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May Recovery Thread

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OpiateKiller,

You got balls. I’m too afraid of death by physical pain and that I commend you for; greater inner strength than me. I have wussied out by mixing a cocktail before without success obviously. At the moment my head is screwed back on for now. Forgiving with reduced emotional pain as I travel into the future I believe. May we all hang on until the time comes for us to be called away “to that undiscovered Country from which no Traveller returns.”
 
oww please don't do that, there's like a hundred better ways than a sledgehammer to the head please, seriously

I'm hanging in there. I bought myself some ice cream. So I'll be happy today. I had a good day all things considered.
 
I fell into temptation. Meeting my connect to get 100 T3s and 10 oxy IR V10. Thought I could hold off from not giving in while coincidentally spending what I just earned from my last few days of work. Bad cycle financially.
 
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8 months sober today. Went to court. No jail time, no house arrest. The hard work in recovery paid off...big time. 2 years probation, my probation officer said if im good after a year they will terminate it.
 
8 months sober today. Went to court. No jail time, no house arrest. The hard work in recovery paid off...big time. 2 years probation, my probation officer said if im good after a year they will terminate it.
DUDE that's so good for you. I'm so happy for you. You and I are smiling big today, for different reasons but nonetheless. Just live this year of your life on your best behavior and everything's good?

That's amazing. You got this!
 
8 months sober today. Went to court. No jail time, no house arrest. The hard work in recovery paid off...big time. 2 years probation, my probation officer said if im good after a year they will terminate it.
That is the Best News Dude!!!!!!!!!!!
God doing for us what we Can not do for our selves!!!!!!
So good
just think of the Fuck ups that would have happened if you where not Clean, and had to stand in front of that Judge with more shit on your rap sheet(n)(n)(n):cry::cry:
All is well
 
I know throwing a guilt trip on people doesn't work. Is your plan to get clean again after you run out of this batch?
It’s a psychological security blanket I truly believe . I thought I had half a pill left and I wouldn’t have gotten more but when I checked that it wasn’t there, I kind of felt uneasy. The habit is unsustainable financially so yes I have a real desire to stop. I withdrew almost cold turkey 6 days and 6 nights over a month ago. Didn’t really crave it that much after detoxing a bit in my own room. But my worry is if I have something that I NEED to accomplish, and if I know I don’t have access to it, I feel uneasy or worried that I might be too groggy from sleep in the morning and can’t do what NEEDS to be done if it’s a critical day.


I wondered why I felt like shit STILL after the 6th day cold-turkey then I realized that it was a psychological addiction because when I went for a walk outside and just held 3 benzos in my hands/pocket, I felt better again. No cravings. That’s when I knew that it was psychological after the 5th day. Yes I want to stop. I should stick to a taper schedule but I don’t have any physical withdrawal symptoms since I went through that cold-turkey. I choose to do less strenuous jobs for money because the high stress jobs I know will make me use on a regular or chug beer.
 
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One time I was really trying to quit, before I actually did, and I had seven months clean for that stint. In the beginning I was on day 2 or 3 and I found two pre-loaded rigs of buprenorphine and I was so angry. I just wanted them *at the end of my taper* but I thought I had "run out". Both back to back didn't even alleviate the withdrawal IT WAS THE FUCKING WORST.

Just a little doesn't work. That's how I knew it was an addiction like I've seen others go through they "need" certain amounts, all or nothing that are desperately set to "all".
 
One time I was really trying to quit, before I actually did, and I had seven months clean for that stint. In the beginning I was on day 2 or 3 and I found two pre-loaded rigs of buprenorphine and I was so angry. I just wanted them *at the end of my taper* but I thought I had "run out". Both back to back didn't even alleviate the withdrawal IT WAS THE FUCKING WORST.

Just a little doesn't work. That's how I knew it was an addiction like I've seen others go through they "need" certain amounts, all or nothing that are desperately set to "all".
My tolerance I’ve found drops relatively quickly or it could be just normally after the two week no-use mark because I find Oxy IR quite strong when I use 1/3rd of what my tolerance before nodding would be. I never liked the nodd anyways, liked being just below my tolerance and feeling energized with the capacity to work 8 hours after having just worked 8 hours already that day and repeating again the next morning at 6am to head to work.
 
When I used heroin I preferred the energy too. Most of my friends would nod. I didn’t like doing that much.
 
Captain Heroin,

I am truly sorry for your loss. You are an amazing support to so many on BL, and your posts are always right on point. Just know there are many of us that are silently rooting for you to make it through your time of mourning as well as you possibly can. Wishing you nothing but the best.
M2L
 
Thank you Much2lose.

I woke up feeling well again. I think being unmedicated for PTSD was a very bad idea and was leading me to be suicidal.

When my friend past I became extremely sad and depressed but I love his family. I talked with some of them, the most central in his life, two days after he passed and I cannot describe how terrible it is to see a family you are so connected to lose someone they love like this. I'm sure some of us here have either been in that spot or seen it ourselves. It's very hard. I cried a lot. It's probably the most grief I've ever felt in life to date. I can't imagine going through any more of it.

I'm starting to get through to the better parts of each day and such. I'm starting to see beauty in life even if I saw a lot of terrible things along the way.
 
Are you now medicated for your PTSD? That is a horrible thing to tackle on our own.
I have also lost a few a long the way and you are so accurate when you say how terrible it is to see the anguish the family goes through and continues to go through. I lost a 2yr old relative to brain cancer a decade ago....

I am really pleased you are getting to the better parts of your day. The fact that you realize beauty amongst the terrible things is very encouraging. I hope every day gets better and better for you CH. Your friend may be gone, not never forgotten. I am sure he would want to see you taking pleasure in life once again.
 
"Kind of" I don't take antidepressants anymore. They are trash and do not work. S-ketamine does not work. MDMA does not work. I know what works biochemically for me personally for PTSD. It is illegal. No trials. The doctors need to listen to people like me. Some people DO NOT RESPOND to these lines of treatment. It makes me very upset. We need new trials and new drugs. More research.

It's just very upsetting. I feel guilty. I feel terrible. I stopped crying about it a few days ago. I think my body is starting to move on. My mind is too.

I am proud of myself, I've already accomplished and experienced so much in life. I don't even feel the need to go on, but I still do.
 
I agree. If doctors actually listened to their patients, the world would be a heck of a lot better place. I’m in Canada where it only took the government eons to understand weed should not be illegal. Still so much red tape and restrictions around it. Not a fan but would like it available to those who find it helps.
You know what works for you, do it. I don’t agree with the whole illegal bullshit. If you don’t mind sharing, what does work for you? I have a 15 year old with mass depression/anxiety. No, I am not looking to give her drugs but it has really opened my eyes to others that suffer and I am always interested in their coping mechanisms.
Sheer volume of folks with PTSD should make the powers that be open up to more research and options to help, assist, or even cure people like yourself. It always feels like we are reactive rather than proactive.
I am so glad you are moving on and also recognizing your own accomplishments. The fact that you already feel you have led a full life can only open to doors to bigger and better opportunities, as well as equipping you to support or offer advice to others. That’s awesome!
 
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Well everyone is different and obviously, you want to try therapy, traditional medicine, etc. first. I have PTSD, depression, panic/anxiety, social aversion tendencies. Methamphetamine, 2c-_ and stuff like tryptamines tend to work best for my type of mental disorder. One dose and I am much happier afterward. The issue is that methamphetamine, 2c-_ type drugs are habit-forming for "some people", probably myself included. I don't get hooked on them but I will use them 2-3x a week; I used to use meth much heavier. I never felt depleted or damaged from using these substances (unlike people who feel "permanently down" after MDMA use, etc.) and I never had psychosis from meth use despite once staying awake for seven consecutive days. Six days one other time, five days twice, and 3-4 days countless times.

Most (read: 99 percent of) other people who use methamphetamine end up SERIOUSLY addicted, or in temporary OR permanent psychosis. Normally it doesn't go away. Also once psychotic on meth = always psychotic on meth, is what I've observed. Very thankful it's always been a nice high for me.

2c-_ substances are "too new" and I would not seriously recommend them. They are also intensely psychedelic visually and I imagine people may have different reactions to it than I have. I can imagine substances like 2c-_ and methamphetamine would probably cause anxiety, stomach pain, dehydration, agitation potentially in some people; these really aren't recommended for average people really.

Tryptamines I think are more worthy of exploration, i.e. psilocin containing mushrooms = this is, in my opinion, a safer, natural alternative to pharmaceutical treatment for depression. Some people will not respond positively to tryptamine psychedelics, but many will, and it normally helps people become a bit more well-adjusted afterward, and I've witnessed many people use mushrooms or other tryptamines.

The phenethylamines (MA, 2c-_) tend to be a bit more challenging/stimulating and what not.

I use cannabis every day. I don't use most of those other drugs anymore; I specifically haven't done tryptamines in many years and 2c-_ in equally as many. I rarely come across or use methamphetamine now and I'm quite thankful to just wake up feeling halfway decent, and go to sleep and wake up feeling decent again. It's a big change from where I have been for many years now.

[the above are passive recommendations for individuals choosing to self-medicate... and obviously, it's probably way better to go to the doctor; just get to a doctor people!]

I agree. If doctors actually listened to their patients, the world would be a heck of a lot better place. I’m in Canada where it only took the government eons to understand weed should not be illegal. Still so much red tape and restrictions around it. Not a fan but would like it available to those who find it helps.
You know what works for you, do it. I don’t agree with the whole illegal bullshit. If you don’t mind sharing, what does work for you? I have a 15 year old with mass depression/anxiety. No, I am not looking to give her drugs but it has really opened my eyes to others that suffer and I am always interested in their coping mechanisms.
Sheer volume of folks with PTSD should make the powers that be open up to more research and options to help, assist, or even cure people like yourself. It always feels like we are reactive rather than proactive.
I am so glad you are moving on and also recognizing your own accomplishments. The fact that you already feel you have led a full life can only open to doors to bigger and better opportunities, as well as equipping you to support or offer advice to others. That’s awesome!

In regards to someone who is 15 years old, they will likely grow out of it. However, people have committed suicide from depression at this age, before, after, and it's very sad and I don't want to tell you to just sit around and pretend as if it'll go away. Issues like this often don't go away for a lot of us. I've struggled with depression, anxiety at that age and I'm much older now and still do.

I'm assuming you have tried or are doing therapy for them? Have they tried medication?

The #1 thing that would have made me happier and did make me exceedingly happy in those years is when my parents would take me out to do physical activities, see nature i.e. local, state parks, hiking or camping, etc. Asking them what their activities are. Show them you care, let them know everyone hurts at times. Engagement with non-technological stuff will help a lot. The real world can be overwhelming and scary, but nature and being alone in it can help a lot, but I know not everyone is into that.
 
Wow. Sounds like you have had quite the experience and understand what works for you. I am happy to hear you can wake up and go to bed in a half decent mood without anything more than cannabis. You should be extremely proud of what you have been through and how far you have come. Heck, I am proud of you and don’t really know you! Congratulations!!

You hit the nail on the head with my daughter. She is happiest when we are out together. Whether it’s walking the trails near our house, to last fall when I took her on a girls trip to Cuba. Sometimes it’s tough to get her out, get her to shower, make an effort. Some days I let her be. School has been impacted but we can always make that up. She did alienate everyone but me and became quite bitter with any time I spent at work or with others. We have balanced that out to some degree. I am happy to say we are in a better spot now than we have been for months. She is on Sertraline. Just increased the dose a few weeks ago due to self harming and nasty thoughts coming back into the picture. She is in therapy and we are on the 10 month wait list for a child specialist. Even with money, I can’t get the specialized help we think she needs until this specialist has an opening. I won’t go into it in too much more detail, but we take it day by day. She has a great support system and is reminded many times daily how much she is loved. My one and only child so the sun rises and falls with her. Lol.
 
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