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Greetings from Switzerland

LetzteAusfahrt

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Switzerland
Hello everybody,

i'm Dani from Switzerland

First of all a big thank you for being accepted into this family. Too bad I haven't found you before. Unfortunately my English is too bad, so I can only communicate with you via Google Translate. But that doesn't work too badly.



Some information about me;
I am male, 52 years old and will kill myself in September 2020.

Unfortunately I have to wait a little longer because I want to keep a promise beforehand. Even though waiting is getting more and more difficult, I always stick to my vet.

I've been depressed for 37 years,
the past 25 years of which have been chronic.
Social phobia since childhood,
Socially isolated for 37 years,
was workaholic,
had 2 untreated burnout,
Complex PTSD
gay, coming out at the age of 30,
never had a relationship, never sex

Recently declined from normal status to welfare and emergency shelter.

In treatment for the first time
Medicines for the first time
(375mg venlafaxine).

Resigned and gave up, but now feel better than ever

I'm in treatment, therapist knows all my thoughts and plans.
 
Last edited:

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
11,032
Location
New England
@LetzteAusfahrt - Thank you so much for joining this community and being honest about your situation.

You're in treatment - that's great! I have been in treatment for years.. it is a process, my friend, but don't give up.

I would be suicidal if i didn't take my meds for two days.

Welcome to Bluelight! (judgement free zone)

How is the medication going so far? Can take up to a month to work if i recall correctly?
 

LetzteAusfahrt

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Switzerland
Hi madness00

Thank you for your kind words.
You're right, it took about a month for it to work properly.

Despite everything, I gave up and don't want to experience my future anymore.
At the end of September I will finally have my peace

With this knowledge, I'm finally fine and I'm looking forward to it like a little child ;)

Dani
 

PtahTek

Moderator: NMI
Staff member
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
3,842
Location
Onda Cona
I am male, 52 years old and will kill myself in September 2020.
Hi, brother.
53 here and male. There is much to say about the double edge of growing older. It kinda sucks for me as it brings more drama (from knowledge/experience gained) and less patience to deal with it.
Hope your decision for september is not written in stone and can be manipulated to extend the time-frame. Even if we cannot see evidence at times, there are those that need and love us: They will suffer the loss while we take the easy way out. Not trying to bash ya, mate. I am trying to communicate that maybe it can be thought out a bit more before following through?
I'm in treatment, therapist knows all my thoughts and plans.
This sounds promising. This part:
Resigned and gave up, but now feel better than ever
What is the resignation? And what is it that makes one feel better than ever?
Sorry if it seems like I am prying but genuinely curious.
Ptah
 

Atelier3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
1,611
Hey man, welcome to BL - you will finds lots of acceptance and understanding here. I’ve had some of the problems you describe and as Madness00 said therapy is an ongoing process, It takes time to heal you. Maybe you can push September back a bit while you explore BL and see how your therapy develops? What’s another couple of weeks or months. There is a lot to love in life my friend.
 

Psycho_Logic

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
103
Location
Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Hello @LetzteAusfahrt , and welcome! :)

I will not torture you too much with question. Only have one question.

You stated:

, 52 years old and will kill myself in September 2020.
never had a relationship, never sex
Since you seem quite sure that you will do the first part, have you made some wish list before that part comes? I don't know the dating scene in your town but even in my country which is very conservative (catholic) gay people seem to have more options for sex. Maybe not relationships but "recreational sex" is readily available for gay people. Why don't you give that a try and see what kind of world are you missing out?

And I wouldn't want to play doctor and interfere in your therapy, but as I have heard that Switzerland is very liberal towards various substances, could you get ketamine infusion treatment and see what it does for you. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, you're missing out some options that are available for you and would make a life worthwhile.

Haven't walk in your shoes and am not judging. Just 2 things that have crossed my mind. Welcome to Bluelight! :)
 

LetzteAusfahrt

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Switzerland
Hi, brother.
53 here and male. There is much to say about the double edge of growing older. It kinda sucks for me as it brings more drama (from knowledge/experience gained) and less patience to deal with it.
Hope your decision for september is not written in stone and can be manipulated to extend the time-frame. Even if we cannot see evidence at times, there are those that need and love us: They will suffer the loss while we take the easy way out. Not trying to bash ya, mate. I am trying to communicate that maybe it can be thought out a bit more before following through?

This sounds promising. This part:

What is the resignation? And what is it that makes one feel better than ever?
Sorry if it seems like I am prying but genuinely curious.
Ptah
Hi Path

no problem, you can be curious, that doesn't bother me.

unfortunately I have to disappoint you, my decision is set in granite.

I thought about it for 37 years and decided to do it 4 months ago.
When I have done everything, I leave this world.There will be no extension, guaranteed.

You see, I had enough time and thought it out well.

There is only 1 person I will cause pain. But she knows and accepts my decision.:cry:

I resigned before my life that I didn't live. For a long time I let myself be blinded by the hope that something could change. My cPTSD, social phobia and severe depression don't allow it.

Why do I feel better now than ever before?
Simply knowing that my torments will end at the end of September. I look forward to it like a little child

Dani
 

LetzteAusfahrt

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Switzerland
Hey man, welcome to BL - you will finds lots of acceptance and understanding here. I’ve had some of the problems you describe and as Madness00 said therapy is an ongoing process, It takes time to heal you. Maybe you can push September back a bit while you explore BL and see how your therapy develops? What’s another couple of weeks or months. There is a lot to love in life my friend.
Hi Atelier3

Thank you for your encouraging words.

True, therapy could heal me. But it cannot change the past. And that's exactly what I can't stand anymore. My memories would have to be deleted so that I could change my schedule.

Incidentally, I was just in a clinic and have been back home for 1 week.

The next phase with inpatient treatment would only be in February.

Oh yes, 37 years ago I realized that life is meaningless and worthless. ;)
I've been fighting long enough and I'm tired
 

PtahTek

Moderator: NMI
Staff member
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
3,842
Location
Onda Cona
Why do I feel better now than ever before?
Simply knowing that my torments will end....
Fair enough; I get it. I have chosen to let the world at large take me out.... We destroy everything about us so why should I buck and not be part of the "system? To each their own, I say and do not do not judge anyones predicament or decision(s). Unless of course it interferes with my decisions then there may be an issue or three. ;)
Looks like we may not have that much time left here as we know it, anyway.
Thanks for the answers. I kinda thought it may be something along those lines but didn't want to assume.
First of all a big thank you for being accepted into this family. Too bad I haven't found you before.
Glad to have ya. Wish I woulda found BL sooner myself... wouldn't have as deep a hole to crawl out of: Surely would have had better mental health as well as a better understanding of addiction(s).
Not gonna dwell on the subject of life/death as we all may be gone tomorrow and not much can be done about any of it, IMO.
Not sure where to go from here so will leave off and let nature do it's thing.
Welcome to bluelight. Looking forward to any share you may have to post that may help ease the mind/body of another here.
Peace,
Ptah
 

LetzteAusfahrt

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Switzerland
Hello @LetzteAusfahrt , and welcome! :)

I will not torture you too much with question. Only have one question.

You stated:




Since you seem quite sure that you will do the first part, have you made some wish list before that part comes? I don't know the dating scene in your town but even in my country which is very conservative (catholic) gay people seem to have more options for sex. Maybe not relationships but "recreational sex" is readily available for gay people. Why don't you give that a try and see what kind of world are you missing out?

And I wouldn't want to play doctor and interfere in your therapy, but as I have heard that Switzerland is very liberal towards various substances, could you get ketamine infusion treatment and see what it does for you. Who knows, maybe, just maybe, you're missing out some options that are available for you and would make a life worthwhile.

Haven't walk in your shoes and am not judging. Just 2 things that have crossed my mind. Welcome to Bluelight! :)
Hi Psycho_Logic

Don't worry, you can't torture me with questions. Go ahead, all questions are allowed.

You are absolutely right that gays mostly have many opportunities for sex "just for fun".
Unfortunately, my psychological problems prevent me from using it myself. In addition, I have been suffering from a strong version of "Induratio Penis Plastica" for a few years now. The erectile tissue can no longer expand properly.
As a result, my tail is not more than 18.5 cm by 4.5 cm.
There are currently about 8cm by 2.5cm.

That alone would be a reason for suicide.

I didn't create a wish list because it doesn't make sense to me. And I simply have no money to experience anything big.
I just wish that I couldn't try a few drugs until then that I hadn't touched for safety reasons.
Crack or chrystal meth for example

Apparently ketamine is really a possible therapy. However, the effect is only temporary. And above all, the past cannot be changed.

But as a drug, I can immediately enjoy it.
😂

Thanks for your suggestions, but I just don't want to get well. I just want to die, finally be dead.
 

Psycho_Logic

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
103
Location
Trying to find my self but unable so far.
You seem dedicated to fulfil your wish. I respect that. In the end it is something that life will fulfil for each and every one of us in one way or the other. I hope you have as much peace and joy until the end, whenever that end may come. Hope you find some hope and smiles here. As you can see there is no judging here. Once again welcome. I look forward to future interactions. :)
 

BILLY-BLUNT

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
58
@LetzteAusfahrt hey mate welcome to BL.
I am sure I will definitely have many questions for you. I respect your decision. I have worked in the past with patients suffering with dementia in all its forms and I know I ain't going out like that! I want to choose my own time so I don't end up living my life out as some kind of zombie.

Ok first question: do you have any afterlife beliefs?

Take care bruv
Peace and love
Billy
 
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