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have had it with friend with benefits

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@Audiobook, you've been honest throughout and I would like to ask you a question ...

There three guys. One of them is fuck-worthy. The other is also fuck-worthy. The third is not fuck-worthy.

You want to fuck the first guy and the second guy but the second guy is marraige-worthy but the first guy is not.

The third guy is in the background looking at you but your focus is not on him.

I am not going to ask what you would do. I want to know what if these categories were made up by you. What would decide which category who falls under?

What could the first guy offer that the second might not? But what about the second would make you pass over the first? Consequently, what happens to you if any one (incl. the third) could convince you that doing it is a good idea?
 
He is clearly using you for blow jobs and won’t even have sex with you and give you any pleasure , ugh so he is not a friend and he’s not giving any benefits. Don’t answer his texts or calls anymore since you don’t get anything out of it. There are plenty of ways to meet guys nowadays even at your age and looks category .
 
sdxyln said:
@Audiobook, you've been honest throughout and I would like to ask you a question ...

There three guys. One of them is fuck-worthy. The other is also fuck-worthy. The third is not fuck-worthy.

You want to fuck the first guy and the second guy but the second guy is marraige-worthy but the first guy is not.

The third guy is in the background looking at you but your focus is not on him.

I am not going to ask what you would do. I want to know what if these categories were made up by you. What would decide which category who falls under?

What could the first guy offer that the second might not? What does the second offer over the third? Consequently, what if any one of three could convince you to go bed?
Click to expand...
Good god... 😂😂😂😂😂
 
MrsGamp said:
well, thanks for that ... to some extent it compensates for the theme of "women over 45 are sexually finished."
Click to expand...
Actually in my experience women mostly seem to be on opposite trajectories than men as far as libido and peaking sexually. If blow jobs are all he'll put up with, it sounds like he's the one with the problem lol.
 
Audiobook said:
Look, my basic point is if a guy is a jobless idiot with something like an extreme drug addiction or legal issues, then he’s probably honestly not worth dating.

That’s the basic point, some men are not shit and are just a drain of energy.
Click to expand...

Ok ...

Well, my question still stands and I say is left unanswered. Perhaps you will reply after doing some thinking? Please feel free to take your time, because reading your perspective would be interesting for me.
 
MrsGamp said:
Btw re "over sharing" - yeah I am guilty! I hope no-one finds it offensive. It's just that I have literally no-one to talk to about this sort of thing, and confiding in people on BL is relatively anonymous and something of a safety valve ... because I tend to be rather easily bullied, I often "over-extend" myself ... but then a point comes where I'll have a catastrophic and self-destructive attack of rage...
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In all your over-sharing, you didn't answer my question. What's in it for you?

Please understand I'm not criticizing you. I just know that people don't usually do things for no reason. You must be getting, or have gotten, or expect to get, something from carrying on with this guy for 28 or so years. According to you, at least recently, it isn't sex, and it isn't romance.

Because, honestly, if I thought it meant anything to tell you that this guy is a worthless asshole, I would be shouting that as loudly as anyone else. The problem is I'm pretty sure you've already come to that conclusion before, multiple times. What good can I do by telling you what you already know?

For example, you said this:
But certainly I have not been trying to "get a return on sex" in some callous way.
Click to expand...
...the problem is, you literally said that:
I said, " so what. If you are having sex with someone, you are obliged to feed them if they are starving,"
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...and in reality, your request was not inappropriate. It's just that the way you say it reveals a lot about what you believe, not only about sex, but about yourself.

You didn't say "shouldn't you help me because you care about me?" (do NOT use my phrasing, lol). You didn't say "isn't it normal to do something when your friends are hungry?". There are all kinds of reasons that you could argue that it is fair to request his help paying for dinner.

But you, in talking to him, didn't ask him to help you. Not as a friend. You asked him to help "someone" who he is "having sex with", removing yourself from the situation entirely. At no point did you even suggest that he should consider you, personally, as an individual to be valuable in anything but an abstract sense: "those are the sex rules".

The sex rules cannot love you. Only people can do that. I am really, really not telling you to not be selfish. Very much the opposite: I am telling you to be selfish. Full stop.

And here's the problem: because you chose, only, to ask for help because you were having sex with him, that suggests, to me, that you think that you are valuable because you are having sex. Does that make sense?

Does it provide a clue to why you keep returning to have sex with someone who you have apparently not liked very much during most of your 28-year-long "relationship"?

Because, honestly, we can speculate about the reasons for his behavior until the cows come home; he's not here and the cows will get just as far as we will. It's the reasons for your behavior I'm interested in.
 
Atelier3 said:
There’s your real problem. I’ve never met a vegan who deep down was not a selfish narcissistic cunt.

Draw a line under this asshole and block him from your life - not just your bed.
Click to expand...

Sad but true..

-GC
 
sdxyln said:
Ok ...

Well, my question still stands and I say is left unanswered. Perhaps you will reply after doing some thinking? Please feel free to take your time, because reading your perspective would be interesting for me.
Click to expand...

maybe she just can't be arsed?

I certainly wouldn't be
 
mp44god said:
He sensed that she was a Stage 5 Clinger and dipped. Sounds reasonable to me.
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people can and do cling for many and varied reasons , to many and varied things (people / situations / ideologies etc) - doesn't mean they are somehow worthy of your derogatoriness

no doubt you are 100% sorted on the emotional level :rolleyes:
 
actually people if anything these days HE is the clinger. I concede it used to be the other way around ... I was in love with him years ago (and years ago we had a lot of fun sex-wise, BOTH of us, if nothing else)
These days though his thing is making me feel sorry for him - he's lonely and needs human contact and can't even masturbate because he has a young child (?!? - never stopped me. Wait until they're soundly asleep and lock your door. Or there's always opportunities afforded by school.
 
MrsGamp said:
actually people if anything these days HE is the clinger. I concede it used to be the other way around ... I was in love with him years ago (and years ago we had a lot of fun sex-wise, BOTH of us, if nothing else)
These days though his thing is making me feel sorry for him - he's lonely and needs human contact and can't even masturbate because he has a young child (?!? - never stopped me. Wait until they're soundly asleep and lock your door. Or there's always opportunities afforded by school.
Click to expand...
ps that sounded wrong. I meant opportunities after you've dropped the kids off at school and gone home, of course!
 
MrsGamp said:
can't write much but had a really lousy day ... long story but my job opportunity might get screwed up because I didn't have the correct version of birth certificate to apply for my Working With Children Clearance.

So had to ring boss, who was less than impressed. I still get to work but have to get the clearance done on Tuesday - need $50 for birth certificate thing, plus $87 for the application itself. The $87 can be refunded by the government to whatever bank account I like. So I called friend with benefits, and asked him he could lend me $137, to be reimbursed by government.

No, he couldn't. Could he lend me $50? Palpable reluctance.

Then I recalled that during COVID lockdown I had no money or food and he wouldn't even drive past my house to drop off a can of baked beans.

I reminded him of this, and he said, "why should I help you - obviously you spent your money on alcohol and (his special bugbear) cigarettes."

I said, " so what. If you are having sex with someone, you are obliged to feed them if they are starving,"

He said, "it doesn't work like that."

I said, "Actually, it does work like that,"

And hung up.

Then ruined it all by sending him a stupid text message, not apologising, but pointing out how I give him attention, emotional support, oral sex on demand more or less. In return I get lectures and "life advice". I am meant to be grateful for this. I am meant to be grateful ... for WHAT?

He also says my place is a dump, that I am crazy, that he's got better things to do ...

WELL MAYBE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO MYSELF

I hate our sordid sexual encounters, which make me feel like an unpaid prostitute.

The catch is he has my old computer - he was going to do "data retrieval" for me. In a grandiose outburst, I said I'd PAY him for the data retrieval. But I expect to get that laptop back, data retrieved or not .

I've only kept up this poxy thing because I am lonely. But with him, I am lonely and trapped. Without him, I'll be lonely but free.

I want a real friend.

He always constructs me as a mad woman. My craziness makes everything impossible, etc. But the facts are: he gets looked after and I don't. Not in any way. If I am lucky I get a lift in his car very occasionally.

No point distressing myself ... I got shit to do. Right now this is mainly cleaning up this joint.

My brother says he plus Dad will help me with the working clearance. I shouldn't have even asked "frenemy without benefits" in the first place - dunno WHAT I was thinking.
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That's not a friend at all. You need to get rid of him and find someone that appreciates you. A true friend helps without asking for anything in return.
 
Audiobook said:
Look, my basic point is if a guy is a jobless idiot with something like an extreme drug addiction or legal issues, then he’s probably honestly not worth dating.

That’s the basic point, some men are not shit and are just a drain of energy.
Click to expand...
sdxyln said:
@Audiobook, you've been honest throughout and I would like to ask you a question ...

There three guys. One of them is fuck-worthy. The other is also fuck-worthy. The third is not fuck-worthy.

You want to fuck the first guy and the second guy but the second guy is marraige-worthy but the first guy is not.

The third guy is in the background looking at you but your focus is not on him.

I am not going to ask what you would do. I want to know what if these categories were made up by you. What would decide which category who falls under?

What could the first guy offer that the second might not? But what about the second would make you pass over the first? Consequently, what happens to you if any one (incl. the third) could convince you that doing it is a good idea?
Click to expand...
sdxyln said:
@Audiobook, you've been honest throughout and I would like to ask you a question ...

There three guys. One of them is fuck-worthy. The other is also fuck-worthy. The third is not fuck-worthy.

You want to fuck the first guy and the second guy but the second guy is marraige-worthy but the first guy is not.

The third guy is in the background looking at you but your focus is not on him.

I am not going to ask what you would do. I want to know what if these categories were made up by you. What would decide which category who falls under?

What could the first guy offer that the second might not? But what about the second would make you pass over the first? Consequently, what happens to you if any one (incl. the third) could convince you that doing it is a good idea?
Click to expand...
 
also re "sdlyxn" questions:
you have to define what you mean by "fuckworthy".

I can honestly say (although I'll be disbelieved) that how a guy LOOKS means very little to me. If he is intelligent ... that's the main thing. Excellent conversation and intellectual affinity are the most "fuckworthy" things, IMO.
I had the best time (and the best sex) with a funny-looking little man - only as tall as me - no big dick, no muscles, none of that - but he was hilarious charming and considerate and I loved him
Sadly he is dead.
 
dalpat077 said:
Obviously this isn't as important to you as is starting a thread, definitely over-sharing, and moving on from this crap. No offense @MrsGamp. But really.

On your other thread re: your new job I went out of my way to congratulate you and wish you the best and tell you that I was proud of you and good luck. I also said to fuck the drinking and whatever shit and save it for after work or weekends. And then I see all this shit. You're degrading yourself is all I'm telling you. Take it or leave it. Hate my guts for being so direct too if you like. For damn sure I've got nothing to lose. But you do. If you don't lose it.

And one more word of warning: just bear in mind that nowadays people check the Internet for shit on people (forums, social media, and the rest) (which I think is wrong to be honest but that's the world we live in). All I'm saying is be careful what you put out there. Once it's out it's out. And it can come back and bite you in the tail when you least expect and in ways that you may not even have imagined or may surprise you.

Believe it or not: I am trying to help and be a friend.

And this not directed at you @MrsGamp in any way, shape, or form. But the more time I have spent on these forums the more I've started to question my "soft take" on the subject of addiction (of any kind). There's more than a few here that crow from the treetops because they've been clean for a week or two or haven't had a drink for a week. And these are people with families and jobs and for all intents and purposes could have very good and productive lives. And then another week goes by and there's a "pity party" thread started and that's full of regrets and self loathing and excuses. I no longer know what to make of this.

Anyway. I don't know when it is you're supposed to be starting this new job but for your sake I hope it's very soon.

Edit:

And in just reading your posts: I understand that you've nobody else to talk to. I get it. I'm in exactly the same situation. I get it. I understand only too well. Point I'm making: your "over sharing" doesn't piss anybody off I'm sure (well not me anyway). But in your case and given that you're got something to look forward to: maybe just take it down a notch.

For record: I think the dude is a prick. And that's all there is to it. But I don't think there's one person on this thread that's told you otherwise.
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Aargh but are you on meth?
This seems suspiciously aggressive and OTT.
Yes, I got some work - only one week of work, as I made very plain.
Yes I am doing my job and (as yet) no fuck ups have occurred.
TBH this thread got mean on Sunday, which was the day before I had my first paid work in two years ... so I ignored the horrible comments I was getting at that point because I am hardly going to fuck up the ole emotional equilibrium when I've gotta get up at 5.45 am to get to my boss's far-flung address by 9am, on a public holiday, when busses happen about once every 3 hours.
Since then I've made whimsical posts here and there while waiting for busses and trains on the way to
my "job" - which is only relief teaching and nothing to shout about. As I have stated. Repeatedly. In previous posts.
Nonetheless it may lead to other things so I will reserve a closer reading of your post until the pressure is off (as of 5pm Friday).
I gotta do some marking now. plus I am half cut after
necessary visit to Dad, so have to drop that mirtzapine soon, in order to wake up pre-dawn and swallow about 10 Dex, so I can gimp my way to the train station ... and the bus station ... and then the second bus stop ... without keeling over in agony because my
fucking knee DOES NOT NEED THIS.
It'll be better on Thurs cos I'll have my dole and can get a cab to this dreadful place ...

(some minutes later)

couldn't help myself and you are right, at least at first glance. Yeah I've over shared. I'll not
make any bones about it - it's a form of vengeance among
other things. Not nice, I know.
Self pitying too.
But so what? I could write a novel about how this dick has exploited me, lied to me, and impinged on me for the last 20 plus years.
Actually I've TRIED to write a novel about it.
But he keeps on popping back up like a sinister Jack-in-the-Box, which so far has made calm reflection and distance impossible.

Fuck that old laptop he's got - he can keep it. From now on I am a ghost ...
And now I really must mark the essays....

xxxx
 
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