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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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endlessnameless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2010
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673
Location
Where the Western Winds Bend the Silhouettes of th
absolutely bang on @Hylight

hope all are doing well. i'm scared that i won't be able to magically stop my escalating substance use when i start my new job.
I certainly hope you can. I know for a fact that if I had been working during the month of July I wouldn't have relapsed, but I did and now I just have to stay on the wagon and shake these WD's.
How are you getting on at the moment?

I wish there was a live chat feature on Bluelight so that people could chat in real-time - sometimes what some of us need is to so desperately talk to someone in real time.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
I cramped up so bad this morning.
I have to get healthy.
Lol, no more. ☹

I almost actually took a gabapentin.
But opioid would be so much healthier.

I was shakin really badly.
I think it is what you all call that rebound
anxiety.

Thank you. What a gift. But another time marijuana saves my life. lolo 😮
Amen 😁


And then I should get high. 😎🖤🤣 <3 <3
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
Thank you @chinup.

I can help myself when I get otta bed.

But I really want so much more.

My exercise mats are right here for me.
 

cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
193
Fuck heroin. It's not even good anymore. If I'm not trying to stay well anymore, what's the point? And I'm so tired of being lazy with nothing to look forward to except the next shot. Gonna get some exercise today and hike up this hill so I can enjoy this beautiful 70F (21C) degree day. Got this joint in my ear, headphones in, ready to go. Day 6! I choose life today.

Wouldn't mind popping a bar right now, but that's a slippery slope. Oh well. Don't have any anyway.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
I want to be active again. And sometimes I can be.

I walked allot with my dog outside in the cold today. For exercise and other reasons.

I did it today and felt good and seemed to be okay. But that happens allot right before I get depressed and sedentary again.

Life seems like it can be a struggle. I am sorry for everyone else that has to.
 

cowboycurtis

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
193
@chinup
It's a long story, but after a month in rehab I went back out and kind of blew any opportunity I had of getting help. I'm staying on a friend's property way out in the boonies doing little construction projects here and there. Really just using the time to think. What got me here? I will probably do some therapy at some point, though I just lost my insurance so that might be a bit difficult. Good 'ol U.S. of A. I'm going to hit an in-person meeting this week, so looking forward to that. Been talking to a few old friends that are going through/have been through the same thing, so that helps to know I'm not so uniquely tragic, as much as I want to be. Just grateful for what little bit I got going right now because otherwise I'd be on the streets right now.
 

Meth novice 79

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
801
Nailed 3 months clean. Well, cleaner.
Cut the meth out entirely, slowed down on the opiates and weed loads and just drank. Like a fish 🤷🏻‍♀️

Scored a new job. That I LOVE.
Found a guy I actually like (rare) and delved into my first relationship, that wasn’t with an illicit substance, in 6 plus years.
Even socialised and stuff.

And then my alter ego returned.
That crazy bitch on my shoulder that just cannot deal with life going smoothly.
She HAS to fuck shit up.

In the following month, I got fucked up royally on a regular basis. Fucked some other dude for his opiate script and then broke up with the guy in shame. Finally, this weekend I got so fucked up I picked up a needle again, and ruined myself so bad that I couldn’t even make it to work yesterday or today.

Trying not to kick myself.
The guy forgave me and took me back, my boss thinks I’m isolating for Covid so I’m all good really.
But. The shame.
And the starting all over again.
It’s fucking hard work.
 

NeighborMike

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 12, 2009
Messages
1,869
Location
Jigga City
so question. if u was purposely to put myself through precipated withdrawl. would i be done detoxing?

if you only take 2mg of subutex opposed to 8. or even lower. would the PWs be less intense?
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
Not doing good at all rn.
Found something oblong that said 2171
and looked it up. Must be an old stamp. Was hard to find right off.
Now now feel so much better. It was real.

Gabapentin is making everything so very bad.
Headache a day and a half from the comedown from it from needing it more and causing a day and a half headache from a bad down.

When it wears off I just need opioid more and my brain is making sure of that one now.

Ha ha. We found it. Now I won't suffer and die of the worst possible stomach cramps so far ever.

I can't do this right now. I barely am making it through work right now. I called in one day but they said I had to go back.

Thank you Jesus for helping me find that misplaced opioid 325 5mg. This is all so very true. I took vicodin everyday for very many years. And I can't stop. Right now the gabapentin stops the withdrawal before it makes it worse.

My comfort meds, xanax also, turn into headaches unless I ha0ve what I need forever.

I refuse to drink. I am too sick right now. My stomach is murdered. I will drink if I can but usually smoke myself silly because I refuse to get sick even when I try to drink I just don't bother because I am lucky when I can actually get food down.

So I hate gabapentin so much but drinking would honestly be worse. Like a hobo in an alley with a bottle in a bag. A waste of time to even try to like alcohol. Ever.

It is depressing to feel like dying from horrible stomach cramps and alcohol will never stop that kind of pain.

So if I had energy I would try harder. But I really don't right now and I am worse than ever. I am not even looking forward to making it through the holidays.

Edible is a nice synergy as well. So yes, very very sad when sobriety hurts.

Right now anyway.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
4,365
Location
Greatest city on Earth
Owww @Hylight you sound really down. Can you get a proper medication review with a doctor you feel comfortable with?

Curtis I'm glad you're somewhere safe and hitting meetings. If there's any drugs services nearby that you can use to access counselling? Ime without psychological help its very easy to relapse as soon as you get back to your own place.

Meth novice try not to beat yourself up, it won't help. You got off lightly this time so focus on the positives, you still have your man and job. Keep working on yourself and don't use a blip to feed your addiction, though that bitch on your shoulder will want you to.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
I have a second chance to quit now. Or at least I bought myself some time to fix my sick cramped up stomach. It was so bad.

I felt it coming on all night and into the next day. At work yet. And then so exhausting.

Then at night when I am trying so desperately to sleep everything off including a long low grade cluster headache. The REAL withdrawal hit hard.

I had said my almighty prayers to above. I want to be strong so I wasn't that strong.

My brain told me to go look. I wasn't going to make it. I was weak and it was late at night and cold.

I dug around and found a pill in a bottle with an older looking label that said alprazolam 0.25 lol. There was an oblong pill in it.

It had a stamp that said 2721. I thought it was
going to be a migraine medication or I didn't know what.

I looked it up and sure enough it was a 325 5mg hydrocodone. Jesus knows I couldn't have made it through another night like that.

Did it sublingual as soon as I realised I was saved. I still shook a little bit and tried some dabz when I was able.

I slept. Made it through. The severe cramping and shits stopped just like that. Great. That's worse than death sometimes. Well, while it's happening anyway.

Lol. I wanted to cry. But was too weak to anyway.

But had to put half of it, the pill, back for later. The little bit larger half. But not much.

I might want to right now but should probably wait till the stomach starts getting weak. Because I should add I still feel good right now. I can tell from the dab.

At first I thought that maybe it was the flu or something that I ate. But no. No food hurts that bad.

The gabapentin is making it worse. And now I have to go through this again. Sorry I vented. But I had to.

Thank you chin up. I love it when you write. It helps me to take the focus off of myself. <3 Thank you for all !


I am so exhausted. And I refuse to get tormented from Imodium anymore. It makes my shits get stuck. Round poop plug bombs of torture. No fucking way. No more. And what kind of life do I have to live now.

Where's my dignity. From the lord that helped me feel better once more. It hurt SO bad. God thank you.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
9,349
So I started thinking the extreme withdrawals happening again, extended version, that lasted almost two whole days. . .

Yah. Were terrible. I'm fighting to get my life back. Well at least my old life. Oh yah. lol !

Anyway, I thought that it could possibly have been caused from too much caffeine.

I actually drank a whole rockstar the first time that I tried one. The second time I only could drink half of it. Maybe it was, that the withdrawal from that much caffiene was actually too much!

I used to not need redbulls and rockstars (Rock I will take. 😁) so I wouldn't have to mix my drugs. But I didn't need them either and at all. But I did use some nasal spray before going riding.

But c'mon. I really doubt it. Especially since I just drank a small redbull and feel fine.

But, it however does seem quite the coincidink that I get cluster headaches when I start messing around with other drugs, I know nothing about, when I am getting my pain f pill, hydrocodone withdrawl.

Or O p i o i d if thats how you wish to articulate it.

Oh yes, and bring on some coke, mushrooms, majic truffles. C'mon bring it. Oh it helps and nothing wrong at all with ANY types of organics as far as I can be concerned.

But I am totally fine with trying to get healthy again. And to be able to lift and ride ride again my mountain bike.

There! I said it ! I did 😁 ❗❗

It's the greatest traction in the world. Yes. Back Traction.

But fer now I'm lazy. And my brain hurts allot. Lol.

And I'm lazy. But I'm nott a loser. 😁

Oh. My ! I forgot my whole point.

Oh.

I myself. Me. Am down to the BARE minimum. Can you just maybe get the torment. I am down to the bare minimum. See what I go through.

It probably really IS an accomplishment.

I don't think anything of it one way or another.

However is definitely an accomplishment. I think so. Sure.

I used to take @ 60 to 80 mg's religiously but somedays only 30 or even 20 mg's. Most days just pending.

Peresently I thank God for my little 2.5mg's. Vicodin. to help me out. But still !!!

I didn't do any for a whole year except for comfort meds. Comfort meds that are are nothing but garbage and then struggled to defeat severe death threatening cluster headaches.

Well guess what cured - almost everything. Except the post acute syndomes.

My 2.5 mg's that I USE as CRUMBS. Lolol. How could you make something up like this. how.
rhymes with cow. ohh yeah wow.

And thank you for helping me with my struggles. Dear Jesus. Amen.

I have energy to write a bunch today because the lord saved me again yesterday when I humbled and prayed.

I still need my energy. But damn can sure be more mobile and do things quite alot better now than two years ago. Buy anyway. .

The End. But I highly doubt it.
 
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