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May Recovery Thread

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yeah, i couldn't get clean in NA, i needed to go to rehab. but, someone in NA convinced me i needed to go to rehab, which i was really resistant to. i never thought i was bad enough even though looking back, i was using a LOT in comparison to the other people i knew, but in my head i hadn't lost a limb or my home so i was fine. it didn't matter that crack psychosis had basically become normal to me, i'd lost my job, and the kids on my street called me a crackhead or a smackhead every time i walked by.

i use it to help me to stay clean now, and it does help.

i'm also kinda glad that i started going to NA when i still had a heavy habit cos i was so out of it all the time i didn't get the social anxiety. it also meant when i did get clean, i already knew a lot of people there and the ice had been broken, so to speak.
 
chinup said:
yeah, i couldn't get clean in NA, i needed to go to rehab. but, someone in NA convinced me i needed to go to rehab, which i was really resistant to. i never thought i was bad enough even though looking back, i was using a LOT in comparison to the other people i knew, but in my head i hadn't lost a limb or my home so i was fine. it didn't matter that crack psychosis had basically become normal to me, i'd lost my job, and the kids on my street called me a crackhead or a smackhead every time i walked by.

i use it to help me to stay clean now, and it does help.

i'm also kinda glad that i started going to NA when i still had a heavy habit cos i was so out of it all the time i didn't get the social anxiety. it also meant when i did get clean, i already knew a lot of people there and the ice had been broken, so to speak.
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chinup,

Thank you for sharing your personal story and even going into details about the condition of your past addiction. I will still attend the NA meeting tomorrow. I understand that every group of people are different and have a different dynamic about how one specifically gels with them in particular. Was reading their website and the message of the organization I do really agree with. But completely sober? Not even a beer? wow, I only see this Oxy habit but I don't get any pleasure from drinking or neither do I seek it out. In order to get along in work situation, I can't be the only one who doesn't have a brewsky and get ousted as the black sheep at work; but I'm leaving that job/industry soon anyway so perhaps I can live a completely dry life if I completely ascribe to the NA philosophy; one day at a time I guess.
 
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Captain.Heroin said:
A lot of people aren't in the socially participating mind set when they're in recovery. A lot of human beings retract into a shell and don't want to be disturbed. I've seen it in a wide variety of people, some here some gone. I know I get socially avoidant in withdrawal.

I've always suspected NA groups are more for people who already have a long clean time but want to keep it going (most people who get there feel "done" with the withdrawal and just go on with their lives, etc.), but I don't know.

If you want to talk about what's going on Opi you can always PM me.
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CaptainH,

Thank you for shedding light on your opinion about NA groups being more "for people who already have a long clean time but want to keep it going." I still will or maybe will not go through full withdrawal. I plan on tappering which is a no-no according to their NA philosophy I believe. I ain't going to work a job on full on withdrawal mood swinging like a pendulum that's for damn sure.
 
Tapering is medically advised. There’s better outcomes for people who taper.

Just keep that in mind.
 
Oddly enough the intensity of the withdrawal, as bad as it gets for me, isn't what causes me to relapse. It's the sheer boredom if I don't taper. With tapering my mind stands a chance at absorbing real world reality better when I come back down.

I couldn't even taper below 0.1mg buprenorphine the last time I got off. I would hate to try it again.
 
unless things are dramatically different in the US, tapering isn't a no no, not in the slightest. 'the one requirement for membership is a desire to stop using' and tbh they're pretty lax about that too, i had no intention of stopping for my first 6 months, just wanted the consequences to end, nodded out in meetings or smoked crack in the toilets and no one ever pulled me up on it.

so as long as your eventual goal is abstinence, you're fine. some idiots there probably will tell you to go against medical advice but just ignore them.

they will also know what support services are in your area, to help you get clean, and provide you support while you're tapering, etc. real life support from people who understand early on in the process is invaluable.
 
Went to my first NA meeting today. Surprised it wasn't a more culty experience actually. The original plan was to peek in on the NA meeting then meet my dealer couple hours later to get my self-justifiying "tapering supply of my DOC." Texted my dealer that I wasn't going to make it, something came up. Took 1/4 of my regular dose, no energy today, WD symptoms physical but mostly psychological longing for it occuring. Took some T3s yes I did. Lying in bed right now stirring in my mind. Just watched the movie again 'My Name is Bill W.' I can't believe some of these people attend meetings every single day. The program does make sense though in a way.
 
Opi , I do a meeting or even sometimes TWO a day NA & AA!! They help me stay sober & clean. I get so much out of them from other people experience with Hoe to live clean and be Happy. I have found a lot of issues played in to my addictions that need to be worked on. I have been going to meetings and theory since 1983!! Wow that is a long time I now, But boy has it been one Hell of a Great ride
 
Iceman1216 said:
Opi , I do a meeting or even sometimes TWO a day NA & AA!! They help me stay sober & clean. I get so much out of them from other people experience with Hoe to live clean and be Happy. I have found a lot of issues played in to my addictions that need to be worked on. I have been going to meetings and theory since 1983!! Wow that is a long time I now, But boy has it been one Hell of a Great ride
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One or two meetings a day for you; wow, that's dedication of time and effort. I don't know when I'll be more participatory in the meetings with repetition of the NA Mantra but I just stay quite pretty much unless spoken to directly and asked a question. The WD symptoms will be coming soon for me. I'm probably going to have no energy later this week when I'm sheduled to work and it'll be noticiable.
 
Yeah working with no energy sucks man. Make yourself some coffee, get good sleep, it helps.

I'm pretty exhausted. I would try to jostle myself awake now but I want to wait a few more hours.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
mental health in toilet, agoraphobic as fuck. hard to face real world anymore. i used to be somebody.
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Captain Heroin I feel you. I live with my sponsor, have two different therapists, a ptsd service dog I can’t leave the house without and sometimes I just want to never leave my safe place (a tiny but adorable and safe, closet I made into a room at my Sponsors) Days like today I can barely manage.... I use to be a practicing speech therapist with a masters degree, owned a home, paid my own shit... now my parents pay my bills while I apply and wait for disability. Included for your entertainment a photo of my tiny safe space and the dog that holds my life together. I’m here if you ever want to talk!
 
I can relate. I never had my own practice. Or a house. Or a masters degree. But PTSD sucks.

I feel like I lost everything alive that ever meant a damn to me in a 3 month window. I get lonely and so on.
 
Opi_Kid_Rock said:
One or two meetings a day for you; wow, that's dedication of time and effort. I don't know when I'll be more participatory in the meetings with repetition of the NA Mantra but I just stay quite pretty much unless spoken to directly and asked a question. The WD symptoms will be coming soon for me. I'm probably going to have no energy later this week when I'm sheduled to work and it'll be noticiable.
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No Dedication really, I always feel much better after a meeting, I always try to share if I get my hand picked when I have it up, or the round robin hits me. I am an addict and I get a great deal of help from other addict working a program towards there recover, and helping other struggling addict who are clueless and suffering from this Horrible disease.
Addiction is Fatal, Progressive, no know Cure, and the only Treatment is to Not take a drug one Day at a Time !!
All is Well
 
Iceman1216 said:
No Dedication really, I always feel much better after a meeting, I always try to share if I get my hand picked when I have it up, or the round robin hits me. I am an addict and I get a great deal of help from other addict working a program towards there recover, and helping other struggling addict who are clueless and suffering from this Horrible disease.
Addiction is Fatal, Progressive, no know Cure, and the only Treatment is to Not take a drug one Day at a Time !!
All is Well
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Hey everyone.

I'm new to bluelight. I'm still learning in recovery. I'm trying on a daily basis to keep my mind open which is totally against my selfish and self seeking nature.

Currently, I'm addicted to codeine and probably diazepam. However the latter was only recently pointed out to me. I dunno why but I always figured vallies were just like candy and could do me no harm.

Anyway, as far as the codeine goes, I know WD is nothing compared to other opiates. I've done it 4-5 times, and I reckon it just gets worse although that could be psychological. At the moment I'm tapering, haven't been to the doc. Just gradually reducing then going to CT when the dosage is low.

As for the benzos. I've been taking 10 or 20mg almost daily for at least a month and before then as often as I could get my hands on them. Easier to score crack!

I'm also alcoholic. I've been off the drink 6 years. I was going to say sober. But I'd be lying. Codeine and valium replaced booze. However, I go to AA meetings regularly especially when I'm clean, which I have been several times over the last 6 years.

Before going to.AA I thought it would be all cult like and churchy. But it aint. It's a bunch of people trying to be honest about themselves and sharing the mad shit they think and do. I've got friends who go to NA who tell me the principles and steps are similar. AA and NA is just like life, you get good cunts and bad cunts. At the beginning I clung onto a couple of good cunts. Got their numbers and communicated with them almost daily. When bad cunts shared I tried to find similarities, I really really really tried not thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP CUNT.

AA works, NA works. If you're honest with yourself. This place, bluelight, works, it's the same deal. It's communication with other people like ME. I used to think I was alone. I was special. I was different. Blah blah bullshit. I'm nothing.

Now I'm sharing here, I'm being honest, I'm an alcoholic and an addict and I want to feel better. This can only happen if I truly WANT IT FOR MYSELF.

Also, every meeting I go to is different. If you don't like one, try another. Find someone who attracts you, NOT SEXUALLY LOL, someone who's got something you want, peace of mind, serenity, calmness. Ask them questions, ask for help. Practice humility. You alone ain't gonna fix everything. You need a guiding hand, like the mods in here. They've all got a powerful message.

Sorry for intruding on your thread. I just wanna reach out to get the help I need. But in doing so I might also help someone else. Program in action lol.

Peace. All the cliches are true you know. One day at a time. It works if you work it. This too shall pass.

Take care.

Sid. U.K.
 
Sidban said:
Hey everyone.

I'm new to bluelight. I'm still learning in recovery. I'm trying on a daily basis to keep my mind open which is totally against my selfish and self seeking nature.

Currently, I'm addicted to codeine and probably diazepam. However the latter was only recently pointed out to me. I dunno why but I always figured vallies were just like candy and could do me no harm.

Anyway, as far as the codeine goes, I know WD is nothing compared to other opiates. I've done it 4-5 times, and I reckon it just gets worse although that could be psychological. At the moment I'm tapering, haven't been to the doc. Just gradually reducing then going to CT when the dosage is low.

As for the benzos. I've been taking 10 or 20mg almost daily for at least a month and before then as often as I could get my hands on them. Easier to score crack!

I'm also alcoholic. I've been off the drink 6 years. I was going to say sober. But I'd be lying. Codeine and valium replaced booze. However, I go to AA meetings regularly especially when I'm clean, which I have been several times over the last 6 years.

Before going to.AA I thought it would be all cult like and churchy. But it aint. It's a bunch of people trying to be honest about themselves and sharing the mad shit they think and do. I've got friends who go to NA who tell me the principles and steps are similar. AA and NA is just like life, you get good cunts and bad cunts. At the beginning I clung onto a couple of good cunts. Got their numbers and communicated with them almost daily. When bad cunts shared I tried to find similarities, I really really really tried not thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP CUNT.

AA works, NA works. If you're honest with yourself. This place, bluelight, works, it's the same deal. It's communication with other people like ME. I used to think I was alone. I was special. I was different. Blah blah bullshit. I'm nothing.

Now I'm sharing here, I'm being honest, I'm an alcoholic and an addict and I want to feel better. This can only happen if I truly WANT IT FOR MYSELF.

Also, every meeting I go to is different. If you don't like one, try another. Find someone who attracts you, NOT SEXUALLY LOL, someone who's got something you want, peace of mind, serenity, calmness. Ask them questions, ask for help. Practice humility. You alone ain't gonna fix everything. You need a guiding hand, like the mods in here. They've all got a powerful message.

Sorry for intruding on your thread. I just wanna reach out to get the help I need. But in doing so I might also help someone else. Program in action lol.

Peace. All the cliches are true you know. One day at a time. It works if you work it. This too shall pass.

Take care.

Sid. U.K.
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Thank you Sid. I was thinking at the first NA meeting that "hey these people arn't that bad except for the vibe I'm getting from one individual." Thanks for clearing that up. No group or group dynamic anywhere is perfect. I need to properly detox first. Anxious today.
 
Opi_Kid_Rock said:
Thank you Sid. I was thinking at the first NA meeting that "hey these people arn't that bad except for the vibe I'm getting from one individual." Thanks for clearing that up. No group or group dynamic anywhere is perfect. I need to properly detox first. Anxious today.
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Hey man. Maybe that dude was thinking the same thing you were lol.

You won't be anxious forever, it'll pass. Have a good one
 
Sidban said:
Sid. U.K.
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big up the UK!

WD does seem to get worse over time, for the same amount of usage. its your opioid receptors getting used to artificial stimulation. if you're not already addicted to the benzos then stop ASAP, otherwise you're in a world of pain. since you've not been using them long or daily (though valium has a long half life), you might not be physically addicted. so i'd first up avoid at all costs getting physically addicted to benzos cos its hell to get off them. so i'd concentrate on that first, get yourself stable, like for a few weeks at least, then continue tapering your codeine as coming off everything at once might be too much. benzos also cane your liver.

i dunno, i came off heroin, crack and all the other shit i was taking at the same time but i had to cos i was in rehab.


Opi_Kid_Rock said:
I was thinking at the first NA meeting that "hey these people arn't that bad except for the vibe I'm getting from one individual." Thanks for clearing that up. No group or group dynamic anywhere is perfect. I need to properly detox first. Anxious today.
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well done for getting to the meeting!! i hope you go back. having real life support from people who understand while you're tapering will be really helpful.

at the start, it is quite useful to hammer meetings. when i got out of rehab i did more than 90 in 90, probably more than 100 in 90, cos i'd literally never been an adult and done anything without drugs before, cos i'd been using something or other daily since i was 16. so time on my hands would have been dangerous. i didn't know how to do anything so i used blue light and meetings to try and work through all the stress that brought. even if everything doesn't have quite the same newness for you, it will be weird, and while you're finding your feet in recovery spending time in a supportive atmosphere is really helpful.
 
Sidban said:
You won't be anxious forever
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It specifically helps to not have anxiety/panic disorders or PTSD and yes you'll recover. Some of us just go back to our baseline which was pretty terrible to begin with.

I've been struggling with anxiety and panic feelings today. Depressed, lack energy. Didn't want to get going today. I don't want to take benzos today, doesn't feel necessary. I can't help it but I still want to crawl into bed and sleep the whole day away.

I would make some coffee to stay up and not go to sleep at like 7pm like I have for the last week in a row, or what seems like it. I've been intentionally avoiding others for the most part. I literally just cannot get my head out of the dirt here. It seems like I've grown such a strong aversion to living.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It specifically helps to not have anxiety/panic disorders or PTSD and yes you'll recover. Some of us just go back to our baseline which was pretty terrible to begin with.

I've been struggling with anxiety and panic feelings today. Depressed, lack energy. Didn't want to get going today. I don't want to take benzos today, doesn't feel necessary. I can't help it but I still want to crawl into bed and sleep the whole day away.

I would make some coffee to stay up and not go to sleep at like 7pm like I have for the last week in a row, or what seems like it. I've been intentionally avoiding others for the most part. I literally just cannot get my head out of the dirt here. It seems like I've grown such a strong aversion to living.
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I know the feeling man. It might help to get outside though. Tomorrow's a new day.
 
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