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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Had the usual morning fight with my husband. According to him im blaiming every thing I don't want to do on my PTSD.
Yesterday I showed him this video about ptsd and stress response/anxiety in rats where they explained conditioning. My ex used to have these like 5 hours sessions where I had to account for something I did like every detail, and I could not even just say what was true because he just would not believe me and would keep me there until I had answered everything "right". That happened loads of times.

Tried to explain to my husband that that's why I get all quiet and can't really answer him properly when we have a discussion/argument. For me every "serious" conversation is super stressful. But my husband don't seem to get that it's not just me wanting to get out of an uncomfortable situation. It's like literally hell for me. Especially now with the police hearings and having to think about all this shit again

Sorry blue friends rambling here again as asual
 

SAT4N_420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
133
Location
COVID-19 infested Hell
How are you feeling today @SAT4N_420 ?
Still depressed, not as bad as yesterday but still pretty bad. I'm still trying to get stuff done but I just feel so slow and tired and it doesn't help that doing anything feels so pointless. I just want to lay down and give up on everything.

I'm also really craving drugs right now. I'll gladly take almost anything that will get me high, especiallly if it's an opioid. But I'm on a really tight budget right now so I have to resist the temptation to buy anything as much as I can.

Ugh, at this point I just feel like a completely lost cause...
 

Shady's Fox

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Joined
Jul 12, 2017
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7,816
Location
Palm trees & sea, just walkin along the beach.
Had the usual morning fight with my husband. According to him im blaiming every thing I don't want to do on my PTSD.
Yesterday I showed him this video about ptsd and stress response/anxiety in rats where they explained conditioning. My ex used to have these like 5 hours sessions where I had to account for something I did like every detail, and I could not even just say what was true because he just would not believe me and would keep me there until I had answered everything "right". That happened loads of times.

Tried to explain to my husband that that's why I get all quiet and can't really answer him properly when we have a discussion/argument. For me every "serious" conversation is super stressful. But my husband don't seem to get that it's not just me wanting to get out of an uncomfortable situation. It's like literally hell for me. Especially now with the police hearings and having to think about all this shit again

Sorry blue friends rambling here again as asual
That's why you think twice before committing your life to someone else.
 

Vastness

Moderator: PD
Staff member
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1,979
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iterating through cyclic eternities
My ex used to have these like 5 hours sessions where I had to account for something I did like every detail, and I could not even just say what was true because he just would not believe me and would keep me there until I had answered everything "right". That happened loads of times.

Tried to explain to my husband that that's why I get all quiet and can't really answer him properly when we have a discussion/argument. For me every "serious" conversation is super stressful. But my husband don't seem to get that it's not just me wanting to get out of an uncomfortable situation. It's like literally hell for me.
Holy fucking christ, thanks for sharing that, maybe it was not easy, that sounds horrific. :(

Has your husband had any kind of counselling himself or made any effort to educate himself about PTSD?

Aware I'm kind of jumping into the discussion here and am a little altered so I'll keep this post short in case I missed something further back or misunderstood something or just say something dumb, but IMO obviously conflict resolution when said conflict is a trigger for any PTSD symptoms is something that needs to be done the right way, ie, there is most definitely a wrong way to approach an argument, or even a discussion, preferably, the juxtaposition of these terms is noted. That being the case if your husband isn't aware of where the lines are then he has a moral duty to become aware of them, in some places there are various services that can advise him on this, ah god I'm sorry I thought I'd be coherent enough to be able to say something useful but I don't think I am in fact, all the best to you anyway.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Thanks for your answer @Vastness ! don't think he's really able to be as considate as I need. He probably has some empathy problems I think. Can't answer as long as I would like. We are going try it a few more weeks but I think a divorce has been coming for a long time so.



On my way to like the 6th police hearing regarding my ex now. As nervous as always. Wish me luck blue friends <3
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
It went good! Got more positive news! Totally fucking anxious exhausted wreck though, 1,5 mg of xanax was not even noticable due to my anxiety levels lol. Bought some beer so gonna relax when I get home. Or try at least!
 

SAT4N_420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
133
Location
COVID-19 infested Hell
Well, now I don't really feel miserable, just feel completely numb, empty and apathetic, not sure if that still counts as depression? I ocassionaly fall into this type of mental state and I'm never sure if feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable. Well, at the very least it's easier to think straight and objectively.

It went good! Got more positive news! Totally fucking anxious exhausted wreck though, 1,5 mg of xanax was not even noticable due to my anxiety levels lol. Bought some beer so gonna relax when I get home. Or try at least!
It's great to hear that the hearing went good for you. I haven't really gone back far enough in the thread to have a solid understanding of what exactly is going on so forgive me for that, but it definitely seems like it's a big source of stress so I do hope that you can put it behind you soon.

I'm guessing you probably don't need someone to tell you this but be really careful with combining gaba drugs. I speak from experience when I say that things can easily go pretty bad with that combo.

Also, I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but if it's been for a long time then maybe a divorce would be better sooner rather than later. If you've been with him for a long time then he's had plenty of time to try to understand what PTSD is and how it affects you. Of course, you know more about your relationship than I ever could so in the end you're more qualified to say how much more time you should give him, but personally I just think that understanding and accepting each other's health conditions is vital in a relationship and if someone isn't willing to put in the effort to do that then they might not deserve to be in a relationship in the first place.
 

RainbowElf

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Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
95
I think this is a great thread, I don't have any confidence in myself,I just started a new job and already I'm think I wont do good at it,I worry too much about what people think about me, it's why I left my last job.

I start thinking everyone is looking at me and judging me,is this a sort of mental illness?

I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.
 

ageingpartyfiend

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Joined
Mar 5, 2011
Messages
1,487
I think this is a great thread, I don't have any confidence in myself,I just started a new job and already I'm think I wont do good at it,I worry too much about what people think about me, it's why I left my last job.

I start thinking everyone is looking at me and judging me,is this a sort of mental illness?

I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.
The bolded bits - yes it is - that is anxiety
 

deficiT

Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
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Mar 7, 2011
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South Atlantic, US
I'm starting to do better. I left the job that was stressing me and taking up all my time. I basically threw my whole life and marriage away in a manic fit to be with someone I only knew for a very short period of time, and, of course they ended up letting me down and I was more broken than I think I've felt in a very long time. Luckily I am blessed to have an extremely gracious and patient partner that hasn't quite forgiven me, but we're working on it.

This was only a week or two ago, but things are starting to come around and I think I'm starting to stabilize. I still have so many financial stressors I'm trying not to think about, but I've been pushing them from my mind. It's just not worth the mental energy.

Overall, I feel, a little nervous but hopeful for the future, as long as I can stick to the path. Love to all the BLers out there round the globe <3
 

RainbowElf

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
95
Everyday I worry about going to work and get and get anxious, I always feel like people think I'm not learning fast enough, or that I'm stupid, this really effects me on how I perform on the job.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Well, now I don't really feel miserable, just feel completely numb, empty and apathetic, not sure if that still counts as depression? I ocassionaly fall into this type of mental state and I'm never sure if feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable. Well, at the very least it's easier to think straight and objectively.


It's great to hear that the hearing went good for you. I haven't really gone back far enough in the thread to have a solid understanding of what exactly is going on so forgive me for that, but it definitely seems like it's a big source of stress so I do hope that you can put it behind you soon.

I'm guessing you probably don't need someone to tell you this but be really careful with combining gaba drugs. I speak from experience when I say that things can easily go pretty bad with that combo.

Also, I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but if it's been for a long time then maybe a divorce would be better sooner rather than later. If you've been with him for a long time then he's had plenty of time to try to understand what PTSD is and how it affects you. Of course, you know more about your relationship than I ever could so in the end you're more qualified to say how much more time you should give him, but personally I just think that understanding and accepting each other's health conditions is vital in a relationship and if someone isn't willing to put in the effort to do that then they might not deserve to be in a relationship in the first place.
Are you still feeling that numb feeling or have it gotten a bit better?

Thanks for the kind words! And thanks for the concerne of mixing gaba drugs but im quite used to combining and have priorly ruined my tolerance a bit so it's okay!

We have been together 2 years now. I think I should have broken up long ago. He has quit and then relapsed a few times now bc of me continuing smoking weed while he was sober. I know it's not my responsibility what he does but I know how much it affects him in a bad way when he relapses. So I think it's for the best of us both that we split up. He actually bringed it up yesterday, I haven't had the guts. So we talked a bit about splitting up. We are going to try this for a little while longer, but he also seems to think it's for the best to split up. So thats a relief. It's just hard when you have become so used to be with another person.
 

schizopath

Moderator: Music
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May 10, 2019
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Dimension XYZÖ
You can delete your posts.

Im doing pretty well, got some money and drugs. Propably gonna visit my friends today and stuff.
 

Flynnal

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Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
491
I don't want to die but living like I have for the past few days has almost made it not worth my while.

I will be seeing a GP and getting an urgent referral to a psych. Things have been getting too hard for me and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

A hole with a warm blanket on it. Oh how I long for the days when I had access to tons of benzos and barbs.

Those oxycodone tablets are so so tempting but I have to ignore the devil. But then what do I do? Suffering in silence is the "in" thing, right?
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
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It is the in thing to do.

But you took a step and posted here.

And i hope you continue to do so.
 

on.my.way🌿

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
383
Have been feeling worse and worse lately. Every day seemed to get worse. Finally the mushroom season is here though, so I have started microdosing psilocybe semilanceata. Im following Paul Stamets microdosing schedule with four days on and three off. I noticed a difference the first day. Seems to help with the PTSD a lot. Today was rough nontheless though. Somehow time passes much quicker for me while microdosing so im reeeaally thankful for that when I have a bad day.
 
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