April Recovery Thread

[cj]

What's up everybody?

I'm doing alright, 9 days clean/sober from a relapse in which I was ready to say fuck drug court and go on the run but turned myself in and just had to do 6 days in the county. The problem is I have trouble staying motivated and I've already fucked up twice and haven't been on Drug Court for that long so they're pretty much convinced that I'm not serious and am going to fail.

Also now they are putting me on that SCRAM bracelet which detects ethanol use since that's what I relapsed on and is basically my DOC.(Not really but ends up being due to availability and other factors) Which is completely ridiculous because I get random 12 panels which have ETG on them.(ethyl glucuronide, ethanol metabolite that can be detected for up to 80 hours) But they have their bullshit reasons which are probably covering for other reasons mainly money and their relationship with the provider. And it cost me 8 dollars a day and I have to have it on for most likely 90 days. And even with all that I still wouldn't give a fuck except for the fact that I'm not going to be able to swim until it's off and that's one of my daughter and my favorite activities once the summer hits. So I don't even care for myself, but now I'm going to have to tell her that I can't go in the water because I have this stupid bracelet on. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!! I feel like such a fucking idiot.

But I am trying to stay focused on what I am trying to accomplished which is stay clean and sober and live a better life and also to avoid prison and get these felonies to stay off my record which finishing Drug Court will accomplish but I just want to be like fuck it so bad sometimes because it's so much shit to do and it's lack of freedom and it seems like no matter what I do good I get no credit but as soon as I fuck up they're all over me. If I didn't have a kid and a father sick with cancer and other family members who need me it would be alot easier to say fuck it and just do the time. Plus, trying to get a job with a bunch of class 2 felonies on my record wouldn't be very much fun. Sorry for rambling had to vent.

Drug court is such a fucking scam. It's all about milking the most money out of you as possible. Sorry your in that position.

 

[totach]

We all have ups and downs Captian . Your in inspiration cuz even thru all these years of you typing saying your suicidal etc.. you stay sober (shatter to me is sober) at least your smart enough to realize that the only thing that can make you feel worse is using.

Drug court is a scam but it did scare me enough to stay sober 9 months out of my 1 year mandation I was inpatient tho . Second they let me out I relapsed and was cheating my weakly drug tests. Just try to soldier thru it ,its not like jail will be any kinder to you and you wont be able to drink there regardless . Im sure your daughter rather you home and not being able to swim with her then in jail. I truly wish you the best.

 

[mtop2036]

I too had a great day. Sun was out, saw some friends. And had a great guitar day, which I always look fowar d too.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thank you totach. I try to remain resolved to keep living and stay sober. The latter is easier than the former.

 

[RDP89]

Drug court is such a fucking scam. It's all about milking the most money out of you as possible. Sorry your in that position.

Oh, I know, it totally is. I really don't know if I'm going to make it or even if it's worth it to try. They already have me pegged as someone who is "resistant" or "not engaged" or however else they want to put it. I really want to get these felonies off my record which is a huge deal, but I keep considering just saying fuck it and doing the prison time(which really wouldn't be that long with the time I already have in and the time I'll get knocked off, but still will suck obviously) and be done with it besides parole which from everything I've heard is a piece of cake in my state.

The stupid thing if I end up going that route is I could've tried to get Boot Camp in the first place and almost surely gotten it which is 4 months long and I would've been done in January. I also could've tried to get TASC again which is easier but I couldn't afford a lawyer and it seemed like this was the best I was going to get with the bullshit Public pretender. This shit is sooooo frustrating and it seems that with these people they don't ever wanna believe I'm making progress even when I am and as soon as I fuck up it negates anything positive I've done/ just reinforces what they already believe. Thanks for your concern. If I end up not posting for months on end it's because I'm locked up lol.

 

[cj]

Oh, I know, it totally is. I really don't know if I'm going to make it or even if it's worth it to try. They already have me pegged as someone who is "resistant" or "not engaged" or however else they want to put it. I really want to get these felonies off my record which is a huge deal, but I keep considering just saying fuck it and doing the prison time(which really wouldn't be that long with the time I already have in and the time I'll get knocked off, but still will suck obviously) and be done with it besides parole which from everything I've heard is a piece of cake in my state.

The stupid thing if I end up going that route is I could've tried to get Boot Camp in the first place and almost surely gotten it which is 4 months long and I would've been done in January. I also could've tried to get TASC again which is easier but I couldn't afford a lawyer and it seemed like this was the best I was going to get with the bullshit Public pretender. This shit is sooooo frustrating and it seems that with these people they don't ever wanna believe I'm making progress even when I am and as soon as I fuck up it negates anything positive I've done/ just reinforces what they already believe. Thanks for your concern. If I end up not posting for months on end it's because I'm locked up lol.

I had a friend who went through a similar type situation. He ended up doing more time in sanctions then he would have if he had plead out. He ended up getting kicked out after 19 months and having to do his suspended sentence anyway with none of the sanctions counting toward time served. Not to mention the money they got out of him.

After I watched that I laughed in the DAs face when they tried to make it sound like a good deal to get my misdemeanor dropped.

 

[RDP89]

I had a friend who went through a similar type situation. He ended up doing more time in sanctions then he would have if he had plead out. He ended up getting kicked out after 19 months and having to do his suspended sentence anyway with none of the sanctions counting toward time served. Not to mention the money they got out of him.

After I watched that I laughed in the DAs face when they tried to make it sound like a good deal to get my misdemeanor dropped.

Wow, that's fucked up. Where I am at they are actually pretty decent about that part of it in that they will take not only any time you served both before you took the drug court and any sanctions, but also any time you were in rehabs and halfway houses. Which means I have 8 months in already on a 3 year sentence which is actually 18 months(Illinois if it's non violent most charges you do 50% of your time), so 10 months less, and since it's my first time going to prison I can get even more knocked off by doing what they call "contracts" while there(basically classes).

The problem is the other county that I have cases in I haven't even been accepted to Drug court there yet, and I'm not sure they will go along with counting that time, so I would start with the whole 18 months instead of 10. I do have leverage there though, because I haven't plead yet unlike the other county so I have a little bit of bargaining power with the fact that I can drag it out if I want to. Like I was saying though I coul've done boot camp and been done by January which I was still away all that time anyway, so know if I got boot camp, yeah it's only 4 months, but all that time was now wasted because with boot camp they don't count any of your time, you have to do the whole boot camp. Still, 4 months is a pretty sweet deal, even if they do scream in your face the whole time and it's tough physical work there day in, day out. And the problem is I already plead so I don't know that the state's attorney would go along with Boot Camp now.

That's hilarious, they offered it to you for a misdemeanor?? That doesn't happen here, you have to have a felony.

 

[RDP89]

We all have ups and downs Captian . Your in inspiration cuz even thru all these years of you typing saying your suicidal etc.. you stay sober (shatter to me is sober) at least your smart enough to realize that the only thing that can make you feel worse is using.

Drug court is a scam but it did scare me enough to stay sober 9 months out of my 1 year mandation I was inpatient tho . Second they let me out I relapsed and was cheating my weakly drug tests. Just try to soldier thru it ,its not like jail will be any kinder to you and you wont be able to drink there regardless . Im sure your daughter rather you home and not being able to swim with her then in jail. I truly wish you the best.

Yes, but my thinking is it's going to be at least another 2 years minimum that I will be on Drug Court. If I'm pretty sure I'm going to fuck up somewhere along the way, it just seems logical to me to get the time over with and be done with it. I know that's negative thinking, but I can't seem to get out of it. I'm depressed all the time and always want to use. Thanks for your support though, it is much appreciated. I may still try to do it, it's very much an internal battle right now.


EDIT update: I came really close to relapsing later after writing that but I resisted temptation and am so glad I did. I despise A.A./ 12 step programs but they do have some things that are helpful, one being the cliche one day at a time. If I get too overwhelmed thinking of the future and how far I have fallen and now have to go I implode.

 

[jb99]

ido know what i'm talking about cos i have a phd in quantum computing

Wow, how did you manage to fit that into the rest of what you've described of your life? Nice work. I was sober most of 2018 and became a bit obsessed with the effect functional QC's will have on current crypto schemes.

Anyway i'm on this thread because I'm on day one again, in part due to temporary lack of funds although also just sick of going thru this nightmare over and over. Wtf.

I remember bluelight from the late 90's- early '00's, with the mdma testing and such. Started experimenting at age 15, in the house/techno scene. I was such a dumb kid and had no idea. By 18 I was caught out. Had some 'traumas' too but I can't blame that. I blew a lot of opportunities along the way although also had periods of sobriety/usefulness.

I could try inpatient detox/rehab for ~1-3 weeks but it'd be like the 4th time this year. It's been years since I've kicked on my own but it has to be possible. I have a bit of prescribed gabapentin and quietapine/Seroquel.

My Iiving situation is depressing, I don't even have enough to eat, squandered so much recently, but I know from past experience that whenever abstinence sets in, my life has improved.

I've had 2+ years sober, 1.5, and most of last year... But I can't explain how. I tend to think free will is an illusion, but I certainly prefer the autonomy and self respect I feel when clean for a while. Choice... is it a choice? When we feel like we are in hell already, or that the light at the end of the tunnel is too far away... Maybe it's a sliding scale, not binary.

I know I have to get through this one way or another.

Thanks for all your posts.

 

[ChivaKing86]

Im still sober but I feel like it's getting harder everyday. I haven't been functional the last week because my anxiety is just out of control. Trying to find a job is making it way worse. I don't feel like I'm ready to work but at the same time I feel like a loser for not working. It's hard to find a job because the sober living puts all these restrictions on when I can work and I have a warrant in another state. Not to mention a non-existent work history. Stressing about it.

Wanted to cut really bad. I find myself looking at a website dedicated to self harm again. Seeing the cuts and blood triggers the fuck out of me. Then I see the ugly scars on my arms and I realize how fucked my brain is.

I have that spinning feeling again. Like things are moving faster then I can tolerate.

Where do you live? I’m in sober living in Colorado. Anyone in or near CO?

 

[cj]

Minneapolis

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think I'm adjusting better to the medication. I'm trying to stay optimistic and happy and normal and not suicidal. I'm trying my best guys. I really hope I make it through this.

 

[cyberius]

really struggling lately, or not struggling at all (I have no idea!). I feel like I'm split between an addict and a person and the addict ordered a gram of meth but thankfully it's not coming. My mind is beginning to stich back together and my headspace is clearing the smoke to reveal the long hidden fact that I Really want to get fucking tweaked out. How do I not want to get high?

It's like after all the hardcore drug binges I've lost sight of it all. "it all" meaning how much I love hardcore drug binges . Or I just momentairaly forget how pleasurable meth is because of how extremely painful it makes life for a couple months.

I'm 3 months sober and half of me wants it to never end but boy... the other half thinks it's about time to press lap on my timer.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm in pain but woke up alright? Kind of weird feeling. I'm not sure if this is "better" or just "different". There's still a possibility I have a rough as fuck day. I'll see how it goes.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Wow, how did you manage to fit that into the rest of what you've described of your life? Nice work. I was sober most of 2018 and became a bit obsessed with the effect functional QC's will have on current crypto schemes.

i finished my PhD before i got into hard drugs. i was a daily drug user for the entirety of it, but 'functional.' the stress of the PhD pushed me further and further into addiction. even when i got addicted to hard drugs i was a functional heroin addict for 5 years. i'm lucky that i had interesting enough stuff to do, which brought me genuine fulfilment, that until crack got into the mix i was always able to make sure i could perform, cos i cared about my occupation as much as my drug intake.

we're a little way off breaking classical cryptography. and quantum cryptography protocols (which are secure due to the laws of physics, not because we think they're hard, as classical crypto protocols are) are being tested. i think they're functional over distances that could over financial centers. the thing is, a normal hacker is not just going to be able to buy one of these things. the current DWAVE (which is shit) is like nearly a billion dollars or something. their primary use will be for massive international science collaborations. unless we are drastically wrong about quantum physics, they will never be like desktop computers.

well i had a great weekend and lost my clean time. but I DO NOT CARE. it felt fucking good! started on 8.5% beer had some coke and benzos, and stupidly paracetamol + codeine things.

i've switched over to ibuprofen + codeine but i need to stop like now. i feel so pathetic that i'm going to do a rattle off OTC tiny amounts of codeine but my opioid receptors are still sufficiently fucked that i was already sick after 2 days.

 

[jdfisse]

cj be careful man. i'm glad it felt nice and that you didn't get caught.

everyone at na assures me if i ever use again it feels awful but they have an agenda.

And what would that agenda be? Trying to help you stay clean? I will always find whatever I am looking for...

 

[jb99]

and quantum cryptography protocols (which are due to the laws of physics, not because we think they're hard, as classical crypto protocols are) are being tested.

What do you think of XMSS?

I greatly admire people who can handle highly abstract math with ease. I had this Russian prof who was pure genius, he'd published like 280 papers.

I agree classical-encryption-cracking QC's could be a ways off but eventually unless they turn out like cold fusion, DPRKorea will get their hands on them- centralized entities will likely be fine, but it will pose a problem for certain things.

Anyway it does seem intelligent people , artists musicians etc, are overrepresented in the substance 'enthusiast' crowd.

 

[cj]

I can't fucking stop using. I'm so fucking screwed. I woke up yesterday saying I'm not going to use again. I was high by 4 in the afternoon. Like fuck....

 

[cj]

I'm always so fucking paranoid the day after I shoot up. Like I used to be so incredibly unsterile in the past. I never even had an access. This last time I went out of my way to be sterile and I'm still obsessively googling the symptoms of endocarditis because my chest vaguely hurts. I had to walk 4 miles yesterday so that's probably why it hurts but my brain won't accept that.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a compulsion to get high but I don't enjoy it very much when I do get high.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What do you think of XMSS?

I greatly admire people who can handle highly abstract math with ease.

i hadn't heard of it but it sounds cool!! gets rid of the entire, well maybe NP isn't really hard we just have bad algorithms issue.

most people who appear to be able to handle something difficult with ease have worked their arses off and pushed themselves unbelievably. esoteric bits of maths and physics are good escapism. and proving something difficult feels better than heroin. i will admit i was always naturally bright and naturally quite good at maths but i only got to the level i did with an insane amount of stubbornness to keep going even when it was literally killing me.

i wouldn't worry about DPRK getting a QC any time soon, it's not something you can implement poorly and still have work.

cj- is there anyone up there you can hang out with who isn't using just to get a bit of distraction?

jdfisse- by NA agenda, i mean being convinced that NA will absolutely work for everyone, and dismissing psychiatry. i honestly feel that taking that to heart and therefore not seeking professional help for my psychiatric problems earlier contributed to me lapsing. for some people its simply not realistic to be able to get through the 12 steps until they've had psychiatric help, feels a bit like i didn't have any ground underneath my feet, of course i was gonna fall.