cj
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2008
- Messages
- 9,821
What's up everybody?
I'm doing alright, 9 days clean/sober from a relapse in which I was ready to say fuck drug court and go on the run but turned myself in and just had to do 6 days in the county. The problem is I have trouble staying motivated and I've already fucked up twice and haven't been on Drug Court for that long so they're pretty much convinced that I'm not serious and am going to fail.
Also now they are putting me on that SCRAM bracelet which detects ethanol use since that's what I relapsed on and is basically my DOC.(Not really but ends up being due to availability and other factors) Which is completely ridiculous because I get random 12 panels which have ETG on them.(ethyl glucuronide, ethanol metabolite that can be detected for up to 80 hours) But they have their bullshit reasons which are probably covering for other reasons mainly money and their relationship with the provider. And it cost me 8 dollars a day and I have to have it on for most likely 90 days. And even with all that I still wouldn't give a fuck except for the fact that I'm not going to be able to swim until it's off and that's one of my daughter and my favorite activities once the summer hits. So I don't even care for myself, but now I'm going to have to tell her that I can't go in the water because I have this stupid bracelet on. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!! I feel like such a fucking idiot.
But I am trying to stay focused on what I am trying to accomplished which is stay clean and sober and live a better life and also to avoid prison and get these felonies to stay off my record which finishing Drug Court will accomplish but I just want to be like fuck it so bad sometimes because it's so much shit to do and it's lack of freedom and it seems like no matter what I do good I get no credit but as soon as I fuck up they're all over me. If I didn't have a kid and a father sick with cancer and other family members who need me it would be alot easier to say fuck it and just do the time. Plus, trying to get a job with a bunch of class 2 felonies on my record wouldn't be very much fun. Sorry for rambling had to vent.
Drug court is such a fucking scam. It's all about milking the most money out of you as possible. Sorry your in that position.