but I think that for some people, being on opiates really does improve their quality of life, even long-term, for for them I say, no reason at all to feel bad about being on maintenance indefinitely, it's about making the best quality of life for yourself and if opiates help with that, I don't see how it's different from people with anxiety disorders being on benzos for life, or any other pharma drug that truly helps someone. Drug abstinence is not a virtue in and of itself, sometimes drugs can be good. Obviously using dangerous illegal drugs and living that lifestyle isn't good for anyone, but if you can get pure pharma opiates where you know the dose and aren't destroying yourself financially and legally, it can be a viable option.

I truly am glad you're doing well. I wouldn't wish opiate addiction on my worst enemy.

Me either, man. It truly is the worst. I would never have believed the hellish depths I would eventually descend to because of long-term opiate addiction.
I've never really liked the way Subs make me feel but honestly I've probably never given them a fair chance because I had been on methadone for a few years before I had ever even heard of subs and the few times I tried to switch over from fentanyl recently I didn't wait long enough and got a little PWD.

I'm just some fucking guy so this may not mean much, but you're a beautiful soul

Agreed, @dreamflyer. I hope you never let the world totally beat you down. It tries its best (or rather, other humans try their best, not the world itself) to beat down everyone who is vibrant and unique and kind and special, and so many people lose the battle and lose their essence. You're awesome and unique, don't ever forget it. ♥️
 

Xorkoth

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Man now I want more drugs, too bad I finished off my nitrous last week, I had a box of 50 and used a handful here and there, it lasted me like 2 months. Would hit the spot right now

Good thing I'm not a drug fiend for psychedelics because I could probably get my entire city high with my stash. :ROFLMAO: 8(
 

Shadow Cat

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In a moment of weakness I was hiding in the fridge at work hitting the N2O from whip cream bottles that just got delivered one day when I was on a binge of Dissos and psychs but I cant do that ever again. I'd hate to get in trouble for something so dumb at work especially now with the promotion. I've actually pondered with the though of ordering some canisters and a cracker soon it is fun stuff once in awhile...maybe soon. Is it safe to use cracker and balloon will that oil get in your lungs I heard about?
 

Xorkoth

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If you crack it into a balloon you'll be fine, it's hitting it direct that's the problem, even from a whip cream dispenser. A balloon is always going to safer, though I usually hit it straight from the whip cream dispenser through my shirt.
 

TripSitterNZ

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i wish i had more drugs aswell its like a fucking drought over summer no ket no mdma no good edibles about. NOS here is the most expensive bullshit ever each ballon lung fill must cost you $5-10 crazy totally not worth it at all. The only thing i do have is LSD but then tolerance is a issue.
 
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