^ No therapist should make you feel humiliated. I get the, 'being clinically examined" problem. Psychotherapist's don't clinically examine; they are far more humanistic in approach.
I also, prefer being alone or in select company.
Grief takes time obviously, different for everyone but martyrdom is not grief - its guilt and most are too ashamed to express it - you are very explicit about it on here but don't talk about your feelings, this will keep you stuck in these behaviors.
Maybe you're raging at losing your partner/friend/SO (forgive me, am not sure)?
I lost a best friend a year ago, one of the loves in my life ( another friend died, suddenly the week before last) it was awful, but I have become quite numbed to the grief of late - perhaps its because I've lost a lot. I've become more comfortable with the cyclical nature of things (albeit it is still horrendous and if I was posting on another day I could be ravaged with grief)...but that's how it goes - it sneaks up on you.
I'm sorry that you lost your best friend, CH. ❤
However, no one defines us, we must carry on. Why? Because we are not them and they would mock the shit out of us if they knew we were being pussies! I know that's what my mate would say, she was a cunt at times, but a lovely one.
There is no cure for bereavement but wearing it like a flag, is more to do with you, than your loved one. Wiith respect, maybe this is a time for you to help yourself rather than focus on a reason to feel sad; maybe you felt at a loss all along and it is now that you realize how empty you are/have been?
Just a concept.
~There is always a time to get out of the shit.
