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PAWS is a bitch and I missed you guys

xburtonchic

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Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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*note: some of what i say may be slightly triggering. I downplayed it as best i could. No explicit descriptions of drug use or anything, just... yeah. Stuff.

Wow its been so long since I've posted... it actually took me several attempts to log in cuz I forgot my username. Almost created a new account... but I got it and so burtonchic lives on :D Anyway a lot has happened since I have posted last, but I will do my best to explain what led me to this point as short and as concise as i can.

I just kicked heroin again after relapsing; the last two years have been punctuated with multiple quitting attempts and rehab and a couple trips to jail... ya know, same shit different run. Except this time my parents followed through and actually kicked me out, and I moved in with my dealer at the time. I stayed there for a while, kept my job (which was a really great job with awesome pay and benefits)... and then I fell for the chick. I've never been with a girl before her (I had only recently allowed myself to admit that I'm bisexual), and her ex was also living there, so I didnt do anything about it. And then she told me that she had feelings for me and I admitted mine and within a few weeks, her ex moved out. The bitch acted like she didnt have a problem with us being together and everything seemed cool.

And then a month went by and shit HIT the fucking fan. My girlfriend was selling for a gang in the area and her ex made up some bullshit ass lie about how she was the one who had been running the business and how my girl owed her money (this was absolutely NOT true), but because she fucked probably all of them, they believed her. They didnt give a fuck that this could be backed up by multiple people and bank statements and etc. Long story short, her ex and three of the dudes came in with guns drawn and forced me AND her to leave and hand over our keys at gun point. I wasn't allowed to take anything with me so I lost everything which sucks, and my girlfriend lost her business. Luckily she had saved a ton of money though, and I still had my job, so we lived out of hotels near my work for a while. However we were being threatened constantly and it was getting to be strained financially, and it was causing us to fight. A lot.

So I quit my job, we packed up what little possessions we still had, and headed east to move in with a family member in Georgia. The idea was to go out there and get a fresh start and find jobs... and that lasted all of two weeks. In short, we were bored. Going from a big city like Los Angeles out to the fucking swamps where there is NOTHING to do was hard. And so we decided to take a trip to Atlanta... and thats where we started fucking up again. We spent the next two months alternating between making the four hour drive to Atlanta to score and having it sent via overnight from a dealer I found out in Washington on some random forum who was willing to do so (i do NOT recommend this by the way... I got REALLY lucky that this person was actually legit and my moment of pure desperation didnt end in me going to prison or being scammed). Needless to say, Georgia was not working out. Not only were we using purer and higher quantities than before, we were losing our minds from boredom. And so we packed up again and now here we are, staying with a family member of hers in California. And so its been for the last few months.

Frankly, we are done. Im done. She's done. We never got into fights over drugs or anything and our relationship is fucking amazing... we just got fed the fuck up with the lifestyle and wanted out. So over the last week, we stocked up on Xanax and split a Suboxone between the two of us and strapped the fuck in for the ride. Despite one slip up on day 4, when we found some we had accidentally lost, we got through the worst of it. Because of the slip up we are on day 3 again, but it must have been some weak ass shit because we didn't feel it and it didnt set our withdrawals back.

Regardless, I feel like I am on day 7. This is and always has been the part where I start to cave. My cravings are STRONG but I have been alternating between mindfulness techniques, reading motivational quotes online and people's posts on this forum and straight white knuckling it. Although I feel like my resolve is stronger this time than it ever has been, im scared. Im fucking scared. My track record with relapse doesn't exactly work in my favor and I am afraid of falling into old habits. PAWS and the residual withdrawal symptoms (lots of hot and cold flashes, some minor aches, and serious lethargy) are messing with my head.

But I WANT this. More than I ever have. And I am seriously determined to do whatever the fuck it takes. We are going to a Heroin Anonymous meeting tomorrow, and I fully intend on giving NA a real shot for the first time ever once the physical stuff calms down enough for me to get my ass to a meeting at least once a day and actually be able to pay attention and work the steps. In the meantime I have been taking short walks once a day and petting the cat and watching twisted shit like American Horror Story. Idk why but watching sick sadistic twisted shit has helped more than anything lol.

Other than the bars (which im now only taking at night to help sleep), and my last dose of Suboxone this morning (which was maybe .25mg or less), I have been taking 8mg of loperamide in the mornings and 4mg at night, small tokes of weed maybe twice a day (I don't ever get stoned tho), and a cocktail of vitamins (vitamin C, magnesium, potassium, CoQ, 5-HTP, and B6)... and ibuprofen as needed.

BlueLight and this forum in particular have definitely been a savior of my sanity and halted potential relapse in the past so I figured it was time to come back :)

Plus I missed you guys!!! It's so good to see familiar faces or should I say usernames like NSA and C.H and herbavore and others. This forum is amazing and so are all of you <3

P.S. I know this is long, sorry.. I really did try to cut out any unnecessary details and just write down the critical stuff!! Thanks if you sat and actually read through it all lol
 
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cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
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Hey girl I am glad you made it back to us again! I am trying to put my life back together after another relapse myself. I will say that you sound way more mature then you used to be I don't say that to bash you or anything this lifestyle just has a way of humbling even the strongest of us. If you can find a way to channel that inner stubbornness into your new lifestyle then I am pretty sure you will be fine. Easier said then done I know.

I don't want to beat a dead horse cause I know me and you have talked about this before in your previous threads but I gotta ask again. Have you thought about maintenance? Like really thought about it? I know the reflexive response is fuck that I am getting clean today but lets face it you never know when that last relapse is going to for real be the last relapse you know? Personally I would be dead without methadone. I cant remember the last time I had a real opiate craving. (Granted other drugs are a different story). But for real give it some real thought please.?

Anyway like I said I am glad you posted. I hope its a smooth landing.
.
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,004
Hey cj! Thanks for replying, good to see ya still here :) And yeah I am definitely more mature than I was back then... I know what you mean and im not offended so no worries. Last time I got clean, I still cared WAY too much what everyone else thought of me and valued their opinions of me over my own. I've been humbled since then, for sure, and now I really just don't give a fuck anymore. I have learned how to love myself first, as they say. It's made a huge huge difference.

The problem for me with maintenance is that I don't feel like myself after a while. When I was on sub maintenance before, it was great for about a year and then it started acting like other opiates for me in the regard that I lost interest in everything, my personality disappeared, and I just stopped feeling human again. I believe Sub is great for short term detox but it's not for me long term, unfortunately.

I actually gave methadone a shot a few weeks ago and had a bad reaction. Within a few hours of my dose I was violently ill, it felt like being dope sick but a thousand times worse. I thought it just wasnt working and i was sick, and i was barely able to make it to the clinic the next day... but I was there at 6 AM on the dot puking in the trash can in the waiting room while I tried to stand (well sit lol) in line for my dose. It made everything worse. It was 30mg both days by the way, so it's not that I was given too much. Either way methadone is out.

I get what you're saying... you never know if your last relapse is gonna be the LAST relapse... but Suboxone stole my soul the same way other opiates did, and getting back in touch with my spirituality and who I am is a HUGE reason for why I want to be free of this. I know its a shot in the dark given my history of relapse, but I believe in myself and only myself. I am not looking for outside distractions this time. I am looking within and allowing myself to really come face to face with my demons, whatever they are. And maybe if I actually give N.A. a real try, they can help me help myself for good this time.

But I do see where you're coming from and I've thought about it myself. This is my last ditch attempt and if it doesn't work, then yea... I will go on maintenance.
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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Going into day five a few hours from now. Today has been rough. I am at that stage where the physical withdrawals are lingering and the mental stuff is hitting hard. So it feels overwhelming at times, and that sucks. Hanging in there through sheer power of will though. I didnt use today and that makes it a good day.
 

cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
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Your almost through the worst of it now. Have you been able to sleep any yet? If you can make it to the first good nights sleep without breaking you will start feeling that sense of accomplishment and hope. My best advice is too continue having patience for yourself and your body. It is going to take a good little while for you to start feeling your best again but every day it will get a little easier overall. Just think when you get old you will have a bad ass story about your time as a heroin addict. The best part being that it will just be a story a snippet of time in a long happy life.

You can do this.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
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Life has no meaning, yet I keep searching...
OMG I LOVE YOU

please call me!!!!!!!!!!
 

VastEmpty

Bluelighter
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Jul 22, 2016
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Burton -

Congrats on making it to five days! I know exactly what it feels like to move from the physical to the mental. I'm on day 14 myself and I'm still dragging ass. It's my 3rd quit atempt in a year and I believe what others say - it gets harder every time. Last time at this point I was working again. This time I took 3 weeks off, so I got another one to go before I have to go back, thank christ.

Anyway, I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sending good vibes your way. I'm knew here - so I wasn't around back when you were. But I see you have a blog so I'll check that out - cause I sure won't be sleeping! :\

- VE
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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C.H!!! OMG I LOVE YOU TOO & IT IS SO AWESOME TO SEE YOU STILL HERE!!! <3 My first reaction when I logged on finally was to call you haha no lie!! PM me your number bc I got a new phone... or call me!! my number is still the same :)

cj - I've been using Xanax to sleep, I take 1 mg around midnight and get a solid 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep out of it... a fucking blessing in the sense that I get a break from reality lol and obviously cuz rest is necessary to start feeling better... so yea honestly sometimes it feels like sleep is the only thing I have right now. I suspect this will change when I stop taking the Xanax in a few days but for now, its helpingand im grateful for that!

VastEmpty - Welcome to BlueLight and congrats on day 14!!! That is seriously awesome. After today, you'll be able to say you've been clean for more than 2 weeks and that is seriously awesome. I look forward to the day when I can say the same :)

P.S. oh god I dont even want to know what my blog says from back in the day hahaha
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
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May 17, 2011
Messages
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Day 5, woke up feeling like shit. Last night was the first night I reduced my Xanax and it definitely showed. Barely got any sleep. I would rather go through Marine Corps boot camp again a million times over than do this shit. At least that shit makes you feel strong, real fast. This just feels like its breaking me down slowly, piece by piece.

But hey if I learned anything from boot camp, its that you have to be completely broken down before you can become something new. I was one of the smallest and weakest recruits and by the end I was squad leader and I will never forget how my Staff Sgt said in front of my entire platoon that they should take me as an example, because I was a "phoenix who rised out of the ashes." I'm trying to channel that inner fire now but fuck my life this is hard. Its like going to war but on a very personal and individual level.

Blah.

I hope everyone else is having a better day than me <3
 

MisterNotSoClean

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 1, 2016
Messages
165
Awesome that you are pulling through! There's only one thing I have ever experienced more painful than opiate wds and I had to nearly twist my leg off at the knee to find out :p

Keep going Burtles!!!( phone auto corrected to that but I thought it sounded funny so to me you are now Burtles.)
 

cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
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Your going to start feeling better physically real soon. Try to keep that in mind. Unfortunately it does seem to get worse with every kick and passing year. It's just the nature of brain chemistry. You've been on quite the roller coaster all together from the sounds of it. Is there anyway you can afford some counseling? I know it's expensive and can be a slow process but having a safe space to air some of the pain you've been through can only be a good thing.

Hang in there. I'm rooting for you!
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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Burtles lmao thank you for the genuine smile MNSC. Today has been sooo hard physically/mentally but that made me laugh :D

cj - yea right now bluelight is acting as my safe space haha. Ever since I left my job and lost my insurance I've been on MediCal. MediCal is a nightmare to deal with as is and has even less options for people that need mental or substance abuse help. Just the thought of dealing with all the bureaucracy it would take to find a counselor who accepts it is exhausting and disheartening.

Im still going to hold on. Its only halfway through day 5. I know I need to give myself a break.
 

Jabberwocky

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OMG I LOVE YOU
Though I have no idea where this is coming from, I concur immensely with CH sentiments. You are so damn impressive Burton, so resilient, so strong, and so much more intelligent than you know. I hope you find your way asap. Please let us know if there is anything any of us can do to help <3

It is a huge struggle in our culture, but please please please try and be kind and gentle with yourself, whether it's how you shower or the way you think, we all would really benefit from being a little gentler and kinder with ourselves. You're clearly a very loving, kind person, so I hope you can bring some of your compassion and generosity home to yourself in this your time of need. I'd love love love to see you succeed, by standards you define and set for yourself.

We are all rooting for you!
 

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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Thanks everyone. You all are so sweet, I wish I could see myself the way you guys do all the time but sometimes its hard!! Sleep is starting to get rough since cutting out the xanax, but I do feel a little better today. Im really trying to be easier on myself... I keep thinking I should feel better than I do, but then I remember im only on day 6. I know I still have a ways to go. Gotta be patient with myself and this process.

You all are so amazing as well. Thank you <3
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
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Wishing you well!
 

xburtonchic

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Thank you CH :)

I do feel better today, just super emotional. I have court next week and my papers, along with ONE of my favorite pair of boots, has mysteriously vanished and I know for a fact im not the one who moved it. Its so small, but pissing me off more than it probably would under normal circumstances.

Otherwise... im doing alright today. Much better than yesterday!!
 

cj

Moderator: H&R, MH
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Messages
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Thank you CH :)

I do feel better today, just super emotional. I have court next week and my papers, along with ONE of my favorite pair of boots, has mysteriously vanished and I know for a fact im not the one who moved it. Its so small, but pissing me off more than it probably would under normal circumstances.

Otherwise... im doing alright today. Much better than yesterday!!
You really are doing awesome! Try to start doing some enjoyable things in the next couple days as you start feeling physically better. I know I usually get a couple days of feeling pretty good after the physical withdrawal before PAWS fully sets in. Try to use that time to build a healthy routine while you feel like doing it.
 

VastEmpty

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Messages
548
Hey Burtles (sorry Mr.Clean, it was too good to not steal) -

You are rocking it! How is your girlfriend doing? I've never quit with someone before, not really. I'm not sure if that would be good or bad, haha. Do you have any short-term goals for your clean time? I found that helped me a lot. Sometimes they are stupid - like my goal today was to eat more than once. But my goal tomorrow is to push myself physically AND to do some actual work for the first time in a few weeks. I'm not technically "back on the clock" until Monday - but I can tell by checking my email that I'm gonna either have to work a bit this week or work my ass off next week. I pick my goals for the next day and for the next few days. My overall goal this week is to get a gym membership by Sunday. It helps me with doing my "next right thing" as they say.

I know all about the super emotional time. I had to tell the few people (3, including my doctor) who know what I'm doing not to ask me how I am for the first week or so - cause the answer is gonna be "shitty" and I don't want to talk about how shitty I feel. Truth is, it would make me cry every time someone asked. And I hate to cry. Also, I spent a lot of time alone during the emotional phase.

Keep it up, Burtles. You got this, it'll just take time. Also, your old blog posts aren't scary at all - in fact I learned quite a bit. I won't bring it up on this thread, as its old stuff, but you are one strong chick. Boot camp?!? I would be kicked out by day 2, at the latest.

- VE
 
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